Dink & Flika

Pelosi: Freedom of Speech Only If I Agree

2008-08-14T05:39:00.003-05:00

To put it mildly, Joe Lieberman is somewhat of a sore spot in the Democratic party's side. First, he left the party, and despite the DNC's best effort and lots of money, he managed to win his Senate seat. Now, he's on the campaign trail for McCain and, as such, routinely criticizing Obama.

You've got to respect Joe Lieberman. I don't agree with everything he says or every position he's taken, but he has somehow elevated himself above blind allegiance to the Democratic party. In a stunning example of how politicians should behave, he uses his own beliefs to shape his positions, and he actually stands up for them when it comes time. Unlike many other politicians (Democratic and Republican alike) who all to often change opinions based on public opinion polls or political expediency, Lieberman has a record of sticking to his guns.

Unfortunately, this is not how the Democrats want to run their party. They want Senators and Representatives that essentially function as a rubber stamp vote for whatever the leadership decides is the hot topic issue of the day. Furthermore, they want lock-step support of Obama's candidacy and absolutely no mention of the pesky shortfalls of Obama's past and complete lack of experience.

Lieberman, probably because he's been liberated from the Orwellian control of the DNC, doesn't play by those rules anymore. The Dems and Pelosi, for whatever reason, think they still have some sort of authority over Joe, and are threatening to remove his committee chairmanship as punishment for speaking his mind.

While I'm sure Joe enjoys the position, I don't think that threat is going to do anything to keep him from attacking Obama. I wouldn't be surprised that if the Dems do remove Joe from the chairmanship, he switches from Independent to card-carry Republican.

I find it fascinating that the Democrats who claim to be the party of the people and often support the application of Constitutional rights to the point of absurdity regularly engage in practices and policies that are anything but. They advocate the return of the Fairness Doctrine which is nothing more than government censorship, and they can't stand it when someone says something they disagree with.

Only White-Republicans Are Racist

2008-08-13T19:25:00.002-05:00

First off, if I had to pick the number one and most effective way to relay to the world that you are from the South and have absolutely no problem with anything the South has ever done, it would be wearing some form of the Confederate flag on your person. Since I have some slight problems with things the South has done in the past, I elect not to express myself with that particular item.

For those of you playing at home, that's what we like to call freedom of speech and expression.

Because political correctness is becoming more and more a part of America than I would like to admit and since being called a racist is the 21st century equivalent of a leper, the "Stars and Bars" are no longer protected under the 1st Amendment - at least not in the more sophisticated parts of the country.

Jesse Jackson and company boycotted the entire state of South Carolina in order to force them to remove the flag from Charleston (I think). Georgia changed its flag because it contained the "stars and bars". And now some redneck in Tennessee is in a court fight because the school wouldn't let him wear his confederate t-shirt to school.

If we, as a country, want to start letting the thought police run around and ban anything that's offensive to anyone, then so be it. I want t-shirts that idolize the mass murder Che Guevara put on the same list; anything that represents the Black Panthers as well - they advocated mass killings of white people, boys and girls. I could go on and on with examples of clothing that will offend one group or another, but I think you get the idea.

Freedom of speech doesn't mean you have to like what the other guy is saying. In fact, it's been my experience that most people who invoke the power of the First Amendment are certifiable dumb asses, and I disagree with most of what comes out of their mouths. But that doesn't mean we have the right to shut them up. Chances are, they will be seen as the ignorant bigots they are, and people will take what they say with a grain of salt.

All right - sorry for the angry tone of this one. It's a pet peeve. Hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bobby Goes to Law School

2008-08-13T06:04:00.003-05:00

So I start law school today. Well, I start orientation, and classes start on Monday. I'm expecting not to have much time to blog over the course of the next 3 years, but we'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll have some free time. My wife thinks otherwise.

Thanks for reading and leaving comments.

Humans Have Always Been Nature's Jerks

2008-08-12T15:55:00.003-05:00

Did you know that there used to be 260-pound kangaroos running around? Granted, I have no idea how much "normal" sized kangaroo weighs (and I don't want to Google it), but the idea of a kangaroo that weighs more than me is somewhat unsettling.

Fortunately, our ancestors felt the same way and took it upon themselves to totally kill every single one of those giant pouch-having 'roos'. Additionally mankind apparently killed off other freaky animals like a wombat the size of a rhinoceros and some sort of Dr. Moreau inspired mix of a leopard and kangaroo. My opinion - most of these freaks were believed to inhabit Tasmania (the island off Africa's east coast), or as I like to call it - God's "oopsy" island.

If you didn't take the time to read the riveting article, the previous theory was that climate change caused the demise of these giant versions of modern creatures. Turns out, man hunted them to extinction. Or at least that's what one scientist is saying.

I don't care what killed the giant kangaroos and wombats. I'm kind of glad they're not around anymore.

Breaking News: John Edwards Still Full of S#$&

2008-08-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

I didn't watch John Edwards' little confession last Friday for two reasons. One, it wasn't a confession. Based solely on his little hide and seek game in a LA hotel, I would have called up 'Cheaters' and started writing my unauthorized biography of the love child.

Two, because it's John Edwards, I knew his statement would be an exercise in self-indulgent crap that somehow tried to rationalize having an affair while your wife is dying of cancer is just like forgetting to pay for the newspaper - a minor mistake that everyone makes at some point in their life.

I wasn't disappointed. We got gems like "I was 99% honest" and "I...became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic." The later statement is interesting - I really don't see how two miserable failures at the Presidency and one failed shot at Vice-President would make someone narcissistic and egocentric unless he was already a pompous ass...Oh, wait...I get it now.

Fox News decided to do some investigating into Edwards' claim that the affair was short lived, and shockingly enough, it appears the ambulance chaser is still not being 100% honest - I guess we're up to 99.4% honesty. I didn't bother reading the details because like the first attempts at denial, I don't believe a single word Edwards says.

Oh well - I guess we're stuck with this for at least the next week or so until the next little white girl goes missing or a hurricane / earthquake / rock formation falling apart renews claims that global warming is only 3 months away from destroying the planet.

Now It All Makes Sense

2008-08-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

From Foxnews.com:

TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian media are quoting the country's vice president as saying Iranians are "friends of all people in the world — even Israelis."

Well, that gives new meaning to the phrase "With friends like you, who needs enemies?"

Vice President Esfandiar Rahim Mashai was sure to tell reporters that just because Israel and Iran are friends, that doesn't mean Iran recognizes the legitimacy of Israel. So I guess Israel is Iran's imaginary friend.

Whatever.

Mohammed Liked Them Young

2008-08-08T07:20:00.002-05:00

The First Amendment is an absolutely brilliant piece of legal work. Considering that lawyers are known for being overly verbose, the simplicity of the First Amendment compared to the complexity of its far-reaching implications is nothing short of amazing. I have a hard time deciding which amendment I like better - the First or the Twenty-First. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Anyway, our country has gone to great lengths to ensure that every citizen's First Amendment rights are rigorously protected - to the point of allowing speech that the majority of the population would find offensive and inflammatory. Granted, the PC movement has done much to rid "offensive statements" from everyday speech, but that doesn't stop countless books, magazines, comedians, and several other outlets from pushing the buttons of various groups of people.

