Thursday, August 14, 2008

Pelosi: Freedom of Speech Only If I Agree

To put it mildly, Joe Lieberman is somewhat of a sore spot in the Democratic party's side. First, he left the party, and despite the DNC's best effort and lots of money, he managed to win his Senate seat. Now, he's on the campaign trail for McCain and, as such, routinely criticizing Obama.

You've got to respect Joe Lieberman. I don't agree with everything he says or every position he's taken, but he has somehow elevated himself above blind allegiance to the Democratic party. In a stunning example of how politicians should behave, he uses his own beliefs to shape his positions, and he actually stands up for them when it comes time. Unlike many other politicians (Democratic and Republican alike) who all to often change opinions based on public opinion polls or political expediency, Lieberman has a record of sticking to his guns.

Unfortunately, this is not how the Democrats want to run their party. They want Senators and Representatives that essentially function as a rubber stamp vote for whatever the leadership decides is the hot topic issue of the day. Furthermore, they want lock-step support of Obama's candidacy and absolutely no mention of the pesky shortfalls of Obama's past and complete lack of experience.

Lieberman, probably because he's been liberated from the Orwellian control of the DNC, doesn't play by those rules anymore. The Dems and Pelosi, for whatever reason, think they still have some sort of authority over Joe, and are threatening to remove his committee chairmanship as punishment for speaking his mind.

While I'm sure Joe enjoys the position, I don't think that threat is going to do anything to keep him from attacking Obama. I wouldn't be surprised that if the Dems do remove Joe from the chairmanship, he switches from Independent to card-carry Republican.

I find it fascinating that the Democrats who claim to be the party of the people and often support the application of Constitutional rights to the point of absurdity regularly engage in practices and policies that are anything but. They advocate the return of the Fairness Doctrine which is nothing more than government censorship, and they can't stand it when someone says something they disagree with.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Only White-Republicans Are Racist

First off, if I had to pick the number one and most effective way to relay to the world that you are from the South and have absolutely no problem with anything the South has ever done, it would be wearing some form of the Confederate flag on your person. Since I have some slight problems with things the South has done in the past, I elect not to express myself with that particular item.

For those of you playing at home, that's what we like to call freedom of speech and expression.

Because political correctness is becoming more and more a part of America than I would like to admit and since being called a racist is the 21st century equivalent of a leper, the "Stars and Bars" are no longer protected under the 1st Amendment - at least not in the more sophisticated parts of the country.

Jesse Jackson and company boycotted the entire state of South Carolina in order to force them to remove the flag from Charleston (I think). Georgia changed its flag because it contained the "stars and bars". And now some redneck in Tennessee is in a court fight because the school wouldn't let him wear his confederate t-shirt to school.

If we, as a country, want to start letting the thought police run around and ban anything that's offensive to anyone, then so be it. I want t-shirts that idolize the mass murder Che Guevara put on the same list; anything that represents the Black Panthers as well - they advocated mass killings of white people, boys and girls. I could go on and on with examples of clothing that will offend one group or another, but I think you get the idea.

Freedom of speech doesn't mean you have to like what the other guy is saying. In fact, it's been my experience that most people who invoke the power of the First Amendment are certifiable dumb asses, and I disagree with most of what comes out of their mouths. But that doesn't mean we have the right to shut them up. Chances are, they will be seen as the ignorant bigots they are, and people will take what they say with a grain of salt.

All right - sorry for the angry tone of this one. It's a pet peeve. Hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bobby Goes to Law School

So I start law school today. Well, I start orientation, and classes start on Monday. I'm expecting not to have much time to blog over the course of the next 3 years, but we'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll have some free time. My wife thinks otherwise.

Thanks for reading and leaving comments.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Humans Have Always Been Nature's Jerks

Did you know that there used to be 260-pound kangaroos running around? Granted, I have no idea how much "normal" sized kangaroo weighs (and I don't want to Google it), but the idea of a kangaroo that weighs more than me is somewhat unsettling.

Fortunately, our ancestors felt the same way and took it upon themselves to totally kill every single one of those giant pouch-having 'roos'. Additionally mankind apparently killed off other freaky animals like a wombat the size of a rhinoceros and some sort of Dr. Moreau inspired mix of a leopard and kangaroo. My opinion - most of these freaks were believed to inhabit Tasmania (the island off Africa's east coast), or as I like to call it - God's "oopsy" island.

If you didn't take the time to read the riveting article, the previous theory was that climate change caused the demise of these giant versions of modern creatures. Turns out, man hunted them to extinction. Or at least that's what one scientist is saying.

