Quote of the Week

In a startling display of common sense often not found in public officials, the LAPD Chief of Police William Bratton refused to participate in LA city council meetings held to determine if more laws were needed to control the paparazzi. He maintains that there are more than enough city ordinances to control the various situations.

But more importantly, he made this spot on assessment of the paparazzi's bread and butter:

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank god; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."

That guy should run for governor of California.

WTF? Olympic Edition

From The Guardian:

"For more than a year, officials in Beijing have been designing a special laboratory to determine the sex of any athletes taking part in this year's Olympic games. "Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie."

Apparently, there's a long history of Pat-type athletes competing in the Olympic Games. I remember a couple movies making fun of the East German team - even as recently as Dodgeball, we see a "woman" with a uni-brow and noticibly male features such as facial hair. Never did I think that it was a reoccuring problem.

And what kind of "special laboratory" do you need to determine if a dude is tucking? It's not rocket surgery, people.

Buzz o' the Week

And it's time for Buzz o' the Week. I hope everyone enjoyed the most excellent Mojito recipe from last week. If you missed the post, click here to check it out. This week, I bring you the Champagne of Beers: Miller High Life.

For those of you who know me well, you might be surprised to read that I would recommend such a beer, but hear me out. And I promise in future installments of Buzz o' the Week to review and recommend some awesome craft brews.

In keeping with the summer drink menu, Miller High Life is, in my humble opinion, a great summer beer to enjoy after a hard day of yard work or any other strenuous outdoor activity. The High Life has more flavor than it's light beer competition. It's on the cheaper end of all beer - a definite plus considering the economy and gas prices, and let's be honest - with a name like The Champagne of Beers, how can you go wrong?

So, this Saturday (or Sunday) after mowing the lawn, weeding the flower bed, and whatever else is on your honey-do list, crack open the High Life and relax. You'll thank me for it.

Need a Cure for that Jungle Fever?

Well, my friend, look no further than AfroRomance. That's right - the Internet dating scene has become so saturated with eHarmony / match.com clones, that a niche market has emerged for people looking for "interracial dating only" (it says that on the homepage).

Not wanting to exclude any other varieties of "fever", AfroRomance allows the discriminating interracial dater to specify which type of fever currently afflicts him or her. Like any other dating site, one must enter his or her sexual preference and age range, but then you get to the fun part.

Here are the choices:

Black / White - Jungle Fever

Asian - Yellow Fever

Latino - Ummm....what do you call this? Urban Dictionary was of no help, so I welcome comments from the D&F Faithful.

The jury is still out on whether or not this is a sign of the Apocalypse. Regardless, meeting your significant other through this site would make for a great "how mommy met daddy" story.

Further Proof of Human Stupidity

I could simply write "reality television" and be done with this post, but we have standards here at D&F. For the most part, The Discovery Chanel and other documentary-heavy stations have decent reality programming, but like everything else in this world, there's an exception to prove every rule.

"It Takes a Thief" has two supposed ex-burglars break into people's home, steal their things, and ransack the place in an effort to show people how vulnerable they are to such an attack. My brother Andrew loves this show and is watching it pretty much every afternoon when I get home. Here's a universal synopsis for every episode of "It Takes a Thief" ever made: ex-thief breaks into home; homeowners come home and are somehow surprised that they have been robbed; "victims" watch tape of their home being robbed; "victims" get upset; "victims" get mad a thief; Discovery Chanel puts everything back in its place, cleans the house, and springs for a $1,000+ security system. Roll credits.

Here's my problem with it: the "victims" know they are going to get robbed. They give permission to have surveillance cameras put all over their house. They give pre-theft interviews. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers of the show give them a time frame for when the robbery will take place.

Yet, despite knowing all of this, these idiots still get visibly upset when they arrive back home and "discover" the robbery. The wives often cry and say something along the lines of being violated. The husbands make various threats of kicking someone's ass. The phrase, "I can't believe this is happening" is repeated ad nauseam. And the coup de grace - when the "victims" confront the "thief" they are mad and make feeble attempts to express this anger.

I've come to the sad conclusion that I am entirely too intelligent and well-balanced to be on any sort of reality TV or even Deal or No Deal.

All of Hollywood Not Insane

It's a difficult task finding a successful actor in Hollywood who isn't in bed with far left politics. In fact, the guest list for the upcoming DNC convention in Denver might as well be a copy of the one for a post Oscar party: Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Warren Beatty and wife Annette Bening, Forrest Whitaker, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The stars that lean to the right are typically relegated to "B" list status - Steven Baldwin, Chuck Norris....I'm sure there's more out there; I just can't remember right now, which proves my point that the entertainment industry is dominated by nut-job liberals.

Every now and then, a celebrity comes along and surprises me with some common sense. A few years ago, Pat Sajak commented that if there was one group of people universally unqualified to give advice on politics and national policy, it's celebrities.

Today, John Voight gets a D&F "Atta-boy" for his Op-Ed in the Washington Times. Now, Johnny can add "not insane" to his resume, which will look good next to the part about being able to father weird-looking yet strangely-hot chicks.