That is, until the radical end of Islam figured out how to abuse and exploit political correctness while throwing in a side of violence and death threats. In the latest example of fear preventing the publication prophet Mohammed-related material, Random House has indefinitely postponed a book about Mohammed and his 6-year old bride, entitled The Jewel of Medina by Sherry Jones. I guess in the spirit of this, I will 'indefinitely postpone' comments about pedophilia...

The only part of radical Islam that threatens the American way of life more than this widespread intolerance is their seemingly hairpin trigger for violent reactions and affinity for issuing fataw's against anyone and everyone who dares criticize or even draw a picture of Mohammed. Interestingly enough, the two seem to follow each other.

Because I believe in the universality of the Bill of Rights, I have no problem with Muslims practicing their religion here in the States. However, there should be no tolerance of a group of people that openly use fear, the threat of violence, and actual violence to prevent freedom of speech. It's an outrage that "How is the Muslim community going to react?" is even a consideration when deciding to publish a book or not.

For whatever reason, the powers that be at Random House lack the testicular fortitude to stand up for the First Amendment, at least in this case. I'm almost certain that they've published material that fundamental Christians and Orthodox Jews would find quite offensive.

Regardless, Random House is nice enough to allow the author to sell the book to another publisher, and I sincerely hope this happens.

PETA Should Go Back to Naked Chicks

2008-08-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, a Chinese immigrant to Canada decided to behead a fellow Greyhound bus passenger. Without going into gory details - Vince Weiguang Li attacked Tim McLean while he was sleeping. Li stabbed McLean several times, and then proceeded to show the severed head to the horrified passenegers standing outside the bus. Why the 'horrified passengers' weren't running away, I have no idea.

PETA, in their infinite stupidity, saw this grotesque murder not as an example of how dark human nature can be; rather, it's a PR opportunity. Here's some excerpts from their ad featuring the murder:

- "His struggles and cries are ignored ... the man with the knife shows no emotion ... the victim is slaughtered and his head cut off ... his flesh is eaten"

- "If this ad leaves a bad taste in your mouth, please give a thought to what sensitive animals think and feel when they come to the end of their frightening journey and see, hear and smell the slaughterhouse"

- "Like human victims, animals in slaughterhouses experience terror when they are attacked by a knife-wielding assailant...We are challenging everyone who is rightly horrified by this crime to look into their hearts and consider leaving violence off their dinner plates."

There has to be someone in the PETA organization that has a better idea for advancing the PETA agenda than comparing eating a delicious steak to random, psychotic murder. What's that? There isn't? Well then, someone should really clue them into effective marketing techniques.

Anyway, here's an article by Wesley J. Smith that points out some flaws in the vegan lifestyle and mentality.

And just because I like pointing out the stupidity of these people, here's a webpage that chronicles some of the dumber things uttered by vegetarians. They're all remarkably moronic in their own special way, but this one, by far, is the gold medal winner:

"Hey; maybe hitler was actually killing meat eaters, not Jews. It was just changed to Jews because people got offended and obviously most Jews eat meat. Maybe his ethical cleansing was a way to rid the world of meat eaters. Would make sense with his prediction of vegetarianism by 2000; if he was in charge, who knows... The above comment isn't meant to cause offence if it does by the way."

Oh. My. God.

Hey Pelosi - Drill This!

2008-08-07T07:30:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty close to putting the phrase "We can't drill our way out of this problem" onto Bobby's Official List of Things That Will Get You Immediately Punched In the Face. The shear ignorance of the statement is enough to make me immediately stop listening to whatever the speaker has to say - good or bad.

The simple law of supply and demand dictates that if you increase supply (drill), demand (and therefore price) will drop. Granted, there are varying opinions on exactly how long it will take to get the oil out of the ground and onto the market. The Democrats like to say it will take 10 years and even then it will only drop the price of gas by 1 cent.*

And on the other extreme, I read something the other day that said there's hundreds of wells already drilled in the Gulf that have been capped and are simply awaiting a drilling platform to extract the oil and gas - a process that will only take 6 months to take the product to market. Both positions are moot in the case of this argument.

Because I'm not a student of economics, I'm unable to effectively explain why it doesn't matter how long it would take to get America's oil to market. However, Martin Feldstein, a professor at Harvard and former Reagan economic advisor, can.

The Wall Street Journal featured his Op-Ed a few weeks ago.** Feldstein does a very effective job of explaining exactly how starting the process of drilling here in the states now will have an immediate effect on the price of oil now, absolutely regardless of how long it takes that oil to get on the market.

As much as I would like to think that the Democratic party is nothing more than a ship of fools, the fact of the matter is that there are a number of highly intelligent people who gladly don the jackass pin. They understand the principles set forth by Feldstein, but they simply elect to ignore them for political expediency or because the nut-job wing of the environmental movement has them by the short and curly's. I'll let you determine which is the case.

Established economic theories tells us that drilling will certainly help the current price of gasoline, which is more than I can say about Obama's plan to check every driver's tire pressure.

* - This Democrat talking point drives me crazy. To project the rate of inflation, the demand of oil, and the hundreds of other factors that would go into determining the price of gasoline 10 years from now is pointless. No one knows the answers to those questions, so to extract the price of gasoline from a myriad of unknowns is nothing short of a miracle.

** - Feldstein's article was found via Joel Alicea's column on National Review Online.

WTF? Sex Tape Edition

2008-08-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

From The News and Observer:

RALEIGH - Police think a Raleigh woman stole a personal computer and used it to make an adult video she intended to distribute.

At first glance, this story isn't that shocking. So some crazy chick stole a computer and made a sex tape. Thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, this sort of thing is no longer shocking, especially when it's just a random person.

But it gets better. Way better:

Investigators have accused Erica Jasmine Bridges, 18, and an accomplice, Darnell Marquise Johnson, 19, of stabbing Carroll [the owner of the stolen computer] and carjacking his vehicle in an attempt to steal the computer a second time and recover the movie, according to a search warrant filed Monday in Wake County.

Spectacular. I have some many questions. Was this a tape for personal use or did Erica and Darnell plan to market the bad boy? Erica and Darnell obviously have no problem stealing a computer and then recording a sex act, so why the desperate measure to recover the sex tape? Modest is not the word I think of after hearing of these exploits.

If you ask me, Carroll (the victim) is in on this somehow. How do you happen to recover your stolen computer with another person's sex tape on it BEFORE those people had a chance to copy or delete the sex tape? This sounds like some Craigslist casual encounter gone bad. Either way it makes for funny news and a plot line for Law and Order.

Seriously - This Is a Sign of The Apocalypse

2008-08-06T05:30:00.001-05:00

No, the notion that Paris Hilton is running for President is not a sign of the Apocalypse. The fact that her plan to fix the energy crisis is more comprehensive and easier to understand than anything Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Howard Dean, or most other Democrats have said is a sign of the Apocalypse.