I don't care what killed the giant kangaroos and wombats. I'm kind of glad they're not around anymore.

Breaking News: John Edwards Still Full of S#$&

I didn't watch John Edwards' little confession last Friday for two reasons. One, it wasn't a confession. Based solely on his little hide and seek game in a LA hotel, I would have called up 'Cheaters' and started writing my unauthorized biography of the love child.

Two, because it's John Edwards, I knew his statement would be an exercise in self-indulgent crap that somehow tried to rationalize having an affair while your wife is dying of cancer is just like forgetting to pay for the newspaper - a minor mistake that everyone makes at some point in their life.

I wasn't disappointed. We got gems like "I was 99% honest" and "I...became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic." The later statement is interesting - I really don't see how two miserable failures at the Presidency and one failed shot at Vice-President would make someone narcissistic and egocentric unless he was already a pompous ass...Oh, wait...I get it now.

Fox News decided to do some investigating into Edwards' claim that the affair was short lived, and shockingly enough, it appears the ambulance chaser is still not being 100% honest - I guess we're up to 99.4% honesty. I didn't bother reading the details because like the first attempts at denial, I don't believe a single word Edwards says.

Oh well - I guess we're stuck with this for at least the next week or so until the next little white girl goes missing or a hurricane / earthquake / rock formation falling apart renews claims that global warming is only 3 months away from destroying the planet.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Now It All Makes Sense


TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian media are quoting the country's vice president as saying Iranians are "friends of all people in the world — even Israelis."

Well, that gives new meaning to the phrase "With friends like you, who needs enemies?"

Vice President Esfandiar Rahim Mashai was sure to tell reporters that just because Israel and Iran are friends, that doesn't mean Iran recognizes the legitimacy of Israel. So I guess Israel is Iran's imaginary friend.


Friday, August 8, 2008

Mohammed Liked Them Young

The First Amendment is an absolutely brilliant piece of legal work. Considering that lawyers are known for being overly verbose, the simplicity of the First Amendment compared to the complexity of its far-reaching implications is nothing short of amazing. I have a hard time deciding which amendment I like better - the First or the Twenty-First. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Anyway, our country has gone to great lengths to ensure that every citizen's First Amendment rights are rigorously protected - to the point of allowing speech that the majority of the population would find offensive and inflammatory. Granted, the PC movement has done much to rid "offensive statements" from everyday speech, but that doesn't stop countless books, magazines, comedians, and several other outlets from pushing the buttons of various groups of people.

That is, until the radical end of Islam figured out how to abuse and exploit political correctness while throwing in a side of violence and death threats. In the latest example of fear preventing the publication prophet Mohammed-related material, Random House has indefinitely postponed a book about Mohammed and his 6-year old bride, entitled The Jewel of Medina by Sherry Jones. I guess in the spirit of this, I will 'indefinitely postpone' comments about pedophilia...

The only part of radical Islam that threatens the American way of life more than this widespread intolerance is their seemingly hairpin trigger for violent reactions and affinity for issuing fataw's against anyone and everyone who dares criticize or even draw a picture of Mohammed. Interestingly enough, the two seem to follow each other.

Because I believe in the universality of the Bill of Rights, I have no problem with Muslims practicing their religion here in the States. However, there should be no tolerance of a group of people that openly use fear, the threat of violence, and actual violence to prevent freedom of speech. It's an outrage that "How is the Muslim community going to react?" is even a consideration when deciding to publish a book or not.

For whatever reason, the powers that be at Random House lack the testicular fortitude to stand up for the First Amendment, at least in this case. I'm almost certain that they've published material that fundamental Christians and Orthodox Jews would find quite offensive.

Regardless, Random House is nice enough to allow the author to sell the book to another publisher, and I sincerely hope this happens.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

PETA Should Go Back to Naked Chicks

A few days ago, a Chinese immigrant to Canada decided to behead a fellow Greyhound bus passenger. Without going into gory details - Vince Weiguang Li attacked Tim McLean while he was sleeping. Li stabbed McLean several times, and then proceeded to show the severed head to the horrified passenegers standing outside the bus. Why the 'horrified passengers' weren't running away, I have no idea.

