For those of you D&F readers that have never met me, you must think I am a very unpleasant person - most of my posts are loaded with sarcasm, and I am generally venting about whatever has angered me that day. In reality, I'm actually a pretty nice guy. That is, once you get past the sarcasm and anger towards stupid people. But even yours truly has a breaking point, and when that point is reached, I declare that whatever has caused me to reach that point must be destroyed. Today's thing that must be destroyed: The Pampered Chef.
First and foremost, The Pampered Chef is a thinly veiled pyramid scheme. And as experts on the topic will tell you, pyramid schemes are about 2 and a half steps away from full fledged cult. It isn't wide spread knowledge, but David Koresh really started out as a salesperson for Cutco knives. Google it.
Fortunately, most guys are spared the inhumanity of a Pampered Chef party - this is reserved for the female of the species. For you single men out there or the few lucky gals who have not been to a Pampered Chef party, allow me to give you a breakdown of what really happens. The "organizer" (otherwise known as a 'shill') agrees to host a party for the "salesperson" (otherwise known as a 'Minion of the Devil'). The promise of yummy treats is typically enough to get most women to agree to attend, but if that fails, there's always peer pressure.
After showcasing the shockingly useless wares, which are REQUIRED to make the yummy treats, the Minion of the Devil asks each gal individually what they would like to buy. And this is where the magic happens: it's socially mandated that everyone at the party order at least one completely useless gadget. So pretty much the Minion of the Devil is guaranteed a good night. And for the weaker ones of the group, the Minion of the Devil is able to recruit them into the scheme; thus creating more Minions of the Devil. It's simplicity is what makes it evil.
One would think that someone as educated as I on the subject of The Pampered Chef would be prepared to combat its seductions. Alas, the only reason I know so much is because my wife, a seemingly educated person, has fallen prey to this cult on more than one occasion. What follows is but a sampling of Pampered Chef crap that is currently in my kitchen:
- Adjustable tablespoon and teaspoon: this is a spoon with a movable plastic piece that adjusts the quantity of whatever you're scooping. The moving piece is removable for "easy cleaning." Or, as I have come to discover "easy falling off in the dishwasher, clogging the drain line, and flooding the kitchen."
- Scooping rubber spatula: it's a regular spatula with curved sides to help scoop things. Yeah, totally worth the $10. Way better than the "spoon."
- Tomato knife: This is a green serrated knife. I have no idea why is it green. As anyone who has ever cut tomatoes is aware, serrated knives work better than straight edges. I know what you're going to ask. Yes, I already have SEVERAL serrated knives in my house that are perfectly capable of cutting a tomato. But thanks to The Pampered Chef, I now have one more. That's $15 I'll never see again.
There's way more crap in my kitchen compliments of The Pampered Chef, but I've ranted long enough. To be fair, Katie is a wonderful women and simply doesn't want to be mean to her dimwit friends that repeatedly throw Pampered Chef parties. That's why she goes to them. And once you're in, there's no way to stop the purchase from being made.
So now you see why The Pampered Chef must be destroyed. For legal reasons, I can't give specific instructions on how to go about taking down this soon to be cult. I can give you this though - use your imagination and don't be afraid to use Fight Club as inspiration.
First and foremost, The Pampered Chef is a thinly veiled pyramid scheme. And as experts on the topic will tell you, pyramid schemes are about 2 and a half steps away from full fledged cult. It isn't wide spread knowledge, but David Koresh really started out as a salesperson for Cutco knives. Google it.
Fortunately, most guys are spared the inhumanity of a Pampered Chef party - this is reserved for the female of the species. For you single men out there or the few lucky gals who have not been to a Pampered Chef party, allow me to give you a breakdown of what really happens. The "organizer" (otherwise known as a 'shill') agrees to host a party for the "salesperson" (otherwise known as a 'Minion of the Devil'). The promise of yummy treats is typically enough to get most women to agree to attend, but if that fails, there's always peer pressure.
After showcasing the shockingly useless wares, which are REQUIRED to make the yummy treats, the Minion of the Devil asks each gal individually what they would like to buy. And this is where the magic happens: it's socially mandated that everyone at the party order at least one completely useless gadget. So pretty much the Minion of the Devil is guaranteed a good night. And for the weaker ones of the group, the Minion of the Devil is able to recruit them into the scheme; thus creating more Minions of the Devil. It's simplicity is what makes it evil.
One would think that someone as educated as I on the subject of The Pampered Chef would be prepared to combat its seductions. Alas, the only reason I know so much is because my wife, a seemingly educated person, has fallen prey to this cult on more than one occasion. What follows is but a sampling of Pampered Chef crap that is currently in my kitchen:
- Adjustable tablespoon and teaspoon: this is a spoon with a movable plastic piece that adjusts the quantity of whatever you're scooping. The moving piece is removable for "easy cleaning." Or, as I have come to discover "easy falling off in the dishwasher, clogging the drain line, and flooding the kitchen."
- Scooping rubber spatula: it's a regular spatula with curved sides to help scoop things. Yeah, totally worth the $10. Way better than the "spoon."
- Tomato knife: This is a green serrated knife. I have no idea why is it green. As anyone who has ever cut tomatoes is aware, serrated knives work better than straight edges. I know what you're going to ask. Yes, I already have SEVERAL serrated knives in my house that are perfectly capable of cutting a tomato. But thanks to The Pampered Chef, I now have one more. That's $15 I'll never see again.
There's way more crap in my kitchen compliments of The Pampered Chef, but I've ranted long enough. To be fair, Katie is a wonderful women and simply doesn't want to be mean to her dimwit friends that repeatedly throw Pampered Chef parties. That's why she goes to them. And once you're in, there's no way to stop the purchase from being made.
So now you see why The Pampered Chef must be destroyed. For legal reasons, I can't give specific instructions on how to go about taking down this soon to be cult. I can give you this though - use your imagination and don't be afraid to use Fight Club as inspiration.
