Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Who said it??


Last night there was more than the Republican primary happening in the world of politics. The Democrats were out in Vegas debating the important issues of the day...like Barack Obama being black. Yeah...it turns out that is a big deal with Democrats.


However, towards the end of the debate the three candidates were asked the ever important question of, "What is your greatest weakness?" Try to match the answer with the correct candidate.


A) "My greatest weakness is that I care too much, Tim. For 54 years, I've been fighting. I emerged from the womb with my dukes up, ready to do battle with every fiber of my day-old being."

B) "My greatest weakness is that I get impatient — impatient with people who don't care as much about children as I do."

C) "My greatest weakness is also my greatest strength...I work too hard."

D) "My greatest weakness? Sometimes I misplace stuff. I'm a little disorganized. It's probably a good thing I'm not in charge of my own schedule."



Wow...I am glad they were so open and painfully truthful with us. I might believe what they said if I was 4 years old. You might have done the math and realized that there are four quotes and only three candidates debated. Well I threw one in there that was not mentioned last night but was on an episode of D&F Recommended show The Office to show how stupid the other answers sound.



Answers below:



A) John "Don't Sue Me Bro" Edwards

B) Hillary Clinton

C) Boss of the Year Michael Scott

D) Barack Obama

Clinton To Go After That Elusive (and Critical) Idiot Vote

All you ever hear about in the news is the critical "undecided voters" or the ever-important "minority vote" (I like to call that one the "not white male vote"). Well, Hillary Clinton might have figured out the secret to beating Barack the Magic Negro: the large and often overlooked idiot vote. It should be noted that just because someone is thinking about / has decided to vote for Hillary, it does not mean they are necessarily an idiot.

Unfortunately, idiots are a very large part of the American population, and the majority of them can vote. According to the 2000 census, Idiot-Americans make up approximately 63% of the population, so if one candidate can mobilize a significant number of idiots, they very well may win the White House.

Of course, that begs the question - how does one mobilize an idiot? Conventional wisdom would say give something away for free when an idiot votes for you, like a t-shirt or coozy. It works for credit cards, so why wouldn't it work for a vote? However, since that probably violates multiple laws and one's right to privacy, it's not a viable option. The next logical step would be to get your face and message to the idiots via the TV, which means the candidate looking for the idiot vote has to go on the show for idiots. And that is exactly what the cunning and sharp Hillary Clinton has done.

According to this article in the NY Times, Hillary Clinton will be appearing on an upcoming episode of The Tyra Banks Show. I really wish people would not continue to legitimize the myth that Tyra Banks is a credible journalist by going on her show. Anyway, attempting to capture the idiot vote is the only logical explanation for Hillary going on a show like The Tyra Banks show. For those of you who do not watch The Soup or Best Week Ever, Tyra and her crazed rants / antics are a weekly feature on these shows.

Just to hammer the point home, here are some other topics that will be featured on The Tyra Banks Show this week: The Dangers of the Hook-Up, Sex SOS: Can My Sex Problem Be Solved, and 5 Ways To Get Over Being Dumped. And let's not forget about past topics such as Witches, Gadgets to Catch a Cheating Man, and the time she wore a fat suit to find out what it's like to be fat.

It should also be noted that Barack Obama visited the show back in September, which would indicate that the Democrats are primarily interested in the idiot vote.

Not So Exclusive---Tom Cruise pitches Scientology!!

This is a gold mine of hilarity. I guess there has been a video floating around the World Wide Web about Tom Cruise pitching his incredible religion of Scientology. Finally someone with big enough rubber testicles has decided to post it. If you follow that link at the top, then you will see what I am talking about. It was on YouTube and Google Video however the fine folks over at Scientology decided that they didn’t want it up and threatened those sites if they didn’t take them down.

The guy that runs Gawker.com decided that this was too news worthy to take down. As he says…if Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch was an 8 on the crazy scale…this is a 10. If you have time watch the entire video. I wonder why if the people at Scientology are so excited about their religion and Tom Cruise as their spokesperson why they want to suppress this video? I am not going to lie…after watching this video I am pretty convinced to make the switch.

You may be asking yourself why I would be willing to do that. Well it is with logic like this (about a minute into the video):


"Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone
else. You drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you
know you're the only one that can really help."


Right on brother…right on. There are so many times when I see EMT’s on the scene of tragic accidents and just feel sorry for the victims because I know those EMT’s (who are trained in emergency medicine) aren’t Scientologist and they aren’t giving the proper treatment. What they really need is some midget celebrity to suck some thetans out of them.

Also, about 4 minutes into the video Cruise speaks of SP’s (no, not sexual predators) but “suppressive persons” and laughs like Hillary Clinton when asked a tough question. This is hilarious and should be watched by anyone that has ever wanted to make fun of Tom Cruise on a higher level. Don’t be worried about the insane level of acronyms he uses. Here is a list of what they mean:

SP—Suppressive Persons
KSW—Keep Scientology Working
PTS’s—Potential Trouble Sources

There are a couple other ones but I couldn’t write them down fast enough…if you catch them you can post a comment and let us know so we can talk the lingo of Scientology. Here is the link again just in case you missed it up top. I would probably go look at it quickly because you never know when he might have to take it down. Enjoy it…this is an early Christmas gift.

