Barack Discovers The Magic of Guilt Trips

There is one magic phrase that people use when they want to send one on the ultimate guilt trip. Usually, it's employed by mothers when kids have done something wrong; but it's not unheard of for wives to pull it out on special occasions to keep their unruly husbands in check. You know what I'm talking about - it's the "If you would have asked before you did it, I probably would have said 'yes'." We've all heard and / or used this powerful phrase at one point. It's universal.

Barack Obama is no exception. With all the controversy surrounding his preacher, Jeremiah Wright, Barack has been forced to address the less-than nice things Rev. Wright has said about America. Most notably, he gave a speech on race relations in America last week in which he claimed that he was the ONLY person who can solve America's race problems once and for all; that he could bring open dialogue about blacks and whites (click here for a commentary on that).

I digress. In the same speech, Barack actually stated that Rev. Wright was wrong, but Obama stopped short of saying he completely disassociates himself from the good Reverend. That is,until today. On an episode of The View, which will be aired today (check your local listings), Barack says that if Rev. Wright hadn't stepped down, he would have left Trinity United Church of Christ. Man, now I feel guilty for criticizing Barack and his choice of churches. Barack would have totally done the right thing if we had given him the chance. Damn it - now it's guilt trip time.

But wait - like any good guilt trip, the travel agent is trying to gloss over some minor details. Rev. Wright didn't "retire" until last month. And the word on the street is that he "retired" to help Barack Obama campaign. The majority of his "America sucks" sermons were given months and years prior to his "retirement." So my questions is this - when was Barack Obama planning on leaving the church? Was it one those "one more time, and that's it" sort of things? Was Rev. Wright on double secret probation?

When you get down to it, Barack is no different from any other politician out there (and that includes Republicans). They're going to say whatever makes for good sounds bites regardless of the facts. Hillary dodged sniper fire. John McCain was a foot soldier in the Reagan revolution. Barack was about to leave the church.

Ah, the joys of a Presidential election. At least it looks like the Democratic party is going to continue to eat itself from within - that alone makes it worth watching.

Have a good weekend.

Hillary Wasn't Lying

Yeah, so William and I have been rather busy this past week, and that's why D&F has not been updated. We're sorry. To make up for it, I give you this unedited video of Hillary's trip to Bosnia. You know - the one where she was shot at and had to run for cover. Or something....

Please to enjoy -

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

The Beaver...Creek

5 days down and Beaver Creek is still here but more importantly I am still able bodied. Since my last installment my Aunt Margo and cousins Bosque and Emily showed up. I was tasked with the job of teaching Emily how to ski and in the process decided that if I had any dreams of becoming a teacher…those have been quelled. I don’t want to go into the details but suffice to say the picture below shows Emily walking down the mountain and her mom Margo skiing. After that little exercise in patience…Emily turned around actually enjoyed skiing and was better than I expected. Overall a success…I learned that I didn’t want to teach and Emily finally figured out how to ski.

If there is one thing that skiing can do, it can connect you to the rich and powerful. While on the lift I exchanged business cards (yes…I carry business cards with me on the ski slopes) with the former CEO of a company that was bought out by HCA (Hospital Corporation of America) and a venture capitalist that has ties to many people that could help me get into the type of law I am interested in down the road. However, those are boring stories that really don’t bring the smiles to the face of D&F readers. The stuff you want to hear about is me spending most of my Tuesday morning hitting on a high school chick. Now, before you crucify me…let me tell my side of the story.

It all started on a beautiful Tuesday morning. There wasn’t a cloud in the ski and my face was getting burnt to a crisp. While loading on the Birds of Prey lift, a girl came from behind me and snuck on the lift. Now, there is one tried and true way to determine a person’s ability on the ski slope…the color of their boots…the brighter the color the better the skier. Her boots were orange…enough said. Anyway, while on the lift, I started a conversation and that led to us taking a few runs together. My theory of the boots was correct. She was able to keep up with me…and that is pretty, pretty, pretty good (not to toot my own horn or anything). Anyway, it was about time for lunch and she needed to meet up with her family. As we got to the lodge, she asked how old I was. I said to myself, “that is a weird question.” After telling her my age she responded that she was 17. After that…I quickly bid adieu and went on my way.

I don’t tell this story so that you have ammunition to make fun of me the rest of my days (there is already plenty of ammunition) but as a public service announcement. Ski clothes are baggy and hide a person’s real age. Obviously if I thought she was 17 this wouldn’t have happened. But it did…I just hope to God that it doesn’t happen to anyone else.

To totally switch the subject…tonight was Belmont University’s coming out party. The 15th seeded Bruins of Belmont were pit against the 2nd seeded Blue Devils of Duke. We decided to head over to our favorite watering hole in Avon, CO…Bob’s. We sat at a table and the staff at Bob’s was kind enough to switch the channel on one of the 30 TV’s to the game. At the start of the game no one in the bar knew who Belmont was and thought we were idiots for cheering on a 15 seed. By halftime we had the people next to us cheering and by the end of the game…two thirds of the TV’s in the bar were tuned to the game. The underdog effect went into play and the entire bar (except for 2 Dukies) was going for the Bruins. Unfortunately, we were unable to pull it out (that’s what she said) but Belmont put its stamp on the tournament. For the discerning viewer of the game, you might have seen Sean at the game. He got more face time than Vince Gill and that is saying something.

Other than that…not much has happened. Except that I conquered the Talons Challenge (doing the 13 hardest runs on the mountain) and everyone on the Sawyer side and Uncle Tommy have done a black diamond. Also, I was able to commandeer a few Ritz Carlton chocolate chip cookies the other day…they were awesome.

Leg, anus...whats the difference?

After reading the headline to this story, my first question that I asked myself was, “Do they make doctors go to school in Germany?” It turns out that a woman who was going in for leg surgery got mixed up with someone who needed a new anus.

There are two big pieces of news from this story. First, doctors in Germany don’t know the difference between a leg and an anus. And secondly, it turns out you can get a new anus. Who knew? Also, the news story includes the word sphincter…that is a first for me, of all the stories that I have read…I have never seen that word used.

