Universal Truth Time

There's a very limited number of things that will transcend cultures and time - things that anyone anywhere can relate to regardless of their background. Humor is on that short list. But not just any humor. I'm talking about the basic humor that even an infant understands - dick and fart jokes. I can't even think of what else would be on the list - taxes? death?. Yeah - we'll say death, taxes, and dick and fart jokes are the three universal truths of mankind.

In yet another useless study, the University of Wolverhampton (located in England) has compiled a top 10 list of the world's oldest jokes. The winner? Well, the oldest joke on record - not necessarily the funniest - comes from ancient Sumeria (known today as Southern Iraq). And it goes like this: Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. That's right - the oldest recorded joke in the world is about wives not farting in front of their husbands.

Other humor gems from centuries ago include:

From Egypt - "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

And England - "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

Of course, the academics at the University of Wolverhampton effectively suck the funny out of these jokes by proceeding to explain why they are funny. Friggin' nerds.

Dennis Kucinich Is An Oxygen Thief

While combing various news sources as part of my daily routine, I came across this little gem of an opinion piece. Marie Cocco, according to a hasty Google search, works for The Washington Post. Apparently, she thinks Dennis Kucinich is a stand-up guy, and not an insane recovering Oompa-Loompa (do you know how many surgeries it takes to get rid of that orange skin?). For those of you not familiar with the Ohio Congressman, he runs for President each election cycle and prides himself on coming up with the absolute most liberal positions in the country. Oh yeah, and he believes aliens have visited Earth as well. But I digress.

Marie thinks Dennis' 35 articles of impeachment for Bush was a complete and compelling litany of Bush's transgressions. Based solely on her selected quotes, I can tell you the articles are based entirely on liberal / Democrat talking points and conspiracy theories. But hey - whatever works. What's interesting, however, is how Rep. Kucinich went about presenting his Articles of Impeachment. Dennis spent 5+ hours on the floor of the House outlining his charges. 5 HOURS! And he didn't accomplish jack squat. Nada. The Articles of Impeachment were given a pass.

Because I'm such a huge fan of government, I decided to do a little math and figure out exactly how much taxpayer money the Dennis Kucinich wasted on this little stunt. According to Washminster, the budget for running the House of Representatives for fiscal year 2008 is $1.2 billion (this includes salaries for representatives, office personnel, and the various other costs associated with running the country, or something). Congress works roughly 150 days a year, and we'll say they work 10-hour days. Personally, I think that's generous, but for the sake of argument, I'll go along with it.

If you do the math, it costs $794,701.99 per hour to run the House of Representatives. Multiply that times 5, and you get $3,973,509.95

Good job, Dennis. You blew nearly $4 million on absolutely nothing. It takes some real talent to burn through that much money and have nothing to show for it.

* - And yes, that is a cetrified anti-alien mind reading aluminum foil hat Dennis is sporting.

Do You Have Money to Waste?

Often I find myself sitting at home trying to spend money on something completely useless. Katie got wise and has somehow managed to get Time Warner Cable to block all the infomercials on our TV's. But I still have the internet, and lots of credit cards (Thanks, Capital One!). Despite this, I keep on running out things to waste money on. But today, I found a new way to completely waste my money.

Without further ado - veterinarians are starting to prescribe anti-depressants to pets because said pets are becoming suicidal. Wait. It gets better. They're suicidal because they don't have anyone to talk to about their many, many problems. And of course, the drug companies are completely backing this up because Pfizer and the lot are very concerned about the welfare of pets, or they really like making money and know that people will pay an obscene amount of money to make sure little Whiskers doesn't try to off herself. I'll let you decide which one is more likely.

From a personal stand point, I once thought Cinder (my dog) was bipolar. She would sit around all day, sleep, not express any emotion. And then, out of nowhere, she'd be bouncing off the walls and barking, playing, having a good time. Initially, I was worried, and when I typed those symptoms into WebMD, bipolar was the first result. Fortunately, I remembered that I was not in a Disney cartoon, and pets are not, in fact, humans in a cute, cuddly form. But I had already ordered a year's supply of Prozac from some company in Canada, so if you need some of that - let me know.

If you actually listen to the mood-stabilizer commercials, you'll hear that most of them have been known to cause depression and suicide in children, teens, and young adults. So unless you're over 30, these drugs are just going to amplify whatever problems you already have. Clearly, science hasn't figured out how to make people feel "normal" all the time. Thus, I find it somewhat disconcerting that we're taking these mood-altering drugs and giving them to household pets. I'm waiting for a dog on Zoloft to flip out and start attacking everything in sight.

Anyway, if you may think your pet is depressed, take them to the vet and get some groovy drugs. Or try giving them a treat and / or toy. It's your money.

Pointless Study of The Week Time

In another apparent attempt to tell us what we already know, The University of Pittsburgh spent money to study if music lyrics contained references to drug, alcohol and tobacco. The results are very not shocking…music lyrics of today’s most popular music do in fact reference drugs, alcohol and tobacco (DAT). In fact, according to the study (or as I like to call it a waste of time), two thirds of the references put the DAT in a positive light. Kids these days, it turns out, hear over 30,000 references a year to drugs, alcohol and tobacco. Rap and Country have a higher percentage than other genres of music…another big shocker there. In order to qualify as rap the “song” has to talk about getting drunk (or high) and beating your woman…for country to qualify as a song it has to talk about getting drunk and loving your dog more than your woman. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. William 1…Rap and Country 0.

Seeing how I am a big fan of list, I figured I would jot down a few things that I feel would have been a better use of the money that was spent to “study” this cultural phenomenon (lets assume the “study” cost $100,000…that is the going rate for pointless University studies).

--$100,000 worth of lottery tickets (guaranteed to change value)

--Pay Paris Hilton $100,000 to show up at your party

--Rent out the entire Curb Event Center for a Belmont University Women’s Basketball game (but then you are left with $99,997.53, so what to do with the change?)

--Buy 25,062 Ci-Ci Pizza Buffets.

--Cash out the check for $100,000 and burn the cash.

I hear that The University of Pittsburgh now has the approval to go forward with their next ground breaking study…Christian Music and how many times Christ is referenced in it.