PETA Should Go Back to Naked Chicks

A few days ago, a Chinese immigrant to Canada decided to behead a fellow Greyhound bus passenger. Without going into gory details - Vince Weiguang Li attacked Tim McLean while he was sleeping. Li stabbed McLean several times, and then proceeded to show the severed head to the horrified passenegers standing outside the bus. Why the 'horrified passengers' weren't running away, I have no idea.

PETA, in their infinite stupidity, saw this grotesque murder not as an example of how dark human nature can be; rather, it's a PR opportunity. Here's some excerpts from their ad featuring the murder:

- "His struggles and cries are ignored ... the man with the knife shows no emotion ... the victim is slaughtered and his head cut off ... his flesh is eaten"

- "If this ad leaves a bad taste in your mouth, please give a thought to what sensitive animals think and feel when they come to the end of their frightening journey and see, hear and smell the slaughterhouse"

- "Like human victims, animals in slaughterhouses experience terror when they are attacked by a knife-wielding assailant...We are challenging everyone who is rightly horrified by this crime to look into their hearts and consider leaving violence off their dinner plates."

There has to be someone in the PETA organization that has a better idea for advancing the PETA agenda than comparing eating a delicious steak to random, psychotic murder. What's that? There isn't? Well then, someone should really clue them into effective marketing techniques.

Anyway, here's an article by Wesley J. Smith that points out some flaws in the vegan lifestyle and mentality.

And just because I like pointing out the stupidity of these people, here's a webpage that chronicles some of the dumber things uttered by vegetarians. They're all remarkably moronic in their own special way, but this one, by far, is the gold medal winner:

"Hey; maybe hitler was actually killing meat eaters, not Jews. It was just changed to Jews because people got offended and obviously most Jews eat meat. Maybe his ethical cleansing was a way to rid the world of meat eaters. Would make sense with his prediction of vegetarianism by 2000; if he was in charge, who knows... The above comment isn't meant to cause offence if it does by the way."

Oh. My. God.

WTF? Sex Tape Edition

From The News and Observer:

RALEIGH - Police think a Raleigh woman stole a personal computer and used it to make an adult video she intended to distribute.

At first glance, this story isn't that shocking. So some crazy chick stole a computer and made a sex tape. Thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, this sort of thing is no longer shocking, especially when it's just a random person.

But it gets better. Way better:

Investigators have accused Erica Jasmine Bridges, 18, and an accomplice, Darnell Marquise Johnson, 19, of stabbing Carroll [the owner of the stolen computer] and carjacking his vehicle in an attempt to steal the computer a second time and recover the movie, according to a search warrant filed Monday in Wake County.

Spectacular. I have some many questions. Was this a tape for personal use or did Erica and Darnell plan to market the bad boy? Erica and Darnell obviously have no problem stealing a computer and then recording a sex act, so why the desperate measure to recover the sex tape? Modest is not the word I think of after hearing of these exploits.

If you ask me, Carroll (the victim) is in on this somehow. How do you happen to recover your stolen computer with another person's sex tape on it BEFORE those people had a chance to copy or delete the sex tape? This sounds like some Craigslist casual encounter gone bad. Either way it makes for funny news and a plot line for Law and Order.

You - Out of the Gene Pool

Weddings and Waffle House - separately, these are two sublimely wonderful things. One is a foundation upon which this country is built, and the other is place to get loaded at an open bar and laugh at your friend(s) for taking the plunge into the absolute joy that is marriage, or something.

It would be all too easy to assume that combining two awesome things would only make for more awesomeness. But not in this case. No - weddings and Waffle House most certainly do not make for a good combination.

Unfortunately for mankind, this truth is not yet universal. And two hapless souls fell victim to the theory that a wedding at Waffle House would be a good idea. George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian thought it would be a grand idea to have a wedding at their place of employment (I'm not making that up).

They called their friends and family, cranked up the Hank Jr., put on their Sunday best, and sure as you can get your hash browns scattered, smothered and covered, they entered into holy matrimony in the Waffle House parking lot.

If ever there was a case for the government controlling who can reproduce and who cannot, this is one. Alas, Bubba and Pamela have already combined their top-notch genomes and produced two offspring - two little blonde girls. According to friends close to the newlyweds, the two daughters are having trouble deciding between following their parents' footsteps and working for Waffle House or being strippers.

Ahh, the American dream.

