AP Says Your Life Sucks; Suicide Viable Option

It must be a slow news day. Instead of doing actual journalism - you know, things like researching a story, getting the facts, writing a compelling piece to make sure the public is informed - the AP has opted to post a story (and I use that term VERY loosely) about how the world is coming to an end.

Yep, that's some responsible journalism right there. Let's not look at how Obama has either flip-flopped or changed his tune on virtually every campaign platform he has; don't even try to research whether or not drilling for oil on American soil is a viable option to the current oil crisis. Nope - the editors at the AP felt everyone in the world was a little too happy, and they took it upon themselves to knock us down a couple pegs.

I don't know if the picture will change, but when I first read the story, the headline "Everything is seemingly spinning out of control," was placed next to a picture of the hosts of The View. I don't think there's a better visual representation of the Apocalypse than the idiotic talking heads from The View. At least you got that part right, AP.

Maybe there should be some sort of rule at the AP about writing stories while crashing from the weekend binge. Oh well.

Chicken Little Comes Home to Roost

Outside of reality shows, idiot celebrities, and the abduction and subsequent murder of white girls, there's not much else that will instantaneously transfix the population of this country (and most others for that matter) than a dire prediction about the future of our civilization.

We can see this phenomenon manifest itself in otherwise harmless mediums like movies and TV shows (I Am Legend, Armageddon, Soylent Green - the list goes on), or it can grow into something that shapes national and global economic policy (the Church of Global Warming, for example). Most modern religions have some sort of doomsday prophecy at their core, and every now and then an extremist sect gains national attention for their "the end is nigh" predictions.

The point is that pretty much since man organized into complex civilization, he has predicted the end of that civilization. Here's a quick list of the most recent instances of the end days:

- In the late 1960's and 1970's, many a scientist were absolutely certain that the human species would very shortly outgrow the natural resources of the Earth. Mass starvation, famine, riots, and other fun things would almost certainly end mankind's dominance of the planet. Paul Enrich wrote a book about it - The Population Bomb; and there were several computer models that backed up the doomsday scenario.

- Toward the end of the 70's, perhaps in response to the absolute silliness that was disco, the flavor of the day was global cooling. Another ice age was fast approaching, and unless immediate action was taken, mankind would meet its end.

- Global warming came about in the late 1980's, spread during the 90's, and today it's accepted as scientific fact by most people. For an excellent treatise on global warming, read this speech by Michael Crichton.

- Finally, there was the Y2K scare. Even yours truly was expecting a major societal breakdown when the clock struck 12:00 on January 1, 2000. But just like the multitude of religious apocalypse predictions, nothing happened. It was a New Years like every other.

ABC News must have felt that not enough people were concerned about the end of the world. As such, they have a special coming in September that ask the ominous questions, "Are we living in the last century of our civilization? Is it possible that all of our technology, knowledge and wealth cannot save us from ourselves? Could our society actually be heading towards collapse?"

Awesome. I love it when unproved theories are passed off as scientific fact. What's better is that they're asking regular people to submit videos of their fears and predictions based on their observations of the world. Talk about crack journalism - two hours of the people that say the tornado sounded like a big freight train are going to explain how to save the human civilization.

I'm actually kind of thankful that come September, I will be so wrapped up in law school homework that I won't have time to watch this special.

Are You Kidding Me, Carter?

In an interview given shortly after meeting with the leader of the terrorist organization, Hamas, for the second time, Jimmy Carter said that Khaled Mashaal had agreed to "live as a neighbor" with Israel, provided it's a Palestinian state with pre-1967 borders. Man, hand me a towel because I, along with everyone else in the US State Department, have pie on my face. Jimmy Carter managed to get Hamas to agree to "live as a neighbor" with Israel.

Wait a minute. There's something disturbingly vague about that statement -"live as a neighbor". For one, it doesn't mention what kind of neighbor. Technically, haven't they been "living as neighbors" for the past 60-odd years? Sure, it hasn't been the most friendly or even peaceful of relationships, but they're still neighbors, right? You could also say that Hitler lived as a neighbor with Austria, Hungary, France, Poland, and the rest of Western Europe.

Basically, Jimmy Carter has gotten Hamas to agree to continue to do what they've always done - terrorism - until Israel is no longer on the map. Well, no - until it's a Palestinian controlled state with pre-1967 borders. Man alive is that Jimmy Carter a tough negotiator. Next time I need to give away the farm while maintaining the allusion of toughness, I've giving Carter a call.

In the same interview, Jimmy said that he would never meet with Al-Qaeda because - this is good - they have no redeeming qualities. Hamas, Jimmy points out, is contributing to a fruitful process (blowing up civilians, namely) and they are recognized by their people. After all, Hamas was elected in a fair election.

Take note, Al-Qaeda - if you would like a visit from a former US President, get yourself involved in a fruitful process. And by that, I mean send one or two of your would-be suicide bombers to be politicians instead. You can still engage in all the fun that terrorism has to offer, but you also have to show a good faith effort by going to a couple meetings and chanting "Death to Israel." Before you know it, good ol' Jimmy Carter will be on your doorstep with a six-pack of Billy Beer and some peanut butter.

Are You F-ing Kidding Me?

So Fulton County (the county Atlanta is in) has decided they're going to do a little experiment: pay students for going to school and then getting better grades and test scores. Have we just completely given up on trying to teach accountability for actions?

This is, in effect, punishing the students that attend class, study, and get good grades and test scores. Not only are the lazy students going to get more attention from the school, they're going to be making money doing it. If I was a student in this school, what possible motivation would I have for doing well? I can pay attention in school, do my homework, study, and get absolutely nothing. Or I can play hooky, get bad grades, and then get money to do what I should be doing anyway.

Thanks, Fulton County Government. You've just made parents that much less responsible for raising their kids. I think you should go ahead and just make the welfare payments automatic when these kids "graduate" from school.