So why would someone need a new anus. The poor sap that needed the surgery had incontinence. According to Wikipedia.com incontinence:

“…is the lack of voluntary control of excretory functions.”

That could put a kink in your social life. You go out on a date and have Mexican food and BAM…I don’t think I need to complete the story.

The woman with the brand spanking new anus, is in good spirits. She is the hit of the nursing home…it is like getting a new Corvette in high school. Actually I am not sure she is in a nursing home…but lets assume she is. She is 71. Also, she still needs the leg surgery and is shopping a few doctors before she makes a decision on whom to go to.

Here is some help for her…leg in German is “bein” and anus (actually butt) is “kolben”.

Obama Doesn't Understand War

George W. Bush has been mercilessly criticized for his apparent stupidity over the course of his two terms in office. He has said some pretty silly things, and his general manner of speaking doesn't help matters. However, most of the fodder for those critics comes from mixing up a couple words in a sentence or simply saying things that could be put a better way. He hasn't really sad things that are factually incorrect or just flat out wrong. And no, you can't use the WMD thing. Every single intelligence agency in the industrial world was saying the same thing. You can't lie if you don't know you're lying. But we'll leave that for another post.

In addition to the militant preacher that wants to kill white people, Barack Obama has said some pretty stupid things when it comes to war and national security. This has led me to believe that Barack really doesn't understand the current U.S. foreign policy, nor is he capable of formulating a plan that would not result in widespread violence in the Middle East and increased terrorist attacks on American soil.

Exhibit 1:
A few weeks ago, Barack said that if he were to pull troops out of Iraq, and then Al Qaeda was discovered to be in Iraq, he would send the U.S. military back in to oust Al Qaeda. Well, Al Qaeda is currently in Iraq, and they were there prior to the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom. So his plan to start removing troops seems somewhat premature considering Al Qaeda is still in Iraq...

Exhibit 2:
Last summer, Barack, in an attempt to appear strong and capable of being Commander in Chief, stated that "if we have actionable intelligence about high-value terrorist targets and President Musharraf won’t act, we will.” Basically, he told Pakistan he would invade them. To do so would cause a major incident and further damage America's reputation around the world, especially in Muslim countries. I thought Barack is going to work to restore our credibility in the world?

Exhibit 3:
In his latest attempt to explain why pulling our troops out of Iraq is a good idea, Barack stated that if a civil war or mass genocide were to occur, he would not hesitate to send American forces back to Iraq. Where to start.....ok, first, the Democratic party and most of the media have already declared OIF to be a civil war. Therefore, if our troops are already there and it's a civil war, what's the point in pulling them out only to send them back right away?

Second, as most military and regional experts will tell you, if the U.S. were to pull out, civil war and genocide is almost certainly guaranteed to occur. Knowing that, isn't our presence justified? If we can stop millions of civilians from being killed or thrust into a civil war, shouldn't we do it?

The most disturbing part of all this is that it's painfully clear that Obama is pandering to whatever his audience wants to hear. These statements demonstrate a dangerous naivety about global politics and national security. If he wants to pull troops out of Iraq, fine. It's a coward's move. But don't sit there and try to appear tough by saying you'll run back in as soon as X number of people are killed or a large enough civil war breaks out, especially when it's common knowledge our current presence is preventing those things.

Barack Obama is a brilliant speaker and remarkable politician. Unfortunately, these qualities do not translate to good President. You cannot simply "hope" that terrorists will not attack us again, and talking of "change" isn't going to prevent widespread violence in the Middle East.

Beaver Creek Day 2

After the crap way our trip started…things have gotten substantially better. I was not too optimistic, however, when I was seated next to a guy on the plane that loved to talk. Not only that, he was a low talker. So I couldn’t understand what he was saying and basically had to assume that he was saying something funny therefore I laughed every time that he paused as not to make him feel bad. I really hope that he wasn’t telling me of the awful death that his 3rd cousin twice removed had to endure and there I am in seat 19E laughing it up because I think he is telling me a funny story. Anyway, as we are landing he tells us of a little promotion that Beaver Creek and Vail are putting on that if you fly into Vail airport you get a free half day lift ticket the day you fly in. Not only do we get to ski free…but as we land there is bright sunshine and about 30 degrees. Our trip was back on track.

After a cab ride from Cowboy Bob (that is how he introduced himself…pretty sure he was a 1970's porn star complete with a mustache) we met up with Racecar at the condo and suited up. Daddo and I saved $77 each because of our free pass and Racecar had to pay. We got out ski legs back under us and had a great half day of skiing.

Uncle Tommy showed up and completed the foursome. Day 2 started out early and for some went well into the wee hours of the afternoon (like 1pm). To their credit…they skied incredibly hard and a certain boy named Racecar did his first Double D. Oh yeah. The weather was unbelievable…it was in the low 40’s and sunny. It had snowed about 3-4 inches the night before and left us with some great light powder skiing. Racecar and I opened it up with an easy green to a black diamond and then onto the Double D. A good way to wake you up. One thing that I love about Beaver Creek so far is the fact that Vail is the big mountain that most people flock to leaving Beaver Creek with wide open runs.

Tommy did not disappoint. He broke out the backwards skiing (surprisingly peach schnapps were not involved) and was sporting the George Costansa puffy green jacket. After a marathon of a drive the day before from Dallas to Beaver Creek…he was impressive on the hill.

Overall an incredible first full day on the slopes. We got some great pictures, had the most expensive hamburger I have ever eaten ($15/hamburger), had some great snow to ski on and above all…didn’t die. If that isn’t success I don’t know what is. Please to enjoy a sampling of the pictures:

Government - When FUBAR Isn't Enough

I've said it before - if you want to discover the absolute worst way to solve any problem, get the government involved. By the time the government is done, whatever the original problem was will pale in comparison to the new list of problems created in attempting to solve said original problem. What's that? You don't think so? Well, fortunately I just so happen to have an example for your review.

