Further Proof of Human Stupidity

I could simply write "reality television" and be done with this post, but we have standards here at D&F. For the most part, The Discovery Chanel and other documentary-heavy stations have decent reality programming, but like everything else in this world, there's an exception to prove every rule.

"It Takes a Thief" has two supposed ex-burglars break into people's home, steal their things, and ransack the place in an effort to show people how vulnerable they are to such an attack. My brother Andrew loves this show and is watching it pretty much every afternoon when I get home. Here's a universal synopsis for every episode of "It Takes a Thief" ever made: ex-thief breaks into home; homeowners come home and are somehow surprised that they have been robbed; "victims" watch tape of their home being robbed; "victims" get upset; "victims" get mad a thief; Discovery Chanel puts everything back in its place, cleans the house, and springs for a $1,000+ security system. Roll credits.

Here's my problem with it: the "victims" know they are going to get robbed. They give permission to have surveillance cameras put all over their house. They give pre-theft interviews. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers of the show give them a time frame for when the robbery will take place.

Yet, despite knowing all of this, these idiots still get visibly upset when they arrive back home and "discover" the robbery. The wives often cry and say something along the lines of being violated. The husbands make various threats of kicking someone's ass. The phrase, "I can't believe this is happening" is repeated ad nauseam. And the coup de grace - when the "victims" confront the "thief" they are mad and make feeble attempts to express this anger.

I've come to the sad conclusion that I am entirely too intelligent and well-balanced to be on any sort of reality TV or even Deal or No Deal.

We Need to Quit Assuming Scientists Are Smart

As my distinguished colleague has pointed out in recent posts, "scientists" are spending a shocking amount of time and money studying things that are completely useless (cow burping and global warming) and / or telling us things that we already know (Nerds don't get laid).

Now, German "scientists" have gone out and did a study - I'm talking scientific method here - to figure out if sports fans get excited during big games. Shockingly, they discovered that passionate fans have increased levels of stress, blood pressure, and run a higher risk of a heart attack during the big game. Thanks, guys. How about determining if drunk people are more or less likely to engage in casual sex. Oh, wait, you already took care of that one.

I'm pretty sure there are countless other things scientists could be discovering besides confirming what everyone already knows. Aren't there some pesky diseases in the world that could use some cures? Diabetes, cancer, AIDS? Or how about working on that flying car I was promised as a kid by Saturday morning cartoons? If you use the Back to the Future movies as a benchmark (and why wouldn't you?), we are seriously way behind where we should be on technological innovations - widespread video phones, fax machines in every room of the house, large holographic sharks that advertise movies, and oh yeah - FLYING CARS!!!!!

So, this is a notification to the world's scientists - I am no longer going to assume you are smart people. Before, the intelligence hierarchy was something like this: doctors, lawyers, scientists, Ken from Jeopardy, and the list goes on (Scientologists being at the bottom, tied with people who buy these things) Now, I'm putting scientists behind Deal or No Deal contestants.

Note to scientists: you can redeem yourselves, but it's going to have to involve flying cars.