At the same time - this video was meant as a response to the McCain ad attacking Obama for being a celebrity, and I guess to a certain extent it does an effective job of lampooning the McCain spot. However, it also demonstrates that with proper handling and a good speech writer, ANYONE can look good in front of a teleprompter.

This is the smartest thing to come out of Paris' mouth since....well, insert your own lewd joke here. I'm trying to keep this blog on a PG-13 level.

Words of Wisdom from Ronald Reagan

2008-08-05T14:41:00.003-05:00

"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

I'm almost 100% sure Reagan didn't have Barack Obama in mind when he said this, but it's applicable nonetheless. Obama is young and he has virtually no accomplishments in the political world, let alone the business world, to speak of.

Buzz o' the Week

2008-08-05T14:00:00.001-05:00

I was going to pick a good, moderately priced red wine for this week. But Sean phoned-in a request, and since he's a new father, I figured I would indulge him. This week's buzz will be provided by The Dirty Gin Martini.

Normally, I'm a vodka martini kind of guy (don't worry - the classic Bond drink will be featured at a later date and time). A couple weeks ago, I tried The Dirty Gin Martini for the first time. I'm not a big fan of gin, but my Dad has perfected the recipe, and that is what I bring you today.

Ingredients:
4 oz. Hendricks Gin
2 oz. Olive juice
Dry Vermouth

With most mixed drinks, you can go with a mid-level liquor. However, with martinis, which rely heavily on the quality of the vodka or gin being used, you don't want to skimp. So, spend the extra money and you won't be sorry. Martinis are potent, and if you drink more than one of these bad boys, make sure you have a DD.

The Process:
- If you're serving the drink "up" (no ice, in a traditional martini glass), fill the martini glass with ice and water. The purpose is to chill the glass. You can just as easily keep martini glasses in the freezer, but I find the ice water method is less complicated and reduces the chances of accidently breaking a glass when you're going for the ice cream.
- Combine the gin and olive juice in a shaker with ice. Daddo recommends shaking the olive juice jar prior to measuring in order to get some olive chunks in the mix.
- Shaken, not stirred.
- If you like your Martini on the rocks, fill the cocktail glass with chipped ice and wave the vermouth over the glass. You want nothing more than a hint of the dry vermouth.
- If you martini is being served up, empty the ice water out of the martini glass. Pour no more than 1 tablespoon of the dry vermouth into the glass and swirl it around. Then dump the vermouth.
- Strain the martini into the glass, garnish with three olives (stuffed with blue cheese for me), and serve.

A point of ettiqutte - when serving or ordering a martini, be prepared to answer or provide the following options:
- "Up" or "on the rocks." "Up" is not to be confused with "neat." "Up" applies only to mixed drinks while "neat" applies to liquor only. A martini or cosmo is served "up." Scotch is served "neat."
- "Dirty"
- If you're at a bar, specify the type of gin or vodka to be used.
- Some people prefer onions over olives as garnish.

As always, I welcome suggestions for next week's Buzz. Enjoy, but be responsible!

Neal Bortz Redesigns Obama's Seal

2008-08-05T09:10:00.002-05:00

Check it out:

The phrase has been changed from "Yes We Can" in Latin to "Vae puto deus fio." My Latin is a little rusty (read: nonexistent), but according to a quick Google search, this translates to "Alas - I think I'm turning into a god."

Brilliant.

Sarah Palin: Hottest Governor in the Union

2008-08-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

Sarah Palin is the conservative governor of Alaska. She's awesome, and she's not half-bad looking when it comes to older women who are Governors.

And what makes it even better? She routinely tells the environmental nut jobs to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Most recently, she sued the Secretary of the Interior for placing polar bears on the "threatened list."

Apparently, polar bears are "threatened" because those totally accurate computer models (that have proven to be wrong time and time again) predict that ice will completely disappear from the arctic circle within 50 years. Right....

Kassie Siegel of The Center for Biological Diversity* dismisses the lawsuit as "completely ridiculous and a waste of the court's time." Kassie also said that Gov. Palin is clearly not concerned about the environment and is merely a shill for the gas and oil industry. I, for one, agree. How dare a Governor look out for the welfare of her constituents by trying to encourage job growth in the state's primary source of revenue? The gall of some people.

* - A non-profit organization whose primary mission is to make sure that species of color are properly represented in nature. The Center for Biological Diversity routinely spray paints white animals to better reflect politically correct multiculturalism.

Global Warming Crowd: Just Go With It, OK?

2008-08-04T11:00:00.002-05:00

The Boston Globe published an Op-Ed from John P. Holdren who is a professor at The Kennedy School of Government and also teaches in the Department of Earth and Planetary Sciences at Harvard (I guess we're supposed to take that John is smart and, therefore, beyond reproach from us simpletons). The Globe put the piece in the Op-Ed section because they apparently don't have a "Just Do As We Say You Stupid Retards" section.

The good professor maintains that global warming / climate change is, in fact, a reality, and that the "...the few climate-change 'skeptics' with any sort of scientific credentials..." are merely suffering from a three-step version of the 5-step grieving process. Here's how Professor John says it goes: Step 1 - climate change simply doesn't exist; step 2 - climate change exists, but humans aren't responsible; and step 3 - ok, you environmental nut jobs are right, but it's too late to do anything about it.

Awesome - there are few better (and more cowardly) ways to marginalize your opponent's position than to chalk it up to some simple mental disorder. We've all done it at some point, either as a joke or in an actual debate. One usually accomplishes this by saying, "You're just in denial." At which point, the target denies being in denial, and the hilarity ensues. Instead of arguing the original point, the aggressor effectively forced the victim to go off-topic and explain why he isn't in denial. It's a cheap shot.

I had higher hopes for a Harvard professor. In attempting to convince the skeptics that global warming is not only a man-made phenomenon, but poses a serious threat as well, I would think that he would bring some hard science. How about explaining why the warmest year in history was in 1934 and not any of the past 20 years? Or why the ocean's have been getting colder since 2003? Or why 2007 was the coldest winter in the US in decades?

Instead he goes with yet another intellectually-void argument of demanding the opposition prove a negative. John states that the skeptics "...have not come up with any plausible alternative culprit for the disruption of global climate that is being observed..."

In other words, John and the global warming crowd are saying "prove to us that global warming is not man-made." Apart from being logical nonsense, that approach is a complete antithesis to the scientific process. Science should constantly test it's assumptions and theories for validity. And nothing should be taken as a cold-hard fact when it is not yet fully understood - we can't accurately predict the weather more than 48 hours in advance, how could we possibly know everything that goes into the planet's entire climate?

The rest of the article consist of John dropping names - "Well, these people believe it's real, and they're way more important than you, so you have to believe it to." He also states that all global warming skepticism is "unfounded." This is akin to putting your hands over your ears, shutting your eyes, and shouting "SHUT UP! YOU'RE WRONG!" Also known as a temper tantrum.