Dennis Kucinich Is An Oxygen Thief

While combing various news sources as part of my daily routine, I came across this little gem of an opinion piece. Marie Cocco, according to a hasty Google search, works for The Washington Post. Apparently, she thinks Dennis Kucinich is a stand-up guy, and not an insane recovering Oompa-Loompa (do you know how many surgeries it takes to get rid of that orange skin?). For those of you not familiar with the Ohio Congressman, he runs for President each election cycle and prides himself on coming up with the absolute most liberal positions in the country. Oh yeah, and he believes aliens have visited Earth as well. But I digress.

Marie thinks Dennis' 35 articles of impeachment for Bush was a complete and compelling litany of Bush's transgressions. Based solely on her selected quotes, I can tell you the articles are based entirely on liberal / Democrat talking points and conspiracy theories. But hey - whatever works. What's interesting, however, is how Rep. Kucinich went about presenting his Articles of Impeachment. Dennis spent 5+ hours on the floor of the House outlining his charges. 5 HOURS! And he didn't accomplish jack squat. Nada. The Articles of Impeachment were given a pass.

Because I'm such a huge fan of government, I decided to do a little math and figure out exactly how much taxpayer money the Dennis Kucinich wasted on this little stunt. According to Washminster, the budget for running the House of Representatives for fiscal year 2008 is $1.2 billion (this includes salaries for representatives, office personnel, and the various other costs associated with running the country, or something). Congress works roughly 150 days a year, and we'll say they work 10-hour days. Personally, I think that's generous, but for the sake of argument, I'll go along with it.

If you do the math, it costs $794,701.99 per hour to run the House of Representatives. Multiply that times 5, and you get $3,973,509.95

Good job, Dennis. You blew nearly $4 million on absolutely nothing. It takes some real talent to burn through that much money and have nothing to show for it.

* - And yes, that is a cetrified anti-alien mind reading aluminum foil hat Dennis is sporting.

How Many States?

After 4 fun-filled days in The Windy City, I have returned. Since the majority of the D&F readership was with me in Chicago, I'm guessing not too many people were inconvenienced by my absence. But for the 5 of you out there that were not at the wedding festivities, I hope your withdrawal symptoms weren't too bad.

Before proceeding with the post, I have decided that I am going to steer away from blatant political commentary. There's an endless stream of websites and blogs that will gladly try to convince you of the proper cause, and I would much rather spend my time making fun of stupid people and the stupid things they do. Coincidently, government (and therefore politics) seems to be filled with stupid people so more often that not, I will feature an elected person and / or government official that has done or is doing something stupid.

Please note: I am not making a judgment or attempting to sway your political beliefs; rather, in the case of government stupidity, I am simply pointing out that the people we trust to run the government aren't much more intelligent than the people we see on Jerry Springer. If the stupid person in question is not a government official, well, I'm just showing you how stupid he / she is.

Without further ado - here's a clip of Obama speaking in Oregon. Listen for the geography lesson:


You can't watch that and not think of the Friends episode with Chandler's Stupid State game. Unfortunately, Joey is no longer the champion seeing that Obama came up with one more state than Joey:

Obama graduated from Harvard, FYI.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say

Two Chinese women have sued CNN for $1.3 billion because Jack Cafferty said that the Chinese government was a "bunch of goons and thugs." The plaintiffs had their feelings hurt (along with every other Chinese person), and they say CNN did it on purpose. Those bastards. Interestingly enough, $1.3 billion is about enough money to give each Chinese person $1. It doesn't sound like much, but if they shop at Wal-Mart, they can get 4 Ramen noodle packages for that $1. JACKPOT!

Never mind the whole oppressive, Communist government thing; or the Tienanmen Square thing; or the Tibet thing; or partial-birth abortions if it's a girl thing; or the lead paint on toys thing; or the poison pet food thing. Or how about the fact that here in America, everyone has the right to say whatever the freak they want to. Nope, the Chinese government is a stand-up organization, so these two women are completely justified in this lawsuit.

Which Amendment says that I have a right not to have my feelings hurt? There isn't one? Well, certainly there must be a federal law then. Oh, there isn't one of those either? Weird. Then what the hell is going on here?

If this thing doesn't get thrown out, and CNN somehow gives these women money, then I got a whole list of people that I'm suing for hurting my feelings. Hang on - I completely forgot that I am a white, middle class male. I don't get to sue anyone for anything...ever.

Somebody Call Bobby Bouche

I'm not a chemistry expert. In fact, I didn't do so hot in college chemistry because the 8am classes routinely interfered with my social agenda - not that I had dates at 8 in the morning, rather I would be recovering from the previous nights exploits. And there was lots of homework.

