Seriously - This Is a Sign of The Apocalypse

No, the notion that Paris Hilton is running for President is not a sign of the Apocalypse. The fact that her plan to fix the energy crisis is more comprehensive and easier to understand than anything Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Howard Dean, or most other Democrats have said is a sign of the Apocalypse.

At the same time - this video was meant as a response to the McCain ad attacking Obama for being a celebrity, and I guess to a certain extent it does an effective job of lampooning the McCain spot. However, it also demonstrates that with proper handling and a good speech writer, ANYONE can look good in front of a teleprompter.

This is the smartest thing to come out of Paris' mouth since....well, insert your own lewd joke here. I'm trying to keep this blog on a PG-13 level.

Need a Cure for that Jungle Fever?

Well, my friend, look no further than AfroRomance. That's right - the Internet dating scene has become so saturated with eHarmony / match.com clones, that a niche market has emerged for people looking for "interracial dating only" (it says that on the homepage).

Not wanting to exclude any other varieties of "fever", AfroRomance allows the discriminating interracial dater to specify which type of fever currently afflicts him or her. Like any other dating site, one must enter his or her sexual preference and age range, but then you get to the fun part.

Here are the choices:

Black / White - Jungle Fever

Asian - Yellow Fever

Latino - Ummm....what do you call this? Urban Dictionary was of no help, so I welcome comments from the D&F Faithful.

The jury is still out on whether or not this is a sign of the Apocalypse. Regardless, meeting your significant other through this site would make for a great "how mommy met daddy" story.

You - Out of the Gene Pool

Weddings and Waffle House - separately, these are two sublimely wonderful things. One is a foundation upon which this country is built, and the other is place to get loaded at an open bar and laugh at your friend(s) for taking the plunge into the absolute joy that is marriage, or something.

It would be all too easy to assume that combining two awesome things would only make for more awesomeness. But not in this case. No - weddings and Waffle House most certainly do not make for a good combination.

Unfortunately for mankind, this truth is not yet universal. And two hapless souls fell victim to the theory that a wedding at Waffle House would be a good idea. George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian thought it would be a grand idea to have a wedding at their place of employment (I'm not making that up).

They called their friends and family, cranked up the Hank Jr., put on their Sunday best, and sure as you can get your hash browns scattered, smothered and covered, they entered into holy matrimony in the Waffle House parking lot.

If ever there was a case for the government controlling who can reproduce and who cannot, this is one. Alas, Bubba and Pamela have already combined their top-notch genomes and produced two offspring - two little blonde girls. According to friends close to the newlyweds, the two daughters are having trouble deciding between following their parents' footsteps and working for Waffle House or being strippers.

Ahh, the American dream.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say

Two Chinese women have sued CNN for $1.3 billion because Jack Cafferty said that the Chinese government was a "bunch of goons and thugs." The plaintiffs had their feelings hurt (along with every other Chinese person), and they say CNN did it on purpose. Those bastards. Interestingly enough, $1.3 billion is about enough money to give each Chinese person $1. It doesn't sound like much, but if they shop at Wal-Mart, they can get 4 Ramen noodle packages for that $1. JACKPOT!

Never mind the whole oppressive, Communist government thing; or the Tienanmen Square thing; or the Tibet thing; or partial-birth abortions if it's a girl thing; or the lead paint on toys thing; or the poison pet food thing. Or how about the fact that here in America, everyone has the right to say whatever the freak they want to. Nope, the Chinese government is a stand-up organization, so these two women are completely justified in this lawsuit.

Which Amendment says that I have a right not to have my feelings hurt? There isn't one? Well, certainly there must be a federal law then. Oh, there isn't one of those either? Weird. Then what the hell is going on here?

If this thing doesn't get thrown out, and CNN somehow gives these women money, then I got a whole list of people that I'm suing for hurting my feelings. Hang on - I completely forgot that I am a white, middle class male. I don't get to sue anyone for anything...ever.

Lindsey Lohan: Feel Sorry for Hollywood Stars

So the big news yesterday - Lindsey Lohan posed nude for New York magazine. You would think that Castro stepping down as Cuba's President would be more important, but I'm pretty sure the story and pictures of Lohan garnered more web hits.

For those of you who didn't read the story or look at the pictures (I did, but for journalistic purposes....), Lindsey re-created Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot with the same photographer. How lucky is that dude? He's 79-years old. I'm surprised this little photo shoot didn't result in a Blue-like collapse (Old School KY wrestling scene). And how creepy would it be to naked in a room with a very old guy with a camera? I think I need a new career.

Anyway, along with the nudie pictures, there's an essay in which we get an insight into the black hole that is Lohan's head. Apparently, Lindsey is "very interested" in Monroe. She goes onto to say that Marilyn's death to drug overdose and the more recent OD of Heath Ledger are "prime examples of what this [movie] industry can do to someone."

First off - I'm not making fun of Heath Ledger or Marilyn Monroe, or anyone who dies from an OD for that matter. What I am taking aim at is Lohan's idiot idea that somehow it is the movie industry that is doing this to people. No one forced Lohan, Marilyn Monroe, or Heath Ledger to go to Hollywood, and no one made them take an un-godly amount of prescription drugs. They did it to themselves.

But Lohan would have us think that her recent DUI and coke troubles are the result of the industry, not her complete lack of self-control. I'm sure it's someone else's fault she forgot to wear underwear a couple years ago as well.

Sorry to sound so harsh about this, but listening to Hollywood stars complain about being famous or the things that go along with being famous is one of my (many) pet peeves. They get paid a ridiculous amount of money to play make-believe, and then get all upset when everything doesn't go exactly how they want it to. Oh well.

Lindsey does say in the article that she is definitely not going to make the same mistakes that Marilyn Monroe and Heath Ledger did. She's going to be very responsible with her prescription drug abuses.* Good job, Lindsey - way to learn from other people's mistakes.

* Ok, I made up the part about her being responsible with her prescription drug abuses. For the record - Lindsey Lohan never said that she would be responsible when it came to abusing prescription drugs.

Today's Sign of the Apocalypse

From Rocky Mountain News:

VAIL — A 60-year-old man is taking an 8-year-old boy and his dad to court, claiming the third-grader caused a ski-slope collision that left the older man with a shoulder injury.

What's up with this guy? According to the article, this dude is seeking $75,000 in lost vacation time, physical therapy, and other medical and nursing bills. Does he really think the 8-year old has 75 large just sitting around? And the lawyer that's representing the 60-year old - I want to know how many lawyers he talked to that just laughed at him. Is John Edwards representing this guy in his spare time?

The victim works for Reader's Digest and is anxious to get back to work. Um, what exactly is preventing him from working at Reader's Digest? He hurt his shoulder, not his eyes. Sound like someone is a prime candidate for some insurance fraud charges.

In the bigger picture - skiing isn't some risk-free venture. Every time I go skiing, I fully expect to end up with a broken leg, scratched up face (sorry, Sean), or some other injury that would be consistent with going down a snow covered hill with 5 foot sticks strapped to your feet. It's not supposed to be safe. The mentality that everyone else is responsible for your mistakes and / or accidents has got to stop.

Oh well - it's Friday, and the last day of work for me before Christmas. The brain isn't working too well right now, so I apologize for the lack of interesting posts. I'll keep looking and perhaps I will get inspired.