TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for February 15, 2008:

In the Prank Call Hall of Fame news:
Man dials 911 over 27,000 times. Genius!!!

In news that only affects The Men in Black:
A smaller version of our Solar System discovered. Nerds around the world rejoice.

In why I want to be a lawyer news:
Woman sues Best Buy for $54 million...they lost her laptop.

In time for the Swiss to grow up news:
The Swiss continue to invent useless things...like an underwater car...that is also a convertible.

In hilarious headline news:
Arizona proves too hot for Cal!!! Get it??

In Jane Fonda making an ass out of herself again news:
Jane Fonda had to apologize for what she said live on the Today show.

ESPN Is Trying to Kill Barry Bonds

Last night sitting at the Nashville Preds’ game (which we lost in embarrassing fashion to Chicago…6-1) I was going to check the Vanderbilt ladies basketball score (someone sitting with us was very interested in the score for some reason). As I hit ESPN up on my celly the headline blazed “BONDS FAILED TEST”. I didn’t get too excited because this could have been like a reading test or a how not to be an arrogant ass test. However after reading the article, the report had said that federal prosecutors had filed briefs in their case against Barry that claimed he failed a drug test in November of 2001 just about a month after breaking the single season homerun record. This is important because it would basically prove the perjury case against Barry and he would go to the pokey for a while. B1, who was sitting next to me, did his customary gloat when celebrities/athletes look like they are going to jail.

But, if we have learned something from the media, it is you can’t always trust the first story. It turns out that the Feds had a case of the “fat fingers” and instead of saying that he failed a test in November of 2000 (which has already been reported and filed in court papers) they put November 2001, which would be huge news. By no means am I a fan of Barry Bonds. He should go the way of Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe. Not even be allowed to buy a ticket to visit Cooperstown. However, this is pretty crappy. I don’t think the Feds did this on purpose…except if they actually do have fat fingers than they should loose the weight, you know, adopt a healthy lifestyle. They should issue an apology to Barry. He has gone through a lot, and all of it caused by him…but this should not have happened. However, even without a failed drug test in November of 2001, I am pretty sure that he will still go to jail for perjury and not play baseball again. It is a shame this didn’t happen last year and he wouldn’t have broken Hank’s record.

ESPN is Trying to Kill Me

February through August is the most boring part of the year, as far as sports go. There is absolutely no football. While this leaves a void on the weekend for yours truly (all too often filled with stupid chores), it does give my blood pressure a chance to rest. I don't get all worked up about the absolutely retarded polls that lead to even more insanity in the BCS, and I don't have to listen to Lee Corso talk about his 3 days of coaching at Louisville. Hey, Lee, if your coaching advice was any good, you'd still be coaching.

Well, Mark Sclabach can't leave well enough alone. He's decided to go ahead and rank the top teams. And since I too can't leave well enough alone, I'm going to make fun of his stupid picks. Don't worry - I'm not going to go through all 25 teams he ranked. I'll simply target the 4 or 5 most ridiculous.

#1 - The University of Georgia. Good job, Mark. You got this one right. There were many a people who thought the Bulldogs should have played in the National Championships, but I'm not going to complain too much because the Championship stayed in the SEC, THE Ohio State University lost....again, and Hawaii was exposed as a not-so-great team when they have to play against a real defense.

#2 - Oklahoma University. Are you F-ing kidding me? In 2007, the Sooners lost to two unranked teams (Texas Tech and Colorado) before going on to be destroyed by West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl. They have now lost a good chunk of their experience, but Mark thinks that Sam Bradford is the second coming. Whatever.

#3 - THE Ohio State University. First off, Congress (since they're in the habit of making sure everything is on the up and up in sports) needs to ban the Buckeyes from the National Championship for the next 5 years. It's simply mean to play with OSU fans' emotions like that. They already live in a crappy state. There's no need to keep fooling them into thinking they're going to beat an SEC team. And good ol' Jim Tressel is once again going after football powerhouses like Youngstown State, Ohio University, and Troy State.

#7 - The University of Florida. Ok, they probably deserve a higher ranking than 7, seeing that they have a returning Heisman winner at quarterback. But I don't like Tim Tebow. And I really don't like Urban Meyer. He's a first class jackass. How did that stupid little "calling the time-out right before the snap" work out for you, Urban? It didn't. You lost to Auburn....again. HA!

#16 - Auburn University. Probably a good spot for Auburn. When Auburn ran the table in 2004, we started at #17 (AP) and #18 (Coach's). As infuriating as it is to listen to commentators not give Auburn any respect, it seems to be good for Tommy and the Tigers. And with Brandon Cox not throwing interceptions anymore, Auburn should be much better off.