Smarter: Congress or Dying Sea Monkeys?

On December 19, 2007, Congress passed and the President signed a bill that outlaws the use of incandescent light bulbs by 2014. Since the government can't do anything all at one time, it's a phased withdrawal. 100-watt light bulbs are illegal starting in 2010 with the 40-watt going the way of the dodo in 2014.

While Congress hasn't told us how to wipe our arses yet, they are telling us how to light our homes. The instructions and limitations on Charmin use are only so far off, boys and girls.

But that's not the point here. Al Gore and the rest of the global warming nazis have all but mandated that compact fluorescent light bulbs are to replace the evil incandescent light bulbs. The problem? Well, it puts off a fraction of light compared to the old style, and oh yeah - you have to mobilize the entire EPA if you break one.

Ok, it's not that bad, but it's not good either. Here's what the EPA says you should do if you break a CFL:

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes. If you have fans, place the fans in the windows and blow the air out of the room. Note: If the room has no windows, open all doors to the room and windows outside the room and use fans to move the air out of the room and to the open windows.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.
- Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).
- Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.
- Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.
- Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

3.Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it, and then place in a second sealed plastic bag.
-If no other disposal or recycling options are available, private residents may dispose of the CFL in residential garbage. Be sure to seal the CFL in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash.
-Wash your hands after disposing of the bags.

4. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

Only the federal government could take something as simple as "clean up broken glass" and turn it into a 4-step, day long process. And what's up with double-bagging the broken pieces? I'm not an expert, but I'm willing to bet using two plastic bags, which are not good for the environment, starts to eat into the efficiency benefits of using the stupid CFL's.

Let's not forget that plastic is a petroleum based product. Higher oil prices translate into higher prices for plastic products (not to mention the gas you have to use to drive your double-bagged mercury bomb to the dump), and if you listen to Al Gore, Harry Reid, and the other global warming Super Friends, oil is a poison.

So let's bring this one home. Congress, in order to save money and improve the overall efficiency of the country, outlawed the incandescent light bulb. The replacement costs more money (3 times as much in some cases), doesn't provide nearly as much light (which means you use more lightbulbs to accomplish the same thing); if you break a bulb, you have to use 2 not-good-for-the-environment plastic bags, drive it to a landfill, and then go buy more "efficient" CFL's.

Thanks, government. Where would we be without you?

Cuil = Worst Search Engine Ever

In what can only be described as some of the most boring yet higly profitble news, there's a new search engine out there. For the not at all fascinating story of how a software engineer somehow raised over $30 million in venture capital (I guess the dot com bubble isn't quite over), click here.

Here's the lowdown - Anna Patterson used to work for Google and AltaVista before that. She is apparently a genius at writing search engine software, and claims that her new search engine, Cuil, scours 8 times more websites than Google.

Being somewhat confused at the notion that Google does not search the entire Internet, I decided to do a little test. I typed the exact same thing into both search engines - dink and flika. Google returned your favorite blog at the top of the list. Cuil said that there is nothing on the entire world wide web with those words.

Cuil sucks.

Top Baby Names 2008

Since my wife and I are officially the last couple to not have kids in our immediate circle of family and friends, we have been party to more than one baby naming ritual and even joined in on the fun ourselves. I've come to the conclusion that parents want to try and have a unique and meaningful name for their kid, which is understandable, but like so many other things in this world, good intentions often result in absolutely ridiculous and quite humorous results.

Most of you have heard of Knowshawn Moreno - he's the star running back for UGA. During last year's bowl season, the commentators saw fit to explain the origins of his name. Apparently, Shawn is a family name, and the mother wanted her son to be smart, so she simply put part of the word "knowledge" in there. Using this logic, I am initiating proceedings to change my name to "Big Johnson Money Bags" because I want to be rich and....you get the idea. I'll let you know how it turns out.

New Zealand appears to have a similar phenomenon. In fact, it's so bad that family court judges have stepped in and began undoing some rather interesting names. A judge made a 9-year old girl a ward of the state in order to change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii to something they won't tell us (to protect her identity, but sources tell me her new name is Princess Consuela Banana Hammock).

According to New Zealand law, "...names that would cause offense to a reasonable person..." are not allowed. Here are some of the names that have been rejected: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. However, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence made it through the review process.

I don't know about you, but I kinda like the sound of Yeah Detroit. And since we don't have the Stupid Name Review Bureau here in the States, you can go ahead and plan on there being a Yeah Detroit Sawyer running around in a few years.

You - Out of the Gene Pool

Weddings and Waffle House - separately, these are two sublimely wonderful things. One is a foundation upon which this country is built, and the other is place to get loaded at an open bar and laugh at your friend(s) for taking the plunge into the absolute joy that is marriage, or something.

It would be all too easy to assume that combining two awesome things would only make for more awesomeness. But not in this case. No - weddings and Waffle House most certainly do not make for a good combination.

Unfortunately for mankind, this truth is not yet universal. And two hapless souls fell victim to the theory that a wedding at Waffle House would be a good idea. George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian thought it would be a grand idea to have a wedding at their place of employment (I'm not making that up).