In Dallas, like most cities with stop lights, there was a problem with people running red lights and causing accidents. Back in the day, before remote computer operated surveillance cameras, it was up to traffic cops to cite people for failure to yield or whatever the applicable offense is. The offender would receive a ticket, pay the fine, and hopefully learn a valuable lesson. In reality, there are way more cars running red lights in a city the size of Dallas than there are patrol cars monitoring the intersections, so tickets for running a red light were reserved for the drunken idiots dumb enough to run a red light while intoxicated.

With the advent of remote computer operated surveillance cameras, Dallas was able to install hundreds of cameras at busy intersections. Naturally, more people were caught running a red light. Ok, simple enough. But here's how government managed to screw up this otherwise simple idea: like anything else in this world, the cameras and accompanying computer system cost money. Instead of budgeting this expense into the annual budget, the brainiacs on the Dallas City Council decided to make the Safelight program fund itself. In other words, the proceeds from the fines would pay for the cameras and computers. Ok, that's great - no more taxes, streets are safer. Everyone is happy.

But wait - what happens if the cameras actually deter people from running red lights? Shocking as it may seem, if you make it easier for people to get caught breaking the law, people will stop breaking the law. Especially if it costs them $75 a pop to run a red light. This is what has happened in Dallas. There has been a significant drop in the number of citations. So much so that the system is no longer paying for itself, and Dallas is having to turn off the cameras, because they can't afford them anymore. And who picks up the slack when the cameras are off? The traffic cops who were responsible for it in the first place.

It's not over. It's government, so we have another issue to deal with - obviously, the cameras deter people from running red lights and causing accidents. Because Dallas is opting not to engage an effective deterrent to a threat to public safety, it could be argued that the City of Dallas is now negligent when it comes to accidents involving people running red lights.

Let's recap:
1. Lots of people were running red lights in Dallas.
2. To solve the problem, Dallas opted for a red light camera system that was funded by the fines generated from people running red lights.
3. The system actually worked. People stopped running red lights which means no more money to keep the system running.
4. Dallas turns off cameras to save money, but becomes liable for idiots running red lights and causing accidents.

Brilliant.

So in attempting to solve one problem, Dallas created two other problems and effectively rendered the solution that worked useless. Good job, Dallas.

Cure for Being a Democrat Found

This article was featured on Drudge the other day, but I didn't read it until today. It's very well written. Of particular note is his take on the US Constitution and what the Founding Fathers may have been thinking:

"The Constitution, written by men with some experience of actual government, assumes that the chief executive will work to be king, the Parliament will scheme to sell off the silverware, and the judiciary will consider itself Olympian and do everything it can to much improve (destroy) the work of the other two branches. So the Constitution pits them against each other, in the attempt not to achieve stasis, but rather to allow for the constant corrections necessary to prevent one branch from getting too much power for too long."

So, read this piece. Even if you are a so-called "brain-dead liberal." It never hurts to read up on what the enemy is doing.

Beaver Creek Day 1/2

Looking out over the Rocky's.

Racecar farted as I took this picture...it stayed with us for the entire chairlift.

Oh yeah...Double D's...(I am talking about the double diamonds not boobs).

Is this Hell?

For the next week Racecar, Daddo and I will be hitting the slopes in Beaver Creek and Vail, Colorado. I will be partaking in some live blogging and hopefully will get some great pictures of people who think they are really good at skiing proving to the world they definitely are not.

Racecar’s trip out to God’s Country went smoothly. He got to the airport in plenty of time, got through security (where he purposely made the metal detector go off so some big burly man could frisk him) and got on the plane like any 19 year old should be able to do. Delta Flight 1663 took off and landed and Andrew is sleeping comfortably in condo 12 at Beaver Creek West Condominiums. Daddo’s and my trip however did not go well. After waking up at 3am to get to the airport in time for our 6am flight to Cincinnati where we were supposed to meet up with Racecar (post frisking) President George W. Bush used his racist fog machine to blanket the city of Cincinnati with fog thereby making us late for Delta Flight 1663. You might be saying to yourself, “Will, you are white and so is Gee Dub, why would he use the racist fog machine on you?” That is a great question…I don’t have an answer for you (maybe we should ask Barack Obama’s pastor…he seems to know the genesis of all things evil…America and The Man being his favorite culprits).

Anyway, after sitting in the Delta Crown Room sipping on multiple Mr. T’s Bloody Mary Mix we were put on tomorrow’s (Sunday March 16) flight and got a fat discount at a local hotel that happens to be in the middle of freaking nowhere northern Kentucky. Needless to say, this commentator will not be getting lucky in Kentucky today/tonight. We were without “wheels” and therefore stuck in prison (or the Hampton Inn). After lunch and dinner at the neighboring Marriot (where there was a very attractive front desk girl…I picture her name being Tiffany) we decided to keep a low profile and watch a movie. This turned out to be a bad idea. Daddo and I decided on Good Luck Chuck…the unrated version. It reminded me of the time when I watched Super Bad with my Dad or listened to my Mom talk about Knocked Up or when I watched Jerry McGuire with my grandmother…just think back to the sex scene at the beginning. Someone had told me they watched this on a first date and it was very awkward…I should have heeded their advice.

After the hour and a half 2008 Awkward Fest, I decided it was time to “rest my eyes”, as GranMiller was always fond of saying. So I leave you tonight with proof that we did not just make up this horrific story so yall would feel bad for us while we secretly got a great day of skiing in. This is the Hampton Inn that we stayed at. Notice the lack of mountains (“that John Denver was full of sh*t”), lack of snow and abundance of grey clouds. That screams northern Kentucky. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow’s post is from Beaver Creek/Vail.

Does It Hurt to Get Repudiated?

The big political story the past week has been revolving around Geraldine Ferraro and her comment about Obama's success being due in large part to his race. Ferraro was sitting on Clinton's campaign finance committee, but was quickly dismissed for her views. Based on the speed at which Ferraro was thrown under the bus, Clinton must have some Hulk-like upper body strength.

The name of the game in this modern, "respectable" Presidential campaign is Guilt by Association. As soon as someone even remotely connected to a campaign says something inflammatory or dirty, the candidate involved cannot repudiate / reject / denounce that person and those comments quick enough. Except Barack Obama - he gets a free pass.