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 16, 2008:

In the ACLU telling us it is OK to have sex in public restrooms news:
I don't know what we would do without the ACLU telling us what is private and not private.

In presidential candidates not pandering news:
Hillary thinks President Bush attempt to talk to Middle Eastern nations about the oil price is pathetic...can't wait till she is President.

In Republican primary news:
Mitt takes Michigan...now it is wide open.

In Apple being the coolest news:
I am about to jump on the Apple bandwagon...this new laptop looks pretty, pretty, pretty cool.

In more celebrities having kids without being married news:
Mathew McConaughey to be a dad...maybe the kid will wear a shirt every once in a while.

In a conflict of emotions news:
Mike Nifong declares bankruptcy. I am not sure if I should feel bad for him or not. He did ruin three kids’ lives for political gain. I am torn.

In this man hates rubber testicles on cars news:
Some politician is wasting time and money trying to ban those rubber testicles that hang off the back of trucks.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ace Ventura Has a Show on National Geogrpahic


I guess the writer's strike is hitting everyone by now - even the nature shows that I thought, until last night, didn't have writers.

There I was - watching the news or The Fabulous Life of Rich People Who Are Totally Disconnected From Reality on VH1 (I get the two confused, because I'm stupid like that), when I see a commercial for an upcoming episode of Dangerous Encounters on The National Geographic Channel (check your local listings). I was a big fan of Steve Irwin back in the day; not because he was educational and interesting, but because I kept on waiting for one of the wild and untamed animals he harassed to turn on him. Yeah, I know it's probably insensitive to say that, but seriously, when you slap death in the face on a daily basis for years, one of the times he's going to get mad and slap back.

Anyway, this Dangerous Encounters show appears to be the latest attempt to recreate the absolute recklessness of Steve Irwin. The host - Brady Barr - picks up where Steve left off. He's all about finding the most dangerous animals on the planet, getting right in their face, and recording it all for the world to see. Perhaps you remember this past summer when Brady was in a cave looking for giant pythons. Well, he found one, and sure enough, the python wasn't too happy to see Brady and the 18 TV crew members that were recording the event. Said python bit Brady then proceeded to do what pythons are known for - squeezing things to death. Brady escaped, but not before getting enough good footage to make the show an hour long.

Back to last night - whoever is in charge of episode ideas for Dangerous Encounters is getting really, really lazy. Instead of coming up with educational and interesting ideas, they're copying cheap movie stunts. On the January 20th episode, Brady, in an effort to get a better understanding of hippos, is going to get in a life-size fake hippo and interact with live hippos. No, you did not just read the plot for Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls. Yes, I know Ace climbs out of a rhino's butt in the movie. Work with me here.
I think next week, they're going to see how wildebeests and lion's attack by trying to recreate the scene from The Lion King when Mustafa dies.

Pacman at another strip club



According to this report, Adam “Pacman” Jones is accused by a, how should we say this, lady of the night of lunging



“at her numerous times and then "sucker punched" her in the left eye.”


This is the same guy that became a pro wrestler after his suspension this year...was involved in a shooting in Vegas that paralyzed some guy and has been arrested 6 times since being drafted in 2005. Great role model for the kids.

It is very possible that this never happened and it is just some hoochie mama trying to get a quick buck. However, why does Pacman continue to put himself in this position? I am in favor of Roger Goodell banning him forever….forever…forever. He is an embarrassment to the great city of Nashville.

Solution to the writer's strike

Is the writer’s strike getting you down? Get home from work or school and have nothing to watch? Actually have to talk to your family? I know how it feels…these writers are playing with our emotions and it is not cool. However there is a solution.


Netflix and Blockbuster Total Access offer a great way for you to revisit past favorites or get turned onto new favorites. Since the advent of TV shows on DVD, you are able to go and check out shows that maybe you didn’t have time for or maybe just thought looked stupid (like Battlestar Galactica…Sean). Since we won’t be seeing any new shows for a while (except for Chuck which will show 2 new hours on Monday then it will be done until the strike is over) this gives you the perfect opportunity to catch up on other shows.


Blockbuster Total Access and Netflix gives you the simple solution of mailing the DVD's to you. I am sure yall have heard of both of these services but never actually taken the plunge and signed up for one of them. I bet you would like me to sit here and tell you which one is better and give a very detailed review of each. Well I am not going to do that because I am not a nerd…but this guy seems to be. He does a pretty decent job at taking you through the pros and cons of each and he concludes nothing. He says that each person’s situation dictates which one will work better for them. Some kid in a dorm room will probably like Netflix better since they stream movies. However for a family or someone living close to a Blockbuster will like the ability to rent and return movies at a store. Also, both places offer a free trial subscription…so just try it for yourself and let us know which one you prefer.

-------------------------

I would like to take credit for coming up with the idea of blogging about Netflix and Blockbuster, however the absent Sean suggested it.

Philip Rivers...you're no gentleman.


A couple weeks back an astute reader had asked us to blog about the riff between good guy Jay Cutler and punk Philip Rivers. At the time I was kinda on the sideline of who to support in this fight. On the one hand Jay Cutler and I are basically best friends. I was at the Vandy game this year when he was an honorary captain and then a couple weeks ago I saw him at The Tin Roof. So you can understand why I would say we are best friends. On the other hand I really didn't know anything about Rivers, so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.