They called their friends and family, cranked up the Hank Jr., put on their Sunday best, and sure as you can get your hash browns scattered, smothered and covered, they entered into holy matrimony in the Waffle House parking lot.

If ever there was a case for the government controlling who can reproduce and who cannot, this is one. Alas, Bubba and Pamela have already combined their top-notch genomes and produced two offspring - two little blonde girls. According to friends close to the newlyweds, the two daughters are having trouble deciding between following their parents' footsteps and working for Waffle House or being strippers.

Ahh, the American dream.

College Football is Almost Here

We are a mere 35 days from the start of the 2008 college football season, and I cannot wait. I love football season - grilling out (different from barbecue for your yankee heathens out there), watching Auburn, making fun of THE Ohio State fans - football season is without a doubt the best time of the year. You also have two of the best holidays in the midst of it - Thanksgiving and Christmas. My logic is unassailable.

To help get everyone else as pumped up, I bring you this fun poll. You can rank how you think the SEC will end this year. I didn't bother finding a similar poll for the Big 10, Big 12, Pac 10, or Big East simply because it doesn't matter how those conferences finish. Some sacrificial lamb will be brought forth on Thursday, January 8, and an SEC team will proceed to demonstrate how college football is played.

If THE Ohio State University manages to weasel their way into the championship again and lose to an SEC team, I am going to seriously start a petition to have the entire Big-10 conference knocked down to D-2, or whatever they're calling it these days.

And because I know you're curious as to how I ranked the SEC, here's my list:

East
1 - Georgia
2 - Florida
3 - South Carolina
4 - Tennessee
5 - Vanderbilt
6 - Kentucky

West
1 - Auburn
2 - LSU
3 - Mississippi State
4 - Ole Miss
5 - Arkansas
6 - Alabama

Actually, Alabama may finish higher, but as part of my degree from Auburn, I'm required to put Alabama last in every poll or the university will revoke my degree.

Buzz o' the Week

I'm proud to introduce a new feature here on D&F - Buzz o' the Week. Each week, I will bring you one adult beverage that I think you should try. And if you have a recommendation or would like for me to design the perfect version of a cocktail for you, let me know.

For the inaugural post (and because it's summer), I'm going to go with the Mojito. First, a little history - the Mojito is Cuban. And that concludes the history lesson.

Just to let you know - this drink recipe and most of the mixed drink recipes I will feature are the result of my wife and I trying the drink at a restaurant, and then either trying to make it better because we didn't like it or replicate the recipe because we did. The Mojito is a case of the former.

Katie despises sugary drinks, so that translates to not using pre-made mixes. It also means there's a trial and error process to get the proportions right, and sometimes that can get ugly (maybe at a later date and time, I will tell everyone about the night Bobby and Katie consumed an entire fifth of rum...by themselves).

Anyway, the ultimate result of not using pre-made mixes is a fresher tasting cocktail that highlights the natural flavors of the ingredients, rather than the Kool-aid type fruit flavor of the mix. It should be noted that the cocktail is to be enjoyed for it's taste and slight social lubrication qualities. In no way does D&F condone excessive drinking....except on St. Patrick's Day.

Enough with the commentary. Let's get down to business. While it's not required, I highly recommend securing a muddler. You can use the handle of a wooden spoon as a substitute, but I'm a stickler for using the right tool for the job.

The Ingredients:
- 3 slices of lime
- 8-10 mint leaves (for more mint taste, use more mint leaves)
- 1 tsp sugar
- 3 shots light Rum (1 shot = 1.5 oz)
- Club soda

The Process:
- Place mint leaves into a pint glass; then the lime, and finally the sugar. It's important to go in this order to reduce random tiny mint pieces in the final product
- Muddle (aka - squish the limes and mix with the sugar)
- Add rum and stir
- Add enough ice so the glass is almost full with ice
- Fill with club soda and stir
- Serve.

If you do it right, you should produce a refreshing drink to sip on the back porch with your significant other. If you're single, you now have a surprisingly potent drink to hopefully turn the hot girl into your significant other. Not that I encourage that sort of thing....

Justice Wins Again

Over the past few weeks, we've seen some landmark court decisions - apparently, the US Constitution applies anywhere and everywhere, regardless of things like "other countries" or silly facts like launching an RPG at American forces; school districts can't implement race-based school assignments for children unless they really, really feel like it (another Justice Kennedy gem); and we can't forget that the 2nd Amendment really does mean an individual has the right to bear arms (if you're interested in that stuff, Scalia's opinion is brilliant, FYI).

But not until today did the US legal system really make a decision that readily impacts the everyday American. I speak, of course, of Janet Jackson's infamous wardrobe malfunction during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

To fill you in, the nipple-hating nerds at the FCC slapped CBS with a cool $550,000 fine. CBS, feeling that this was somewhat extreme, appealed the fine. Today, the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed the fine; thus establishing that nipples are as American as apple pie, and the FCC sucks.

