Buzz o' the Week

I'm proud to introduce a new feature here on D&F - Buzz o' the Week. Each week, I will bring you one adult beverage that I think you should try. And if you have a recommendation or would like for me to design the perfect version of a cocktail for you, let me know.

For the inaugural post (and because it's summer), I'm going to go with the Mojito. First, a little history - the Mojito is Cuban. And that concludes the history lesson.

Just to let you know - this drink recipe and most of the mixed drink recipes I will feature are the result of my wife and I trying the drink at a restaurant, and then either trying to make it better because we didn't like it or replicate the recipe because we did. The Mojito is a case of the former.

Katie despises sugary drinks, so that translates to not using pre-made mixes. It also means there's a trial and error process to get the proportions right, and sometimes that can get ugly (maybe at a later date and time, I will tell everyone about the night Bobby and Katie consumed an entire fifth of rum...by themselves).

Anyway, the ultimate result of not using pre-made mixes is a fresher tasting cocktail that highlights the natural flavors of the ingredients, rather than the Kool-aid type fruit flavor of the mix. It should be noted that the cocktail is to be enjoyed for it's taste and slight social lubrication qualities. In no way does D&F condone excessive drinking....except on St. Patrick's Day.

Enough with the commentary. Let's get down to business. While it's not required, I highly recommend securing a muddler. You can use the handle of a wooden spoon as a substitute, but I'm a stickler for using the right tool for the job.

The Ingredients:
- 3 slices of lime
- 8-10 mint leaves (for more mint taste, use more mint leaves)
- 1 tsp sugar
- 3 shots light Rum (1 shot = 1.5 oz)
- Club soda

The Process:
- Place mint leaves into a pint glass; then the lime, and finally the sugar. It's important to go in this order to reduce random tiny mint pieces in the final product
- Muddle (aka - squish the limes and mix with the sugar)
- Add rum and stir
- Add enough ice so the glass is almost full with ice
- Fill with club soda and stir
- Serve.

If you do it right, you should produce a refreshing drink to sip on the back porch with your significant other. If you're single, you now have a surprisingly potent drink to hopefully turn the hot girl into your significant other. Not that I encourage that sort of thing....

Justice Wins Again

Over the past few weeks, we've seen some landmark court decisions - apparently, the US Constitution applies anywhere and everywhere, regardless of things like "other countries" or silly facts like launching an RPG at American forces; school districts can't implement race-based school assignments for children unless they really, really feel like it (another Justice Kennedy gem); and we can't forget that the 2nd Amendment really does mean an individual has the right to bear arms (if you're interested in that stuff, Scalia's opinion is brilliant, FYI).

But not until today did the US legal system really make a decision that readily impacts the everyday American. I speak, of course, of Janet Jackson's infamous wardrobe malfunction during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

To fill you in, the nipple-hating nerds at the FCC slapped CBS with a cool $550,000 fine. CBS, feeling that this was somewhat extreme, appealed the fine. Today, the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed the fine; thus establishing that nipples are as American as apple pie, and the FCC sucks.

I can't help but remember where I was when Justin ripped off Janet's shirt, and the world witnessed what a surgically-enhanced breast and nipple look like with a crazy sun thing around it. I was sitting in our company HQ in Baghdad at 4 in the morning, watching the Super Bowl halftime show live. Under normal circumstances (not in Iraq), I avoid the half-time show at all costs. But since I was in Iraq and there was literally nothing better to do, I watched it.

To be honest, I didn't realize what happened until 3 seconds after the fact. At which point I was really pissed that the Army did not see fit to issue me a TiVo with my M-16. Not that I have some weird fetish for Janet Jackson, but you've got to understand - after so long in the desert, surrounded by other guys, the slightest resemblance of heterosexual sex is enough to cause a minor riot.

Oh well - mark another "W" for the American people and freedom. Today, I sleep well knowing that shameless publicity stunts for upcoming tours and albums are protected by the Constitution.

Is This Really Necessary?

Instead of spending time and taxpayer money outlawing various unhealthy foods, why can't we outlaw people dressing like this in public:


Thanks for putting that image in my brain, Fox News. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go develop an eating disorder.

Al Gore Talks....A Lot.

I did an environment post a couple days ago, so I won't revisit the topic. I will, however, point you towards an Al Gore piece where he pretty much tells us that we're all going to die unless we start using rat urine to power our homes and cars. You can read it here if you have a spare 3 hours and like the sound of Al Gore's voice in your head.

Or, you can watch this clip of South Park where Al lets us know about the next big threat. Please to enjoy:

More Useless: Dirty Diaper or Career Politicians?