That changed on Sunday. I am pretty confident in saying that Philip Rivers is a punk and still acts like he is in high school and got dumped by the head cheerleader who just started going out with Jay Cutler. During Sunday's game with the Colts, Rivers was hurt and had to go back to the locker room in the third quarter to have his leg checked out. While walking to the tunnel, Colts' fans started to taunt Rivers (keep in the mind these fans are out of shape middle aged men whose lives revolve around Colts football). Rivers being the smaller man decides to taunt them back. Not a huge deal, since all he was doing was clapping back at them and thanking them sarcastically. The next incident took his actions over the top.


After leaving in the third quarter he was taken out of the game so his back up quarterback could win it for the Chargers. Since Rivers was sitting on the sideline he got an ear full from the Colts fans since their team was about to loose and they would have to wait 8 months for them to pick the pigskin up again. Instead of Rivers being a gentleman and ignoring them, he decides to join in, walking over to the fans and starting a verbal fight. I am sure it started out with something along the lines of "Hey Rivers, you stink" and Rivers just couldn't handle it. I know that this type of behavior is not atypical...however I wish that athletes could keep their egos in check and ignore the fans. This is what started that huge brawl in the NBA between the fans and the players a couple years back. Philip Rivers is young and cocky...someone on his team needs to put him in place because one of these days he is going to really embarrass them. All I can say is go Pats (and I hate the Pats).


Philip Rivers...you're no gentleman.

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 15, 2008:

In useless Colorado State House members news:
Arrogant Colorado State House member kicks photographer....for taking his picture.

In sucks for wine drinkers news:
The same bottle of wine taste better when it is priced at $90 than when it is priced at $10.

In a little too little a little too late news:
Toshiba decides to drop the entry level HD DVD player to $150. Great move...should've been done before Christmas.

In the dumbest plot by a newspaper ever news:
The New York Post planted a fake Jessica Simpson at the Dallas game to distract Romo. However, the planned failed since the fake Jessica looks like a man.

In a dagger to the heart of true college football fans news:
There will not be any talk of a playoff...the NCAA presidents tabled the motion in Nashville yesterday.

Apologies from the Staff


Well, what can I say? It appears we have gotten very, very lazy here at D & F. Ok, maybe not lazy - it was the weekend, and William and I were hanging out in Charlotte, watching football. Obviously, we weren't going to be able to post. As a side note, I correctly predicted the outcome of each game, which makes me about 78% more accurate than any commentator on ESPN. I'm sending them my resume.

Anyway, I had every intention of posting some good stuff yesterday, but then my stupid paying job got in the way - meetings, phone calls, employees wanting paychecks - what's up with that? Every time I sat down to start another great post, something would interrupt me.And more bad news - I'm not going to be in the office for most of today, so I won't be able to post, again....

But, I have some good stuff in reserve, and I will have it up this afternoon / evening. In the meantime, check out this website. It has all sorts of random generators - the horoscope generator, TV pitch show generator, and my personal favorite - The Sick Clown Generator. Don't worry - it's not as bad as it sounds.
Have a great Tuesday, and hopefully William can pick up the slack today.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Today's Sign of the Apocalypse


Hey drug addicts - at a loss for who is to blame for all your problems? Is taking responsibility for your own actions and piss-poor decision making just one more of those things that make you take illegal drugs in the first place? Do you find yourself wishing for a way to turn your self-inflicted addiction in to cold hard cash? Well, does Canada's legal system have the answer for you.

A Saskatchewan woman who overdosed on crystal methamphetamine has successfully won a precedent-setting civil lawsuit against the drug dealer who sold her the highly addictive drug.

Full story here.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I seriously thought our tort system was messed up. Man, I was way off. What you have here is a prime example of the ever-growing (and unnervingly popular) nanny-state. Everyone is a victim, and there is someone and / or something you can sue to make everything all right in the world. Or at least get 50 large in your pocket, which is almost the same thing as happiness.

Does everyone realize what the next step is? Now, when you go down to the local corner to buy your dime bag, 8 ball, LSD, whatever they're calling drugs these days, you're going to have to sign a waiver. In fact, I won't be surprised if dealers start having legal counsel right there on the spot to make sure there's no liability.

This is tantamount to when the fat New York kids tried to sue McDonald's because they got fat off double cheeseburgers. At least the court had the good sense to toss that case.

Good job, Canada.

Apparently, There Are West Virginians in England


From The Sun:

A MARRIED couple have had their union annulled - after discovering they were twins.

I guess eHarmony works a little too well.

Caption Contest

Original caption from Yahoo News Photos:

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert(L) presents US President George W. Bush with a GPS system for mountain biking as the two exchanged gifts on the first day of the US leader's visit in Jerusalem.

Put your own caption on this photo in the comments section. The winner will get something...all the unfunny ones will be ridiculed.

Hillary Clinton Will Say Absolutely Anything...


...if it will get her elected.

One of my biggest complaints about politicians is how they shamelessly pander to whatever audience they have. Both sides do it, but it seems to get absolutely out of control with the Democrats.