I can't help but remember where I was when Justin ripped off Janet's shirt, and the world witnessed what a surgically-enhanced breast and nipple look like with a crazy sun thing around it. I was sitting in our company HQ in Baghdad at 4 in the morning, watching the Super Bowl halftime show live. Under normal circumstances (not in Iraq), I avoid the half-time show at all costs. But since I was in Iraq and there was literally nothing better to do, I watched it.

To be honest, I didn't realize what happened until 3 seconds after the fact. At which point I was really pissed that the Army did not see fit to issue me a TiVo with my M-16. Not that I have some weird fetish for Janet Jackson, but you've got to understand - after so long in the desert, surrounded by other guys, the slightest resemblance of heterosexual sex is enough to cause a minor riot.

Oh well - mark another "W" for the American people and freedom. Today, I sleep well knowing that shameless publicity stunts for upcoming tours and albums are protected by the Constitution.

Is This Really Necessary?

Instead of spending time and taxpayer money outlawing various unhealthy foods, why can't we outlaw people dressing like this in public:


Thanks for putting that image in my brain, Fox News. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go develop an eating disorder.

Al Gore Talks....A Lot.

I did an environment post a couple days ago, so I won't revisit the topic. I will, however, point you towards an Al Gore piece where he pretty much tells us that we're all going to die unless we start using rat urine to power our homes and cars. You can read it here if you have a spare 3 hours and like the sound of Al Gore's voice in your head.

Or, you can watch this clip of South Park where Al lets us know about the next big threat. Please to enjoy:

More Useless: Dirty Diaper or Career Politicians?

When did politicians approach to any issue become an all or nothing game? I think it's a result of the modern media and their OCD level obsession with reducing every story, issue, and news worthy event into a 30-second sound bite. It's impossible to explain the thousands of years of history, the geopolitical ramifications, and just the logistics of the Iraq War, let alone offer a practical solution in 30-seconds, so why does everyone in Washington insist upon trying?

As a result of this oversimplification, we are left with rigid politicians that steadfastly oppose anything that doesn't fit the 30-second sound bite model. Let's take a look at the current energy crisis as a framework. On one side, you have the Republicans who, for the most part, want to expand domestic exploration and drilling for oil. The 30-second sound bite is usually a Senator or Representative saying something about being held hostage by foreign oil and then repeating the word "drill" until the 30 seconds is up.

On the other side, you have the Democrats who tend to take the position that drilling for oil will not solve anything, and we should spend our time and money looking for and developing alternative fuel sources. The sound bite will include words like "carbon," "greenhouse gasses," "failed policies of the Bush administration," etc.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's call for expanded domestic oil exploration as a "diversionary tactic," while at the same time insisting that he open up the strategic oil reserve. For those of you playing at home, the strategic reserve is probably good for a 3-month supply of oil. When it runs out, not only will the US have to spend significantly more to replace the oil we used, but whatever effect releasing the supply had on the price of crude will immediately vanish. Yeah, that's totally not a diversionary tactic.

As nice as it is to think that the solution to high gas prices is a one-step fix (be it drilling or alternative fuels), the economy is entirely too complex for this problem to be solved overnight. It's going to take SEVERAL avenues of attack that incorporate both drilling for oil here in the States, searching for alternative fuels, and reducing the amount we use petroleum based products.

Despite what both sides are saying, if we were to throw all our effort at alternative sources, the products wouldn't be on the market tomorrow or even in the next few years, so to represent that the hydrogen car is only a couple billion of dollars away is completely misleading. Conversely, drilling for oil isn't going to reduce the price of gas immediately, but it will help prevent further price increases down the road.

To sit there and throw the political equivalent of a temper tantrum, refusing to explore any single option is irresponsible and demonstrates a complete lack of concern for the taxpayer. What it does show is unadulterated pandering to special interest groups, which will do nothing but pad the coffers of the politician and not solve the problem.

Global Warming Shenanigans

Whatever credibility the global warming movement - hang on, it's called climate change now, isn't it? That's right - since the temperature of the planet has actually dropped over the past several years, I guess the enviro-nazis had to modify their terminology less they look like a bunch of idiots.

So, let's try that again. Whatever credibility the "climate change" movement had with me is completely and utterly gone. Somewhere along the way, what started out as a legitimate question into mankind's impact on the environment turned into a religion where anything bad that happens to human civilization is attributed to the great evil of carbon dioxide - this belief pattern is similar to many a religion where the omnipotent deity punishes puny man for transgressions (sin leads to hell, Allah strikes deep into the belly of the infidel, etc). Additionally, the church of climate change requires faith in things that cannot or have yet to be conclusively proven (consensus is not proof, FYI). For an excellent commentary on this, check out Michael Crichton's speech.

Today, I bring you two ridiculous examples of people blaming things on global warming / climate change that blow right past the edge of reason into complete and utter hysteria.

First up - the fine staff at the University of Texas Southwestern located in Dallas, TX. According to these doctors, if global warming trends projected by the crack team at the UN continue, then we're going to see a massive increase in kidney stones, particularly along the "kidney stone belt" (I'm not making that up) which seems to parallel the sun belt area.

