Summer Movie Update: 1-1-1

Andrew and I went and saw Wanted this past weekend. This makes the third summer movie I've seen this season, and here's the latest standings:

1 Win - Iron Man; When Stark was drinking scotch in a HMMWV while driving to a missile test in Afghanistan, I knew the movie would rock.

1 Loss - The Happening; I'm still mad at Andrew for making me watch this movie. I have a couple rules when it comes to going to movies, and one of the big ones is if Marky Mark is expected to act like anything other than a tough guy / meat head, then it's going to be a waste of time. I should have followed my own rules.

1 Tie - Wanted; to be honest, this was a borderline loss, and I knew that going in. But, I made Andrew buy my ticket (HA!), and I got to see what I'm pretty sure was a body double for Angelina Jolie naked from behind with all sorts of cool tattoos. Also, I heard Morgan Freeman's character drop the MF bomb. There's just something inherently funny about the narrator for March of the Penguins saying "Shoot this M----- F-----". If I was in charge of the academy, he would definitely get a nod for best supporting actor for that one line. So when you add those factors in, I can't say that I didn't somewhat enjoy the overall experience.

However, Wanted was a predictable summer action flick. The gun play and magic bullet camera tricks were fun at first, but got old quick. And when I can guess how the movie is going to end 20 minutes into it, writers need to try a little harder.

I'm still debating whether or not to see Hancock, and in all likelihood, it's going to be relegated to rental status. This upcoming Friday, The Dark Knight arrives, and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping it will make this summer movie season a winning one for your truly.

And since I neglected to post a video on Friday, here's a little love to start your Monday off right. Please to enjoy:

People You Don't Mess With

Welcome back. I trust everyone had a good Fourth of July. We'll start the week off with a D&F Public Service Announcement.

There's just some things you don't do. No matter how funny or entertaining they might be, in the interest of self preservation, you don't do them. Here's a brief (but not inclusive list):

- Wrestle a baby bear - the mom is nearby, and while the little cub may seem fun and a pretty easy match up, the pissed off mama bear is going to rip your face off and most likely use it as TP - like the Charmin bears, except less cute and a hell of alot more painful.

- Agree to do any show on MTV - there's only two options if you're on MTV. One, you're chemically imbalanced and have been selected because the slightest insult will trigger a psychotic rampage which will ultimately end with you in anger management and / or rehab; two, you'll become the target of the aforementioned psychotic episode and, as a result of the attack, develop your own chemical imbalance (and dependency) and then flip out. It's a vicious cycle.

- Not running after hearing the words, "Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. What are you doing here?"

Well, we can add another one to the list: messing with the Israeli intelligence service as part of your new movie. Sacha Baren Cohen's (you may know him as Borat) latest movie is pretty much the same thing as Borat, except now he is a gay German designer named Bruno. The hijinks will ensure.

Anyway, "Bruno" secures an interview with a former Mossad official. You know - the people who hunted down and promptly killed anyone that had anything to do with the 1972 murder of Israeli Olympians (go rent Munich for more detail). Also, the entire Israeli military is bad ass. They've won every war they've ever been in, which includes multiple victories over the same countries (just ask Egypt).

So, in addition to the things mentioned above, D&F recommends that you NOT insult or use someone who has access to highly trained professional assassins during the course of your new movie. While it may seem like a good idea and will probably make people laugh, it's just not worth having your ass beat by a pissed off Jewish secret agent.

This guy just watched "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Fortunately, he thought it was pretty good, so Judd Apatow is only getting a warning shot.

Who in the Hell Buys This Crap?

I'll preface this by admitting that I am not a father, and, therefore, do not know all that goes into caring and raising a baby in today's world. However, I do have extensive baby sitting experience, and my wife and I are the ONLY couple in our immediate circle of friends without a baby / child, so I feel comfortable saying I am familiar, at least, with the basics of modern childcare.

Still, I'm amazed at the sort of gadgets one receives when expecting. Furthermore, I would be seriously pressed to assemble and properly work said gadgets. I once saw all the pieces of a breast pump, and I thought we were getting ready to perform triple bypass surgery. Those handy car seats that also fit into strollers and 13 other mounts? I couldn't even properly strap the kid in.

Despite the complexity, I can usually determine the usefulness of it - even the diaper genie, which is nothing more than a glorified trash can with a couple extra springs - serves a purpose. Nobody likes their room to smell like a used diaper.

And then you have this: a baby wipes warmer. I would not know of this ridiculous piece of plastic had my brother Sean and his wife Christie (who are expecting) not told me of it. I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of "if I didn't have it growing up, then neither should anyone else." For whatever reason, the child care industry in the late 1970's hadn't thought of warming baby wipes. Thus, I was subjected to endless torture sessions when a cold baby wipe would be applied to my nether region. The horror....

Of course, the argument could be made that a big reason why I am so surly and sarcastic today is because my parents neglected to warm the baby wipes to a pleasing temperature prior to cleaning me up. And why would anyone willingly unleash someone like me on an otherwise unsuspecting population?

As always, I digress. I'm going to lump this product in with the absolutely useless likes of presciption mood stabilizers for pets (and pet psychology for that matter). It's also a sign of our country's success when people are paid to come up with crap like this instead of worrying whether or not the re-elected President is going to steal your farm and give it to poor people.

Seriously...Monday...Again????

These weekends are entirely too short. Plus, I spent most of the weekend working on the house. While it's actually enjoyable and somewhat relaxing to do this, it's still work which prevents me from doing my normal weekend activity of doing absolutely nothing (and drinking...No, I don't have a problem!). Of course, we're still a couple months away from football season, so it's not like there's anything on television anyway.

I'm trying to avoid as many political posts, but every now and then I hear something from someone in politics that reassures my faith in the democratic system; and I think it's worthy of passing on. Last week, Obama changed the Presidential Seal as a marketing gimmick, and he also did a preemptive "Republicans are being racist" attack.

In response, Lt. Colonel Alan West - who is running for Florida's 22nd district Congressional seat - had this to say about Obama's preemptive strike:

"My advice to Senator Obama is to run as a Man and Leader, and the American people will evaluate you as such, not as a victim. This is a Presidential race, based solely on a capacity to lead the United States of America. It is not about skin tone...however, perhaps we should come to expect these immature statements.

It also seems rather humorous that the Presidential candidate who was supposed to be such a "uniter" and transcend race is the one talking about it the most. If Senator Obama was confident in his abilities and character, he would not need to create a crutch for failure. Senator Obama has just tipped his hand, any criticism of him and his policies will be directly attributed to racism. I congratulate Senator Obama for taking race relations in America back some 30 years."

Lt. Col West - First off, thank you for your service. Second, I don't know anything about you or your campaign, but your statement indicates an intelligence and honesty in politics that is extremely rare. I hope your campaign follows suit. Good luck in the election.

Check out Lt. Colonel West's campaign website: Allen West for Congress.

I seriously hope to see more of this gentleman in the future of our country.