I'm Surprised Someone Just Came Up With This

I seriously think I had this same idea when I first found out about the Make a Wish Foundation:


Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

The best part is when the kid wishes away the foundation's pro bono legal team. Classic.

Do You Know How To Exorcise Yourself?

Every now and then at D&F, we like to provide some helpful information - kind of like the show Man vs. Wild. You never know when you'll be stranded in some African desert and have to drink your own pee or squeeze the water out of some rhino poop in order to stay alive (yes, Bear Grylls did both of these things). So, in the spirit of giving people really extreme ways to help themselves, I bring you the following:

Say you wake up one morning and discover the Mark of the Beast (666) somewhere on your person. Maybe you shouldn't have invited those Jehovah's Witnesses in for coffee the other day or watched that episode of Will and Grace. Who knows? I'm not judging.

Whatever you did to deserve it, you have now angered God, and you are on the fast-track for a smiting. The best way to solve this problem is remove whatever part of your body has the mark - preferably using some sort of power tool, like a skill saw. But wait - there is one more step. If there's one thing the Devil absolutely cannot stand, it's microwave radiation. So take the recently severed appendage, toss that bad boy into the microwave, and nuke it for a couple minutes. While you're waiting for the demons in the hand / foot / leg / other body part to be fully exorcised (cooked), you might want to call 911 and put some pressure on that open wound.

Sound crazy? Well, tell that to this guy. (No, it's not a picture. It's a news story about someone who actually cut of his hand.....and microwaved it).

William Got "Linda Tripp-ed"

Earlier today, William got a little upset about my superior ability to find funny news stories and provide witty commentary. For those of you that do not refresh D&F every 5 minutes, here's a brief synopsis of what happened:

- I posted the story and my comments at approximately 6:24am Central Standard Time.

- About 15 minutes later, William posted his TSTWBTAT, which included the same story I had already posted.

- William gets mad and jealous of my superior writing skills, and promptly changes the post time on his post to 10 minutes before my original post.

- When confronted with this, William categorically denied the allegations, not unlike 'roid-freak Roger Clemens.

Well, unbeknownst to William, a conversation with an unspecified informant was recorded earlier today. Thanks to The Patriot Act (and Karl Rove) no warrant was required for this phone tap. In this recording, William admits to changing the time of the post.

I am currently writing my congressman demanding a full investigation into this blatant disregard for proper blog-etiquette.

You Did What for $355? Really?

I couldn't decide if this was a Sign of the Apocalypse story or not. I decided to err on the side of caution and save the Apocalypse awards for Fox's upcoming new shows - like The Moment of Truth, where people are strapped to a polygraph and get the chance to win $500,000 if they don't lie on questions like 'Have you ever accepted cash for sex?' or 'Have you cheated on your spouse?'. Gold. Solid freakin' gold.

Anyway, I wake up this morning and find this story on The New York Times:

Even for the once-notorious Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, it may have been a first: Two men were arrested on Tuesday after pushing a corpse, seated in an office chair, along the sidewalk to a check-cashing store to cash the dead man’s Social Security check, the police said.

Straight out of Weekend at Bernie's. The two criminal masterminds were down on their luck and could use a little extra cash. So they took the recently deceased's Social Security check, strapped the body to an office chair, and hoofed it to the nearest check cashing place. The check cashing employee insisted that the dead guy be the one to cash the check, and when Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber went outside to roll in the guest of honor, a crowd had gathered. Apparently, a dead body strapped to a chair on a New York sidewalk is not a common occurrence.

If this isn't a sign that we need Social Security reform, then I don't know what will do the trick. I would like to think that when I start drawing my Social Security (let's pretend it's going to be there in 50 years, for the sake of argument), $355 is not enough to make me 'pull a Bernie' on my best friend. I'm thinking at least $1,000. Just kidding.

I guess it's not really a sign of the Apocalypse; rather, just one more stunning example that people will do anything for money - Fear Factor, Jackass, The Moment of Truth, and the list goes on.

SEC to THE Ohio State University: HA-HA!

Is this really a surprise to anyone? I didn't bother listening to the pre-game predictions because I'm sure they all centered around Jim Tressel and how he motivated his players by showing tapes from last year's blow-out loss to Florida. Good job, Jim. In related news, Ohio just outlawed sweater vests.

This makes 9 straight losses to an SEC team in a bowl game. Additionally, 7 different teams have put the smack down on THE Ohio State University - including 2 back-to-back losses to South Carolina before they were anything to write home about.

Following Michigan destroying Florida on January 1st, Kirk Herbstreit made a comment along the lines of, "Now we see that the Big-10 can run with the SEC." Um, no Kirk. We see that Florida has been overrated all year, and falling to the team that got beat by a 1-AA team is technically only half a loss. Like last year, Ohio State opened with some big plays, but when they had to actually play some football and not rely on the other team to screw up, we see the true nature of the Ohio State Buckeyes - useless nuts.

I really can't wait until I run into another Ohio State fan that insists on saying THE Ohio State University. My reply - THE Ohio State University that can't when championships or beat an SEC team. That should keep them quiet for a while.

9-11 Conspiracy Theory Buffs Don't Need No Stinkin' Science

Last night, while watching some good ol' American football, William called me with a great idea for a new feature on Dink & Flika - Make Fun of 9-11 Conspiracy Buffs. This fantastic idea was spawned from The History Channel's 9-11 Conspiracies: Fact or Fiction. The show picks random 9-11 conspiracies (just Google "9-11 Conspiracy" and you will be inundated with examples), has the proponents explain why they believe in said conspiracy, and then it has experts (engineers, actual investigators, etc.) explain why the conspiracy is wrong.

Basically, it comes down to this - the conspiracy buffs first convince themselves that 9-11 was an inside job and then proceed to select the evidence that reinforces that belief. They routinely discard or simply ignore the scientific facts that would readily disprove whatever theory they're hopelessly clinging to.

For this inaugural feature, I selected a filmmaker highlighted on last night's show. I don't remember her name, the name of the movie, or what exactly was her job on the movie. And since a 2 minute Google search provided no further insight, I gave up on research. Which, interesting enough, is probably the same amount of research she put into her conspiracy theory before believing it's as true as water being wet.

Anyway, film lady, after watching the footage of the Twin Towers falling, determined that the towers fell entirely too quick. She is not a structural engineer, nor was she involved in the investigation of the collapse. Rather, she just felt it happened too quick. To test this hypothesis, she pulled out a little-known footnote to Newton's Law of Gravity - I'm paraphrasing here - the speed at which a floor of a 110-story building falls is exactly the time it takes to say "Clickity-clack." (Side note: I am not making any of this up.) To test how long it would take a 110-story building to fall using the footnote to Newton's Law of Gravity, she had a "major Republican" say "clickity-clack" 100 times. It took over 3 minutes - significantly longer than the 15 seconds or so it took the towers to fall.

You might want to read that paragraph again - sometimes things that stupid need to be read twice to really comprehend the lack of intelligence. I'm not sure why a "major Republican" needed to used in the testing - unless they say "clickity-clack" more accurately than a "major Democrat". I don't know.

On a completely different note - sorry for not posting today. I had to drive to Raleigh for my paying job, and, thus, was away from the computer all day. I promise to do better tomorrow, or something....