When did politicians approach to any issue become an all or nothing game? I think it's a result of the modern media and their OCD level obsession with reducing every story, issue, and news worthy event into a 30-second sound bite. It's impossible to explain the thousands of years of history, the geopolitical ramifications, and just the logistics of the Iraq War, let alone offer a practical solution in 30-seconds, so why does everyone in Washington insist upon trying?

As a result of this oversimplification, we are left with rigid politicians that steadfastly oppose anything that doesn't fit the 30-second sound bite model. Let's take a look at the current energy crisis as a framework. On one side, you have the Republicans who, for the most part, want to expand domestic exploration and drilling for oil. The 30-second sound bite is usually a Senator or Representative saying something about being held hostage by foreign oil and then repeating the word "drill" until the 30 seconds is up.

On the other side, you have the Democrats who tend to take the position that drilling for oil will not solve anything, and we should spend our time and money looking for and developing alternative fuel sources. The sound bite will include words like "carbon," "greenhouse gasses," "failed policies of the Bush administration," etc.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's call for expanded domestic oil exploration as a "diversionary tactic," while at the same time insisting that he open up the strategic oil reserve. For those of you playing at home, the strategic reserve is probably good for a 3-month supply of oil. When it runs out, not only will the US have to spend significantly more to replace the oil we used, but whatever effect releasing the supply had on the price of crude will immediately vanish. Yeah, that's totally not a diversionary tactic.

As nice as it is to think that the solution to high gas prices is a one-step fix (be it drilling or alternative fuels), the economy is entirely too complex for this problem to be solved overnight. It's going to take SEVERAL avenues of attack that incorporate both drilling for oil here in the States, searching for alternative fuels, and reducing the amount we use petroleum based products.

Despite what both sides are saying, if we were to throw all our effort at alternative sources, the products wouldn't be on the market tomorrow or even in the next few years, so to represent that the hydrogen car is only a couple billion of dollars away is completely misleading. Conversely, drilling for oil isn't going to reduce the price of gas immediately, but it will help prevent further price increases down the road.

To sit there and throw the political equivalent of a temper tantrum, refusing to explore any single option is irresponsible and demonstrates a complete lack of concern for the taxpayer. What it does show is unadulterated pandering to special interest groups, which will do nothing but pad the coffers of the politician and not solve the problem.

Global Warming Shenanigans

Whatever credibility the global warming movement - hang on, it's called climate change now, isn't it? That's right - since the temperature of the planet has actually dropped over the past several years, I guess the enviro-nazis had to modify their terminology less they look like a bunch of idiots.

So, let's try that again. Whatever credibility the "climate change" movement had with me is completely and utterly gone. Somewhere along the way, what started out as a legitimate question into mankind's impact on the environment turned into a religion where anything bad that happens to human civilization is attributed to the great evil of carbon dioxide - this belief pattern is similar to many a religion where the omnipotent deity punishes puny man for transgressions (sin leads to hell, Allah strikes deep into the belly of the infidel, etc). Additionally, the church of climate change requires faith in things that cannot or have yet to be conclusively proven (consensus is not proof, FYI). For an excellent commentary on this, check out Michael Crichton's speech.

Today, I bring you two ridiculous examples of people blaming things on global warming / climate change that blow right past the edge of reason into complete and utter hysteria.

First up - the fine staff at the University of Texas Southwestern located in Dallas, TX. According to these doctors, if global warming trends projected by the crack team at the UN continue, then we're going to see a massive increase in kidney stones, particularly along the "kidney stone belt" (I'm not making that up) which seems to parallel the sun belt area.

To their credit, the doctors do use actual science in developing this theory. Apparently, when people move from cooler climates to warmer ones, there's an increased risk of kidney stones. The problem - the whole thing is based on flawed UN models. Couple that with the fact that the earth has actually been cooling, and I'm going to have to call shenanigans on this one.

Next up - idiotic Congressman from Massachusetts (that's kind of redundant, isn't it?). Rep. Edward Markey told a group of high school students visiting Washington, D.C. that global warming caused "Black Hawk Down." Actually, what he said was that global warming caused the drought, which created the Darfur crisis, which created famine, which led to the whole Somalia / Mogadishu conflict. Ignorant doesn't even begin to describe that.

The Darfur crisis and the Somalian crisis of the early 1990's were caused by war lords practicing widespread genocide and intentional starvation of the population. Black Hawk Down was caused by a bunch of these warlord's thugs shooting down helicopters with RPG's and the Clinton administration refusing to properly support the operation. Or, if you're brainwashed, "global warming."