Let's take a look at Hillary Clinton. We've all seen / heard the little episode a few months ago when she suddenly developed a thick southern accent when addressing a largely African-American audience. Well, she attempted a southern accent. What came out was some horrible mix of a dying vulture and Britney Spears singing without digital enhancement (it's not pretty).

Yesterday, the insanity continued. Hillary is out in Nevada, talking to the people, and letting everyone know she is the candidate of the people and for the people. In a staged door-to-door campaigning event, she walked through a lower-income, Hispanic neighborhood. Because Las Vegas had been a rapidly growing area, most of the people in this low-income area work in the construction industry. This, of course, led to comments on the supposed recession and how the government should step in and help these people. Not too bad, I guess, but let's look at what she actually said:

Clinton said unscrupulous lending leads to bad mortgages, which lead to foreclosures, which lead to people with nowhere to go and vacant neighborhoods that can go rapidly downhill.
"We treat these problems as if one is guacamole and one is chips, when ... they both go together," she said.

Come on - chips and guacamole? She might as well have told everyone who was out of a job to go apply at Taco Bell since they already know how to make Mexican food. If I were Hispanic, I might find this a tad bit degrading.

And here's the winner: When some random guy yelled out that his wife is illegal, Hillary replied that, "No woman is illegal." Was she drunk when she said that? Did someone hit her over the head immediately before this little exchange? This is worse than John Edwards saying if Bush would allow embryonic stem cell research, Christopher Reeve would be alive and walking around today.

There's a theory out there that in order to get another true conservative like Ronald Regan, a complete failure of a President like Jimmy Carter has to precede him. At this point, I'm almost willing to suffer through a Carter-like presidency if it means the country gets its priorities in order.

Could the HD-DVD/Blu-Ray War Be Over?

Variety is reporting that the last of the major studios backing the HD DVD format is considering a switch to Blu-Ray. That would give Sony (who backs Blu-Ray) a major victory in the battle for high definition media supremacy. At Christmas it was still considered a stalemate as to which format was going to win, but this week Warner Brothers, who was selling movies in both formats, decided to go exclusively to Blu-Ray.


I personally don’t care which format wins. I hear they both produce a pretty nice picture on an HDTV, I am glad to hear that one if winning over the other so I can start to contemplate the purchase of a Blu-Ray player. There are players that will play both type of disc, but those go for over $1200. Now that Universal (the movie studio) is considering Blu-Ray, movies like the Bourne Ultimatum will be on Blu-Ray at some point. This is great news for the consumer. If this turns out to be true, then I suspect there will be a massive drive to buy Blu-Ray. Sony looks like it is finally avenging the loss of Betamax.


-----------------------------------------


I know that this is not a funny post…so here is a “Yo Mama” joke to make up for it:


Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.


OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Snap!!!!


Honoring The Game

While helping out last year with a 6th grade basketball team (The Miscellaneous Heat) I was able to discover the true meaning behind basketball. It’s not scoring more points, it’s not who wins the most games (although those things are nice)…it comes down to who gets the “Honor The Game” trophy at the end of the season. This also signifies who the worst team is in the league but they wanted the kids to win something.



So this morning when I was reading USA Today I saw that they probably need to institute this same award in college basketball. St. Louis University men’s basketball team decided to play like 6th graders last night. And in doing so, scored the least amount of points ever scored in a D1 basketball game. They came away from the game with their heads held high after scoring a remarkable 20 points…all game. They scored 7 in the first half and almost redoubled their efforts and sank 13 in the second. Their leading scorer came away with the elusive (albeit impressive) single single (he had 5 points and 6 rebounds).


So, thank you St. Louis University (SLU) for showing the kids of America that you can still get full ride scholarships to college even if you suck. And thank you for Honoring The Game.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Think Our Presidential Candidates Suck?


Take a look at this guy. Who is this handsome man clad in leopard print (wasn't able to confirm if it's print or actual leopard skin, so I went with the more PETA-friendly option)? This is the front-runner for President of South Africa. Now before someone gets all PC on me - Yes, I understand that this may be the traditional dress of his people, but when you're next in line to be the President of Africa's most well-off country, maybe you should re-think the half-naked, spear carrying look. Maybe. Just a suggestion.

His name is Jacob Zuma, and he goes by the nickname '100% Zulu Boy'. Here's the full story on this wonderful example of a human being. If you don't want to read the full article, here are the highlights:

- Jacob has 4 wives and over 20 children.

- He was brought up on rape charges, but gave the ol' "She was wearing a short skirt and, therefore, asking for it," defense. I am not making that up. Apparently, it's the duty of a Zulu warrior to "take" any female that dresses even remotely provocative. Don't laugh - he was found not guilty.

- The victim is HIV-positive. When asked if he was worried about infection, Jacob simply replied that he took a shower afterwards. Oh. My. God.

- Corruption and bribery charges are the going themes of his campaign and administration

- His campaign song is "Bring Me My Machine Gun". That's like Obama coming out and saying his campaign theme song is "F&^# the Police" by N.W.A.

- And let's not forget he's a Communist. Fabulous.

Where is Nelson Mandel? I can't imagine he's Ok with this. Actually, Nelson Mandel and Jacob are from the same political party - the African National Congress. I guess that's like saying JFK and Hilary Clinton are both Democrats (JFK would be a Republican if he were alive today).