There's a couple other questionable rankings in there - Missouri, Kansas, Clemson, Texas Tech. Sure these teams did well last year, but we all remember what happened to Louisville, Rutgers and BYU in 2006. They pulled off some upsets, but couldn't seem to keep it up the following season. Oh well. I don't think the real preseason polls come out until April, so maybe a couple months of rest will do my heart good.

You Decide: Saudi Arabia in 2008 or Salem, MA in 1692

From Foxnews.com:

BEIRUT, Lebanon — A leading human rights group appealed to Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah on Thursday to stop the execution of a woman accused of witchcraft and performing supernatural acts.

See?

The Middle East really is 300 years behind the rest of the world.

This Freaked Me Out

WARNING: This is weird. Very, very weird. If any of you are readers of the Drudge Report then you saw this story a couple days ago, but here at D&F we love being the official site of 2 day old news. This guy is really short and decided one day that he wanted to be a “body builder”. At 2 feet 9 inches he is officially the world’s shortest bodybuilder. Which got me thinking…what is considered a body builder? Just because this guy goes to the gym, does that make him a bodybuilder? He only weighs 20 pounds and is able to lift 3.3 pounds. That is basically (for all your math retarded people) 16.5% of his body weight. In order for me to call myself stronger pound for pound than him, I would have to be able to lift 24.75 pounds. I think it is safe to say that I am stronger, pound for pound, than the worlds smallest body builder. HA. By default that should make me the worlds most average sized body builder. I will be happy to submit photos and videos of my lifting to Guinness if they need proof.

It turns out that this little guy is a huge hit in his tiny (no pun intended) town in India. My guess is that there are a ton of groupies outside his gym and he can take is pick of ladies. You might be asking yourself if he is disproportioned like regular dwarfs well,

“Unlike many dwarfs, Romeo is well proportioned, with a head circumference of 15in and a chest measurement of 20in.”

That is good to know. Also, what has this newfound fame gone to his head? Unfortunately, yes.

“I've been training as a bodybuilder for the last two years and by now I think I must be the strongest dwarf in the world.”

Woah calm down there Romeo…that is like saying I am the world record holder in Donkey Kong (Billy Mitchell)…not something you want your kids telling their friends at school (unless you actually want them to be beaten up).

So I was debating putting a picture of this guy or not…but I think I have to. So for your viewing pleasure…here is Romeo “The Self Proclaimed World’s Strongest Dwarf”:

He is going for tone...not bulk.

There's No Fix for That Kind of Crazy

Since yesterday's sole post (thanks for being lazy, William) was somewhat heavy and not terribly funny, I figured I'd start off with one of D&F's favorite topics - the Spears family. Of late, there hasn't been anything real interesting (funny) about Britney or Jamie Lynn.

Sure, Britney was hoped up on meth for a few days, stalked some random kids outside a school, and convinced me that she does not own any bras, but this was nothing to write home about. In fact, I would have found it shocking if she wasn't on meth and didn't try to steal other people's kids. Britney Spears acting like a person without a chemical imbalance - that would have been cause for concern.

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before the paparazzi found more paydirt with the Spears sisters. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Let's start with Jamie Lynn Spears. According to the highly reputible Star Magazine, Jamie and her baby daddy are now planning on keeping the baby. Jamie seems to have no problem with the fact that her Hollywood career is very likely over. In fact, soon-to-be Mom and Dad are looking for a double-wide to start their life together (because a single-wide simply wouldn't do for a family of three). Star also reports that shortly before going public with her pregnancy, Jamie Lynn was at a party and asked a random guy for sex. Reportadly, she said something along the lines of, "Don't worry. I'm pregnant, so I can't get pregnant again." Man, do I miss living in Louisiana.

In Britney news, it seems that PETA has a different theory on what is causing the elder Spears' problems - dairy and meat products. Yeah, PETA, it's the ice cream and hamburgers she's eating, not the mass amounts of meth, prescription drugs, and alcohol that's causing the problem. Not to mention the fact that Britney has no concept of reality and that pesky manic depression. Nope - it has to be cheese. Friggin' hippies.

Anyway, have a good Thursday. The week is almost over.

The Super Delegate

I've got to be honest. I'm really impressed with the campaign Barack Obama is running. Since November 3, 2004, the majority of media outlets have worked under the assumption that Hillary Clinton would be the next Democratic Presidential candidate and, subsequently, President. Hillary was the "chosen" one. With Barack's sweep of the Potomac Primaries yesterday, Hillary's Kung-Fu grip on the nomination is no longer a certainty, and the role of the super delegate now becomes a critical part of the Democratic nomination process.

So that begs the question - what is a super delegate? Basically, a super delegate is an elected position within the Democratic National Committee. Unlike a normal state delegate, a super delegate can vote for whomever he wants, and conveniently enough, his vote counts for way more than a regular delegate.