For a good balance to Professor John's little diatribe, check out this article from The Australian. Now, if you'll excuse me, I broke a couple compact fluorescent light bulbs over the weekend, and I'm only 1 step into the day-long 4-step clean-up process.

Universal Truth Time

2008-08-04T06:34:00.002-05:00

There's a very limited number of things that will transcend cultures and time - things that anyone anywhere can relate to regardless of their background. Humor is on that short list. But not just any humor. I'm talking about the basic humor that even an infant understands - dick and fart jokes. I can't even think of what else would be on the list - taxes? death?. Yeah - we'll say death, taxes, and dick and fart jokes are the three universal truths of mankind.

In yet another useless study, the University of Wolverhampton (located in England) has compiled a top 10 list of the world's oldest jokes. The winner? Well, the oldest joke on record - not necessarily the funniest - comes from ancient Sumeria (known today as Southern Iraq). And it goes like this: Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap. That's right - the oldest recorded joke in the world is about wives not farting in front of their husbands.

Other humor gems from centuries ago include:

From Egypt - "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

And England - "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

Of course, the academics at the University of Wolverhampton effectively suck the funny out of these jokes by proceeding to explain why they are funny. Friggin' nerds.

Obama's Plan - Part 3,487

2008-08-01T14:00:00.002-05:00

Like the other 3,486 parts of Obama's plan for American, this one involves more taxes. Except this time, instead of targeting the vague and elusive upper class of the country (who, according to Barry, are the only people who invest in the stock market), Obama has set his sights on the mean, evil oil companies.

Once again, the oil companies have made record profits, and if we check our Liberal play book - yep there it is right there. When a small group of people managed to outwit the Liberals (it's not that hard) and actually make money running a business, then the Liberals simply increase taxes on said business.

After all, the aim of successfully running a business is not to make money. Nope - the aim is to make money so that you can give it to the government; who will then redistribute the income in the form of rebate checks to the lower classes. These people will then use the money to gain consumer credit cards and loans, get in over their head, trigger a credit crisis, and then the government will have to send more checks out so that the cycle can repeat itself.

Don't concern yourself with the fact that the business being taxed have since left the country, taking countless jobs and tax revenue with them. Look at this shiny object over here! That's right. It sparkles and makes noise!

Scientology Gets Sued

2008-08-01T12:00:00.002-05:00

This week, a former member of the Church of Scientology sued the Church along with Tom Cruise for violation of federal RICO statutes. Without getting into the really boring legal details, the plaintiff is contending that Scientology is nothing more than a massive racketeering organization, like the mob only with spaceships and evil intergalactic rulers instead of fat Italians.

In honor of this, I am re-posting the classic South Park clip that describes the origins of Scientology.

Please to enjoy:

Poll Insanity

2008-08-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

USA Today released their pre-season Coach's Poll today. I won't comment on each and every team; rather I will highlight the rankings that please me and the rankings that make me believe a team of lobotomized mountain goats are actually picking the teams.

1. Georgia - Spot on, coaches. At the end of the 2007 season, the Bulldogs had a very valid argument that they should have been in the National Championship game. But the absolute stupidity that is the BCS precluded it. Instead, they exposed Colt Brennan and the Hawaii Super-gay Rainbows for the second rate team that they were. Unfortunately, Georgia has to run the SEC gauntlet in order to have a chance at the title, and that is a difficult, if not impossible this season, task to accomplish.

3. THE Ohio State University - For the D&F faithful, you should be able to predict what will be said here. If you're new to the awesomeness that is D&F, click here for a list of OSU-related posts. As we've highlighted before, OSU's schedule is a joke. The Big-10 is a joke. Much like the 2007 season, THE Ohio State University had padded the 2008 schedule with a litany of virtually guaranteed wins. Thus, they'll coast through the season while teams in real conferences beat each other up. OSU will end up in the National Championship, again. And they will lose, again.

9. Clemson - Seriously? The ACC is known for basketball, boys and girls. I know they have some fancy pants running back, but playing in the ACC is almost as bad as the Big-10. Clemson will lose early and often. I'd put good money on Clemson being out of the Top 25 by midseason.

11. Auburn - I like this position for my Tigers. Auburn was ranked 18 going into the 2004 season, and that turned out pretty well. Compare that to the 2003 season where the Tigers started at 6 and ended unranked. It appears the underdog approach is a winner for Auburn. Plus that no talent ass-clown Brandon Cox is no longer throwing interceptions for Auburn, and they have a new offensive coordinator that runs the spread offense. Good stuff.

21. South Florida - Whatever. USF was able to capitilize on a mentally weak Auburn team at the beginning of the 2007 season. In an Obama-like obsession, the sports media propelled them to the #2 spot where they quickly discovered reality. They ended the season unranked. Like Clemson, the Bulls will not last - look for them in a pre-Christmas bowl, if anything.

As a side note, 9 out of the 12 SEC teams are either ranked or received votes - Arkansas, Ole Miss, and Vanderbilt were the 3 that weren't listed. Once again, the SEC is the toughest conference and continues to field the top, well-balanced teams in the nation.

Quote of the Week

2008-07-31T15:00:00.000-05:00

In a startling display of common sense often not found in public officials, the LAPD Chief of Police William Bratton refused to participate in LA city council meetings held to determine if more laws were needed to control the paparazzi. He maintains that there are more than enough city ordinances to control the various situations.

But more importantly, he made this spot on assessment of the paparazzi's bread and butter:

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank god; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."

That guy should run for governor of California.

WTF? Olympic Edition

2008-07-31T13:24:00.003-05:00

From The Guardian:

"For more than a year, officials in Beijing have been designing a special laboratory to determine the sex of any athletes taking part in this year's Olympic games. "Suspected athletes will be evaluated from their external appearances by experts and undergo blood tests to examine their sex hormones, genes and chromosomes for sex determination," says Professor Tian Qinjie."

Apparently, there's a long history of Pat-type athletes competing in the Olympic Games. I remember a couple movies making fun of the East German team - even as recently as Dodgeball, we see a "woman" with a uni-brow and noticibly male features such as facial hair. Never did I think that it was a reoccuring problem.

And what kind of "special laboratory" do you need to determine if a dude is tucking? It's not rocket surgery, people.

Buzz o' the Week

2008-07-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

And it's time for Buzz o' the Week. I hope everyone enjoyed the most excellent Mojito recipe from last week. If you missed the post, click here to check it out. This week, I bring you the Champagne of Beers: Miller High Life.

For those of you who know me well, you might be surprised to read that I would recommend such a beer, but hear me out. And I promise in future installments of Buzz o' the Week to review and recommend some awesome craft brews.

In keeping with the summer drink menu, Miller High Life is, in my humble opinion, a great summer beer to enjoy after a hard day of yard work or any other strenuous outdoor activity. The High Life has more flavor than it's light beer competition. It's on the cheaper end of all beer - a definite plus considering the economy and gas prices, and let's be honest - with a name like The Champagne of Beers, how can you go wrong?