To their credit, the doctors do use actual science in developing this theory. Apparently, when people move from cooler climates to warmer ones, there's an increased risk of kidney stones. The problem - the whole thing is based on flawed UN models. Couple that with the fact that the earth has actually been cooling, and I'm going to have to call shenanigans on this one.

Next up - idiotic Congressman from Massachusetts (that's kind of redundant, isn't it?). Rep. Edward Markey told a group of high school students visiting Washington, D.C. that global warming caused "Black Hawk Down." Actually, what he said was that global warming caused the drought, which created the Darfur crisis, which created famine, which led to the whole Somalia / Mogadishu conflict. Ignorant doesn't even begin to describe that.

The Darfur crisis and the Somalian crisis of the early 1990's were caused by war lords practicing widespread genocide and intentional starvation of the population. Black Hawk Down was caused by a bunch of these warlord's thugs shooting down helicopters with RPG's and the Clinton administration refusing to properly support the operation. Or, if you're brainwashed, "global warming."

My suggestion to the climate change believers - you should focus on conclusively proving your theory instead of running around blaming everything on it. Also, get out there and debate whether or not it is actually occuring. "Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is settled."*

* - Michael Crichton

You Turn Him Loose...You Turn Him Loose

There is an old Peruvian saying, "A person who represents himself has a fool for a client." The man in this video obviously did not take that saying to heart. I do not know the back story on this, but after watching the video I think I can figure out.

A man commits some type of crime, and decides not to spend the money on a lawyer but rather to invest that money in acting class and a new suit. He also manages to tell one of the witnesses that he has a plan to cause a mis-trial. When the time comes to cross examine a witness he decides it is time to show the ace up his sleeve. He asks the judge to excuse his behavior he just needs a second. When the judge doesn't respond he repeats it, then starts his acting. He fakes a heart attack and collapses on the floor. (Side note, if this is not the first time you have watched the video, watch the guy on the far right side, he has no reaction when the man falls over.)

You have to give this guy credit though, even though he is called out by the judge as a faker he sticks with it, acting like he is passed out the whole time. Enjoy.

Forgive or Forget, Where Have You Gone?

For those of you who are uneducated when it comes to day time television there was no better show than Forgive or Forget hosted by Momma Love. The premise of the show was simple, when someone had either been hurt or hurt someone they came to the show looking for forgiveness. The other party had the option to come to the show and walk through the door, literally, they had a door they walked through to show they forgave the other person, or they would not show up and forget that person. It obviously was a whole lot better when the person did not walk through the door. The fact that the host of the show was named Momma Love made it that much better.

I think we should start a national campaign, that are becoming all the rage these days, and send the studios door knobs until they put Forgive or Forget back on the air. To get you ready to start sending those door knobs in here is a sample of Forgive or Forget:

A little back story; Tina used to weigh 275 pounds, but lost 100 pounds with Gastric Bypass Surgery. She had a good "friend" Vinny who would constantly ridicule her and call her fat. To save you some time skip to the 3:58 mark. Vinny has to be considered for Friend of the Year after you hear him talk.

Good News: Barack Has a Plan!

Just so we're all on the same page, Barack is now re-affirming his promise to end the Iraq War within 16-months of taking office. This may seem like a blatantly obvious statement, but with the antics of last week, I wasn't sure if Obama was getting ready to Obama-nate on his promise to lead America to defeat.

It took a little longer than I expected, but Obama has formally responded to last week's news that Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki wants a timetable for the withdrawal of American forces. And surprise, surprise - Obama thinks it's a smashing idea. The New York Times graciously lent their Op-Ed page for the response.

Here are the highlights:

- In an effort to tell the 3 people who didn't know this, Barack starts off by reminding us AGAIN that he has opposed the war since the beginning. While not 100% accurate, we'll let him play this little game. In terms of relevance, however, what he thought about the war 5 years ago is completely useless. But he opposed it. In case you didn't know.

- Then Obama actually says that the "surge" is working. But immediately reverts back to his root programming, and says that "...the same factors that led me to oppose the surge still hold true..." Um, I'm confused. Why is he praising the accomplishments of the surge while saying that he still opposes it? Does anyone actually read that and think it makes sense?

- Obama is going to "...consult with commanders on the ground and the Iraqi government to ensure that our troops were redeployed safely, and our interests protected." I wonder what the commanders on the ground have to say. Fortunately, ABC news has answered that question already. They say it's not a good idea and a logistical nightmare. No worries though - the Obamacons will hope and change their way through those pesky logistical details.

- And what Democratic plan is complete without the promise of large sums of money? Yep, Obama will pledge $2 billion to help the Iraqi refugees. So if you're keeping track of all the money Barack is planning on spending once he gets into office, that $2 billion pretty much ensures a tax of rate of 40%+ for everyone who isn't on welfare.

There's other fun little tidbits in Barack's column, but you get the idea. The recurring phrase Obama seems to have latched onto is "end this war." Well, there's only two ways to end a war. Option A - win by beating the other guy so bad that he no longer has the capability or will to fight; Option B - quit early and give the other guy a chance to rebuild his forces.