The super delegate was created because the DNC leadership felt that the voters (normal people) had to much control over the nomination process. Wait. Why are Democrats removing power from the voters and putting it in the hands of a very few select people? I thought the Democrats were the party of the people, and the Republicans were the elitists? To be fair, the Republicans do have some super delegates, but nowhere close to the number that the Dems have.

I would have a picture of a known super delegate, but none seem to exist. So, here's an artist's rendition of what a Democratic super delegate may look like:

"Me am super delegate. Me know what good for America."

Why don't the Dems want the individual voter to pick the party's nominee? There are two readily available explanations - one, they don't trust the general population of the US; or, two, the powers that be want to stay that way, and the best way to go about it is to diminish the power of the vote. So pick one - either way, it's antithical to democracy.

The idea of a super delegate also speaks to Barack's and Hillary's (and the Democratic party as a whole) approach to government: The government is all-knowing and good for you; the individual is stupid. Anything that is wrong in the world can be fixed with the appropriate government agency. Right.

How long has Congress been looking at steriods in baseball? 3 years? Has anything been accomplished? Nope. Since taken the House and Senate in 2006, the Dems have launched a ridiculous number of investigations, but have done nothing to address the biggest problems the country faces: illegal immigration, social securty reform, national security... the list goes on.

Ronald Regan said it best: "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.'"

Sorry for the not-so humorous post. I think it's important to know the nature of who may be the leader of this country in less than a year, and when an entire political party seems dedicated to non-democratic practices, you might want to rethink supporting that parties candidate.

Funny stuff for the rest of the day. I promise.

City Council Meetings: Prime Targets for Idiots

Over the course of W's administration, there have been several instances of town and / or city governments doing stupid things like passing resolutions to impeach Bush and Cheney, indicting them on war crimes, trying to kick the Marine recruiting station out of town, and other things that qualify as an exceptional waste of taxpayer money.

Most recently, Boulder, CO is the latest town to jump on the "resolution calling for impeachment" bandwagon. Of course, this isn't the first time Boulder has let the rest of the world know how they feel about W's foreign policy and the war. They passed a resolution condemning the initial invasion in 2003, and then in 2006, they passed a resolution calling for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

If you read the article, you'll find that the city council members actually think this is a good idea. Wouldn't it be a better use of time to try and reduce the number of rapes in Boulder, CO each year? After all, Boulder, CO was above the national average for rapes per capita.

Anyway, instead of sitting here and pointing out just how stupid this idea is, I'll just post a link to a classic Onion article. I've never been to a town hall meeting, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you let people talk about anything they want to in a public forum, kind of like Boulder, CO.

Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public

NEW BEDFORD, MA—"I fought in Korea, and by God I would do it again," said 76-year-old Ronald Schroyer, who immediately retook his seat.

Here to Help

Nashville is bracing for probably the biggest snow accumulation that has ever been recorded. Or at least that is what you would think with the way people are driving and going to the grocery store to stock up on the essential milk and bread before the big whiteout. I went to weather.com today and saw that God was going to drop a few of the white flakes tonight. Coming from a state (Ohio) that regularly gets snow this time of year I really wasn’t that fazed. Let’s keep in mind that there is going to be zero inches of accumulation. I just went to Kroger to get some toothpaste (contrary to popular belief, I do in fact brush my teeth) and there was a huge run on milk and bread.

Why, when people hear that it will snow, do they go out and stock up on these two items. Are these the only items that will sustain them if snow falls? It is like when the Pharaohs went around Egypt killing all the young boys…the red X on the door meant that that house had been searched. Do the snow gods look for the red X to signify that milk and bread have been purchased and that house can be spared? Very few things can make people in the south panic more than the threat of snow (another being the threat that Dale Earnhardt Jr. might retire from NASCAR). It doesn’t even have to snow…just forecast it and schools and business will shut its doors and probably let out early so people can stock up, so they can survive the 4 hours the next morning that they might (and I stress might) have to wait for the white stuff to thaw.

Also, when snow is forecast…does that immediately affect the way you drive? It’s like a forecast of snow puts everyone on high alert and then they instantly turn into old people who just got their license renewed and are enjoying a Sunday drive except it is Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong, I love Nashville and the people here are great. It’s just an epidemic of people in the South that they are unable to operate when the threat of snow approaches. The Islamic terrorist could really do some damage if they could get a hold of George W. Bush’s racist weather machine and just threaten the South with snow everyday…that would cripple us.

So, to people living in the South and specifically those living in Nashville: I have faith that you will be able to operate your car normally and if you do need to stock up on survival items…go with the steak, Chips Ahoy Soft Batch Cookies and Mayfield Birthday Cake Ice Cream. Your family will thank you.

Hannah Montana Fans are Crazy...in a bad way.

This man is fat...so that makes him Hannah Montana's biggest fan.