So, this Saturday (or Sunday) after mowing the lawn, weeding the flower bed, and whatever else is on your honey-do list, crack open the High Life and relax. You'll thank me for it.

Need a Cure for that Jungle Fever?

2008-07-30T07:00:00.002-05:00

Well, my friend, look no further than AfroRomance. That's right - the Internet dating scene has become so saturated with eHarmony / match.com clones, that a niche market has emerged for people looking for "interracial dating only" (it says that on the homepage).

Not wanting to exclude any other varieties of "fever", AfroRomance allows the discriminating interracial dater to specify which type of fever currently afflicts him or her. Like any other dating site, one must enter his or her sexual preference and age range, but then you get to the fun part.

Here are the choices:

Black / White - Jungle Fever

Asian - Yellow Fever

Latino - Ummm....what do you call this? Urban Dictionary was of no help, so I welcome comments from the D&F Faithful.

The jury is still out on whether or not this is a sign of the Apocalypse. Regardless, meeting your significant other through this site would make for a great "how mommy met daddy" story.

Further Proof of Human Stupidity

2008-07-29T12:00:00.004-05:00

I could simply write "reality television" and be done with this post, but we have standards here at D&F. For the most part, The Discovery Chanel and other documentary-heavy stations have decent reality programming, but like everything else in this world, there's an exception to prove every rule.

"It Takes a Thief" has two supposed ex-burglars break into people's home, steal their things, and ransack the place in an effort to show people how vulnerable they are to such an attack. My brother Andrew loves this show and is watching it pretty much every afternoon when I get home. Here's a universal synopsis for every episode of "It Takes a Thief" ever made: ex-thief breaks into home; homeowners come home and are somehow surprised that they have been robbed; "victims" watch tape of their home being robbed; "victims" get upset; "victims" get mad a thief; Discovery Chanel puts everything back in its place, cleans the house, and springs for a $1,000+ security system. Roll credits.

Here's my problem with it: the "victims" know they are going to get robbed. They give permission to have surveillance cameras put all over their house. They give pre-theft interviews. I wouldn't be surprised if the producers of the show give them a time frame for when the robbery will take place.

Yet, despite knowing all of this, these idiots still get visibly upset when they arrive back home and "discover" the robbery. The wives often cry and say something along the lines of being violated. The husbands make various threats of kicking someone's ass. The phrase, "I can't believe this is happening" is repeated ad nauseam. And the coup de grace - when the "victims" confront the "thief" they are mad and make feeble attempts to express this anger.

I've come to the sad conclusion that I am entirely too intelligent and well-balanced to be on any sort of reality TV or even Deal or No Deal.

All of Hollywood Not Insane

2008-07-29T06:48:00.003-05:00

It's a difficult task finding a successful actor in Hollywood who isn't in bed with far left politics. In fact, the guest list for the upcoming DNC convention in Denver might as well be a copy of the one for a post Oscar party: Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Warren Beatty and wife Annette Bening, Forrest Whitaker, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The stars that lean to the right are typically relegated to "B" list status - Steven Baldwin, Chuck Norris....I'm sure there's more out there; I just can't remember right now, which proves my point that the entertainment industry is dominated by nut-job liberals.

Every now and then, a celebrity comes along and surprises me with some common sense. A few years ago, Pat Sajak commented that if there was one group of people universally unqualified to give advice on politics and national policy, it's celebrities.

Today, John Voight gets a D&F "Atta-boy" for his Op-Ed in the Washington Times. Now, Johnny can add "not insane" to his resume, which will look good next to the part about being able to father weird-looking yet strangely-hot chicks.

Smarter: Congress or Dying Sea Monkeys?

2008-07-28T16:00:00.003-05:00

On December 19, 2007, Congress passed and the President signed a bill that outlaws the use of incandescent light bulbs by 2014. Since the government can't do anything all at one time, it's a phased withdrawal. 100-watt light bulbs are illegal starting in 2010 with the 40-watt going the way of the dodo in 2014.

While Congress hasn't told us how to wipe our arses yet, they are telling us how to light our homes. The instructions and limitations on Charmin use are only so far off, boys and girls.

But that's not the point here. Al Gore and the rest of the global warming nazis have all but mandated that compact fluorescent light bulbs are to replace the evil incandescent light bulbs. The problem? Well, it puts off a fraction of light compared to the old style, and oh yeah - you have to mobilize the entire EPA if you break one.

Ok, it's not that bad, but it's not good either. Here's what the EPA says you should do if you break a CFL:

1. Open a window and leave the room (restrict access) for at least 15 minutes. If you have fans, place the fans in the windows and blow the air out of the room. Note: If the room has no windows, open all doors to the room and windows outside the room and use fans to move the air out of the room and to the open windows.

2. Remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner.
- Wear disposable rubber gloves, if available (do not use your bare hands).
- Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard.
- Wipe the area clean with a damp paper towel or disposable wet wipe.
- Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.

3.Place all cleanup materials in a plastic bag and seal it, and then place in a second sealed plastic bag.
-If no other disposal or recycling options are available, private residents may dispose of the CFL in residential garbage. Be sure to seal the CFL in two plastic bags and put into the outside trash.
-Wash your hands after disposing of the bags.

4. The first time you vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag once done cleaning the area (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag and/or vacuum debris, as well as the cleaning materials, in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

Only the federal government could take something as simple as "clean up broken glass" and turn it into a 4-step, day long process. And what's up with double-bagging the broken pieces? I'm not an expert, but I'm willing to bet using two plastic bags, which are not good for the environment, starts to eat into the efficiency benefits of using the stupid CFL's.

Let's not forget that plastic is a petroleum based product. Higher oil prices translate into higher prices for plastic products (not to mention the gas you have to use to drive your double-bagged mercury bomb to the dump), and if you listen to Al Gore, Harry Reid, and the other global warming Super Friends, oil is a poison.

So let's bring this one home. Congress, in order to save money and improve the overall efficiency of the country, outlawed the incandescent light bulb. The replacement costs more money (3 times as much in some cases), doesn't provide nearly as much light (which means you use more lightbulbs to accomplish the same thing); if you break a bulb, you have to use 2 not-good-for-the-environment plastic bags, drive it to a landfill, and then go buy more "efficient" CFL's.

Thanks, government. Where would we be without you?

Cuil = Worst Search Engine Ever

2008-07-28T08:43:00.003-05:00

In what can only be described as some of the most boring yet higly profitble news, there's a new search engine out there. For the not at all fascinating story of how a software engineer somehow raised over $30 million in venture capital (I guess the dot com bubble isn't quite over), click here.

Here's the lowdown - Anna Patterson used to work for Google and AltaVista before that. She is apparently a genius at writing search engine software, and claims that her new search engine, Cuil, scours 8 times more websites than Google.

Being somewhat confused at the notion that Google does not search the entire Internet, I decided to do a little test. I typed the exact same thing into both search engines - dink and flika. Google returned your favorite blog at the top of the list. Cuil said that there is nothing on the entire world wide web with those words.

Cuil sucks.