John McCain: At a rally in Cincinnati, Bill Cunningham dared to use Obama's middle name (Hussein) and had some comments about Hillary as well. When told about Cunningham's remarks, McCain couldn't start apologizing fast enough.

Hillary Clinton: Pick one - a staffer implied Obama not only took, but sold drugs, Ferraro and her comments, etc. In each case, the staffer involved has either been dismissed or submitted a rather hasty resignation.

And then there's Barack Obama. Yes, someone on his staff called Hillary a "monster," and that person left the campaign. Man, Obama is really cracking down on the name calling. But what about his pastor - the Reverend Jeremiah Wright? Here is a sampling of some of Rev. Wright's thoughts:

- 5 days after 9-11, Rev. Wright took the position that the US caused 9-11 through it's sponsorship of state terrorism against the Palestinians and South Africans, and the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki (I didn't think Japan was involved with 9-11, but whatever...). Granted, Obama was not running for President at the time, but he is now. And when asked about these comments, Obama explained that Wright was simply "trying to be provocative."

- In another sermon in 2003, he blamed rampant drug-use and the high percentage of incarcerated blacks on government conspiracy. This sermon was wrapped up with the choice phrase, "God damn, America." Nice.

The question is - why is Obama allowed not to rebuke this guy? Rev. Wright presided over Obama's wedding and the baptism of his two kids; he has taken an extended sabbatical to campaign for Obama. Clearly, he's involved with the campaign, and if you listen to the propaganda, Barack is a very spiritual person who goes to church on a regular basis. To me, that means Barack's spiritual advisor plays a pretty important role in Barack's life.

When speaking to a Jewish group, Barack tried to explain that Rev. Wright is like that crazy uncle everyone has. Ok, I have some crazy uncles, so I can relate to that comment. However, I am not running for President, and my crazy uncles are not a significant influence in my life. Call me old fashioned, but when it comes to deciding who's going to be in charge of our country, I would prefer a person who doesn't listen to someone that thinks the country is the enemy.

I'm going to chalk all this up to a gratuitous application of The Double Standard. The media has turned on Hillary, so Barack is getting the free passes. As for McCain - well, he's still a Republican in name, so he shouldn't expect any favors.

How Aware Are You?

This is good.

French Foreign Minister: 'Our poop doesn't stink.'

Bernard Kouchner is the French Foreign Minister. In most countries, this person is responsible for diplomatic relations with other countries. In France, the Foreign Minister is responsible for determining who France is going to surrender to next.

Since France really hasn't been invaded or attacked since World War II, you can see why it's a difficult position. Essentially, the French Foreign Minister has had to find other ways to surrender to people - like allowing a foreign culture to come in and decimate the social welfare system and start riots across the country. It's harder than it sounds, people.

So Bernard Kouchner made an interesting observation recently. According to Bernie, the actions of George W. Bush and American foreign policy over the past 8 years has caused irreparable damage to America's reputation, and we will never be able to return to the position of prestige we once enjoyed.

If anyone is qualified to comment on damaged international reputations, it's France. This country is still being made fun of for getting invaded twice in less than 30 years - the second time resulting in a still unbeaten world record for most troops surrendered in 5 minutes or less. France is second only to Poland in terms of countries that have the most jokes about them.

So I guess we owe Bernie a thank you for alerting us to the impending damage to our international reputation. As a side note, after making this observation, Bernie went on to wax philosophical on how we need to talk out our problems with Hamas and other terrorist groups because Hamas is a completely rational organization.

Respectable Campaigns Suck

Listen - it seems that McCain and Obama are going out of their way to run a "respectable" campaign while the Clintons are doing anything but run a respectable campaign. According to Politico.com, McCain's campaign manager sent out a mass e-mail to supporters and others asking them to stay on message, talk the approved talking points, and not engage in personal attacks on McCain's opponents.

In case you were wondering, this is more than likely in response to several separate incidents in the past few days where people have dared to mention Barack's middle name, which is Hussein. As for Obama, well, if you can get him to stop talking about "hope" and "change," then maybe he would start throwing a little mud.

Clinton, meanwhile, is pulling out all the stops. I don't think anyone in the Clinton camp will come out and say it, but Geraldine Ferarro said what everyone already knows - Barack Obama is where is primarily because of his race. Can you imagine what would happen if a white Republican said that? Holy crap - Spitzer probably would have gotten a get of a jail free card and not had to resign.

Anyway, the point here is that I (and I think the American public in general) want to see things get dirty and out of hand. I want to see how a candidate will react when someone intentionally tries to push his (or her) buttons. Despite the happiness us normal people get from watching celebrities and the like get knocked down a couple pegs, it's a good way to see if that person can sustain the sort of criticism that goes along with being President. W certainly hasn't enjoyed the respect due The President of the United States during his 8 years, and there's absolutely no reason to expect that whoever wins in November is going to get a free pass once he (or she) is in office.

So, here is a list of questions for each candidate that I think would spcie things up a bit and really show us if the candidate is ready for the merciless satire and criticism that goes along with being the Most Powerful Man (or Woman) in the World:

Hillary Clinton:

1. Please provide the details of the deal you made with the DNC (and the Devil). Specifically, what convinced you to stay with your husband, and do you really think your marriage is a good example for people to follow?

2. Please tell a good ol' southern story using your southern accent. You know, the one you use when talking to black people in a church.

3. Explain, in detail, how pulling our troops out of Iraq within 60 days of taking office will help curb terrorist action against the U.S.

Barack Obama:

1. Why can't people use your middle name? Are you not going to use it when you are sworn into the office?

2. Explain why your wife is proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. Was she not proud of winning the Cold War, the U.S. Constitution in general, the fact that she was able to attend ivy league schools?

3. Please tell me what exactly you plan do to bring about "change" and how does "hope" affect your national security plan.

4. Explain, in detail, how pulling our troops out of Iraq within 60 days of taking office will help curb terrorist action against the U.S.

John McCain

1. Are you crazy?

2. Do you think the bills you have sponsored and positions you have taken truly reflect the conservative movement? Yes, I know you were a Reagan foot soldier. But answer the question.

3. Why can't we drill for oil in Alaska?

I'm sure there's plenty more question out there, but that's all I could come up with on the spot. The Democratic primary process is getting more and more entertaining. I'm actually more interested in that than what John McCain is saying.