I am not sure how many of you actually go back to old post and see the comments that people have left. I get emailed all of the comments so I can see which post is causing some heat and which ones are duds. There have been few that have gotten people to respond more than our "Anything for Hannah Montana post." This also is one of the only post that people who don’t know who we are leave comments. So I decided that maybe if we want some more traffic (and comments) we should just write about Hannah Montana occasionally and see what happens.

Now, if you are like me, you couldn't tell the difference betwen Beyonce, Rihanna or Hannah Montana. So you could probably care less about her. However, she has some pretty rabid fans. And those fans love to leave comments on blogs. They also are probably not the brightest fans either, because I feel that some of them think that Hannah Montana actually writes this blog. For instance:

Annonymous wrote “I love you hannah montana im your biggest fan ever! God bless you girl.”

We have gotten a couple messages like this. Here is another Annonymous comment:

Annonymous: “hannah montana i am your biggest fan i went to your best of both worlds tour in providence at the d/d center i almost met you”

Not only do Hannah Montana fans not realize that Ms. Montana is not actually her real name, but they don’t realize she doesn’t write a blog by the title of Dink and Flika. I am just throwing it out there. And would it kill these people to actually use proper punctuation? I don’t want these “fans” to abandon out blog because they make up about 45% of the readership (I made that number up) but instead I want them to leave more comments. If they promise to leave comments like this, I promise to write about Hannah Montana in a salacious manner:

TMZ: “Hannah Montana is sweet, but she isnt smart, she's leaking lesbi photos and lieing, she lied, she lied..she lied.” (editors note: I am pretty sure TMZ did not leave this comment, I am pretty sure TMZ knows how to spell).

So at this point I should make up some rumor that will get the fans all in a tizzy. So here it is:

According to my source, Hannah Montana will retire at the end of 2008 to focus on her budding dog show career.

Good luck Ms. Montana...I wish you well. You heard it here first on D&F*.

-----------------------------------------------

*This rumor is totally made up. There is no validity to this. Lets see if Hannah Montana fans know what footnotes are.

Uhhh...nerd.

Part werewolf part vampires just don't get the same respect they once did. A 19 year old Pottsville, PA man was arrested after he slept with a 15 year old girl who believed he was the elusive hybrid werewolf/vampire beast. I mean, who wouldn’t drop their pants for someone who came up with that line. In fact, I think I will employ that in my arsenal of pick up lines. Once the coppers got involved, Kristian Allen Carl (nerd) let the authorities know that he had some dragon that was there to protect him from “evildoers”. Well the dragon must have been on his smoke break…because big Kristian was put in the clink. You might be wondering if the dragon was the best argument that Kristian had for his claim that he was a werewolf/vampire…well no. In a last ditch effort to convince the hater (the cop) that he was in fact a werepire he showed the cop his canine teeth. The only problem is, according to Wikipedia, every mammal has canine teeth…including humans.

I feel bad for this guy. Every since TeenWolf, staring the 4 foot Michael J Fox, werewolves and the like has gotten zero respect. Michael J Fox trivialized what werewolves have to go through. Kristian the werepire was just trying to get some action, unfortunately for him, werepires are not immune from statutory rape…even if they have a guardian dragon.

Why Is This Even a Study?

Normally, when we run across a pointless study here at D&F, we'll make fun of the so-called "scientists", comment on how better to spend the money, and call it a day. It's a good formula, and one of the reasons our readership is now consistently in the triple digits. But for today's pointless study, well, let's just say it needs some special attention.

For those of you who do not want to read the article, here's what you need to know: "scientists" in Iceland have discovered that 3rd cousins are the most fertile. That's right - incest produces the most pregnancies. There's some other science mumbo-jumbo in there, but who cares? People are actually spending time figuring out how often 3rd cousins get it on and then subsequently become pregnant.

First off, this study is exponentially more disturbing than it is pointless. Yeah, it's pointless, but the first question that popped into my head after reading this article is how in the name of all that is holy did someone come up with this idea? I figured things in Iceland must be pretty boring, but I had no idea it was this bad. Can they not get PS3, X-box's, or Wii's up there?

And how did the person who thought this idea up convince other people it was a worthwhile use of their time - "Hey, Ásbjörn, don't you want to know how often 3rd cousins are bumping uglies and getting knocked up?"

After getting over the initial shock of this, you begin to wonder what purpose this information would serve. As far as I know, there isn't a population crisis in the human species, and if one ever develops, I would hope that we could come up with a better strategy than incest. Can you imagine the bumper stickers for that one? "SAVE HUMANITY - ACT LIKE A WEST VIRGINIAN."

I've come to the conclusion that the only purpose this study will serve is as a Trivial Pursuit question, or the basis for some talk show jokes. Either way, it's another piece of useless information that will be stored in my brain, until I kill that memory cell with some beer.