Top Baby Names 2008

2008-07-24T06:28:00.003-05:00

Since my wife and I are officially the last couple to not have kids in our immediate circle of family and friends, we have been party to more than one baby naming ritual and even joined in on the fun ourselves. I've come to the conclusion that parents want to try and have a unique and meaningful name for their kid, which is understandable, but like so many other things in this world, good intentions often result in absolutely ridiculous and quite humorous results.

Most of you have heard of Knowshawn Moreno - he's the star running back for UGA. During last year's bowl season, the commentators saw fit to explain the origins of his name. Apparently, Shawn is a family name, and the mother wanted her son to be smart, so she simply put part of the word "knowledge" in there. Using this logic, I am initiating proceedings to change my name to "Big Johnson Money Bags" because I want to be rich and....you get the idea. I'll let you know how it turns out.

New Zealand appears to have a similar phenomenon. In fact, it's so bad that family court judges have stepped in and began undoing some rather interesting names. A judge made a 9-year old girl a ward of the state in order to change her name from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii to something they won't tell us (to protect her identity, but sources tell me her new name is Princess Consuela Banana Hammock).

According to New Zealand law, "...names that would cause offense to a reasonable person..." are not allowed. Here are some of the names that have been rejected: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. However, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence made it through the review process.

I don't know about you, but I kinda like the sound of Yeah Detroit. And since we don't have the Stupid Name Review Bureau here in the States, you can go ahead and plan on there being a Yeah Detroit Sawyer running around in a few years.

You - Out of the Gene Pool

2008-07-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

Weddings and Waffle House - separately, these are two sublimely wonderful things. One is a foundation upon which this country is built, and the other is place to get loaded at an open bar and laugh at your friend(s) for taking the plunge into the absolute joy that is marriage, or something.

It would be all too easy to assume that combining two awesome things would only make for more awesomeness. But not in this case. No - weddings and Waffle House most certainly do not make for a good combination.

Unfortunately for mankind, this truth is not yet universal. And two hapless souls fell victim to the theory that a wedding at Waffle House would be a good idea. George "Bubba" Mathis and Pamela Christian thought it would be a grand idea to have a wedding at their place of employment (I'm not making that up).

They called their friends and family, cranked up the Hank Jr., put on their Sunday best, and sure as you can get your hash browns scattered, smothered and covered, they entered into holy matrimony in the Waffle House parking lot.

If ever there was a case for the government controlling who can reproduce and who cannot, this is one. Alas, Bubba and Pamela have already combined their top-notch genomes and produced two offspring - two little blonde girls. According to friends close to the newlyweds, the two daughters are having trouble deciding between following their parents' footsteps and working for Waffle House or being strippers.

Ahh, the American dream.

College Football is Almost Here

2008-07-22T07:29:00.005-05:00

We are a mere 35 days from the start of the 2008 college football season, and I cannot wait. I love football season - grilling out (different from barbecue for your yankee heathens out there), watching Auburn, making fun of THE Ohio State fans - football season is without a doubt the best time of the year. You also have two of the best holidays in the midst of it - Thanksgiving and Christmas. My logic is unassailable.

To help get everyone else as pumped up, I bring you this fun poll. You can rank how you think the SEC will end this year. I didn't bother finding a similar poll for the Big 10, Big 12, Pac 10, or Big East simply because it doesn't matter how those conferences finish. Some sacrificial lamb will be brought forth on Thursday, January 8, and an SEC team will proceed to demonstrate how college football is played.

If THE Ohio State University manages to weasel their way into the championship again and lose to an SEC team, I am going to seriously start a petition to have the entire Big-10 conference knocked down to D-2, or whatever they're calling it these days.

And because I know you're curious as to how I ranked the SEC, here's my list:

East
1 - Georgia
2 - Florida
3 - South Carolina
4 - Tennessee
5 - Vanderbilt
6 - Kentucky

West
1 - Auburn
2 - LSU
3 - Mississippi State
4 - Ole Miss
5 - Arkansas
6 - Alabama

Actually, Alabama may finish higher, but as part of my degree from Auburn, I'm required to put Alabama last in every poll or the university will revoke my degree.

Buzz o' the Week

2008-07-21T20:00:00.001-05:00

I'm proud to introduce a new feature here on D&F - Buzz o' the Week. Each week, I will bring you one adult beverage that I think you should try. And if you have a recommendation or would like for me to design the perfect version of a cocktail for you, let me know.

For the inaugural post (and because it's summer), I'm going to go with the Mojito. First, a little history - the Mojito is Cuban. And that concludes the history lesson.

Just to let you know - this drink recipe and most of the mixed drink recipes I will feature are the result of my wife and I trying the drink at a restaurant, and then either trying to make it better because we didn't like it or replicate the recipe because we did. The Mojito is a case of the former.

Katie despises sugary drinks, so that translates to not using pre-made mixes. It also means there's a trial and error process to get the proportions right, and sometimes that can get ugly (maybe at a later date and time, I will tell everyone about the night Bobby and Katie consumed an entire fifth of rum...by themselves).

Anyway, the ultimate result of not using pre-made mixes is a fresher tasting cocktail that highlights the natural flavors of the ingredients, rather than the Kool-aid type fruit flavor of the mix. It should be noted that the cocktail is to be enjoyed for it's taste and slight social lubrication qualities. In no way does D&F condone excessive drinking....except on St. Patrick's Day.

Enough with the commentary. Let's get down to business. While it's not required, I highly recommend securing a muddler. You can use the handle of a wooden spoon as a substitute, but I'm a stickler for using the right tool for the job.

The Ingredients:
- 3 slices of lime
- 8-10 mint leaves (for more mint taste, use more mint leaves)
- 1 tsp sugar
- 3 shots light Rum (1 shot = 1.5 oz)
- Club soda

The Process:
- Place mint leaves into a pint glass; then the lime, and finally the sugar. It's important to go in this order to reduce random tiny mint pieces in the final product
- Muddle (aka - squish the limes and mix with the sugar)
- Add rum and stir
- Add enough ice so the glass is almost full with ice
- Fill with club soda and stir
- Serve.

If you do it right, you should produce a refreshing drink to sip on the back porch with your significant other. If you're single, you now have a surprisingly potent drink to hopefully turn the hot girl into your significant other. Not that I encourage that sort of thing....

Justice Wins Again

2008-07-21T16:44:00.005-05:00

Over the past few weeks, we've seen some landmark court decisions - apparently, the US Constitution applies anywhere and everywhere, regardless of things like "other countries" or silly facts like launching an RPG at American forces; school districts can't implement race-based school assignments for children unless they really, really feel like it (another Justice Kennedy gem); and we can't forget that the 2nd Amendment really does mean an individual has the right to bear arms (if you're interested in that stuff, Scalia's opinion is brilliant, FYI).

But not until today did the US legal system really make a decision that readily impacts the everyday American. I speak, of course, of Janet Jackson's infamous wardrobe malfunction during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

To fill you in, the nipple-hating nerds at the FCC slapped CBS with a cool $550,000 fine. CBS, feeling that this was somewhat extreme, appealed the fine. Today, the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed the fine; thus establishing that nipples are as American as apple pie, and the FCC sucks.