PETA, in their infinite stupidity, saw this grotesque murder not as an example of how dark human nature can be; rather, it's a PR opportunity. Here's some excerpts from their ad featuring the murder:

- "His struggles and cries are ignored ... the man with the knife shows no emotion ... the victim is slaughtered and his head cut off ... his flesh is eaten"

- "If this ad leaves a bad taste in your mouth, please give a thought to what sensitive animals think and feel when they come to the end of their frightening journey and see, hear and smell the slaughterhouse"

- "Like human victims, animals in slaughterhouses experience terror when they are attacked by a knife-wielding assailant...We are challenging everyone who is rightly horrified by this crime to look into their hearts and consider leaving violence off their dinner plates."

There has to be someone in the PETA organization that has a better idea for advancing the PETA agenda than comparing eating a delicious steak to random, psychotic murder. What's that? There isn't? Well then, someone should really clue them into effective marketing techniques.

Anyway, here's an article by Wesley J. Smith that points out some flaws in the vegan lifestyle and mentality.

And just because I like pointing out the stupidity of these people, here's a webpage that chronicles some of the dumber things uttered by vegetarians. They're all remarkably moronic in their own special way, but this one, by far, is the gold medal winner:

"Hey; maybe hitler was actually killing meat eaters, not Jews. It was just changed to Jews because people got offended and obviously most Jews eat meat. Maybe his ethical cleansing was a way to rid the world of meat eaters. Would make sense with his prediction of vegetarianism by 2000; if he was in charge, who knows... The above comment isn't meant to cause offence if it does by the way."

Oh. My. God.

Hey Pelosi - Drill This!

I'm pretty close to putting the phrase "We can't drill our way out of this problem" onto Bobby's Official List of Things That Will Get You Immediately Punched In the Face. The shear ignorance of the statement is enough to make me immediately stop listening to whatever the speaker has to say - good or bad.

The simple law of supply and demand dictates that if you increase supply (drill), demand (and therefore price) will drop. Granted, there are varying opinions on exactly how long it will take to get the oil out of the ground and onto the market. The Democrats like to say it will take 10 years and even then it will only drop the price of gas by 1 cent.*

And on the other extreme, I read something the other day that said there's hundreds of wells already drilled in the Gulf that have been capped and are simply awaiting a drilling platform to extract the oil and gas - a process that will only take 6 months to take the product to market. Both positions are moot in the case of this argument.

Because I'm not a student of economics, I'm unable to effectively explain why it doesn't matter how long it would take to get America's oil to market. However, Martin Feldstein, a professor at Harvard and former Reagan economic advisor, can.

The Wall Street Journal featured his Op-Ed a few weeks ago.** Feldstein does a very effective job of explaining exactly how starting the process of drilling here in the states now will have an immediate effect on the price of oil now, absolutely regardless of how long it takes that oil to get on the market.

As much as I would like to think that the Democratic party is nothing more than a ship of fools, the fact of the matter is that there are a number of highly intelligent people who gladly don the jackass pin. They understand the principles set forth by Feldstein, but they simply elect to ignore them for political expediency or because the nut-job wing of the environmental movement has them by the short and curly's. I'll let you determine which is the case.

Established economic theories tells us that drilling will certainly help the current price of gasoline, which is more than I can say about Obama's plan to check every driver's tire pressure.

* - This Democrat talking point drives me crazy. To project the rate of inflation, the demand of oil, and the hundreds of other factors that would go into determining the price of gasoline 10 years from now is pointless. No one knows the answers to those questions, so to extract the price of gasoline from a myriad of unknowns is nothing short of a miracle.

** - Feldstein's article was found via Joel Alicea's column on National Review Online.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

WTF? Sex Tape Edition

From The News and Observer:

RALEIGH - Police think a Raleigh woman stole a personal computer and used it to make an adult video she intended to distribute.

At first glance, this story isn't that shocking. So some crazy chick stole a computer and made a sex tape. Thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, this sort of thing is no longer shocking, especially when it's just a random person.

But it gets better. Way better:

Investigators have accused Erica Jasmine Bridges, 18, and an accomplice, Darnell Marquise Johnson, 19, of stabbing Carroll [the owner of the stolen computer] and carjacking his vehicle in an attempt to steal the computer a second time and recover the movie, according to a search warrant filed Monday in Wake County.

Spectacular. I have some many questions. Was this a tape for personal use or did Erica and Darnell plan to market the bad boy? Erica and Darnell obviously have no problem stealing a computer and then recording a sex act, so why the desperate measure to recover the sex tape? Modest is not the word I think of after hearing of these exploits.

If you ask me, Carroll (the victim) is in on this somehow. How do you happen to recover your stolen computer with another person's sex tape on it BEFORE those people had a chance to copy or delete the sex tape? This sounds like some Craigslist casual encounter gone bad. Either way it makes for funny news and a plot line for Law and Order.

