Top Baby Names 2008

Since my wife and I are officially the last couple to not have kids in our immediate circle of family and friends, we have been party to more than one baby naming ritual and even joined in on the fun ourselves. I've come to the conclusion that parents want to try and have a unique and meaningful name for their kid, which is understandable, but like so many other things in this world, good intentions often result in absolutely ridiculous and quite humorous results.

Most of you have heard of Knowshawn Moreno - he's the star running back for UGA. During last year's bowl season, the commentators saw fit to explain the origins of his name. Apparently, Shawn is a family name, and the mother wanted her son to be smart, so she simply put part of the word "knowledge" in there. Using this logic, I am initiating proceedings to change my name to "Big Johnson Money Bags" because I want to be rich and....you get the idea. I'll let you know how it turns out.

New Zealand appears to have a similar phenomenon. In fact, it's so bad that family court judges have stepped in and began undoing some rather interesting names. A judge made a 9-year old girl a ward of the state in order to change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii to something they won't tell us (to protect her identity, but sources tell me her new name is Princess Consuela Banana Hammock).

According to New Zealand law, "...names that would cause offense to a reasonable person..." are not allowed. Here are some of the names that have been rejected: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. However, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence made it through the review process.

I don't know about you, but I kinda like the sound of Yeah Detroit. And since we don't have the Stupid Name Review Bureau here in the States, you can go ahead and plan on there being a Yeah Detroit Sawyer running around in a few years.

Justice Wins Again

Over the past few weeks, we've seen some landmark court decisions - apparently, the US Constitution applies anywhere and everywhere, regardless of things like "other countries" or silly facts like launching an RPG at American forces; school districts can't implement race-based school assignments for children unless they really, really feel like it (another Justice Kennedy gem); and we can't forget that the 2nd Amendment really does mean an individual has the right to bear arms (if you're interested in that stuff, Scalia's opinion is brilliant, FYI).

But not until today did the US legal system really make a decision that readily impacts the everyday American. I speak, of course, of Janet Jackson's infamous wardrobe malfunction during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

To fill you in, the nipple-hating nerds at the FCC slapped CBS with a cool $550,000 fine. CBS, feeling that this was somewhat extreme, appealed the fine. Today, the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed the fine; thus establishing that nipples are as American as apple pie, and the FCC sucks.

I can't help but remember where I was when Justin ripped off Janet's shirt, and the world witnessed what a surgically-enhanced breast and nipple look like with a crazy sun thing around it. I was sitting in our company HQ in Baghdad at 4 in the morning, watching the Super Bowl halftime show live. Under normal circumstances (not in Iraq), I avoid the half-time show at all costs. But since I was in Iraq and there was literally nothing better to do, I watched it.

To be honest, I didn't realize what happened until 3 seconds after the fact. At which point I was really pissed that the Army did not see fit to issue me a TiVo with my M-16. Not that I have some weird fetish for Janet Jackson, but you've got to understand - after so long in the desert, surrounded by other guys, the slightest resemblance of heterosexual sex is enough to cause a minor riot.

Oh well - mark another "W" for the American people and freedom. Today, I sleep well knowing that shameless publicity stunts for upcoming tours and albums are protected by the Constitution.