To kind of hammer that last point home, check out this article by Michael Barone. He draws some comparisons between Truman and the Berlin Airlift and Bush's commitment to the mission in Iraq.

Summer Movie Update: 1-1-1

Andrew and I went and saw Wanted this past weekend. This makes the third summer movie I've seen this season, and here's the latest standings:

1 Win - Iron Man; When Stark was drinking scotch in a HMMWV while driving to a missile test in Afghanistan, I knew the movie would rock.

1 Loss - The Happening; I'm still mad at Andrew for making me watch this movie. I have a couple rules when it comes to going to movies, and one of the big ones is if Marky Mark is expected to act like anything other than a tough guy / meat head, then it's going to be a waste of time. I should have followed my own rules.

1 Tie - Wanted; to be honest, this was a borderline loss, and I knew that going in. But, I made Andrew buy my ticket (HA!), and I got to see what I'm pretty sure was a body double for Angelina Jolie naked from behind with all sorts of cool tattoos. Also, I heard Morgan Freeman's character drop the MF bomb. There's just something inherently funny about the narrator for March of the Penguins saying "Shoot this M----- F-----". If I was in charge of the academy, he would definitely get a nod for best supporting actor for that one line. So when you add those factors in, I can't say that I didn't somewhat enjoy the overall experience.

However, Wanted was a predictable summer action flick. The gun play and magic bullet camera tricks were fun at first, but got old quick. And when I can guess how the movie is going to end 20 minutes into it, writers need to try a little harder.

I'm still debating whether or not to see Hancock, and in all likelihood, it's going to be relegated to rental status. This upcoming Friday, The Dark Knight arrives, and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping it will make this summer movie season a winning one for your truly.

And since I neglected to post a video on Friday, here's a little love to start your Monday off right. Please to enjoy:

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term? UPDATE!

And now we have video of the incident as well as some commentary from the offended parties.

Click here for the video of the incident.

Click here for the original story to get the background.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have stop thinking about this before my head explodes.

Rule #1 When Leaving Comments

This is not directed or intended for the readers of D&F. For the most part, the 13 regular readers we have leave good comments and tend to stay away from making broad generalizations. For sites and blogs that have thousands of readers, it's a different story. Go read any political story. You won't get 3 comments in without someone (Conservative or Liberal) throwing some basless stereotype out there and not backing it up with any facts.

Of course I have an example. We have standards here at D&F, after all.

ABC news, in a shocking break from tradition, actually decided to do a little reporting on Barack's policies and ideas. Although, since Obama is setting up yet another policy change on Iraq, ABC News could be laying the ground work and prepping the masses for the inevitable reality that the US is not leaving Iraq anytime soon. But that's not the focus here.

Sure enough, the comments section turns into the political equivalent of a "Your mama so fat..." trash talking competition. And we get this little gem:

"You Rightwingers are a joke! Your the worst Americans ever! And the dumbest! McCain is not fit too be President let alone dog catcher! He's senile,has a bad temper and loves lobbiests,the rich and big corporations. Besides he wants to bomb,bomb, Iran and have wars forever! John McCain is also bad for the economy and the middle class. He's just plain wrong for America!"

Listen up people - if you're going to start your comment off with calling people "the dumbest" anything, spell check your comment. Because nothing says "I'm a complete moron" better than misspelling simple words and mixing up "your" and "you're."

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term?

From the Dallas City Hall Blog:

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

That's it. This racist BS has gone entirely too far. I'm not sure what qualifies someone to be a Dallas city Commissioner, but based on this little interchange, one only has to pass pre-school and have a 3-yeard old's understanding of the universe.

What's more shocking is that a judge - someone entrusted to interpret the laws of Texas - is stupid enough to believe "black hole" is a racial slur.

According to the article, Mayfield shot back that a "black hole" is a science term, but stopped short of trying to explain what the singularity is. If I were in his shoes, I would have gone with something like, "Well, at least it's not a brown hole like the sanitation department."

And what the hell kind of come back is, "it's a white hole" anyway? Price might as well have gone with the "I'm rubber and you're glue" approach.

IDIOTS!

Is Every Other Feminist Problem Solved?

I'm not naive and ignorant enough to believe that the battle of the sexes is over and that every man and woman in America is on the same playing field when it comes to job opportunities and compensation.

Having said that, we have come along way, and while there are still some parts of the professional American world that are clearly dominated by males, females have little trouble gaining access to those fields and receiving competitive pay.The point is that we, as a society, have made significant progress since the bra burning days of the 60's.

We've made so much progress here in America, that I think the old warriors of the feminist movement have kind of run out things to complain about. For example, magazine editor Cynthia Good recently went on a hell-bent crusade to get the city of Atlanta to change all the "Men at work" and "Men Working" signs to reflect that women are working on the roads as well.

Of course, this is quite the trivial victory in the battle of the sexes. I can't help but think that Cynthia's time, effort, and position as a "woman's magazine editor" would be better spent fighting for women's rights in countries that continue to treat women as second class citizens.

You know - places like Saudi Arabia or any other traditional Muslim country where female castration is still practiced. Or how about Africa where men think having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS (I'm not making that up).