My suggestion to the climate change believers - you should focus on conclusively proving your theory instead of running around blaming everything on it. Also, get out there and debate whether or not it is actually occuring. "Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is settled."*

* - Michael Crichton

You Turn Him Loose...You Turn Him Loose

There is an old Peruvian saying, "A person who represents himself has a fool for a client." The man in this video obviously did not take that saying to heart. I do not know the back story on this, but after watching the video I think I can figure out.

A man commits some type of crime, and decides not to spend the money on a lawyer but rather to invest that money in acting class and a new suit. He also manages to tell one of the witnesses that he has a plan to cause a mis-trial. When the time comes to cross examine a witness he decides it is time to show the ace up his sleeve. He asks the judge to excuse his behavior he just needs a second. When the judge doesn't respond he repeats it, then starts his acting. He fakes a heart attack and collapses on the floor. (Side note, if this is not the first time you have watched the video, watch the guy on the far right side, he has no reaction when the man falls over.)

You have to give this guy credit though, even though he is called out by the judge as a faker he sticks with it, acting like he is passed out the whole time. Enjoy.

Forgive or Forget, Where Have You Gone?

For those of you who are uneducated when it comes to day time television there was no better show than Forgive or Forget hosted by Momma Love. The premise of the show was simple, when someone had either been hurt or hurt someone they came to the show looking for forgiveness. The other party had the option to come to the show and walk through the door, literally, they had a door they walked through to show they forgave the other person, or they would not show up and forget that person. It obviously was a whole lot better when the person did not walk through the door. The fact that the host of the show was named Momma Love made it that much better.

I think we should start a national campaign, that are becoming all the rage these days, and send the studios door knobs until they put Forgive or Forget back on the air. To get you ready to start sending those door knobs in here is a sample of Forgive or Forget:

A little back story; Tina used to weigh 275 pounds, but lost 100 pounds with Gastric Bypass Surgery. She had a good "friend" Vinny who would constantly ridicule her and call her fat. To save you some time skip to the 3:58 mark. Vinny has to be considered for Friend of the Year after you hear him talk.

Good News: Barack Has a Plan!

Just so we're all on the same page, Barack is now re-affirming his promise to end the Iraq War within 16-months of taking office. This may seem like a blatantly obvious statement, but with the antics of last week, I wasn't sure if Obama was getting ready to Obama-nate on his promise to lead America to defeat.

It took a little longer than I expected, but Obama has formally responded to last week's news that Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki wants a timetable for the withdrawal of American forces. And surprise, surprise - Obama thinks it's a smashing idea. The New York Times graciously lent their Op-Ed page for the response.

Here are the highlights:

- In an effort to tell the 3 people who didn't know this, Barack starts off by reminding us AGAIN that he has opposed the war since the beginning. While not 100% accurate, we'll let him play this little game. In terms of relevance, however, what he thought about the war 5 years ago is completely useless. But he opposed it. In case you didn't know.

- Then Obama actually says that the "surge" is working. But immediately reverts back to his root programming, and says that "...the same factors that led me to oppose the surge still hold true..." Um, I'm confused. Why is he praising the accomplishments of the surge while saying that he still opposes it? Does anyone actually read that and think it makes sense?

- Obama is going to "...consult with commanders on the ground and the Iraqi government to ensure that our troops were redeployed safely, and our interests protected." I wonder what the commanders on the ground have to say. Fortunately, ABC news has answered that question already. They say it's not a good idea and a logistical nightmare. No worries though - the Obamacons will hope and change their way through those pesky logistical details.

- And what Democratic plan is complete without the promise of large sums of money? Yep, Obama will pledge $2 billion to help the Iraqi refugees. So if you're keeping track of all the money Barack is planning on spending once he gets into office, that $2 billion pretty much ensures a tax of rate of 40%+ for everyone who isn't on welfare.

There's other fun little tidbits in Barack's column, but you get the idea. The recurring phrase Obama seems to have latched onto is "end this war." Well, there's only two ways to end a war. Option A - win by beating the other guy so bad that he no longer has the capability or will to fight; Option B - quit early and give the other guy a chance to rebuild his forces.

To kind of hammer that last point home, check out this article by Michael Barone. He draws some comparisons between Truman and the Berlin Airlift and Bush's commitment to the mission in Iraq.

Summer Movie Update: 1-1-1

Andrew and I went and saw Wanted this past weekend. This makes the third summer movie I've seen this season, and here's the latest standings:

1 Win - Iron Man; When Stark was drinking scotch in a HMMWV while driving to a missile test in Afghanistan, I knew the movie would rock.

1 Loss - The Happening; I'm still mad at Andrew for making me watch this movie. I have a couple rules when it comes to going to movies, and one of the big ones is if Marky Mark is expected to act like anything other than a tough guy / meat head, then it's going to be a waste of time. I should have followed my own rules.

