People You Don't Mess With

Welcome back. I trust everyone had a good Fourth of July. We'll start the week off with a D&F Public Service Announcement.

There's just some things you don't do. No matter how funny or entertaining they might be, in the interest of self preservation, you don't do them. Here's a brief (but not inclusive list):

- Wrestle a baby bear - the mom is nearby, and while the little cub may seem fun and a pretty easy match up, the pissed off mama bear is going to rip your face off and most likely use it as TP - like the Charmin bears, except less cute and a hell of alot more painful.

- Agree to do any show on MTV - there's only two options if you're on MTV. One, you're chemically imbalanced and have been selected because the slightest insult will trigger a psychotic rampage which will ultimately end with you in anger management and / or rehab; two, you'll become the target of the aforementioned psychotic episode and, as a result of the attack, develop your own chemical imbalance (and dependency) and then flip out. It's a vicious cycle.

- Not running after hearing the words, "Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. What are you doing here?"

Well, we can add another one to the list: messing with the Israeli intelligence service as part of your new movie. Sacha Baren Cohen's (you may know him as Borat) latest movie is pretty much the same thing as Borat, except now he is a gay German designer named Bruno. The hijinks will ensure.

Anyway, "Bruno" secures an interview with a former Mossad official. You know - the people who hunted down and promptly killed anyone that had anything to do with the 1972 murder of Israeli Olympians (go rent Munich for more detail). Also, the entire Israeli military is bad ass. They've won every war they've ever been in, which includes multiple victories over the same countries (just ask Egypt).

So, in addition to the things mentioned above, D&F recommends that you NOT insult or use someone who has access to highly trained professional assassins during the course of your new movie. While it may seem like a good idea and will probably make people laugh, it's just not worth having your ass beat by a pissed off Jewish secret agent.

This guy just watched "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Fortunately, he thought it was pretty good, so Judd Apatow is only getting a warning shot.