At the end of the day, this is the United States, and if Cynthia thinks that changing some words on road signs and making the city of Atlanta spend thousands of dollars doing so will further the feminist movement, then more power to her. Personally, between driving, talking on the cell phone, dealing with the idiot drivers in Atlanta, the traffic in Atlanta, I really don't think the driving population of the city is a) going to notice the change or b) if they do notice, it's not going to inspire any sort of further action.

Oh well.

Sex Columnist: Not Just For Sluts!

So Foxnews.com has themselves a sex columnist. And because I'm usually bored out of mind at work, I end up reading whatever Yvonne K. Fulbright has to say. As a result, I've become convinced that in order to become a sex columnist, all you have to do is sleep around....a lot. Here's a snipet from the latest Foxnews FOXSEXpert (I didn't make that name up):

How many sexual partners have you had? If this were an actual survey, would you lie about it? The discussion often comes up during the beginning stages of dating, and apparently a lot of people are lying about their numbers.

My god in heaven. Stop the presses You're telling me people lie about their sexual conquests to complete strangers? Please tell me Ms. Fulbright is getting paid a ridiculous amount of money to bring this previously unknown fact to light. She is? Good. I can sleep tonight.

In honor of this Pulitzer-prize winning journalism, I bring you this classic Onion piece:

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Lisbet "Lizzie" Gilchrist, a second-year undergraduate at Penn State University, told reporters that she has the makings of a good sex-advice columnist Monday.

No Need to See New Cohen Film

Yesterday, we commented on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. Today, we comment on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. But not tomorrow - I can see what's happening, and so I am placing a self-imposed two post limit on this latest Cohen project.

According to The Smoking Gun.com:

JULY 8--Lured by $1 beer and the prospect of "hot chicks" and "hardcore fights," thousands of Arkansans were duped last month into appearing as extras in comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's latest staged mayhem. Cohen and his confederates organized cage fighting programs on consecutive days in Texarkana and Fort Smith. Both cards ended with two male grapplers (one was identified as "Straight Dave" and wore camouflage) tearing each other's clothes off and, while in underwear, kissing down their opponent's chest.

Two comments and then the self-imposed limit begins.

1. According to IMDB, this movie isn't being released until May of 2009. If the past two days are any indicator, we can expect weekly, if not daily, updates on Sacha's pranks over the next 10 months. Basically, if you pay attention to entertainment news, you will be able to accurately predict 90% of what will be in the movie. You know how some movies show all the funny parts in the preview? Same thing except it will last FOREVER!

Combine this with the same sort of parroting that followed the Borat movie, and you can skip seeing the movie all together. You'll have the plot (if there is one) basics from all this "news" and your friends will fill you in on the funny details...ad nauseum. You're welcome - I just saved you $10 ($20 if you get popcorn and a drink).

2. This obviously is a viral marketing campaign, and yes, D&F is now part of it. I've got to hand it to the brainiacs in Hollywood. Based on the sort of crap that's been green lighted over the past 10 years, I would have thought a bunch of Down-Syndrome monkeys with an Etch-a-Sketch were producing everything. Now I know that those monkeys apparently know how to manipulate the mass media, which really shouldn't be a surprise seeing that the mass media is run by lobotomized monkeys.

German Scientists: Smart as 11-year Olds

From Breitbart.com:

The dangerous rise in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere may be troubling scientists and world leaders but it could prove to be a boon for plants, German researchers said Tuesday.

Thanks, German scientists. I learned that carbon dioxide was good for plants back in 5th grade. You see, plants breathe CO2 like humans breathe oxygen. And interestingly enough, a by-product of photosynthesis is oxygen (just like a by-product of human breathing is CO2).

According to the article, the German scientists have developed a follow-up theory that sun light and warm temperatures are good for plants as well.

I thought Germans were supposed to be good at science? Einstein was German, right?

Airline Uses Classic Road Trip Threat

We've all been involved in this scenario in one capacity or another. A family is riding along to some destination (presumably fun, like Six Flags* or Disney World), and the kids in the back are getting unruly.

One sibling has violated the sovereign boundaries of the other siblings back seat space (clearly marked by the middle seat belt). Wet-willy attacks are increasing at an exponential rate. And the parents in the front seat are contemplating running into those water barrel things at exits just to make the insanity stop.

Fortunately, the parents stop short of ramming traffic control devices and opt for the classic threat: "If you kids don't stop [insert annoying kid thing here], so help me God, I'm going to turn this car around." And if you're childhood was anything like mine, the car got turned around A LOT.

It appears that this particular technique is not exclusive to family vacation road trips. American Airlines cancelled an entire flight because the passengers had become "verbally agitated and hostile." The flight crew, afraid for their safety and not wanting to deal with a bunch of whiny passengers, refused to fly. Thus, the flight was cancelled.

* - Not Six Flags Over Georgia though. They have evil rides that remove peoples' heads.

People You Don't Mess With

Welcome back. I trust everyone had a good Fourth of July. We'll start the week off with a D&F Public Service Announcement.