So I may not be able to balance a chemical reaction or tell you the difference between nitrate and nitrite, but I do have some basic knowledge. For example, water is made up of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen. I think that is the one chemical formula that almost everyone knows. Anyway, water, in pure form, is colorless, tasteless, and odorless. The only way to get pure water is to distill it (boil it for an extended period of time). The water that we normally get from faucets has various minerals in it, but, for the most part, is still colorless, and relatively odorless and tasteless (depending on where you live in the world).

Enough of the chemistry lesson - Gatorade, apparently, doesn't have the same chemical definition of water as the rest of the world. I know this because there's a commercial for "Propel Fitness Water" that compares it to other "waters," and by "waters" I mean flavored sugar water with various other additives (otherwise known as "juice"). In this commercial, Gatorade tries to make the point that this other "fitness water" has over 100 calories per serving while Propel has only 10-20, depending on the flavor.

It's a fair enough argument - why drink things with more calories while working out? It's counter-productive. So using that logic, you would want to find a source of hydration with the least amount of calories. If only water had no calories and hydrated you at the same time. What? It does? Holy crap.

If I had millions of dollars and nothing better to do, I would make a commercial and have it aired right after the Propel commercials. Then I would hire people to go to stores and make fun of the people that buy "fitness water."

On second thought, I think Gatorade may be onto something here. If the only qualification to call something "water" is that water is an ingredient, it could lead to tons of loopholes in our legal and moral systems. For example, instead of calling alcoholic drinks "beer," "wine," or "whiskey," you can start advertising them as "happy water" or "make your sorrows go away water" or "make fat,ugly chicks attractive water." The possibilities are endless. Thanks, Gatorade.

City Council Meetings: Prime Targets for Idiots

Over the course of W's administration, there have been several instances of town and / or city governments doing stupid things like passing resolutions to impeach Bush and Cheney, indicting them on war crimes, trying to kick the Marine recruiting station out of town, and other things that qualify as an exceptional waste of taxpayer money.

Most recently, Boulder, CO is the latest town to jump on the "resolution calling for impeachment" bandwagon. Of course, this isn't the first time Boulder has let the rest of the world know how they feel about W's foreign policy and the war. They passed a resolution condemning the initial invasion in 2003, and then in 2006, they passed a resolution calling for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

If you read the article, you'll find that the city council members actually think this is a good idea. Wouldn't it be a better use of time to try and reduce the number of rapes in Boulder, CO each year? After all, Boulder, CO was above the national average for rapes per capita.

Anyway, instead of sitting here and pointing out just how stupid this idea is, I'll just post a link to a classic Onion article. I've never been to a town hall meeting, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you let people talk about anything they want to in a public forum, kind of like Boulder, CO.

Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public

NEW BEDFORD, MA—"I fought in Korea, and by God I would do it again," said 76-year-old Ronald Schroyer, who immediately retook his seat.

Unlikely, But Ironic Future News

If you don't understand this post, read this article.

In what can be only described as the most shocking and surprising attack on American soil since the horrors of 9-11, a gang of rebel Mongolian pirates raided the California town of Berkley. The purpose of the raid is unknown, but the pirates wasted no time in burning the town to the ground and then raping and pillaging the local population.

Normally, the Marines would be deployed from Camp Pendleton, located outside Sand Diego. However, due to the efforts of Code Pink in the early months of 2008, the Marines are forbidden by federal law to enter Northern California.

Berkley's mayor made the following statement, shortly before being dragged through the streets tied to the back of a Mongolian vehicle:

"As a freedom-loving and peaceful community, Berkley respects the right of these Mongolian raiders to express themselves in whatever form they feel like - be it burning our town, destroying the college, or raping our women. I would also like to add that under no circumstances should the United States Armed Forces attempt to violate the rights of this Mongolian horde. The citizens of Berkley believe the American armed forces to be the embodiment of evil, and they have never done anything good for America, or any other country on this planet, for that matter."

The mayor was unavailable for comment following the raid.

Helpful Hints for The Jihadists

You would think that 7 and half years after 19 insane Muslims turned ordinary airplanes into ballistic missiles, security at airports would be at least somewhat better. I'm not talking El Al level scrutiny, but at least some common sense when it comes to checking people through the security gate.

According to Foxnews.com, the Mayor of Charleston, WV was in a bind. He had a plane to catch, but had lost his valid West Virginia driver's license, and the expired one in his wallet would not pass muster with the screener. Minor side note: most states, when you go to get your new driver's license, take the old one. So logic would dictate that Mr. Mayor was driving around with an expired driver's license.