1 Tie - Wanted; to be honest, this was a borderline loss, and I knew that going in. But, I made Andrew buy my ticket (HA!), and I got to see what I'm pretty sure was a body double for Angelina Jolie naked from behind with all sorts of cool tattoos. Also, I heard Morgan Freeman's character drop the MF bomb. There's just something inherently funny about the narrator for March of the Penguins saying "Shoot this M----- F-----". If I was in charge of the academy, he would definitely get a nod for best supporting actor for that one line. So when you add those factors in, I can't say that I didn't somewhat enjoy the overall experience.

However, Wanted was a predictable summer action flick. The gun play and magic bullet camera tricks were fun at first, but got old quick. And when I can guess how the movie is going to end 20 minutes into it, writers need to try a little harder.

I'm still debating whether or not to see Hancock, and in all likelihood, it's going to be relegated to rental status. This upcoming Friday, The Dark Knight arrives, and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping it will make this summer movie season a winning one for your truly.

And since I neglected to post a video on Friday, here's a little love to start your Monday off right. Please to enjoy:

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term? UPDATE!

And now we have video of the incident as well as some commentary from the offended parties.

Click here for the video of the incident.

Click here for the original story to get the background.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have stop thinking about this before my head explodes.

Rule #1 When Leaving Comments

This is not directed or intended for the readers of D&F. For the most part, the 13 regular readers we have leave good comments and tend to stay away from making broad generalizations. For sites and blogs that have thousands of readers, it's a different story. Go read any political story. You won't get 3 comments in without someone (Conservative or Liberal) throwing some basless stereotype out there and not backing it up with any facts.

Of course I have an example. We have standards here at D&F, after all.

ABC news, in a shocking break from tradition, actually decided to do a little reporting on Barack's policies and ideas. Although, since Obama is setting up yet another policy change on Iraq, ABC News could be laying the ground work and prepping the masses for the inevitable reality that the US is not leaving Iraq anytime soon. But that's not the focus here.

Sure enough, the comments section turns into the political equivalent of a "Your mama so fat..." trash talking competition. And we get this little gem:

"You Rightwingers are a joke! Your the worst Americans ever! And the dumbest! McCain is not fit too be President let alone dog catcher! He's senile,has a bad temper and loves lobbiests,the rich and big corporations. Besides he wants to bomb,bomb, Iran and have wars forever! John McCain is also bad for the economy and the middle class. He's just plain wrong for America!"

Listen up people - if you're going to start your comment off with calling people "the dumbest" anything, spell check your comment. Because nothing says "I'm a complete moron" better than misspelling simple words and mixing up "your" and "you're."

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term?

From the Dallas City Hall Blog:

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

That's it. This racist BS has gone entirely too far. I'm not sure what qualifies someone to be a Dallas city Commissioner, but based on this little interchange, one only has to pass pre-school and have a 3-yeard old's understanding of the universe.

What's more shocking is that a judge - someone entrusted to interpret the laws of Texas - is stupid enough to believe "black hole" is a racial slur.

According to the article, Mayfield shot back that a "black hole" is a science term, but stopped short of trying to explain what the singularity is. If I were in his shoes, I would have gone with something like, "Well, at least it's not a brown hole like the sanitation department."

And what the hell kind of come back is, "it's a white hole" anyway? Price might as well have gone with the "I'm rubber and you're glue" approach.

IDIOTS!

Is Every Other Feminist Problem Solved?

I'm not naive and ignorant enough to believe that the battle of the sexes is over and that every man and woman in America is on the same playing field when it comes to job opportunities and compensation.

Having said that, we have come along way, and while there are still some parts of the professional American world that are clearly dominated by males, females have little trouble gaining access to those fields and receiving competitive pay.The point is that we, as a society, have made significant progress since the bra burning days of the 60's.

We've made so much progress here in America, that I think the old warriors of the feminist movement have kind of run out things to complain about. For example, magazine editor Cynthia Good recently went on a hell-bent crusade to get the city of Atlanta to change all the "Men at work" and "Men Working" signs to reflect that women are working on the roads as well.

Of course, this is quite the trivial victory in the battle of the sexes. I can't help but think that Cynthia's time, effort, and position as a "woman's magazine editor" would be better spent fighting for women's rights in countries that continue to treat women as second class citizens.

You know - places like Saudi Arabia or any other traditional Muslim country where female castration is still practiced. Or how about Africa where men think having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS (I'm not making that up).