Can Someone Please Explain This To Me?

Before getting into the good stuff, I apologize for slacking off last week. Apparently, I'm expected to do some sort of work in return for the money I get each week. Then, I went up to the North Carolina mountains for a little R&R. Unfortunately, there wasn't any good skiing weather, so we did some tourist-like things and chilled. Good weekend.

But enough about me. The Honorable Lady from California, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, is pretty close to an Idiot of the Day Nomination (with all due respect, of course). Yesterday, Wolf Blitzer interviewed her. Now, if you've been following the elections and the endless number of debates we've had, you may have noticed that the Iraq war is not really a talking point for either side.

This is weird considering that during the 2006 mid-term election, virtually every Democrat candidate advocated redeploying American soldiers out of Iraq in the near future, if not immediately. Then, when the President presented his "surge" plan, the Democrats criticized the idea, and several of the leaders in the party declared the war lost. Even when news started rolling in that the increase in American forces had crippled the insurgency, Democrats insisted that the war is still lost, and we should just pull all American troops back.

Well, yesterday, the Honorable Lady from California completely baffled me. During the interview with Wolf, she stated that "Iraq is a failure," and in the same breath said "the troops have succeeded. God bless them." I don't know why she threw the "God bless them," in there, but anytime she mentioned the troops in this interview, it was followed by, "God bless them." It's like she believes asking God to bless the troops somehow absolves her from being an idiot. If only it were that simple.

So, D&F readers, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to explain how the troops can succeed, but their mission (Iraq) fail. In my opinion, it is impossible to seperate the two, and any attempt to say that the troops have succeeded, but the war is lost is oxymoronic. Whether you support the war or not, the idiocy of the Honorable Lady's statement is pretty clear.

Fat (I mean really fat) Man With a Little Gun

I think it's funny...if you don't well then keep to yourself. Sorry for the post today (for that matter the whole week), I am traveling back to Nashville. Enjoy the really fat man shooting a really small gun...maybe he is shooting salad.


Fat Guy With a Little Gun - Watch more free videos

Prison Roger

The Roger Clemens saga has taken another turn. The news broke last night that Clemens' trainer, Brian McNamee, has physical evidence that will implicate Clemens. This is huge…not because it is another piece of evidence against Clemens and the accusation that he cheated, but because this now involves Congress and swearing under oath that you are telling the truth. Unless your name is Bill Clinton, you can’t sit for a deposition and lie. So, if McNamee is able to produce needles, vials and other things…then Clemens has lost more than his baseball reputation.

As Roger’s lawyers heard the accusations they shot back with this canned line,

“Brian McNamee is obviously a troubled man who is obsessed with doing everything possible to destroy Roger Clemens.”

Rule one in bad PR management (at least it is my rule number 1 of bad PR) attack the person, not the claim. This makes Clemens look even guiltier. Notice that the lawyers didn’t restate that Clemens had never used HGH or steroids they call McNamee a “mad man.” That may be true. McNamee might be a nutcase that just wants the limelight. He can be a mad man…but if has some needles that have some Clemens DNA on it…then Clemens will be rubbing some HGH on some big dude in prison…probably Prison Mike.

I want to believe Clemens…I want to think that he was one of the greatest pitchers ever to play the game. But if it is true that he did use HGH or steroids, lied about it to the public and Congress and engaged in character assassination, then he deserves to follow Pete Rose down the Baseball Walk of Shame.

Clean up the Poopie and get Jesus back...seems fair

Wherever this "news" story is from (my guess is it is from a place where snow falls and sticks), it must be a really slow news day. However the word "poopie" is used multiple times and that brings up its hilarity value tenfold. If you have any information on the whereabouts of the Jesus statue, please send this lady more ransom notes that mention poopie so that the good times can continue for those involved.

Prank War: Election Judges 1, Voters Nothing

In the voter friendly confines of Chicago, voters were duped by some "invisible ink" pens. When about 20 people walked into the polling place to cast their votes for the “most important election” until next election, their pens did not work. They probably tried everything to get them to work. Draw circles really fast on another sheet of paper, shake the pen, lick the tip and press the pen tip to the paper really hard and write. Alas, none of the tried and true methods worked so when they told the “election judge” that the pens didn’t work, officials hit back with,

“It's invisible ink…the scanner will count it.”

Well done election judges. I remember playing this joke on kids in second grade (not the voting part, but the invisible ink part). I also remember having “invisible ink” in second grade, but you could totally tell when it would write something on the paper because it left a faint trail of “invisible” residue. Why grown adults would believe that they were actually using invisible ink when in second grade I could tell if it was invisible ink or not is beyond me.