I can't help but remember where I was when Justin ripped off Janet's shirt, and the world witnessed what a surgically-enhanced breast and nipple look like with a crazy sun thing around it. I was sitting in our company HQ in Baghdad at 4 in the morning, watching the Super Bowl halftime show live. Under normal circumstances (not in Iraq), I avoid the half-time show at all costs. But since I was in Iraq and there was literally nothing better to do, I watched it.

To be honest, I didn't realize what happened until 3 seconds after the fact. At which point I was really pissed that the Army did not see fit to issue me a TiVo with my M-16. Not that I have some weird fetish for Janet Jackson, but you've got to understand - after so long in the desert, surrounded by other guys, the slightest resemblance of heterosexual sex is enough to cause a minor riot.

Oh well - mark another "W" for the American people and freedom. Today, I sleep well knowing that shameless publicity stunts for upcoming tours and albums are protected by the Constitution.

Is This Really Necessary?

2008-07-18T08:59:00.004-05:00

Instead of spending time and taxpayer money outlawing various unhealthy foods, why can't we outlaw people dressing like this in public:

Thanks for putting that image in my brain, Fox News. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go develop an eating disorder.

Al Gore Talks....A Lot.

2008-07-17T14:33:00.002-05:00

I did an environment post a couple days ago, so I won't revisit the topic. I will, however, point you towards an Al Gore piece where he pretty much tells us that we're all going to die unless we start using rat urine to power our homes and cars. You can read it here if you have a spare 3 hours and like the sound of Al Gore's voice in your head.

Or, you can watch this clip of South Park where Al lets us know about the next big threat. Please to enjoy:

More Useless: Dirty Diaper or Career Politicians?

2008-07-16T09:15:00.000-05:00

When did politicians approach to any issue become an all or nothing game? I think it's a result of the modern media and their OCD level obsession with reducing every story, issue, and news worthy event into a 30-second sound bite. It's impossible to explain the thousands of years of history, the geopolitical ramifications, and just the logistics of the Iraq War, let alone offer a practical solution in 30-seconds, so why does everyone in Washington insist upon trying?

As a result of this oversimplification, we are left with rigid politicians that steadfastly oppose anything that doesn't fit the 30-second sound bite model. Let's take a look at the current energy crisis as a framework. On one side, you have the Republicans who, for the most part, want to expand domestic exploration and drilling for oil. The 30-second sound bite is usually a Senator or Representative saying something about being held hostage by foreign oil and then repeating the word "drill" until the 30 seconds is up.

On the other side, you have the Democrats who tend to take the position that drilling for oil will not solve anything, and we should spend our time and money looking for and developing alternative fuel sources. The sound bite will include words like "carbon," "greenhouse gasses," "failed policies of the Bush administration," etc.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's call for expanded domestic oil exploration as a "diversionary tactic," while at the same time insisting that he open up the strategic oil reserve. For those of you playing at home, the strategic reserve is probably good for a 3-month supply of oil. When it runs out, not only will the US have to spend significantly more to replace the oil we used, but whatever effect releasing the supply had on the price of crude will immediately vanish. Yeah, that's totally not a diversionary tactic.

As nice as it is to think that the solution to high gas prices is a one-step fix (be it drilling or alternative fuels), the economy is entirely too complex for this problem to be solved overnight. It's going to take SEVERAL avenues of attack that incorporate both drilling for oil here in the States, searching for alternative fuels, and reducing the amount we use petroleum based products.

Despite what both sides are saying, if we were to throw all our effort at alternative sources, the products wouldn't be on the market tomorrow or even in the next few years, so to represent that the hydrogen car is only a couple billion of dollars away is completely misleading. Conversely, drilling for oil isn't going to reduce the price of gas immediately, but it will help prevent further price increases down the road.

To sit there and throw the political equivalent of a temper tantrum, refusing to explore any single option is irresponsible and demonstrates a complete lack of concern for the taxpayer. What it does show is unadulterated pandering to special interest groups, which will do nothing but pad the coffers of the politician and not solve the problem.

Global Warming Shenanigans

2008-07-15T08:46:00.005-05:00

Whatever credibility the global warming movement - hang on, it's called climate change now, isn't it? That's right - since the temperature of the planet has actually dropped over the past several years, I guess the enviro-nazis had to modify their terminology less they look like a bunch of idiots.

So, let's try that again. Whatever credibility the "climate change" movement had with me is completely and utterly gone. Somewhere along the way, what started out as a legitimate question into mankind's impact on the environment turned into a religion where anything bad that happens to human civilization is attributed to the great evil of carbon dioxide - this belief pattern is similar to many a religion where the omnipotent deity punishes puny man for transgressions (sin leads to hell, Allah strikes deep into the belly of the infidel, etc). Additionally, the church of climate change requires faith in things that cannot or have yet to be conclusively proven (consensus is not proof, FYI). For an excellent commentary on this, check out Michael Crichton's speech.

Today, I bring you two ridiculous examples of people blaming things on global warming / climate change that blow right past the edge of reason into complete and utter hysteria.

First up - the fine staff at the University of Texas Southwestern located in Dallas, TX. According to these doctors, if global warming trends projected by the crack team at the UN continue, then we're going to see a massive increase in kidney stones, particularly along the "kidney stone belt" (I'm not making that up) which seems to parallel the sun belt area.

To their credit, the doctors do use actual science in developing this theory. Apparently, when people move from cooler climates to warmer ones, there's an increased risk of kidney stones. The problem - the whole thing is based on flawed UN models. Couple that with the fact that the earth has actually been cooling, and I'm going to have to call shenanigans on this one.

Next up - idiotic Congressman from Massachusetts (that's kind of redundant, isn't it?). Rep. Edward Markey told a group of high school students visiting Washington, D.C. that global warming caused "Black Hawk Down." Actually, what he said was that global warming caused the drought, which created the Darfur crisis, which created famine, which led to the whole Somalia / Mogadishu conflict. Ignorant doesn't even begin to describe that.

The Darfur crisis and the Somalian crisis of the early 1990's were caused by war lords practicing widespread genocide and intentional starvation of the population. Black Hawk Down was caused by a bunch of these warlord's thugs shooting down helicopters with RPG's and the Clinton administration refusing to properly support the operation. Or, if you're brainwashed, "global warming."

My suggestion to the climate change believers - you should focus on conclusively proving your theory instead of running around blaming everything on it. Also, get out there and debate whether or not it is actually occuring. "Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is settled."*

* - Michael Crichton

You Turn Him Loose...You Turn Him Loose

2008-07-14T20:50:00.003-05:00

There is an old Peruvian saying, "A person who represents himself has a fool for a client." The man in this video obviously did not take that saying to heart. I do not know the back story on this, but after watching the video I think I can figure out.