At the end of the day, this is the United States, and if Cynthia thinks that changing some words on road signs and making the city of Atlanta spend thousands of dollars doing so will further the feminist movement, then more power to her. Personally, between driving, talking on the cell phone, dealing with the idiot drivers in Atlanta, the traffic in Atlanta, I really don't think the driving population of the city is a) going to notice the change or b) if they do notice, it's not going to inspire any sort of further action.

Oh well.

Sex Columnist: Not Just For Sluts!

So Foxnews.com has themselves a sex columnist. And because I'm usually bored out of mind at work, I end up reading whatever Yvonne K. Fulbright has to say. As a result, I've become convinced that in order to become a sex columnist, all you have to do is sleep around....a lot. Here's a snipet from the latest Foxnews FOXSEXpert (I didn't make that name up):

How many sexual partners have you had? If this were an actual survey, would you lie about it? The discussion often comes up during the beginning stages of dating, and apparently a lot of people are lying about their numbers.

My god in heaven. Stop the presses You're telling me people lie about their sexual conquests to complete strangers? Please tell me Ms. Fulbright is getting paid a ridiculous amount of money to bring this previously unknown fact to light. She is? Good. I can sleep tonight.

In honor of this Pulitzer-prize winning journalism, I bring you this classic Onion piece:

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Lisbet "Lizzie" Gilchrist, a second-year undergraduate at Penn State University, told reporters that she has the makings of a good sex-advice columnist Monday.

No Need to See New Cohen Film

Yesterday, we commented on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. Today, we comment on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. But not tomorrow - I can see what's happening, and so I am placing a self-imposed two post limit on this latest Cohen project.

According to The Smoking Gun.com:

JULY 8--Lured by $1 beer and the prospect of "hot chicks" and "hardcore fights," thousands of Arkansans were duped last month into appearing as extras in comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's latest staged mayhem. Cohen and his confederates organized cage fighting programs on consecutive days in Texarkana and Fort Smith. Both cards ended with two male grapplers (one was identified as "Straight Dave" and wore camouflage) tearing each other's clothes off and, while in underwear, kissing down their opponent's chest.

Two comments and then the self-imposed limit begins.

1. According to IMDB, this movie isn't being released until May of 2009. If the past two days are any indicator, we can expect weekly, if not daily, updates on Sacha's pranks over the next 10 months. Basically, if you pay attention to entertainment news, you will be able to accurately predict 90% of what will be in the movie. You know how some movies show all the funny parts in the preview? Same thing except it will last FOREVER!

Combine this with the same sort of parroting that followed the Borat movie, and you can skip seeing the movie all together. You'll have the plot (if there is one) basics from all this "news" and your friends will fill you in on the funny details...ad nauseum. You're welcome - I just saved you $10 ($20 if you get popcorn and a drink).

2. This obviously is a viral marketing campaign, and yes, D&F is now part of it. I've got to hand it to the brainiacs in Hollywood. Based on the sort of crap that's been green lighted over the past 10 years, I would have thought a bunch of Down-Syndrome monkeys with an Etch-a-Sketch were producing everything. Now I know that those monkeys apparently know how to manipulate the mass media, which really shouldn't be a surprise seeing that the mass media is run by lobotomized monkeys.

German Scientists: Smart as 11-year Olds

From Breitbart.com:

The dangerous rise in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere may be troubling scientists and world leaders but it could prove to be a boon for plants, German researchers said Tuesday.

Thanks, German scientists. I learned that carbon dioxide was good for plants back in 5th grade. You see, plants breathe CO2 like humans breathe oxygen. And interestingly enough, a by-product of photosynthesis is oxygen (just like a by-product of human breathing is CO2).

According to the article, the German scientists have developed a follow-up theory that sun light and warm temperatures are good for plants as well.

I thought Germans were supposed to be good at science? Einstein was German, right?

Airline Uses Classic Road Trip Threat

We've all been involved in this scenario in one capacity or another. A family is riding along to some destination (presumably fun, like Six Flags* or Disney World), and the kids in the back are getting unruly.

One sibling has violated the sovereign boundaries of the other siblings back seat space (clearly marked by the middle seat belt). Wet-willy attacks are increasing at an exponential rate. And the parents in the front seat are contemplating running into those water barrel things at exits just to make the insanity stop.

Fortunately, the parents stop short of ramming traffic control devices and opt for the classic threat: "If you kids don't stop [insert annoying kid thing here], so help me God, I'm going to turn this car around." And if you're childhood was anything like mine, the car got turned around A LOT.

It appears that this particular technique is not exclusive to family vacation road trips. American Airlines cancelled an entire flight because the passengers had become "verbally agitated and hostile." The flight crew, afraid for their safety and not wanting to deal with a bunch of whiny passengers, refused to fly. Thus, the flight was cancelled.