Seriously - This Is a Sign of The Apocalypse

No, the notion that Paris Hilton is running for President is not a sign of the Apocalypse. The fact that her plan to fix the energy crisis is more comprehensive and easier to understand than anything Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Howard Dean, or most other Democrats have said is a sign of the Apocalypse.

At the same time - this video was meant as a response to the McCain ad attacking Obama for being a celebrity, and I guess to a certain extent it does an effective job of lampooning the McCain spot. However, it also demonstrates that with proper handling and a good speech writer, ANYONE can look good in front of a teleprompter.

This is the smartest thing to come out of Paris' mouth since....well, insert your own lewd joke here. I'm trying to keep this blog on a PG-13 level.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Words of Wisdom from Ronald Reagan

"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

I'm almost 100% sure Reagan didn't have Barack Obama in mind when he said this, but it's applicable nonetheless. Obama is young and he has virtually no accomplishments in the political world, let alone the business world, to speak of.

Buzz o' the Week

I was going to pick a good, moderately priced red wine for this week. But Sean phoned-in a request, and since he's a new father, I figured I would indulge him. This week's buzz will be provided by The Dirty Gin Martini.

Normally, I'm a vodka martini kind of guy (don't worry - the classic Bond drink will be featured at a later date and time). A couple weeks ago, I tried The Dirty Gin Martini for the first time. I'm not a big fan of gin, but my Dad has perfected the recipe, and that is what I bring you today.

4 oz. Hendricks Gin
2 oz. Olive juice
Dry Vermouth

With most mixed drinks, you can go with a mid-level liquor. However, with martinis, which rely heavily on the quality of the vodka or gin being used, you don't want to skimp. So, spend the extra money and you won't be sorry. Martinis are potent, and if you drink more than one of these bad boys, make sure you have a DD.

The Process:
- If you're serving the drink "up" (no ice, in a traditional martini glass), fill the martini glass with ice and water. The purpose is to chill the glass. You can just as easily keep martini glasses in the freezer, but I find the ice water method is less complicated and reduces the chances of accidently breaking a glass when you're going for the ice cream.
- Combine the gin and olive juice in a shaker with ice. Daddo recommends shaking the olive juice jar prior to measuring in order to get some olive chunks in the mix.
- Shaken, not stirred.
- If you like your Martini on the rocks, fill the cocktail glass with chipped ice and wave the vermouth over the glass. You want nothing more than a hint of the dry vermouth.
- If you martini is being served up, empty the ice water out of the martini glass. Pour no more than 1 tablespoon of the dry vermouth into the glass and swirl it around. Then dump the vermouth.
- Strain the martini into the glass, garnish with three olives (stuffed with blue cheese for me), and serve.

A point of ettiqutte - when serving or ordering a martini, be prepared to answer or provide the following options:
- "Up" or "on the rocks." "Up" is not to be confused with "neat." "Up" applies only to mixed drinks while "neat" applies to liquor only. A martini or cosmo is served "up." Scotch is served "neat."
- "Dirty"
- If you're at a bar, specify the type of gin or vodka to be used.
- Some people prefer onions over olives as garnish.

As always, I welcome suggestions for next week's Buzz. Enjoy, but be responsible!

Neal Bortz Redesigns Obama's Seal

Check it out:

The phrase has been changed from "Yes We Can" in Latin to "Vae puto deus fio." My Latin is a little rusty (read: nonexistent), but according to a quick Google search, this translates to "Alas - I think I'm turning into a god."


Sarah Palin: Hottest Governor in the Union

Sarah Palin is the conservative governor of Alaska. She's awesome, and she's not half-bad looking when it comes to older women who are Governors.

And what makes it even better? She routinely tells the environmental nut jobs to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Most recently, she sued the Secretary of the Interior for placing polar bears on the "threatened list."

Apparently, polar bears are "threatened" because those totally accurate computer models (that have proven to be wrong time and time again) predict that ice will completely disappear from the arctic circle within 50 years. Right....

Kassie Siegel of The Center for Biological Diversity* dismisses the lawsuit as "completely ridiculous and a waste of the court's time." Kassie also said that Gov. Palin is clearly not concerned about the environment and is merely a shill for the gas and oil industry. I, for one, agree. How dare a Governor look out for the welfare of her constituents by trying to encourage job growth in the state's primary source of revenue? The gall of some people.

* - A non-profit organization whose primary mission is to make sure that species of color are properly represented in nature. The Center for Biological Diversity routinely spray paints white animals to better reflect politically correct multiculturalism.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Global Warming Crowd: Just Go With It, OK?