If there is one spot in Africa that has a chance of making it out the 3rd world vicious cycle of poverty, it's South Africa. Of course, if this jackass is elected, you might as well kiss that goodbye. In fact, you can probably go ahead and mark South Africa as the next Darfur crisis.

$3,000,000,000,000,000

Not actually the person mentioned in this story...just thought it was appropriate.

If one thing is certain in America, it is trashy lawyers will pounce any chance they get on a tragedy. Hurricane Katrina was more than 2 years ago and just recently there was a deadline for claims (lawsuits) to be submitted so they could be reviewed by a Federal Court. I have no problem with that…I am sure there are some suits that might actually be legitimate. There are probably more that involve people who did not want to buy insurance even though they lived in a city that was built below sea level. However, there is a suit asking for $3,000,000,000,000,000 in damages (must have been a pretty nice house). Yes, someone from Louisiana is suing the Army Corps of Engineers for $3 quadrillion.


The article does not get much information regarding this person, but it does tell us they live in a town about 90 miles north of New Orleans and a city that is packed with trailers with people living in them since Hurricane Katrina. So I think we can safely assume that this person lives in a trailer provided to them at tax payer’s expense. He (or she) has been living off of the tax payer for two years…at least. For two years they have been unable to venture out on their own or find their own place to live. They seem to be content living in a government sponsored trailer. My closed minded guess is that this is an upgrade in living accommodations from before Katrina.


My hunch is that this person is not a lawyer so he had to involve one to sue the government. Which means that someone who is perceived to be intelligent (the lawyer) had to agree to this number as well. Heck, why wouldn’t they. If they get the typical 25% (that might even be low) cut of the settlement he is looking at a $750,000,000,000,000 (that is trillion) payday. He would become the second richest person in the world instantly. Lets say that Louisiana was going to sue the Army Corps of Engineers for $3 quadrillion…that would be $699,644,720 per resident (per 2006 Census numbers). That would be a pretty nice payday for doing nothing.

There is only one minor problem with this lawsuit. There is not even $3 quadrillion dollars in the world. If this man won (which obviously will not happen…but hey, way to aim high) it would take America 230 years to produce that much output (GDP). And that does not take into account any type of expenditures (like taxes, cost of doing business, etc.). I am probably taking this lawsuit a little too seriously but why even submit it…if it was to get a little publicity then they got it. I hope he doesn’t get a dime since he has probably been sponging off of us for two years anyway. Enjoy your trailer.

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Another calculation for you: If the world population split this amount it would be $500,000 per man, woman and child.

Do You Know How To Exorcise Yourself?


Every now and then at D&F, we like to provide some helpful information - kind of like the show Man vs. Wild. You never know when you'll be stranded in some African desert and have to drink your own pee or squeeze the water out of some rhino poop in order to stay alive (yes, Bear Grylls did both of these things). So, in the spirit of giving people really extreme ways to help themselves, I bring you the following:

Say you wake up one morning and discover the Mark of the Beast (666) somewhere on your person. Maybe you shouldn't have invited those Jehovah's Witnesses in for coffee the other day or watched that episode of Will and Grace. Who knows? I'm not judging.

Whatever you did to deserve it, you have now angered God, and you are on the fast-track for a smiting. The best way to solve this problem is remove whatever part of your body has the mark - preferably using some sort of power tool, like a skill saw. But wait - there is one more step. If there's one thing the Devil absolutely cannot stand, it's microwave radiation. So take the recently severed appendage, toss that bad boy into the microwave, and nuke it for a couple minutes. While you're waiting for the demons in the hand / foot / leg / other body part to be fully exorcised (cooked), you might want to call 911 and put some pressure on that open wound.

Sound crazy? Well, tell that to this guy. (No, it's not a picture. It's a news story about someone who actually cut of his hand.....and microwaved it).

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

William Got "Linda Tripp-ed"


Earlier today, William got a little upset about my superior ability to find funny news stories and provide witty commentary. For those of you that do not refresh D&F every 5 minutes, here's a brief synopsis of what happened:

- I posted the story and my comments at approximately 6:24am Central Standard Time.
- About 15 minutes later, William posted his TSTWBTAT, which included the same story I had already posted.
- William gets mad and jealous of my superior writing skills, and promptly changes the post time on his post to 10 minutes before my original post.
- When confronted with this, William categorically denied the allegations, not unlike 'roid-freak Roger Clemens.

Well, unbeknownst to William, a conversation with an unspecified informant was recorded earlier today. Thanks to The Patriot Act (and Karl Rove) no warrant was required for this phone tap. In this recording, William admits to changing the time of the post.

I am currently writing my congressman demanding a full investigation into this blatant disregard for proper blog-etiquette.

I redact my predictions!!!

Not too long ago I boldly predicted what was going to happen in the Presidential primaries. I went out on a limb and declared Obama the victor even though only one state had actually voted. I thought that he had momentum and nothing could stop him...I clearly underestimated the Clinton's.


Obama was up double digits in some polls that were released yesterday and I thought that at 8:00pm last night (when the polls closed) Obama was going to be declared the winner and might even announce he was running for King of the World. That clearly did not happen and now Hillary gets to call herself the "Comeback Kid" forever. Whoever thought that she should tear up the day before the vote is a genius. I am not saying that move was political...but it was, come on, its the Clinton's.