* - Not Six Flags Over Georgia though. They have evil rides that remove peoples' heads.

People You Don't Mess With

Welcome back. I trust everyone had a good Fourth of July. We'll start the week off with a D&F Public Service Announcement.

There's just some things you don't do. No matter how funny or entertaining they might be, in the interest of self preservation, you don't do them. Here's a brief (but not inclusive list):

- Wrestle a baby bear - the mom is nearby, and while the little cub may seem fun and a pretty easy match up, the pissed off mama bear is going to rip your face off and most likely use it as TP - like the Charmin bears, except less cute and a hell of alot more painful.

- Agree to do any show on MTV - there's only two options if you're on MTV. One, you're chemically imbalanced and have been selected because the slightest insult will trigger a psychotic rampage which will ultimately end with you in anger management and / or rehab; two, you'll become the target of the aforementioned psychotic episode and, as a result of the attack, develop your own chemical imbalance (and dependency) and then flip out. It's a vicious cycle.

- Not running after hearing the words, "Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. What are you doing here?"

Well, we can add another one to the list: messing with the Israeli intelligence service as part of your new movie. Sacha Baren Cohen's (you may know him as Borat) latest movie is pretty much the same thing as Borat, except now he is a gay German designer named Bruno. The hijinks will ensure.

Anyway, "Bruno" secures an interview with a former Mossad official. You know - the people who hunted down and promptly killed anyone that had anything to do with the 1972 murder of Israeli Olympians (go rent Munich for more detail). Also, the entire Israeli military is bad ass. They've won every war they've ever been in, which includes multiple victories over the same countries (just ask Egypt).

So, in addition to the things mentioned above, D&F recommends that you NOT insult or use someone who has access to highly trained professional assassins during the course of your new movie. While it may seem like a good idea and will probably make people laugh, it's just not worth having your ass beat by a pissed off Jewish secret agent.

This guy just watched "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Fortunately, he thought it was pretty good, so Judd Apatow is only getting a warning shot.

What is this? A Union job?

No, it's the 4th of July. We'll be back in force on Monday (maybe Sunday, if I get inspired). In the mean time, if you're looking for a little patriotic reading lesson, check out this article from American Thinker.

Have a good 4th of July!

Hypersensitive Muslims SUCK!

In the Scottish town of Tayside, the local police setup an advertising campaign to educate people on a new non-emergency phone number for the police:


The puppy is a German Shepherd police dog trainee. He's cute, in case you didn't notice. Well, he's cute to normal people. To a group of jerk face Muslims in Tayside, this poster might as have Mohammad giving two thumbs up to Brokeback Mountain.

In yet another reason why Islam sucks, apparently dogs are considered inherently unclean. And the mere picture of a dog is enough to cause outrage in the Muslim world. Is there anything that just mildly irritates a Muslim? Or is it all or nothing with the Religion of Peace? You're either on the good side of Allah, or you're a name on some suicide bomber's to do list.

In response to the outrage, the Tayside police have put up new posters and postcards in the Muslim parts of the town:

Bulldozer Attack?

From Reuters.com:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A Palestinian rammed a bulldozer into an Israeli commuter bus, cars and pedestrians on one of Jerusalem's busiest streets on Wednesday, killing at least three people and wounding dozens, emergency services said.

First off, the perpetual violence in the Middle East is one of man kind's worst failures. People have been fighting over various parts of this world for over 2,000 years. And to be perfectly honest - there's nothing special about it. It's a friggin' desert. Sure, there's billions of dollars in oil under the sand, but once that is gone, what's the attraction? Nothing.

Having said that, the best a Palestinian could come up with is a bulldozer attack? This sounds like a truth or dare contest turned bad. That, or this particular Palestinian didn't have the cojones to strap on a suicide bomb and fulfill Allah's will like a real man. No 72 virgins for this guy. He can expect a fat post-op tranny that smells like BO and bacon upon his entry into whatever Allah calls heaven.

And what's up with the bus driver not getting out of the way? It's not like bulldozers are high-speed vehicles or even turn quickly. Again, it's tragic, but being sick and twisted, I couldn't help thinking of this classic scene from Austin Powers:

The British Don't Understand 'Prank War'

Ah, the prank war - what better way to waste time at work than come up with elaborate schemes to make a friend look stupid and / or embarrassed? You and your designated opponent spend countless hours and energy trying to out-prank the other - sending stripper grams, changing the desktop picture on his computer, sending anonymous e-mails strongly recommending a battery of STD tests. The possibilities are endless. And thanks to the Internet, there's always a good idea floating out there.