I know that the poll tax and miscellaneous test conducted at polls (reading and stuff like that) were made unconstitutional many years ago and for good reason, however if someone is going to believe that you now vote with invisible ink…then maybe they shouldn’t be voting. I think Carlton Burkhardt (a lady who bought the invisible ink story) sums it up best,

“I am furious and devastated and I just feel stupid."

Yes, Carlton, you are stupid.

It's Painfully Obvious Headline Day

In the spirit of William's blog on useless studies, it seems that several major news outlets are being really, really lazy. Instead of doing some actual investigating, discovering ground breaking truths that will alter the course of human history, they're just writing stories about stuff we already know. Interestingly enough, one of the other authors on this blog does pretty much the same thing with his "Random Wikipedia Article" entry. How lazy is that?

Anyway, here are some prime examples of just how lazy these "reporters" are:

- The Washington Times reported that, according to the CIA, Al Qaeda is planning attacks on the U.S. This is a double whammy. Not only is the Washington Times repeating something that has been common knowledge for the better part of a decade, the CIA is putting this information out there. What's next? Iran doesn't like the U.S. Thanks, CIA. I'm glad we're torturing people for key intel like this.

- Roger Freidman at Foxnews.com felt it was necessary to tell the world that Paris Hilton cannot act. Stop the friggin' presses. Is Roger trying to tell is that someone who is famous for making a sex tape (and bad one at that) has no acting ability? Someone get the Pultizer Prize committee on the phone.

- And another gem from Foxnews.com: Al Qaeda is training kids to be terrorists. Yeah, we've seen the Hamas pictures of little kids with suicide vests and AK-47's. It warms the heart.

- CNN.com felt it was necessary to repeat these words of wisdom from the UN: UN: Afghan Opium Growth is 'Alarming'. When is opium growth normal? Isn't this kinda like saying UN: Fire is 'Hot'.

There's plenty more out there, but I must do some work.

Pointless Study of The Week Time

In another apparent attempt to tell us what we already know, The University of Pittsburgh spent money to study if music lyrics contained references to drug, alcohol and tobacco. The results are very not shocking…music lyrics of today’s most popular music do in fact reference drugs, alcohol and tobacco (DAT). In fact, according to the study (or as I like to call it a waste of time), two thirds of the references put the DAT in a positive light. Kids these days, it turns out, hear over 30,000 references a year to drugs, alcohol and tobacco. Rap and Country have a higher percentage than other genres of music…another big shocker there. In order to qualify as rap the “song” has to talk about getting drunk (or high) and beating your woman…for country to qualify as a song it has to talk about getting drunk and loving your dog more than your woman. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. William 1…Rap and Country 0.

Seeing how I am a big fan of list, I figured I would jot down a few things that I feel would have been a better use of the money that was spent to “study” this cultural phenomenon (lets assume the “study” cost $100,000…that is the going rate for pointless University studies).

--$100,000 worth of lottery tickets (guaranteed to change value)

--Pay Paris Hilton $100,000 to show up at your party

--Rent out the entire Curb Event Center for a Belmont University Women’s Basketball game (but then you are left with $99,997.53, so what to do with the change?)

--Buy 25,062 Ci-Ci Pizza Buffets.

--Cash out the check for $100,000 and burn the cash.

I hear that The University of Pittsburgh now has the approval to go forward with their next ground breaking study…Christian Music and how many times Christ is referenced in it.

The Official D&F Endorsement Blog

Don't get too excited. I'm not going to endorse one candidate over another. Although, if you're a faithful D&F reader, I have tipped my hand on a couple occasions. Regardless, this entry is more about endorsements other people have made.

When a candidate drops out of the race, they typically endorse one of the remaining candidates in an effort to instruct those who were planning on voting for the quitter. Since he's a dirt-bag ambulance chaser, Edwards opted not to endorse anyone when he dropped out, wanting to keep his options open. I'd be willing to be that he text messages Obama and Clinton on a daily basis asking if he can be their running mate.

Speaking of dropping out, why are Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee still in the race? Ok, I guess there's a remote chance Huckabee will accomplish something today, but come on, Ron Paul? Note to future Presidential candidates: don't rely on hand-painted bed sheets for your campaign signs. It doesn't exactly give a professional impression.

I guess there is some purpose behind a candidate, once he or she drops out, in endorsing one of the remaining candidates. However, I really don't care what anyone in Hollywood has to say about the Presidential election. In fact, if there is one group of people that I feel comfortable saying is universally unqualified to give any political advice, it's Hollywood stars, and mimes.

Unfortunately, that doesn't stop stars from running their mouths on a regular basis. George Clooney is supporting Obama - in case you were waiting to make up your mind based upon the advice from the worst Batman ever. How about this one - The Grateful Dead (at least the ones that are still alive) also support Barack Obama. Do people really think that acid rock bands and movie stars know anything about what makes a good President? Don't answer that - my brain can't handle the truth right now.