On the Republican side McCain won by 5% and that was pretty much expected (if not closer than people thought). While I do not support McCain in the primaries I am not too upset that he won...at least it was The Huck. Mitt should have won New Hampshire...he summers there (Bobby claims that if you use summer as a verb you are rich...I tend to agree). It is now on to Michigan for the Republicans and the race will be between McCain, Romney and The Huck. Huck will have more Evangelicals to rely on, McCain will have the wave of momentum and Romeny's dad was the governor there a long time ago. It should be close but I guess anything is possible.


I am finished with predictions on the primaries...obviously they only bring me shame. So I officially redact my earlier predictions...therefore you can not bring them up at any future time. The power of redaction.

Boo Bobby!!


Thanks Bobby for stealing my story and adding your witty commentary. You even stole my Weekend At Bernie's reference. As you can clearly see I published mine first. The Boo-Birds are out in full force.

You Did What for $355? Really?


I couldn't decide if this was a Sign of the Apocalypse story or not. I decided to err on the side of caution and save the Apocalypse awards for Fox's upcoming new shows - like The Moment of Truth, where people are strapped to a polygraph and get the chance to win $500,000 if they don't lie on questions like 'Have you ever accepted cash for sex?' or 'Have you cheated on your spouse?'. Gold. Solid freakin' gold.

Anyway, I wake up this morning and find this story on The New York Times:

Even for the once-notorious Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, it may have been a first: Two men were arrested on Tuesday after pushing a corpse, seated in an office chair, along the sidewalk to a check-cashing store to cash the dead man’s Social Security check, the police said.

Straight out of Weekend at Bernie's. The two criminal masterminds were down on their luck and could use a little extra cash. So they took the recently deceased's Social Security check, strapped the body to an office chair, and hoofed it to the nearest check cashing place. The check cashing employee insisted that the dead guy be the one to cash the check, and when Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber went outside to roll in the guest of honor, a crowd had gathered. Apparently, a dead body strapped to a chair on a New York sidewalk is not a common occurrence.

If this isn't a sign that we need Social Security reform, then I don't know what will do the trick. I would like to think that when I start drawing my Social Security (let's pretend it's going to be there in 50 years, for the sake of argument), $355 is not enough to make me 'pull a Bernie' on my best friend. I'm thinking at least $1,000. Just kidding.

I guess it's not really a sign of the Apocalypse; rather, just one more stunning example that people will do anything for money - Fear Factor, Jackass, The Moment of Truth, and the list goes on.

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 9, 2008:

In Communist China being heartless news:
China bans free plastic shopping bags. Where will it end commies?

In phrases that I am already tired of hearing news:
Clinton and McCain overuse the expression "comeback kid".

In Weekend at Bernie's copycat news:
2 guys arrested after wheeling a dead corpse in a chair to a check cashing place to get his Social Security. Brilliant!!!

In Hall of Fame news:
Goose Gossage rips Clemens...Zinger!

In college football playoff news:
Thank you Michael Adams (President of UGA) for speaking the truth.

In college football final news:
Final Top 25 for the AP and USA Today Coaches Poll.

In "COME ON" news:
Knocked up high schoolers want 4 weeks of maternity leave.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

9

The number 9.


--Nine is the highest single-digit number in the decimal system.

--In the NATO phonetic alphabet the number is called "novenine".

--The ordinal adjective is ninth.

--In the game of Craps, 9 is known as the center field because it is in the middle of the seven numbers on the field bet.

--The number worn by Roy Hobbs in the movie The Natural.


However, all those 9's pail in comparison to 9 being the number of bowl games THE Ohio State University has played against SEC teams and 9 is the number of losses they have.


I am sure Bobby will have more on this a little later. Congrats to LSU...its Auburn's turn next year. WAR EAGLE!!!


----Thanks to Wikipedia for the info on the 9

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 8, 2008

In polar bears aren't so cute news:
Polar bear mom eats her cub...because she can.

In New Hampshire Primary news:
A really, really small New Hampshire town voted at midnight...big freaking deal.

In the SEC being awesome news:
LSU and Ohio State played football last night...I didn't know anything about it.

In actors not getting any SWAG news:
The Golden Globes Award Show is canceled...God does love us.

In great news for MTV Cribs (if that show is still on) and rappers:
It's only 150 inches...(insert your own that's what she said joke here).

SEC to THE Ohio State University: HA-HA!

Is this really a surprise to anyone? I didn't bother listening to the pre-game predictions because I'm sure they all centered around Jim Tressel and how he motivated his players by showing tapes from last year's blow-out loss to Florida. Good job, Jim. In related news, Ohio just outlawed sweater vests.

This makes 9 straight losses to an SEC team in a bowl game. Additionally, 7 different teams have put the smack down on THE Ohio State University - including 2 back-to-back losses to South Carolina before they were anything to write home about.

Following Michigan destroying Florida on January 1st, Kirk Herbstreit made a comment along the lines of, "Now we see that the Big-10 can run with the SEC." Um, no Kirk. We see that Florida has been overrated all year, and falling to the team that got beat by a 1-AA team is technically only half a loss. Like last year, Ohio State opened with some big plays, but when they had to actually play some football and not rely on the other team to screw up, we see the true nature of the Ohio State Buckeyes - useless nuts.