Anyway, the week is half over. See everyone tomorrow.

Mean Girls has been proven to be accurate!!

Disturbing news from the annals of academia. According to a newly published book (AKA a huge waste of money) girls in high school who are mean are popular. Again, B2’s theory of paying attention to Hollywood would save America a ton of money. If Casey Borch would have spent two hours one Saturday watching Mean Girls on TBS the thousands of trees that were cut down to publish his book “Modeling Dyadic and Interdependent Data in Developmental Research” (I swear to God that is the title of his book…I am the first to predict this will be an Oprah Book Club selection) would have been spared.

He comes to ground breaking conclusions like this:

“Girls who gossip and exclude others from their cliques are often labeled as popular by their classmates, and nearly all high school cliques are divided along racial lines.”

Thanks Casey for wasting our time and money…and thank you for allowing us to put UAB (where he does his “research”) in the list of schools that allow the obvious to be studied. By the way…this “study” took 9 years to complete.

----------------------------------

Thanks to an astute Alabama Eye Bank employee for sending the tip in.

Which party does he represent?

There are so many jokes you could insert here...

There has always been the debate that the media is in the back pocket of the liberal agenda. Conservatives will bring up the fact that the New York Times, Washington Post, NBC, ABC and CBS are all run by crazy Democrats and they will do anything to promote their agenda (also that 90% of "journalist" vote for Democrats). Whereas liberals will counter with the fact that conservatives have one cable news channel and talk radio (that seems very equitable). Anyway, the argument gets old pretty quick and can last forever because there is outrageous stuff said on a daily basis on both sides of the coin.

However, yesterday’s blockbuster news that the New York Governor was involved with prostitutes allowed a glimpse into the thinking of the media. If you go to CNN and read the story on Gov. Spitzer, you will never read what party he represents. However, if you go to the same website and read the first story written on Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig it took the reporter 2 words to mention Craig's party affiliation.

I am just throwing this out there. You come to your own conclusions. I am not trying to propagate a huge conspiracy theory (because they don’t try to hide it very well) but would just like the same treatment for people that totally make a mockery out of the voters and drag their families through hell because they were too selfish to keep it in their pants.

We Have Chance to Be Part of History

Once in every generation, there is an opportunity to change the world for the better; to take a stand and make sure our children's lives are as good, nay, better than ours ever was. We all know the past events - the Magna Carta, the Reformation, the Declaration of Independence and American Revolution - the list goes on.

I'm talking about the ability to change American history for ever. No, this is not an endorsement of Barack Obama. In fact, if any D&F-er hears Barack repeat any of what I just wrote, let me know. I have an army of lawyers standing by to sue for copyright infringement.

I'm talking about making St. Patrick's Day an official holiday in the United States. Fortunately, there's no revolution or great battle that will have to be fought in order to secure this hallowed day in American history. Nope -all you have to do is sign an online petition. Or if you're attending the Annual Sawyer St. Patrick Day party in Charlotte, NC, you can sign an actual petition, which I will then overnight to the appropriate authorities.

They need 1 million signatures, and at last count, they have somewhere around 861,376. So if all of the D&F-ers out there sign the petition, we can get that number up to at least 861,380; maybe even 861,390 depending on what images people are searching for that day.

So, take the 2 minutes, click here, and sign the petition. Your grandkids will thank you.

Law School: So Easy, An 8-Year Old Can Do It

Since he has applied to about 1,043 law schools, I thought William was going to post this story, but he didn't. So I must once again pick up the slack.

In Brazil, an 8-year old boy somehow registered for a law school admission exam. What's more - he took the test and passed it. A little background - here in the States, there is one law school admission test. Conveniently enough, it's called the Law School Admission Test (LSAT). I guess anyone could take it if they wanted to, although I do not recommend taking this test for s--- and giggles. There are way better ways to spend $100 and 7 hours on a Saturday.

In Brazil, each law school administers its own test, and some schools' tests are easier than others...obviously. The LSAT here in the States is full of complicated questions and stupid logic games. Come to think of it, an 8-year old with a decent vocabulary could probably do better than I did on the LSAT. Us adults tend to over analyze things and make the unnecessarily complicated, which, ironically enough, is what lawyers get paid to do. Ahhh...the circle of life.

This reminds me of an old Bush joke. So W and his cabinet are meeting to talk about the war in Iraq. Cheney informs the President that 2 Brazilian soldiers had been killed the previous day. W gets visibly upset. The cabinet is confused and at a loss for words. Finally, Cheney leans over and asks the President if everything is all right. W looks up and asks, "How many is in a Brazilian?"

Things That Must Be Destroyed

For those of you D&F readers that have never met me, you must think I am a very unpleasant person - most of my posts are loaded with sarcasm, and I am generally venting about whatever has angered me that day. In reality, I'm actually a pretty nice guy. That is, once you get past the sarcasm and anger towards stupid people. But even yours truly has a breaking point, and when that point is reached, I declare that whatever has caused me to reach that point must be destroyed. Today's thing that must be destroyed: The Pampered Chef.

First and foremost, The Pampered Chef is a thinly veiled pyramid scheme. And as experts on the topic will tell you, pyramid schemes are about 2 and a half steps away from full fledged cult. It isn't wide spread knowledge, but David Koresh really started out as a salesperson for Cutco knives. Google it.

Fortunately, most guys are spared the inhumanity of a Pampered Chef party - this is reserved for the female of the species. For you single men out there or the few lucky gals who have not been to a Pampered Chef party, allow me to give you a breakdown of what really happens. The "organizer" (otherwise known as a 'shill') agrees to host a party for the "salesperson" (otherwise known as a 'Minion of the Devil'). The promise of yummy treats is typically enough to get most women to agree to attend, but if that fails, there's always peer pressure.

After showcasing the shockingly useless wares, which are REQUIRED to make the yummy treats, the Minion of the Devil asks each gal individually what they would like to buy. And this is where the magic happens: it's socially mandated that everyone at the party order at least one completely useless gadget. So pretty much the Minion of the Devil is guaranteed a good night. And for the weaker ones of the group, the Minion of the Devil is able to recruit them into the scheme; thus creating more Minions of the Devil. It's simplicity is what makes it evil.