Oh well. I'm going to wait until Britney makes an endorsement. Then I'll make up my mind on who to vote for, unless she endorses a crack pipe or crystal meth, which is entirely possible.

Headline of The Week

Is this a crime?

The Poll Is Closed

If you had not heard yet…the Super Bowl has been played and The Giants were able to pull off the greatest thing ever to happen in the history of man kind (at least that is the feeling I get when I listen to ESPN commentators talk about it). More importantly 34% of D&F readers were able to correctly pick the outcome…which means that 66% of the people of D&F have no idea what they are talking about. For God’s sakes, 14% of you thought Barack Obama was going to win…he is not even a football team.

Anyway, congratulations to the Giants and Eli Manning…it was a great game. Also, Bill Belichick is a jerk. My guess is next year during the regular season of the fooseball season every commercial will have a Manning in it…that should excite Bobby 2.

Here is “The Play” in case you weren't one of the 97.5 million people who didn't watch the game.

It's Super Tuesday

One of the many candidates...Mitt Romney (not an endorsement).

In what can only be explained as a political junkie’s wet dream it is Super Tuesday. 24 states go to the polls to decide who is going to represent the two political parties going into the November election. While technically the Democrats can sow up their nominee tonight it probably won’t happen. The Republicans can not sow up their nominee but they can put someone on the track to the nominee or keep it a two person race.

The multitude of D&F readers (they number in the tens) have been asking me to declare my allegiance to a candidate. While I am sure most people know which party I would be more likely to vote for, I do not see a need to expos my political views on such impressionable people. Privately, I have told people who I voted for (I early voted like two or three weeks ago) and who I hope wins and doesn’t win but I do not think D&F is the place to try to influence the vote. All I really want is for people to actually go out of their way and vote today and in November. If you are still unsure about who shares your values and beliefs, then this website gives you the cliff-notes.

So, go out and vote. Get that cool sticker and be proud that we live in a country where we go to the polls peacefully and elect people to lead the greatest nation in the world into the future (and hopefully that future includes flying cars).

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for February 5, 2008:

In a blow to kid's creativity news:
Middle School punishes talented kids who can fart on queue.

In another reason not to fly United Airlines news:
United is going to start charging passengers for their second checked bag.

In incredibly pointless research and development news:
Kodak is in development of a 5 megapixel camera phone.

In Super Bowl ad news:
USA Today's Ad Meter for the Super Bowl ads.

In college basketball news:
Bobby Knight retired last night. Chairs around the world rejoiced.

In another victory for lazy people news:
Ha...The Netherlands have set the standard now. Robots who pump gas.

The Shotgun Blog

I enjoyed myself a little too much this past weekend, and now my body is making me pay for it. Accordingly, my brain is not functioning properly, and I can't seem to come up with a complete blog entry. Therefore, I am going to throw a couple news stories out there / random thoughts and hope it meets the stringent D&F blogging standards.

- The Muslim PR machine was in full swing this past weekend. In the worst bombing since the surge started, the totally brave "freedom fighters" in Iraq tricked two mentally retarded women to walk into crowded areas with remote detonated bombs. As a rule, I label any suicide bomber as "retarded" but I guess I'm going to have to rethink that one. I would like someone to find a passage in the Koran that says it's ok to use unknowing mentally retarded people to carry out Allah's will.

- In other "what the F is wrong with those people" news, the Iranian judicial system has sentenced two women to death by stoning for adultery. Wait - it gets better. In their first trial, the two women were sentenced to 90 lashes for "illegal relations." I guess Allah wasn't happy with that, so a second trial FOR THE SAME THING was held, and that produced the Allah-pleasing death by stoning sentence.

- Whoever is responsible for naming scandals - the media, pop culture, etc - needs to be a little more creative. Ever since Watergate, the best this country can do in naming a scandal is simply attaching the word "gate" to the end of it. I guess I can let it slide on for the Clinton's Whitewater Gate, but it's just gotten to the point of laziness. Spy-gate? Come on - we used to have things like The Boston Tea Party, The Gulf of Tonkin Incident, Tea Pot Dome.

- And finally, this weekend, we found out Britney Spears is addicted to meth. Stop the presses. I totally didn't see that comming.

Well, that's the best I can do for today. I'm on a self-imposed detox for tonight, so I'll be in top shape for tomorrow.

This Guys Chewbacca Impersonation Is Spot On

For anyone who knew Bobby-2 between the ages of 4 and 8 knew he could do a mean Chewbacca impersonation. If we were playing Star Wars we knew who Bobby was going to play.

I thought nobody could top Bobby's impression until I watched this video. It seems to be of a man who is voluntarily submitting to being tazed. He doesn't want to scream out in pain or scream out, "Don't taze me hermano." So instead he trys to hide his pain, and show off his own Chewbacca impression at the same time. Enjoy. Don't worry Bobby I still think no one can top your Donald Duck voice.