The Boston Globe published an Op-Ed from John P. Holdren who is a professor at The Kennedy School of Government and also teaches in the Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences at Harvard (I guess we're supposed to take that John is smart and, therefore, beyond reproach from us simpletons). The Globe put the piece in the Op-Ed section because they apparently don't have a "Just Do As We Say You Stupid Retards" section.

The good professor maintains that global warming / climate change is, in fact, a reality, and that the "...the few climate-change 'skeptics' with any sort of scientific credentials..." are merely suffering from a three-step version of the 5-step grieving process. Here's how Professor John says it goes: Step 1 - climate change simply doesn't exist; step 2 - climate change exists, but humans aren't responsible; and step 3 - ok, you environmental nut jobs are right, but it's too late to do anything about it.

Awesome - there are few better (and more cowardly) ways to marginalize your opponent's position than to chalk it up to some simple mental disorder. We've all done it at some point, either as a joke or in an actual debate. One usually accomplishes this by saying, "You're just in denial." At which point, the target denies being in denial, and the hilarity ensues. Instead of arguing the original point, the aggressor effectively forced the victim to go off-topic and explain why he isn't in denial. It's a cheap shot.

I had higher hopes for a Harvard professor. In attempting to convince the skeptics that global warming is not only a man-made phenomenon, but poses a serious threat as well, I would think that he would bring some hard science. How about explaining why the warmest year in history was in 1934 and not any of the past 20 years? Or why the ocean's have been getting colder since 2003? Or why 2007 was the coldest winter in the US in decades?

Instead he goes with yet another intellectually-void argument of demanding the opposition prove a negative. John states that the skeptics "...have not come up with any plausible alternative culprit for the disruption of global climate that is being observed..."

In other words, John and the global warming crowd are saying "prove to us that global warming is not man-made." Apart from being logical nonsense, that approach is a complete antithesis to the scientific process. Science should constantly test it's assumptions and theories for validity. And nothing should be taken as a cold-hard fact when it is not yet fully understood - we can't accurately predict the weather more than 48 hours in advance, how could we possibly know everything that goes into the planet's entire climate?

The rest of the article consist of John dropping names - "Well, these people believe it's real, and they're way more important than you, so you have to believe it to." He also states that all global warming skepticism is "unfounded." This is akin to putting your hands over your ears, shutting your eyes, and shouting "SHUT UP! YOU'RE WRONG!" Also known as a temper tantrum.

For a good balance to Professor John's little diatribe, check out this article from The Australian. Now, if you'll excuse me, I broke a couple compact fluorescent light bulbs over the weekend, and I'm only 1 step into the day-long 4-step clean-up process.

Universal Truth Time

There's a very limited number of things that will transcend cultures and time - things that anyone anywhere can relate to regardless of their background. Humor is on that short list. But not just any humor. I'm talking about the basic humor that even an infant understands - dick and fart jokes. I can't even think of what else would be on the list - taxes? death?. Yeah - we'll say death, taxes, and dick and fart jokes are the three universal truths of mankind.

In yet another useless study, the University of Wolverhampton (located in England) has compiled a top 10 list of the world's oldest jokes. The winner? Well, the oldest joke on record - not necessarily the funniest - comes from ancient Sumeria (known today as Southern Iraq). And it goes like this: Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. That's right - the oldest recorded joke in the world is about wives not farting in front of their husbands.

Other humor gems from centuries ago include:

From Egypt - "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

And England - "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

Of course, the academics at the University of Wolverhampton effectively suck the funny out of these jokes by proceeding to explain why they are funny. Friggin' nerds.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Obama's Plan - Part 3,487

Like the other 3,486 parts of Obama's plan for American, this one involves more taxes. Except this time, instead of targeting the vague and elusive upper class of the country (who, according to Barry, are the only people who invest in the stock market), Obama has set his sights on the mean, evil oil companies.

Once again, the oil companies have made record profits, and if we check our Liberal play book - yep there it is right there. When a small group of people managed to outwit the Liberals (it's not that hard) and actually make money running a business, then the Liberals simply increase taxes on said business.

After all, the aim of successfully running a business is not to make money. Nope - the aim is to make money so that you can give it to the government; who will then redistribute the income in the form of rebate checks to the lower classes. These people will then use the money to gain consumer credit cards and loans, get in over their head, trigger a credit crisis, and then the government will have to send more checks out so that the cycle can repeat itself.