I really can't wait until I run into another Ohio State fan that insists on saying THE Ohio State University. My reply - THE Ohio State University that can't when championships or beat an SEC team. That should keep them quiet for a while.

Monday, January 7, 2008

9-11 Conspiracy Theory Buffs Don't Need No Stinkin' Science


Last night, while watching some good ol' American football, William called me with a great idea for a new feature on Dink & Flika - Make Fun of 9-11 Conspiracy Buffs. This fantastic idea was spawned from The History Channel's 9-11 Conspiracies: Fact or Fiction. The show picks random 9-11 conspiracies (just Google "9-11 Conspiracy" and you will be inundated with examples), has the proponents explain why they believe in said conspiracy, and then it has experts (engineers, actual investigators, etc.) explain why the conspiracy is wrong.

Basically, it comes down to this - the conspiracy buffs first convince themselves that 9-11 was an inside job and then proceed to select the evidence that reinforces that belief. They routinely discard or simply ignore the scientific facts that would readily disprove whatever theory they're hopelessly clinging to.

For this inaugural feature, I selected a filmmaker highlighted on last night's show. I don't remember her name, the name of the movie, or what exactly was her job on the movie. And since a 2 minute Google search provided no further insight, I gave up on research. Which, interesting enough, is probably the same amount of research she put into her conspiracy theory before believing it's as true as water being wet.

Anyway, film lady, after watching the footage of the Twin Towers falling, determined that the towers fell entirely too quick. She is not a structural engineer, nor was she involved in the investigation of the collapse. Rather, she just felt it happened too quick. To test this hypothesis, she pulled out a little-known footnote to Newton's Law of Gravity - I'm paraphrasing here - the speed at which a floor of a 110-story building falls is exactly the time it takes to say "Clickity-clack." (Side note: I am not making any of this up.) To test how long it would take a 110-story building to fall using the footnote to Newton's Law of Gravity, she had a "major Republican" say "clickity-clack" 100 times. It took over 3 minutes - significantly longer than the 15 seconds or so it took the towers to fall.

You might want to read that paragraph again - sometimes things that stupid need to be read twice to really comprehend the lack of intelligence. I'm not sure why a "major Republican" needed to used in the testing - unless they say "clickity-clack" more accurately than a "major Democrat". I don't know.

On a completely different note - sorry for not posting today. I had to drive to Raleigh for my paying job, and, thus, was away from the computer all day. I promise to do better tomorrow, or something....

Out for Today

I am traveling to the great state of North Carolina today and will not be active in the blogosphere until later tonight. I apologize to my tens of fans who will undoubtedly be disappointed. Hopefully Bobby will continue to pick up my slack. I leave you with the quote of the day (submitted by B1):

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."--John Adams

Sunday, January 6, 2008

5 Biggest Baseball Scandals

B1 is stepping up to the plate (no pun intended) and filling in for me while I travel. He did his research and came up with the 5 biggest baseball scandals. Please to enjoy.



#5 – Wife Trade

On March 5, 1973, at the New York Yankees’ spring training camp in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., pitchers Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson announced they had swapped wives, two children apiece and even family dogs. (For the record, the Kekiches had a terrier, the Petersons a poodle.)


“Neither Fritz Peterson nor I will ever make it into the Hall of Fame,” Kekich said years later. “But I know our names keep popping up in the Hall of Shame. I don’t lose any sleep over it, but I really don’t think it’s fair.” Kekich seemed the biggest loser, in more ways than one. Previously noted mainly as the pitcher who surrendered Frank Howard’s home run in the Washington Senators’ last game two years earlier, he was traded early in the 1973 season to Cleveland, where he went 2-5 with a 7.48 ERA. The following year, the Indians cut him.“My whole career went into a black hole (after the swap),” Kekich said. “It was awful.”Of his short-lived fling with Marilyn Peterson, Kekich recalled, “Marilyn and I thought we were perfectly suited, just like Fritz and Susanne. Marilyn was all for the swap in the beginning, but then she backed off. All four of us had agreed in the beginning that if anyone wasn’t happy, the thing would be called off. But when Marilyn and I decided to call it off, the other couple already had gone off with each other.”

#4 – Cocaine Scandals

Pirates players Dave Parker, Dale Berra, Rod Scurry, Lee Mazzilli, Lee Lacy, and John Milner as well as Keith Hernandez, Tim Raines, and Lonnie Smith were summoned to appear before a Pittsburgh grand jury. Their testimony led to the Pittsburgh Drug Trials, which made national headlines in September, 1985. (Barry Bonds just missed this scandal ... he was a Pirate rookie in 86).


Despite the problem of cocaine use and abuse being a baseball-wide problem, it was perceived as just a "Pittsburgh problem" by the national media. Arguably, it led to the more widespread awareness of use of other drugs such as amphetamines ("greenies" in baseball vernacular) and marijuana in the game. Both have a long history in baseball; Milner (who had retired two years earlier due to recurring hamstring injuries), in fact, spoke of Willie Mays (Bonds’ godfather) and Willie Stargell, both iconic figures and Hall of Famers, giving him "greenies". Milner died at age 50.