One would think that someone as educated as I on the subject of The Pampered Chef would be prepared to combat its seductions. Alas, the only reason I know so much is because my wife, a seemingly educated person, has fallen prey to this cult on more than one occasion. What follows is but a sampling of Pampered Chef crap that is currently in my kitchen:

- Adjustable tablespoon and teaspoon: this is a spoon with a movable plastic piece that adjusts the quantity of whatever you're scooping. The moving piece is removable for "easy cleaning." Or, as I have come to discover "easy falling off in the dishwasher, clogging the drain line, and flooding the kitchen."

- Scooping rubber spatula: it's a regular spatula with curved sides to help scoop things. Yeah, totally worth the $10. Way better than the "spoon."

- Tomato knife: This is a green serrated knife. I have no idea why is it green. As anyone who has ever cut tomatoes is aware, serrated knives work better than straight edges. I know what you're going to ask. Yes, I already have SEVERAL serrated knives in my house that are perfectly capable of cutting a tomato. But thanks to The Pampered Chef, I now have one more. That's $15 I'll never see again.

There's way more crap in my kitchen compliments of The Pampered Chef, but I've ranted long enough. To be fair, Katie is a wonderful women and simply doesn't want to be mean to her dimwit friends that repeatedly throw Pampered Chef parties. That's why she goes to them. And once you're in, there's no way to stop the purchase from being made.

So now you see why The Pampered Chef must be destroyed. For legal reasons, I can't give specific instructions on how to go about taking down this soon to be cult. I can give you this though - use your imagination and don't be afraid to use Fight Club as inspiration.

Hannah Montana Is Going to Glasgow

Ok, this is getting out of control. A couple days ago, William posted yet another comment from some Hannah Montana fan who is under the impression that Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) is a contributor to Dink & Flika. Now, we're treated to this:

"Hey Hannah Im from Scotland Please Please come to Glasgow because I am a huge fan of you and I have never been to any of your concerts or tour but please please come to Glasgow it was my birthday yesterday and do u no what I wished for .... to meet you well maybe one day !!! =) Please come to Glasgow Hannah please"

Since I'm not one to ruin girl's birthdays (no matter how stupid they are), I hereby pledge to try and attempt to get Hannah Montana to perform a concert in Glasgow, Scotland. I'll let everyone know how this turns out.

The week is almost over.

24-Hour Drinking? What's the Worst That Can Happen?

Listen. I know it makes you feel nice in you warm and gooey parts to think that all people are smart and given the choice, will make the smart, responsible choice over the dumb, ruin your life choice. But that's not how the human animal works, and we're reminded of this on an almost daily basis. Take for example Fox's latest sign of the apocalypse - The Moment of Truth. Last week, a woman won $250,000 for admitting that she still had feelings for her ex, didn't love her husband, and had an affair. Then, she lost it all by saying that she thought she was a good person. Absolutely stupid.

Anyway, there seems to be a problem in England with binge drinking and subsequent alcohol-fueled violence and riots. We have the same problem here in the US, but we stick all the binge drinkers in one place and call it a "university", and the riots are called "college football tailgating".

In the past, the law of the land in England was that all pubs shut down by midnight. The powers that be in England hypothesized that since there was a limited window to drink, people were drinking all they could in those few hours, and that was causing the binge mentality and riots. The solution? Allow 24-hour operating permits for the pubs. You see, if people have more time to drink, then they won't drink as much; thus no more binge drinking and no more alcohol-fueled riots. Or at least that's what the brainwave English lawmakers thought.

If they ascribed to the Bobby Sawyer Theory of Human Decision Making, they would know that if you give people the option of drinking 24-hours a day, they're going to drink 24-hours a day. Why do you think Vegas is called Sin City? It's not because people go out there and practice temperance. This is also an example of why reverse psychology is not a good starting point for laws.

I'll leave with the words of the great satirist Voltaire:

Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.

I hate cats...and most things associated with them.

I know that I am definitely not a cat person…in fact, I despise cats. They are usually mean and if my cats growing up are any indication of cats in general, they keep you up at night with their horrible meowing. However, I realize that some of the readers might actually enjoy cats, so I figure I should write about cats and the people that love them every once in a while.

While looking through the Best of Craigslist, this dandy of an ad popped up. Headline:

“Carton of Irregular Cat Hats”

This had lonely cat lady written all over it. This is the type of person that when she dies, we get the news stories about the 78 cats that were running wild and pooping in her house. So I had to click to investigate further. If this was just a couple cat hats, I could understand. A couple means it is a hobby. More than two and it is a passion and this lady needs to find some friends that don’t have whiskers or nine lives.

It turns out there are 14 cat hats. According to the ad:

“There are many styles from formal to cute and funny.”

Lady, there is nothing cute or funny about cat hats. This is a serious condition that probably needs to be treated with heavy medication and the television show “Intervention”. She proceeds to post many pictures of Snowman (the cat who is now dead) looking miserable in the cat hats. In general, animals do not look happy when they are dressed up in clothes. There is no need for most pets to wear clothes…seeing how they have a think layer of hair to keep them warm. When people start to dress their pets up (outside of Halloween night) we as a society have failed to properly chastise those who do it. Therefore I take partial responsibility for this ladies actions. However I am doing something about it now.

She ends it with this tear jerker:

“I just hope you and your pet can find as much joy in these hats as me and Snowman once did.”

Patty, if that’s your real name, its time to grow up. Start acting like an adult.

Actual picture of Snowman in a cat hat that is supposed to make him look like a goat.

Is this what our kids are learning from The Count?

You may be thinking to yourself…is it Friday since there is a video being posted today? Well that answer is obviously no. It is good ole Hump Day. Sorry for the confusion. However, we got a tip on a great video and I don’t want to wait till Friday to post it. So enjoy The Count from Sesame Street being bleeped out every time he says “count” so it makes it sound like something else...HILARIOUS!!!

This was sent to us from a nice lady at a prominent university here in Nashville…so it should be safe for work.