Don't concern yourself with the fact that the business being taxed have since left the country, taking countless jobs and tax revenue with them. Look at this shiny object over here! That's right. It sparkles and makes noise!

Scientology Gets Sued

This week, a former member of the Church of Scientology sued the Church along with Tom Cruise for violation of federal RICO statutes. Without getting into the really boring legal details, the plaintiff is contending that Scientology is nothing more than a massive racketeering organization, like the mob only with spaceships and evil intergalactic rulers instead of fat Italians.

In honor of this, I am re-posting the classic South Park clip that describes the origins of Scientology.

Please to enjoy:

Poll Insanity

USA Today released their pre-season Coach's Poll today. I won't comment on each and every team; rather I will highlight the rankings that please me and the rankings that make me believe a team of lobotomized mountain goats are actually picking the teams.

1. Georgia - Spot on, coaches. At the end of the 2007 season, the Bulldogs had a very valid argument that they should have been in the National Championship game. But the absolute stupidity that is the BCS precluded it. Instead, they exposed Colt Brennan and the Hawaii Super-gay Rainbows for the second rate team that they were. Unfortunately, Georgia has to run the SEC gauntlet in order to have a chance at the title, and that is a difficult, if not impossible this season, task to accomplish.

3. THE Ohio State University - For the D&F faithful, you should be able to predict what will be said here. If you're new to the awesomeness that is D&F, click here for a list of OSU-related posts. As we've highlighted before, OSU's schedule is a joke. The Big-10 is a joke. Much like the 2007 season, THE Ohio State University had padded the 2008 schedule with a litany of virtually guaranteed wins. Thus, they'll coast through the season while teams in real conferences beat each other up. OSU will end up in the National Championship, again. And they will lose, again.

9. Clemson - Seriously? The ACC is known for basketball, boys and girls. I know they have some fancy pants running back, but playing in the ACC is almost as bad as the Big-10. Clemson will lose early and often. I'd put good money on Clemson being out of the Top 25 by midseason.

11. Auburn - I like this position for my Tigers. Auburn was ranked 18 going into the 2004 season, and that turned out pretty well. Compare that to the 2003 season where the Tigers started at 6 and ended unranked. It appears the underdog approach is a winner for Auburn. Plus that no talent ass-clown Brandon Cox is no longer throwing interceptions for Auburn, and they have a new offensive coordinator that runs the spread offense. Good stuff.

21. South Florida - Whatever. USF was able to capitilize on a mentally weak Auburn team at the beginning of the 2007 season. In an Obama-like obsession, the sports media propelled them to the #2 spot where they quickly discovered reality. They ended the season unranked. Like Clemson, the Bulls will not last - look for them in a pre-Christmas bowl, if anything.

As a side note, 9 out of the 12 SEC teams are either ranked or received votes - Arkansas, Ole Miss, and Vanderbilt were the 3 that weren't listed. Once again, the SEC is the toughest conference and continues to field the top, well-balanced teams in the nation.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Quote of the Week

In a startling display of common sense often not found in public officials, the LAPD Chief of Police William Bratton refused to participate in LA city council meetings held to determine if more laws were needed to control the paparazzi. He maintains that there are more than enough city ordinances to control the various situations.

But more importantly, he made this spot on assessment of the paparazzi's bread and butter:

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank god; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."

That guy should run for governor of California.

WTF? Olympic Edition

From The Guardian:

"For more than a year, officials in Beijing have been designing a special laboratory to determine the sex of any athletes taking part in this year's Olympic games. "Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie."

Apparently, there's a long history of Pat-type athletes competing in the Olympic Games. I remember a couple movies making fun of the East German team - even as recently as Dodgeball, we see a "woman" with a uni-brow and noticibly male features such as facial hair. Never did I think that it was a reoccuring problem.

And what kind of "special laboratory" do you need to determine if a dude is tucking? It's not rocket surgery, people.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Buzz o' the Week

And it's time for Buzz o' the Week. I hope everyone enjoyed the most excellent Mojito recipe from last week. If you missed the post, click here to check it out. This week, I bring you the Champagne of Beers: Miller High Life.

For those of you who know me well, you might be surprised to read that I would recommend such a beer, but hear me out. And I promise in future installments of Buzz o' the Week to review and recommend some awesome craft brews.

In keeping with the summer drink menu, Miller High Life is, in my humble opinion, a great summer beer to enjoy after a hard day of yard work or any other strenuous outdoor activity. The High Life has more flavor than it's light beer competition. It's on the cheaper end of all beer - a definite plus considering the economy and gas prices, and let's be honest - with a name like The Champagne of Beers, how can you go wrong?