If there's one thing you don't do during a prank war, you involve the authorities. If you can't come up with an appropriate response to the latest prank, then you are bound by the International Prank War Convention to admit defeat and request a truce. Depending on the circumstances, your defeat may involve purchasing many rounds of beer.

This may seem like common sense to you and me, but to a British man who was obviously in the midst of a prank war, he opted to drop the equivalent of a thermonuclear weapon in the middle of a prank war - he sued his buddy and got the legal system involved. In official prank war terminology, this is called "being a dick."

Here's a brief synopsis of what happened - someone signed Matthew Firsht up for Facebook and changed a couple details - like his sexual orientation. Instead of responding with another prank, Matthew opted to sue the guy. Thanks to the show Friends, we have a textbook example of what the appropriate response should have been in this case (the clip is 9 minutes long):

Craigslist Wanted Post: Spencer Pratt Ass-Whooping Tape

I take no pride in knowing who Spencer Pratt is. In fact, I find it quite embarrassing that not only do I know his name, I know way more about his life than I ever cared to know. I blame my wife for this, and yes, we are seeking counseling for it.

Anyway, now that Spencer and his idiocy have penetrated my consciousness, I've decided that the next big thing for celebrities to do is have an ass-whooping tape. And, naturally, I've designated Spencer as the inaugural celebrity.

You see, the sex tape thing is old. In fact, it's become an automatic assumption in the American mind that if you have been on TV or even know someone famous, you have a sex tape. No more will anyone in America be surprised at celebrity sex tape. You can thank Vern Troyer for killing that one.

So, to replace the steroid affects of the sex tape (it's been proven to promote C and D list celebrities up to B or even A list), I propose videos of celebrities getting the snot beat out of them, and who better to start it than Spencer? Right - no one.

Legally, I can't say that I will pay money to see someone kick Spencer's ass, but let's just say that your good deed will not go unnoticed. I may even be able to get you eternal consciousness on your death bed.

And yes, I did post this on Craigslist.

Who in the Hell Buys This Crap?

I'll preface this by admitting that I am not a father, and, therefore, do not know all that goes into caring and raising a baby in today's world. However, I do have extensive baby sitting experience, and my wife and I are the ONLY couple in our immediate circle of friends without a baby / child, so I feel comfortable saying I am familiar, at least, with the basics of modern childcare.

Still, I'm amazed at the sort of gadgets one receives when expecting. Furthermore, I would be seriously pressed to assemble and properly work said gadgets. I once saw all the pieces of a breast pump, and I thought we were getting ready to perform triple bypass surgery. Those handy car seats that also fit into strollers and 13 other mounts? I couldn't even properly strap the kid in.

Despite the complexity, I can usually determine the usefulness of it - even the diaper genie, which is nothing more than a glorified trash can with a couple extra springs - serves a purpose. Nobody likes their room to smell like a used diaper.

And then you have this: a baby wipes warmer. I would not know of this ridiculous piece of plastic had my brother Sean and his wife Christie (who are expecting) not told me of it. I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of "if I didn't have it growing up, then neither should anyone else." For whatever reason, the child care industry in the late 1970's hadn't thought of warming baby wipes. Thus, I was subjected to endless torture sessions when a cold baby wipe would be applied to my nether region. The horror....

Of course, the argument could be made that a big reason why I am so surly and sarcastic today is because my parents neglected to warm the baby wipes to a pleasing temperature prior to cleaning me up. And why would anyone willingly unleash someone like me on an otherwise unsuspecting population?

As always, I digress. I'm going to lump this product in with the absolutely useless likes of presciption mood stabilizers for pets (and pet psychology for that matter). It's also a sign of our country's success when people are paid to come up with crap like this instead of worrying whether or not the re-elected President is going to steal your farm and give it to poor people.

WTF?

In honor of the state of North Carolina offering a recall on license plates that begin with the letters "WTF", I bring you this lovely story from the Fatherland:

From Reuters.com:

BERLIN (Reuters) A woman trying to make "manure bombs" using stockings, slipped into a slurry tank and fled the scene naked, German police said Friday.

The story doesn't go into why the woman and her accomplice were attempting to make manure bombs, but the popular theory is that it had something to do with Germany winning a soccer game.

As for fleeing the scene naked - well, what's more embarrassing - being drenched in cow manure or being naked? It's a tough choice.

Have a great weekend. We'll see you on Monday.

How I Love Thee, How It's Made

Last week, I updated my status on Facebook to: "Bobby is watching How It's Made. What is wrong him?"* You see, I love watching How It's Made. I will most likely never use the vast majority of the products featured on this wonderful program, but that doesn't stop me from turning it on virtually every night to see how those kooky Canadians make stuff.**

In response to my status, faithful D&F-er John B. offered this insight:

So, here's the thing about "How's it Made." It's a very dry show and bores the tears out of all wives....everyone of them. Sends them running for them there hills. That's why its a great show. Oh, and there's just something about knowing exactly how to make foil (just in case you need to make some for yourself out in the wild).