Anyway, the Mayor then pulls out a copy of Charleston Magazine which contains a photograph of said mayor and an article welcoming visitors to Charleston. If you ask me, that's waste of magazine space. I checked the Internet, and a total of 6 people visited Charleston, WV last year, and only 2 of those people could read words with more than 1 syllable.

Here's the good part - the magazine picture and article were accepted as valid ID. That's right - the expired ID issued by the state was no good. But a magazine article from an unknown source was an acceptable substitute. So, aspiring terrorists - if you're having trouble getting some acceptable forms of identification to assist you in striking deep into the belly of the infidel, just use Photoshop or one of those booths at Six Flags, and create a magazine cover with your picture and some useless article about whatever city you're in.

Friggin unbelievable.

The BCS Gives Us A Good Game

If I bet against whatever team Mark May and Lou Holtz predict to win, I wouldn't have to be at work at 6 in the morning ever again. This dynamic duo made arguments for why Oklahoma should be in the championship over LSU, and picked Hawaii to beat Georgia. Good call, guys. I won't even get started on Kirk and Lee. To be fair, Chris Fowler and Desmond Howard do a pretty good job and don't completely infuriate me.

Anyway, the VT-KU match up last night was a decent game. Both teams had good offense and, shockingly, a respectable defense. It was a pleasant surprise to watch a good BCS game - I guess this was the exception that proves the rule.

So if we're going to be stuck with this bat-sh#% loonball BCS system, I propose some sort of congressional intervention to fix whatever computer program is determining which teams play for the National Championship. If the President of the United States thinks steroids in baseball is worthy of airtime during the State of the Union, and Congress spends millions of dollars on a hearing to let major league players lie under oath, then surely we can get the computer wizzes at the NSA, CIA, or wherever to make a better program.

"Well, if you're so smart, Bobby, which teams do you think should be in the Championship?" you ask. Good question. First off, the idea that if a team is undefeated, it's automatically better than every 1-loss team needs to disappear. Or at least be modified to something like - undefeated, but plays in a ridiculously easy conference. This year's example - Hawaii. While the Warriors didn't get into the top 5 with their perfect regular season record, they did manage to get a BCS at-large bid. And Georgia proceeded to demonstrate with extreme prejudice what a defense can do to Colt's passing game.

Now that we have that minor detail cleared up - Georgia should be in the National Championship. They have the most balanced offense and, being in the SEC, a very strong defense. More often than not, the BCS seems to get 'wow-ed' at high-scoring offenses and forget about the fact that the same team has absolutely no defense (read Brian Brohm and Louisville). One can make an argument for LSU taking Georgia's place, but many of their victories this year were won due to shear luck and not necessarily superior performance. In the final moments of the Auburn-LSU game, Les Miles, in his infinite wisdom, decided to go for the touchdown over a gimme field goal, which would have given LSU the W just as effectively. Matt Flynn scrambled and came about 6" from an incomplete pass. Les perpetuated the myth that he's an aggressive but intelligent coach, and LSU all but waltzed into the National Championship game.

As for the other team that should be in the Championship - take your pick: OSU, WVU, USC, maybe even Kansas after last night's performance. Teams that should definitely not be considered: Oklahoma and Virginia Tech. Any of the approved teams have a decent offense, but they all play weak schedules.

So there you have it. I'm still going to pull for LSU because I'm an SEC kind of guy, and I can't stand Ohio State. Not because of Jim Tressel or any particular player, but the insipid players and fans that insist on saying, "THE Ohio State University." What is that? Is there more than one Ohio State University? COME ON!!

Have a good weekend.

D&F Guest Political Commentator

Well, since William decided to throw his two cents in, I went out and found Duane Bickels (pictured right). Here's what Dauane has to say about this upcoming election:

Well, damn, man, it's pretty soon gonna be president election time again, and that means we gotta start thinkin' about who's gonna be the one we want to be president. That's some important stuff, who's president, because whoever's president will be in charge of the whole dang shootin' match. And, if y'all are like me, you know America's president needs to be the kind of old boy who, in the first place, kicks him some damn ass, and in the second place, don't listen to all that bitchin' about how he shouldn't be kickin' so much ass. And, if you ain't like me, guess what? My vote cancels out y'all's!

For the rest of Duane's editorial, click here.

Just remember: there are way more stupid people in the world than smart people.

One Dumb Owner

This story is making the rounds on the many news channels and Internet news sites. I found it via the drudgereport.com. As my previous post mentions, who doesn't love dogs? However, I guess there are extremes to everything. This couple loved their dog a little too much.

-Sean