Lesson in How to Look Guilty

Drew Peterson (no relation to Scott Peterson except for the fact they are wife killers) who is a “person of interest” in the disappearance of his fourth wife and a suspect in the murder of his third wife (still awaiting charges for that one) is making news again. You might remember last week he went on a radio show with the urging of his lawyer to take part in a “Dating Game” type format (the lawyer thought it would help his image). He is ready to get back on the wagon and start dating. I mean, its been three months since his wife “disappeared”…why not? Thankfully, there was at least one smart person who was listening to this nonsense and canceled the dating show.

This brings up to this weeks news. Mr. Jackass wants to get a divorce. He is reading up on his law books and thinks he has to wait a year (I am not sure if that is true…I don’t really trust his legal council at this point). That is not stopping him though when it comes to finding his fifth wife that he can murder love unconditionally. According to the story:

“The ex-cop told the newspaper he would not mind getting legal advice from Chicago attorney Corri Fetman, who is expected to appear in Playboy magazine and has promoted her practice in racy billboard ads, according to the paper.”

Not only that but he says,

“If she wants to go out for drinks, give me a call.”

Ms. Fetman with her moto "Life is short...Get a Divorce"

I think next week Drew should start writing a “How To” book. “How To Look Guilty When Suspected of Murdering Two of Your Wives.” It’s catchy.

Puppy Bowl IV

This is a huge weekend. Not only will I be venturing down to Tunica, MS to gamble my hard earned money at the chance of making a minuscule return, not only will a billion people be tuning in to The Super Bowl pitting the perfect Patriots against the galvanized Giants (nice use of alliteration), this weekend is even more special because it plays host to The Puppy Bowl. Last year was the first time I tuned into Animal Planet to catch this spectacle. And…it…was…awesome. If you are new to The Puppy Bowl here are the ground rules. They put 4-5 puppies in a play area that looks like a football field. They let the puppies do what puppies do and the madness ensues. The best part is when there are penalties (usually for going to the bathroom). The “referee” pulls the puppy out and cleans up the mess. If you thought CBS had cool cameras you haven’t seen the water cam yet. The water bowls have a clear bottom and the camera looks up into the bowl. INCREDIBLE.

The lineup this year looks a little weak…mainly because there are no black labs. But if I had to put money on it I would go with Bruin an Alaskan Malamute. I have never actually heard of that bread but he looks like a beast of a dog. There are a couple other dogs like they mean business but you can never tell with puppies.

If watching puppies run around and fight isn’t enough excitement for you, Barstoolsports.com encourages its readers to make prop bets (a prop bet is a side bet that you place with other spectators). So, for instance, first puppy to poop, first one to play in the water bowl, first one to bark and the list goes on. Even if you don’t watch for the full three hours (3pm Eastern to 6pm) a couple minutes of this is well worth it. If you are lucky enough to have HD television, Animal Planet is in HD now and for the first year so is The Puppy Bowl. So sit back this weekend…enjoy the festivities surrounding The Super Bowl but give The Puppy Bowl a couple minutes of your time. You can thank me later (also thank Sean since he reminded me about The Puppy Bowl).

Unlikely, But Ironic Future News

If you don't understand this post, read this article.

In what can be only described as the most shocking and surprising attack on American soil since the horrors of 9-11, a gang of rebel Mongolian pirates raided the California town of Berkley. The purpose of the raid is unknown, but the pirates wasted no time in burning the town to the ground and then raping and pillaging the local population.

Normally, the Marines would be deployed from Camp Pendleton, located outside Sand Diego. However, due to the efforts of Code Pink in the early months of 2008, the Marines are forbidden by federal law to enter Northern California.

Berkley's mayor made the following statement, shortly before being dragged through the streets tied to the back of a Mongolian vehicle:

"As a freedom-loving and peaceful community, Berkley respects the right of these Mongolian raiders to express themselves in whatever form they feel like - be it burning our town, destroying the college, or raping our women. I would also like to add that under no circumstances should the United States Armed Forces attempt to violate the rights of this Mongolian horde. The citizens of Berkley believe the American armed forces to be the embodiment of evil, and they have never done anything good for America, or any other country on this planet, for that matter."

The mayor was unavailable for comment following the raid.

Stupid Japanese game show that I wish was in America

I am not sure if the Japanese are more creative or just more willing to put stupid game shows on TV then we Americans are but I have yet to be disappointed in any of their creations. The ones that are most well known are The Most Extreme Elimination Challenge and Ninja Warrior. I think the success of both of these shows and most of their game shows is the fact they pit humans against stupid obstacles and then laugh when they do not succeed.

The clip below is no different. The title is the best description for it, "Human Tetris." Enjoy.



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Thanks to Jessica for sending this gem in.