You might need to read that again to really appreciate the universal truthfulness of the statement. Katie absolutely despises "How It's Made." She will be sitting comfortably in our living room, reading a book or whatever it is she does while trying to ignore me. I will be flipping channels and find my beloved HIM***, and Katie will promptly leave the room and start cooking dinner / cleaning / laundry. She hates doing laundry, so she must really hate HIM.

Of course, John B's insight begs the question - why do women hate HIM so much? Using my wife as a model for the entire female population (which is a totally acceptable assumption), I've come to the conclusion that women are hard wired to like all things silly, nonsensical, and idiotic. And conversely, they dislike any television programming that is useful.

For example, Katie LOVES shows like The Hills, The Real World, anything on Bravo!, and pretty much any award show no matter how B-list****. Basically, if it involves vapid retards running around overreacting to otherwise mundane problems, Katie deems it good television. I, on the other hand, believe watching such crap actually makes you dumber. And as I've already said, she hates the educational TV (regardless of the subject matter).

Thanks to John B. for decoding that little piece of the Universe. Since learning of this truth, I have programmed the DVR to keep at least 2 episodes of HIM recorded at all times. This way, I can guarantee myself 45 minutes of Katie-free time whenever I want. Brilliant!

* - Proper Facebook etiquette demands that one always refers to himself / herself in the third person when updating one's status.

** - If you pay close enough attention, you'll notice that some of the products are labeled in French, and very few of the name brands are American. Thus, I deduced that How It's Made features crazy Canucks.

*** - Totally not gay acronym

**** - Naturally, this includes the two weeks of pre show coverage on E! and all the gay men grouping big breasts you can handle.

Friday Video Post on Thursday!

Because this is so friggin' funny, I decided to post it today. WARNING - There is some adult language, so if you're at work, use the headphones.

Please to enjoy:


Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Shocking Headline of the Day

From the AP's My Way News:

Barack Obama buzz sweeps through the BET Awards

Why is this news? Is there one, single person out there who thought that the people attending the BET Awards or even the people watching the BET Awards would be supporting John McCain?

Perhaps even less shocking is P. Diddy modifying his idiotic mantra of "Vote or Die" to "Obama or Die." Why hasn't some college given P. Diddy an honorary doctorate in political science yet? Dr. Diddy - I like the sound of it.

There was one thing that did catch me by surprise - BET stopped showing infomercials long enough to actually air the award ceremony.

Judge: Duke Football Is The Worst Team....EVER!

Every college football program out there tries to schedule a couple gimme games each year. The football program at Duke has been an AD favorite for years and years. Not only does it give more quality win points than a victory against a D-II team, but the typical jock loves the notion of beating up the smart rich kids that go to Duke.

And that's what the University of Louisville thought they had. UL had signed a contract with Duke to play four times between 2002 and 2009 - the first game was played in Durham in 2003 (the Cardinals destroyed the Blue Devils 40-3), and the final 3 games were scheduled for the 2007, 2008, and 2009 seasons. However, after being effectively emasculated at home, Duke decided it was tired of being a whipping boy and backed out of the contract.

Louisville, not wanting to give up such an easy opponent, sued for breach of contract. A Kentucky judge ruled in favor of Duke, sighting the fact that the Duke Blue Devil football club is the worst team in the history of football.

According to the contract, in the event of Duke's withdrawal, they would be responsible for finding a "team of similar stature" or face a $150,000 per game penalty - that's a total of $450,000 for those of you playing at home. Duke's lawyers argued that Duke is so bad that in order to find a "team of similar stature", the NCAA would have to allow a local Pop Warner football team to play Louisville. Obviously, this raises significant concerns for the safety of the 10-12 year olds that would be playing the Cardinals. The judge, not wanting to be responsible for the mass paralyzing of an entire little league football team, ruled that any other college team would do instead.

Do you think this is legal equivalent of the "Good Sportsmanship Award" little kids get when they're on the worst team in the league? The judge obviously feels for the Blue Devils and their horrible 6-45 record over the past 5 years. I'm going to have to agree with him. Losing 40-3 at home is flat out embarrassing. Add that to Duke's record of 13-90 since 1999, and it's a wonder that the Duke players could even muster the spirit to put on the uniform each Saturday.

Oh well. Duke has themselves a new coach - David Cutcliffe of Ole Miss and Tennessee fame. So maybe they can get 2 wins this year - they beat Northwestern for their only win last year, FYI.