There's just some things you don't do. No matter how funny or entertaining they might be, in the interest of self preservation, you don't do them. Here's a brief (but not inclusive list):

- Wrestle a baby bear - the mom is nearby, and while the little cub may seem fun and a pretty easy match up, the pissed off mama bear is going to rip your face off and most likely use it as TP - like the Charmin bears, except less cute and a hell of alot more painful.

- Agree to do any show on MTV - there's only two options if you're on MTV. One, you're chemically imbalanced and have been selected because the slightest insult will trigger a psychotic rampage which will ultimately end with you in anger management and / or rehab; two, you'll become the target of the aforementioned psychotic episode and, as a result of the attack, develop your own chemical imbalance (and dependency) and then flip out. It's a vicious cycle.

- Not running after hearing the words, "Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. What are you doing here?"

Well, we can add another one to the list: messing with the Israeli intelligence service as part of your new movie. Sacha Baren Cohen's (you may know him as Borat) latest movie is pretty much the same thing as Borat, except now he is a gay German designer named Bruno. The hijinks will ensure.

Anyway, "Bruno" secures an interview with a former Mossad official. You know - the people who hunted down and promptly killed anyone that had anything to do with the 1972 murder of Israeli Olympians (go rent Munich for more detail). Also, the entire Israeli military is bad ass. They've won every war they've ever been in, which includes multiple victories over the same countries (just ask Egypt).

So, in addition to the things mentioned above, D&F recommends that you NOT insult or use someone who has access to highly trained professional assassins during the course of your new movie. While it may seem like a good idea and will probably make people laugh, it's just not worth having your ass beat by a pissed off Jewish secret agent.

This guy just watched "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Fortunately, he thought it was pretty good, so Judd Apatow is only getting a warning shot.

What is this? A Union job?

No, it's the 4th of July. We'll be back in force on Monday (maybe Sunday, if I get inspired). In the mean time, if you're looking for a little patriotic reading lesson, check out this article from American Thinker.

Have a good 4th of July!

Hypersensitive Muslims SUCK!

In the Scottish town of Tayside, the local police setup an advertising campaign to educate people on a new non-emergency phone number for the police:


The puppy is a German Shepherd police dog trainee. He's cute, in case you didn't notice. Well, he's cute to normal people. To a group of jerk face Muslims in Tayside, this poster might as have Mohammad giving two thumbs up to Brokeback Mountain.

In yet another reason why Islam sucks, apparently dogs are considered inherently unclean. And the mere picture of a dog is enough to cause outrage in the Muslim world. Is there anything that just mildly irritates a Muslim? Or is it all or nothing with the Religion of Peace? You're either on the good side of Allah, or you're a name on some suicide bomber's to do list.

In response to the outrage, the Tayside police have put up new posters and postcards in the Muslim parts of the town:

Bulldozer Attack?

From Reuters.com:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A Palestinian rammed a bulldozer into an Israeli commuter bus, cars and pedestrians on one of Jerusalem's busiest streets on Wednesday, killing at least three people and wounding dozens, emergency services said.

First off, the perpetual violence in the Middle East is one of man kind's worst failures. People have been fighting over various parts of this world for over 2,000 years. And to be perfectly honest - there's nothing special about it. It's a friggin' desert. Sure, there's billions of dollars in oil under the sand, but once that is gone, what's the attraction? Nothing.

Having said that, the best a Palestinian could come up with is a bulldozer attack? This sounds like a truth or dare contest turned bad. That, or this particular Palestinian didn't have the cojones to strap on a suicide bomb and fulfill Allah's will like a real man. No 72 virgins for this guy. He can expect a fat post-op tranny that smells like BO and bacon upon his entry into whatever Allah calls heaven.

And what's up with the bus driver not getting out of the way? It's not like bulldozers are high-speed vehicles or even turn quickly. Again, it's tragic, but being sick and twisted, I couldn't help thinking of this classic scene from Austin Powers:

The British Don't Understand 'Prank War'

Ah, the prank war - what better way to waste time at work than come up with elaborate schemes to make a friend look stupid and / or embarrassed? You and your designated opponent spend countless hours and energy trying to out-prank the other - sending stripper grams, changing the desktop picture on his computer, sending anonymous e-mails strongly recommending a battery of STD tests. The possibilities are endless. And thanks to the Internet, there's always a good idea floating out there.

If there's one thing you don't do during a prank war, you involve the authorities. If you can't come up with an appropriate response to the latest prank, then you are bound by the International Prank War Convention to admit defeat and request a truce. Depending on the circumstances, your defeat may involve purchasing many rounds of beer.

This may seem like common sense to you and me, but to a British man who was obviously in the midst of a prank war, he opted to drop the equivalent of a thermonuclear weapon in the middle of a prank war - he sued his buddy and got the legal system involved. In official prank war terminology, this is called "being a dick."

Here's a brief synopsis of what happened - someone signed Matthew Firsht up for Facebook and changed a couple details - like his sexual orientation. Instead of responding with another prank, Matthew opted to sue the guy. Thanks to the show Friends, we have a textbook example of what the appropriate response should have been in this case (the clip is 9 minutes long):