We Need to Quit Assuming Scientists Are Smart

As my distinguished colleague has pointed out in recent posts, "scientists" are spending a shocking amount of time and money studying things that are completely useless (cow burping and global warming) and / or telling us things that we already know (Nerds don't get laid).

Now, German "scientists" have gone out and did a study - I'm talking scientific method here - to figure out if sports fans get excited during big games. Shockingly, they discovered that passionate fans have increased levels of stress, blood pressure, and run a higher risk of a heart attack during the big game. Thanks, guys. How about determining if drunk people are more or less likely to engage in casual sex. Oh, wait, you already took care of that one.

I'm pretty sure there are countless other things scientists could be discovering besides confirming what everyone already knows. Aren't there some pesky diseases in the world that could use some cures? Diabetes, cancer, AIDS? Or how about working on that flying car I was promised as a kid by Saturday morning cartoons? If you use the Back to the Future movies as a benchmark (and why wouldn't you?), we are seriously way behind where we should be on technological innovations - widespread video phones, fax machines in every room of the house, large holographic sharks that advertise movies, and oh yeah - FLYING CARS!!!!!

So, this is a notification to the world's scientists - I am no longer going to assume you are smart people. Before, the intelligence hierarchy was something like this: doctors, lawyers, scientists, Ken from Jeopardy, and the list goes on (Scientologists being at the bottom, tied with people who buy these things) Now, I'm putting scientists behind Deal or No Deal contestants.

Note to scientists: you can redeem yourselves, but it's going to have to involve flying cars.