Spoiler Alert / George Bush Hates Farmers

I'm having a hard time deciding what to blog about this morning. Here are the two choices: the catastrophic floods in Iowa or M. Night Shyamalan's latest way to make you waste 2 hours of your life - otherwise known as The Happening. You know what? We're going to do both. That's right - it's 2-fer Monday.

First off, if you have any interest in watching The Happening, stop reading now. If you have no interest in the movie or have already seen it - please join me in demanding M. Night Shyamalan give back the 2 hours of my life for that horrible, horrible movie.

Had I'd known it was a tree-hugger / we need to stop hurting the earth movie, I would have never agreed to go see it. I was hoping for some creepy aliens or government conspiracy. But no, instead I get Marky Mark telling me that trees and plants are pissed, and they somehow have the ability to release toxins that make people kill themselves. Here's the thing: the prevailing theory among nut-job environmentalists is that an excess of carbon dioxide is going to cause the end of the world. Plants breathe CO2. So why would they want to kill humans that are giving them life?

M. Night should do a little more research before his next movie. And Marky Mark as a science teacher? I was going to let the stupid trees killing humans idea fly, but when you try and make me believe Marky Mark is responsible for the education of our nation's youth? That's where "willing suspension of disbelief" quits working.

Onto the next topic - in case you missed the 27 second news coverage of the floods in Iowa (who can blame you? The various media outlets have had their plates full telling us all how awesome Tim Russert was*, and the second by second update of what sort of hopeful change Obama is peddling at that particular moment). The entire state of Iowa is under six feet of water. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but the flooding is pretty serious.

Levees have broken; there's hundreds of millions of dollars in damage; people are dead; entire towns have been destroyed. It's actually not too dissimilar from the sort of destruction we saw after Hurrican Katrina. And, in all honesty, the farmlands of Iowa and other affected areas are much more vital to this country's and other countries' food supply than the debauchery factory that is New Orleans (don't get me wrong - I've had my share of fun in the Crescent City, but Mardi Gras doesn't exactly feed third world countries).

So, here's what I'll be looking for from the media and celebrities in the very near future:

- A telethon with all the A-listers you can find. This telethon is to include popular songs re-written to illustrate the plight of the farmers; people who have never been to Iowa telling us how beautiful it is; and a prominent rapper saying George W. Bush doesn't care about white people (I checked the stats, Iowa is only 2.5% black, and I'm pretty sure the majority of that 2.5% was just driving through the state when the census was taken.)

- Everyone from the local garbage man up through the city, state, and national governments being blamed for not responding fast enough. Also, if all the TV show writers could work in some sort of quip about how ineffective the government was for the fall premieres, that would be great (It took the government 4 days to get water to the Superdome...)

- Louis Farakhan (or the white equivalent, if there is one) telling everyone he personally saw someone placing explosives at the levees (this goes back to W hating white people).

- And finally, Sean Penn, in a row boat, with a shotgun, surveying the death and destruction then getting on national TV and repeating that George Bush doesn't care about white people.

Don't worry. I'm not holding my breath.

* - D&F sends our condolonces to the Russert family, but it's not like the guy cured cancer or brought about world peace. It drives me crazy when a journalist dies because EVERYONE in the media acts like it's the first time someone has had a heart attack or whatever caused the death. I know, I'm a mean bastard.