Testimony revealed that drug dealers frequented the Pirates' clubhouse. Stories such as Rod Scurry leaving a game in the late innings to look for cocaine and John Milner buying two grams of cocaine for $200 in the bathroom stalls at Three Rivers Stadium during a 1980 game against the Houston Astros shocked the grand jurors. Even Kevin Koch, who played the Pirates' mascot, was implicated for buying cocaine and introducing players to a drug dealer.


On February 28, 1986, Peter Ueberroth suspended a number of players for varying lengths of time. A primary condition of reinstatement was public service. It would have also included urine tests, but the players union was able to successfully halt its implementation. To this day, drug testing, particularly of this sort, is a polarizing issue.


Rod Scurry died at age 36 on November 5, 1992 in a Reno, Nevada intensive care unit of a heart attack after a cocaine-fueled incident with police officers led to his hospitalization. Drug abuse also ruined the promising career of Dale Berra, the son of Hall of Famer Yogi Berra. Dave Parker's cocaine abuse likely cost himself possible induction into the Hall of Fame

#3 – Black Sox Scandal

Eight players from the Chicago White Sox were accused of throwing the series against the Cincinnati Reds. Details of the scandal remain controversial, and the extent to which each man was involved varied. It was, however, front-page news across the country when the story was uncovered late in the 1920 season, and despite being acquitted of criminal charges (throwing baseball games was technically not a crime), the eight players were banned from organized baseball (i.e. the leagues subject to the National Agreement) for life.


Although betting had been an ongoing problem in baseball since the 1870s, it reached a head in this scandal, resulting in radical changes in the game's organization. It resulted in the appointment of a Commissioner of Baseball, a former federal judge named Kennesaw Mountain Landis, who took firm steps to try to rid the game of gambling influence permanently. The ancillary fallout - regrettably Landis was a racist - he perpetuated the color line and prolonged the segregation of organized baseball for another quarter century. His successor Happy Chandler said, "For twenty-four years Judge Landis wouldn't let a black man play.


One important step was the lifetime ban against the Black Sox Scandal participants. The "eight men out" were the great "natural hitter" "Shoeless" Joe Jackson; pitchers Eddie Cicotte and "Lefty" Williams; infielders "Buck" Weaver, "Chick" Gandil, Fred McMullin, and "Swede" Risberg; and outfielder "Happy" Felsch. In 1988, a movie was made about the scandal called Eight Men Out, based on the book of the same name by Eliot Asinof.

#2 – Pete Rose Gambling

The Dowd Report asserted that Pete Rose bet on fifty-two Reds games in 1987, at a minimum of $10,000 a day. Rose, facing a very harsh punishment, decided to seek a compromise with Major League Baseball. On August 24, 1989, Rose agreed to a voluntary lifetime ban from baseball. The agreement had three key provisions:

- Major League Baseball would make no finding of fact regarding gambling allegations and cease their investigation;
- Pete Rose was neither admitting or denying the charges; and
- Pete Rose could apply for reinstatement after one year.

To Rose's chagrin, however, Giamatti immediately stated publicly that he felt that Pete Rose bet on baseball games. Then, in a stunning follow-up event, Giamatti, a heavy smoker for many years, suffered a fatal heart attack just eight days later, on September 1. Many believed that the Rose case gave Giamatti the distress which led to his untimely passing. The fact that Rose is still not allowed to be reinstated, in the face of such divisive inclusion of racists like Ty Cobb and Kennesaw Landis (to name two of many) and drug cheats of the past 25 years is a joke. He has paid his dues.

#1 Steroids ERA... The Mitchell Report

Mitchell's investigation focused on players, without investigating the role teams played. Mitchell reported that the Major League Baseball Players Association was "largely uncooperative". According to Mitchell, the Players Association effectively discouraged players from cooperating with the investigation.


Only two active players were interviewed for the report. Of five players who were approached by the investigators for interviews because of their public statements on the issue, Toronto Blue Jays designated hitter Frank Thomas was the only one willing to be interviewed. Also interviewed were admitted steroid user and New York Yankees DH Jason Giambi.


Over 700 people were interviewed during the investigation. Of 500 former players contacted, 68 agreed to be interviewed, and three others had interviews arranged by law enforcement. Interviews with current or former club officials, managers, coaches, team physicians, athletic trainers, or resident security agents accounted for another 550 interviews. The teams and the Commissioner's Office supplied Mitchell with more than 115,000 pages of documents and 2,000 electronic documents.


Jose Conseco has stated that more than 50% of ball players playing during his career were taking steroids and/or HGH but hell, let’s say its only 25%. Bud Selig should have the baseBALLS to ban them all from the game, strip them of all records and implement a policy as serious as cycling has and tell the players union to stuff it! Guys like Aaron, Maddox, Glavine, Robinson, Mantle and others deserve respect and honor while the cheaters should be driven from the game and the record books.


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As a side note to the Clemens lovers, outside of an experimental approach to combat chronic fatigue syndrome -- many doctors universally reject the efficacy of B-12 shots for healthy people who don't suffer from vitamin deficiencies. Insiders from the bodybuilding community believe vitamin B-12 is an effective masking agent for urine tests.