So, this Saturday (or Sunday) after mowing the lawn, weeding the flower bed, and whatever else is on your honey-do list, crack open the High Life and relax. You'll thank me for it.

Need a Cure for that Jungle Fever?

Well, my friend, look no further than AfroRomance. That's right - the Internet dating scene has become so saturated with eHarmony / clones, that a niche market has emerged for people looking for "interracial dating only" (it says that on the homepage).

Not wanting to exclude any other varieties of "fever", AfroRomance allows the discriminating interracial dater to specify which type of fever currently afflicts him or her. Like any other dating site, one must enter his or her sexual preference and age range, but then you get to the fun part.

Here are the choices:

Black / White - Jungle Fever

Asian - Yellow Fever

Latino - Ummm....what do you call this? Urban Dictionary was of no help, so I welcome comments from the D&F Faithful.

The jury is still out on whether or not this is a sign of the Apocalypse. Regardless, meeting your significant other through this site would make for a great "how mommy met daddy" story.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Further Proof of Human Stupidity

I could simply write "reality television" and be done with this post, but we have standards here at D&F. For the most part, The Discovery Chanel and other documentary-heavy stations have decent reality programming, but like everything else in this world, there's an exception to prove every rule.

"It Takes a Thief" has two supposed ex-burglars break into people's home, steal their things, and ransack the place in an effort to show people how vulnerable they are to such an attack. My brother Andrew loves this show and is watching it pretty much every afternoon when I get home. Here's a universal synopsis for every episode of "It Takes a Thief" ever made: ex-thief breaks into home; homeowners come home and are somehow surprised that they have been robbed; "victims" watch tape of their home being robbed; "victims" get upset; "victims" get mad a thief; Discovery Chanel puts everything back in its place, cleans the house, and springs for a $1,000+ security system. Roll credits.

Here's my problem with it: the "victims" know they are going to get robbed. They give permission to have surveillance cameras put all over their house. They give pre-theft interviews. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers of the show give them a time frame for when the robbery will take place.

Yet, despite knowing all of this, these idiots still get visibly upset when they arrive back home and "discover" the robbery. The wives often cry and say something along the lines of being violated. The husbands make various threats of kicking someone's ass. The phrase, "I can't believe this is happening" is repeated ad nauseam. And the coup de grace - when the "victims" confront the "thief" they are mad and make feeble attempts to express this anger.

I've come to the sad conclusion that I am entirely too intelligent and well-balanced to be on any sort of reality TV or even Deal or No Deal.

All of Hollywood Not Insane

It's a difficult task finding a successful actor in Hollywood who isn't in bed with far left politics. In fact, the guest list for the upcoming DNC convention in Denver might as well be a copy of the one for a post Oscar party: Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Warren Beatty and wife Annette Bening, Forrest Whitaker, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The stars that lean to the right are typically relegated to "B" list status - Steven Baldwin, Chuck Norris....I'm sure there's more out there; I just can't remember right now, which proves my point that the entertainment industry is dominated by nut-job liberals.

Every now and then, a celebrity comes along and surprises me with some common sense. A few years ago, Pat Sajak commented that if there was one group of people universally unqualified to give advice on politics and national policy, it's celebrities.

Today, John Voight gets a D&F "Atta-boy" for his Op-Ed in the Washington Times. Now, Johnny can add "not insane" to his resume, which will look good next to the part about being able to father weird-looking yet strangely-hot chicks.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Smarter: Congress or Dying Sea Monkeys?

On December 19, 2007, Congress passed and the President signed a bill that outlaws the use of incandescent light bulbs by 2014. Since the government can't do anything all at one time, it's a phased withdrawal. 100-watt light bulbs are illegal starting in 2010 with the 40-watt going the way of the dodo in 2014.

While Congress hasn't told us how to wipe our arses yet, they are telling us how to light our homes. The instructions and limitations on Charmin use are only so far off, boys and girls.

But that's not the point here. Al Gore and the rest of the global warming nazis have all but mandated that compact fluorescent light bulbs are to replace the evil incandescent light bulbs. The problem? Well, it puts off a fraction of light compared to the old style, and oh yeah - you have to mobilize the entire EPA if you break one.

Ok, it's not that bad, but it's not good either. Here's what the EPA says you should do if you break a CFL:

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes. If you have fans, place the fans in the windows and blow the air out of the room. Note: If the room has no windows, open all doors to the room and windows outside the room and use fans to move the air out of the room and to the open windows.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.
- Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).
- Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.
- Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.
- Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

3.Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it, and then place in a second sealed plastic bag.
-If no other disposal or recycling options are available, private residents may dispose of the CFL in residential garbage. Be sure to seal the CFL in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash.
-Wash your hands after disposing of the bags.

4. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

Only the federal government could take something as simple as "clean up broken glass" and turn it into a 4-step, day long process. And what's up with double-bagging the broken pieces? I'm not an expert, but I'm willing to bet using two plastic bags, which are not good for the environment, starts to eat into the efficiency benefits of using the stupid CFL's.

Let's not forget that plastic is a petroleum based product. Higher oil prices translate into higher prices for plastic products (not to mention the gas you have to use to drive your double-bagged mercury bomb to the dump), and if you listen to Al Gore, Harry Reid, and the other global warming Super Friends, oil is a poison.

So let's bring this one home. Congress, in order to save money and improve the overall efficiency of the country, outlawed the incandescent light bulb. The replacement costs more money (3 times as much in some cases), doesn't provide nearly as much light (which means you use more lightbulbs to accomplish the same thing); if you break a bulb, you have to use 2 not-good-for-the-environment plastic bags, drive it to a landfill, and then go buy more "efficient" CFL's.

Thanks, government. Where would we be without you?

Cuil = Worst Search Engine Ever

In what can only be described as some of the most boring yet higly profitble news, there's a new search engine out there. For the not at all fascinating story of how a software engineer somehow raised over $30 million in venture capital (I guess the dot com bubble isn't quite over), click here.

Here's the lowdown - Anna Patterson used to work for Google and AltaVista before that. She is apparently a genius at writing search engine software, and claims that her new search engine, Cuil, scours 8 times more websites than Google.

Being somewhat confused at the notion that Google does not search the entire Internet, I decided to do a little test. I typed the exact same thing into both search engines - dink and flika. Google returned your favorite blog at the top of the list. Cuil said that there is nothing on the entire world wide web with those words.

Cuil sucks.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Top Baby Names 2008

Since my wife and I are officially the last couple to not have kids in our immediate circle of family and friends, we have been party to more than one baby naming ritual and even joined in on the fun ourselves. I've come to the conclusion that parents want to try and have a unique and meaningful name for their kid, which is understandable, but like so many other things in this world, good intentions often result in absolutely ridiculous and quite humorous results.

Most of you have heard of Knowshawn Moreno - he's the star running back for UGA. During last year's bowl season, the commentators saw fit to explain the origins of his name. Apparently, Shawn is a family name, and the mother wanted her son to be smart, so she simply put part of the word "knowledge" in there. Using this logic, I am initiating proceedings to change my name to "Big Johnson Money Bags" because I want to be rich get the idea. I'll let you know how it turns out.

New Zealand appears to have a similar phenomenon. In fact, it's so bad that family court judges have stepped in and began undoing some rather interesting names. A judge made a 9-year old girl a ward of the state in order to change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii to something they won't tell us (to protect her identity, but sources tell me her new name is Princess Consuela Banana Hammock).

According to New Zealand law, "...names that would cause offense to a reasonable person..." are not allowed. Here are some of the names that have been rejected: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. However, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence made it through the review process.

I don't know about you, but I kinda like the sound of Yeah Detroit. And since we don't have the Stupid Name Review Bureau here in the States, you can go ahead and plan on there being a Yeah Detroit Sawyer running around in a few years.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

You - Out of the Gene Pool

Weddings and Waffle House - separately, these are two sublimely wonderful things. One is a foundation upon which this country is built, and the other is place to get loaded at an open bar and laugh at your friend(s) for taking the plunge into the absolute joy that is marriage, or something.

It would be all too easy to assume that combining two awesome things would only make for more awesomeness. But not in this case. No - weddings and Waffle House most certainly do not make for a good combination.

Unfortunately for mankind, this truth is not yet universal. And two hapless souls fell victim to the theory that a wedding at Waffle House would be a good idea. George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian thought it would be a grand idea to have a wedding at their place of employment (I'm not making that up).

They called their friends and family, cranked up the Hank Jr., put on their Sunday best, and sure as you can get your hash browns scattered, smothered and covered, they entered into holy matrimony in the Waffle House parking lot.

If ever there was a case for the government controlling who can reproduce and who cannot, this is one. Alas, Bubba and Pamela have already combined their top-notch genomes and produced two offspring - two little blonde girls. According to friends close to the newlyweds, the two daughters are having trouble deciding between following their parents' footsteps and working for Waffle House or being strippers.

Ahh, the American dream.