Team Moses!!

A “researcher” at Hebrew University has published a study that claims Moses was high on drugs when he was given the Ten Commandments by God. I am having trouble figuring out why this is news and why Benny Shannon (the researcher) would even waste time “studying” this. If anyone has seen “History of the World Part II” then you know that Moses was in fact sober and was given 15 Commandments but dropped 5 of them. If Benny Shannon had done any research at all, he could have saved us all the trouble of making fun of him.

The real motivation behind this thesis is to make Benny feel better about his own drug use. According to the article:

He mentioned his own experience when he used ayahuasca, a powerful psychotropic plant, during a religious ceremony in Brazil's Amazon forest in 1991. "I experienced visions that had spiritual-religious connotations," Shanon said.

So he figures that if he can bring big Moses down a notch or two, then he will be living large. However he is just a hater all around. His conclusion is based on strong evidence like this:

“As far Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don't believe, or a legend, which I don't believe either, or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics."

I had always been under the impression that academic papers and “studies” actually had to have documentable evidence not just hearsay and personal experience with drugs. I wonder if the footnotes site the Amazonian (is that a word?) religious experience in reference to Moses’ visions (hopefully in correct MLA format). Good try Benny…I for one am on Team Moses.

Thank You, Dumb Hannah Montana Fan

I am not saying this is who posted the comment...but I think it is a fair representation...

It was never our intention at D&F to elicit such a strong response to our post a couple months back about some crazy mom faking a story about her husband dying in Iraq to get her kid tickets to see Hannah Montana. However, I underestimated Hannah Montana fans and next time I will estimate them. Below is probably one of the best comments that we have ever received. It combines something that passes as advice with something that does not pass as proper grammar or spelling. Keep in mind this is a straight cut and paste…nothing was edited (as far as I know, this is a real person writing this, not Sean trying to be funny. In fact I was at lunch with Sean when we got the comment).

"to the little girl i no tht you wanted to c miley but just fink what people fink bout you and what she finks bout you and people have more needs than you makein fings up like tht to fans just cuz you know all the lyrics to all the songs doesnt make you a number1 fan you should all be fans of yourself cuz u are all special in ur own way and i hope miley/hannah gets to read this YOU ARE SOOO LUCKY I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE YOU FOR JUST ONE DAY YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ME hope your carreer nev er ends x"

Somebody Call Bobby Bouche

I'm not a chemistry expert. In fact, I didn't do so hot in college chemistry because the 8am classes routinely interfered with my social agenda - not that I had dates at 8 in the morning, rather I would be recovering from the previous nights exploits. And there was lots of homework.

So I may not be able to balance a chemical reaction or tell you the difference between nitrate and nitrite, but I do have some basic knowledge. For example, water is made up of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen. I think that is the one chemical formula that almost everyone knows. Anyway, water, in pure form, is colorless, tasteless, and odorless. The only way to get pure water is to distill it (boil it for an extended period of time). The water that we normally get from faucets has various minerals in it, but, for the most part, is still colorless, and relatively odorless and tasteless (depending on where you live in the world).

Enough of the chemistry lesson - Gatorade, apparently, doesn't have the same chemical definition of water as the rest of the world. I know this because there's a commercial for "Propel Fitness Water" that compares it to other "waters," and by "waters" I mean flavored sugar water with various other additives (otherwise known as "juice"). In this commercial, Gatorade tries to make the point that this other "fitness water" has over 100 calories per serving while Propel has only 10-20, depending on the flavor.

It's a fair enough argument - why drink things with more calories while working out? It's counter-productive. So using that logic, you would want to find a source of hydration with the least amount of calories. If only water had no calories and hydrated you at the same time. What? It does? Holy crap.

If I had millions of dollars and nothing better to do, I would make a commercial and have it aired right after the Propel commercials. Then I would hire people to go to stores and make fun of the people that buy "fitness water."

On second thought, I think Gatorade may be onto something here. If the only qualification to call something "water" is that water is an ingredient, it could lead to tons of loopholes in our legal and moral systems. For example, instead of calling alcoholic drinks "beer," "wine," or "whiskey," you can start advertising them as "happy water" or "make your sorrows go away water" or "make fat,ugly chicks attractive water." The possibilities are endless. Thanks, Gatorade.

Trashy people live in Boston too...

The proud papa...

In proof that trashy people exist in all parts of the country. Catherine Aliaga and Tarsha Williams of Boston, Mass decided that they would ruin a 9 year olds birthday party by fighting it out over an arcade game. Both women are in their 30’s and one of them had the birthday boy. The party was being held at a Chuck E. Cheese and some kid was hogging an arcade game. Instead of being adults about it they decided to reach back into their trashy roots and fight it out at Chuck E. Cheese.

I have not been to Mr. Cheese’s restaurant since I was 6 but I assume it is as trashy as ever. So I am not surprised that these type of people go. However, you would think that these two mothers could for the 2 hours that the party was being held, at least pretend to be decent members of society (and maybe cut their mullets). Unfortunately for them (however, fortunately for us) they will now have to go before a judge and actually try to explain themselves. I bet it involves a lot of bad grammar and misuse of words. Hopefully someone will claim the other women “misremembered” the events leading up to the “Birthday Melee”.

You mean someone else thought of it?

In what most people would call a stunning blow to one's belief system, a book published in 1934 outlines Scientology. You may be wondering why this is such a blow to the greatness that is Scientology, well L. Ron Hubbard, the nutcase behind the fad “wrote” his version in 1952. Now, I am not calling L. Ron a plagiarizer but he is a plagiarizer. Also, I am not sure if the 1934 version included spaceships that looked like DC-9's (L. Ron might have come up with those himself) but there are a lot of similarities.

I would assume that this is not going to do anything to the believers of Lord Xenu but it gives us skeptics or SP’s (as Tom would call us) more ammunition for the fight. I don’t know if I am more surprised that a great “writer” like L. Ron would plagiarize something, or that someone else actually thought of this idea.

I would feel like I cheated you if I didn’t somehow show a video making Tom Cruise look like a total tool…so here is a classic from the archives:

Political Silliness Over the Weekend

Man Alive - did we have some good political trash talking going on this weekend! But not from John McCain - he's running a respectable campaign, or something. Actually, McCain probably said some silly things this past weekend, but since I don't want to overwhelm the D&F faithful, we'll stick to the Democratic talkers of trash for this installment. McCain's trash talking will be addressed tomorrow.

If there's one thing the Democratic party has working against it (beside the fact that socialism is a horrible idea), it's the party's uncanny ability to attract complete and utter idiots to endorse their candidates. Yes, I know idiots endorse Republicans, too. But it seems the Democrats manage to find the high-profile ones that inevitably attract significantly more attention. And as it just so happens, two well-known liberal nut-jobs were out stumping this weekend for the cause.

Gen. Wesley Clark (Ret.) is a well known Clintonite. Bill Clinton appointed him to head-up NATO back in the 90's, and ever since his laughable Presidential bid in 2004, he's been in Hillary's back pocket - probably hoping for the Secretary of Defense job. Yesterday, Clark was in a conference call with reporters, singing the praises of Hillary. This, naturally, led to a criticism of John McCain.

When asked whether or not Hillary would be able to lead the military when necessary, Clark was quick to point out that, while he was in Kosovo, plenty of women participated in the fight as pilots dropping bombs. Um, not to be critical of the retired General, but while there's thousands of women in uniform, Hillary was never one of them. So citing female bomber pilots doesn't really answer the question whether or not she is capable of leading the military. We'll give the General a pass on this one. His intentions were good, right? Women are just as capable as men to lead and fight.

If only Wes stopped there - he continued on to say that McCain's military experience is not the right kind of military experience needed to be President. Wait - so that must mean Hillary's non-existent military experience is the right kind of experience. Well, that doesn't make any sense. According to the General, Hillary's 8 years of first lady duty (a non-military position, for those of you who might think otherwise) more than qualifies her to make tough national security decisions - certainly more so than flying a stupid plane around. Wait, didn't Wes just say that female bomber pilots prove that women can fight? I am really confused now.

Wesley Clark served his country and for that, he deserves respect. However, any respect I might have had for his intelligence is completely non-existent. Attempting to equate being married to the President and serving in the military is idiotic. Just because Hillary was around when Bill decided to launch a cruise missile at an abandoned terrorist training camp does not mean she's somehow qualified to make the same sort of decisions.

On a related note, Gloria Steinem was running her mouth in Austin over the weekend. Instead of attacking McCain on something she might have knowledge about - like women's rights or abortion - she decided to question his POW status. Gloria asked how being tortured for 5 plus years qualifies one to be President. Gloria may have a point - being tortured doesn't necessarily qualify someone to be President. But it does show the sort of sacrifice one must be prepared to make for his (or her) country when President. Friggin' idiot.

Barack Hus***in Obama

I have purposely stayed away from writing about politics lately, mainly because I am burnt out on it and have no excitement about the three remaining candidates (as Sean pointed out this weekend, this is the first election I have not supported the winner). However the recent controversy started by Willy Cunningham last week about the use of Barack Obama’s middle name has got me thinking that Barack, his wife Michelle, and the US media are all a bunch of babies. I realize that Hussein (his middle name) conjures up images of Saddam and contributes to the rumors of Barack being a Muslim (which he is not) but give me a break, its politics and has always involved dirty tricks. It doesn’t help when John Sidney McCain (who believe it or not is running on the Republican side of the ticket) runs out as fast as possible to apologize. Where is John Sidney McCain’s testicular fortitude? Willy Cunningham is an entertainer (talk radio host) and not a spokesman for any candidate. Why does McCain have to apologize for him? Will John come out and apologize for everyone who made fun of me because my middle name is Thomas and last name Sawyer. I will be awaiting his news conference. Where was the outrage when a Hillary Clinton questioner called President Bush a "bastard"? I forgot, the media hates George Bush and his wife is not running out calling anything said about him the “ultimate fear bomb”.

There is a solution to this middle name brouhaha. Someone has gotten the rights to Barack’s fake middle name and is auctioning it off for someone to rename. This is where the creative genius of D&F readers comes into play and we will finally give Barack a more mainstream middle name and Republican candidates won’t have to sprint out to the microphones to suck up to Hussein Obama and the media. Here are my suggestions and hopefully they will finally get the “stigma” of Hussein off to Barack’s back:

--Ahmadinejad

--Mohammad

--Jeffrey (but that might be too controversial…we will have to see)

Put your suggestions in the comment sections and if there are any good ones, I might actually bid on this thing and maybe D&F can be the official site of Barack Hussein Obama’s fake middle name.

French Actress = Structural Engineer

The Navy has themselves a new toy. It's an amphibious transport ship - certainly not the rock star of the Navy, but that's ok. The cool thing about this boat is that 7.5 tons of steel used in the construction of the boat were salvaged from The World Trade Center wreckage. That means we're getting a 2 for 1 special - it's a sentimental testament to the men and women who died on 9-11, and it's part recycled material, which should make the silly tree-huggers happy.

Of course, if you're really smart like Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard, then you'll see a huge flaw with this new ship. In addition to her remarkable acting abilities - which appears to consist of being able to get really naked multiple times throughout the course of a movie (Google it) - she dabbles in structural engineering.

According to Marion, the World Trade Center fell entirely too quickly, and "We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? [There] [sic] was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed."

I'm not sure which tower in Spain was hit by a commercial airliner in recent history, but that's ok. Maybe she was at a bonfire and mistook the big pile of wood for a 100-story skyscraper. It's an honest mistake and happens more often than you would think, or something....

The important part here is that clearly Marion, in her professional engineering opinion, believes that something was structurally wrong with the twin towers prior to the 757's flying into them. And now, this inferior steel is in one of America's newest ships. I think Congress should launch some sort of investigation, as soon as they're done with the other more pressing matters of running the country, like determining if there's steroid use in professional sports or citing former Presidential aides for not ratting out their boss, who happens to be the President.

We should have a good week coming up - big primaries in Texas and Ohio. Hillary's deal with the Devil seems to be quickly unraveling, and the Obama brain washing operation is in full effect.

See you tomorrow.