A man commits some type of crime, and decides not to spend the money on a lawyer but rather to invest that money in acting class and a new suit. He also manages to tell one of the witnesses that he has a plan to cause a mis-trial. When the time comes to cross examine a witness he decides it is time to show the ace up his sleeve. He asks the judge to excuse his behavior he just needs a second. When the judge doesn't respond he repeats it, then starts his acting. He fakes a heart attack and collapses on the floor. (Side note, if this is not the first time you have watched the video, watch the guy on the far right side, he has no reaction when the man falls over.)

You have to give this guy credit though, even though he is called out by the judge as a faker he sticks with it, acting like he is passed out the whole time. Enjoy.

Forgive or Forget, Where Have You Gone?

2008-07-14T20:20:00.003-05:00

For those of you who are uneducated when it comes to day time television there was no better show than Forgive or Forget hosted by Momma Love. The premise of the show was simple, when someone had either been hurt or hurt someone they came to the show looking for forgiveness. The other party had the option to come to the show and walk through the door, literally, they had a door they walked through to show they forgave the other person, or they would not show up and forget that person. It obviously was a whole lot better when the person did not walk through the door. The fact that the host of the show was named Momma Love made it that much better.

I think we should start a national campaign, that are becoming all the rage these days, and send the studios door knobs until they put Forgive or Forget back on the air. To get you ready to start sending those door knobs in here is a sample of Forgive or Forget:

A little back story; Tina used to weigh 275 pounds, but lost 100 pounds with Gastric Bypass Surgery. She had a good "friend" Vinny who would constantly ridicule her and call her fat. To save you some time skip to the 3:58 mark. Vinny has to be considered for Friend of the Year after you hear him talk.

Good News: Barack Has a Plan!

2008-07-14T11:00:00.001-05:00

Just so we're all on the same page, Barack is now re-affirming his promise to end the Iraq War within 16-months of taking office. This may seem like a blatantly obvious statement, but with the antics of last week, I wasn't sure if Obama was getting ready to Obama-nate on his promise to lead America to defeat.

It took a little longer than I expected, but Obama has formally responded to last week's news that Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki wants a timetable for the withdrawal of American forces. And surprise, surprise - Obama thinks it's a smashing idea. The New York Times graciously lent their Op-Ed page for the response.

Here are the highlights:

- In an effort to tell the 3 people who didn't know this, Barack starts off by reminding us AGAIN that he has opposed the war since the beginning. While not 100% accurate, we'll let him play this little game. In terms of relevance, however, what he thought about the war 5 years ago is completely useless. But he opposed it. In case you didn't know.

- Then Obama actually says that the "surge" is working. But immediately reverts back to his root programming, and says that "...the same factors that led me to oppose the surge still hold true..." Um, I'm confused. Why is he praising the accomplishments of the surge while saying that he still opposes it? Does anyone actually read that and think it makes sense?

- Obama is going to "...consult with commanders on the ground and the Iraqi government to ensure that our troops were redeployed safely, and our interests protected." I wonder what the commanders on the ground have to say. Fortunately, ABC news has answered that question already. They say it's not a good idea and a logistical nightmare. No worries though - the Obamacons will hope and change their way through those pesky logistical details.

- And what Democratic plan is complete without the promise of large sums of money? Yep, Obama will pledge $2 billion to help the Iraqi refugees. So if you're keeping track of all the money Barack is planning on spending once he gets into office, that $2 billion pretty much ensures a tax of rate of 40%+ for everyone who isn't on welfare.

There's other fun little tidbits in Barack's column, but you get the idea. The recurring phrase Obama seems to have latched onto is "end this war." Well, there's only two ways to end a war. Option A - win by beating the other guy so bad that he no longer has the capability or will to fight; Option B - quit early and give the other guy a chance to rebuild his forces.

To kind of hammer that last point home, check out this article by Michael Barone. He draws some comparisons between Truman and the Berlin Airlift and Bush's commitment to the mission in Iraq.

Summer Movie Update: 1-1-1

2008-07-14T08:28:00.004-05:00

Andrew and I went and saw Wanted this past weekend. This makes the third summer movie I've seen this season, and here's the latest standings:

1 Win - Iron Man; When Stark was drinking scotch in a HMMWV while driving to a missile test in Afghanistan, I knew the movie would rock.

1 Loss - The Happening; I'm still mad at Andrew for making me watch this movie. I have a couple rules when it comes to going to movies, and one of the big ones is if Marky Mark is expected to act like anything other than a tough guy / meat head, then it's going to be a waste of time. I should have followed my own rules.

1 Tie - Wanted; to be honest, this was a borderline loss, and I knew that going in. But, I made Andrew buy my ticket (HA!), and I got to see what I'm pretty sure was a body double for Angelina Jolie naked from behind with all sorts of cool tattoos. Also, I heard Morgan Freeman's character drop the MF bomb. There's just something inherently funny about the narrator for March of the Penguins saying "Shoot this M----- F-----". If I was in charge of the academy, he would definitely get a nod for best supporting actor for that one line. So when you add those factors in, I can't say that I didn't somewhat enjoy the overall experience.

However, Wanted was a predictable summer action flick. The gun play and magic bullet camera tricks were fun at first, but got old quick. And when I can guess how the movie is going to end 20 minutes into it, writers need to try a little harder.

I'm still debating whether or not to see Hancock, and in all likelihood, it's going to be relegated to rental status. This upcoming Friday, The Dark Knight arrives, and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping it will make this summer movie season a winning one for your truly.

And since I neglected to post a video on Friday, here's a little love to start your Monday off right. Please to enjoy:

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term? UPDATE!

2008-07-11T13:48:00.004-05:00

And now we have video of the incident as well as some commentary from the offended parties.

Click here for the video of the incident.

Click here for the original story to get the background.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have stop thinking about this before my head explodes.

Rule #1 When Leaving Comments

2008-07-11T08:59:00.004-05:00

This is not directed or intended for the readers of D&F. For the most part, the 13 regular readers we have leave good comments and tend to stay away from making broad generalizations. For sites and blogs that have thousands of readers, it's a different story. Go read any political story. You won't get 3 comments in without someone (Conservative or Liberal) throwing some basless stereotype out there and not backing it up with any facts.

Of course I have an example. We have standards here at D&F, after all.

ABC news, in a shocking break from tradition, actually decided to do a little reporting on Barack's policies and ideas. Although, since Obama is setting up yet another policy change on Iraq, ABC News could be laying the ground work and prepping the masses for the inevitable reality that the US is not leaving Iraq anytime soon. But that's not the focus here.

Sure enough, the comments section turns into the political equivalent of a "Your mama so fat..." trash talking competition. And we get this little gem:

"You Rightwingers are a joke! Your the worst Americans ever! And the dumbest! McCain is not fit too be President let alone dog catcher! He's senile,has a bad temper and loves lobbiests,the rich and big corporations. Besides he wants to bomb,bomb, Iran and have wars forever! John McCain is also bad for the economy and the middle class. He's just plain wrong for America!"

Listen up people - if you're going to start your comment off with calling people "the dumbest" anything, spell check your comment. Because nothing says "I'm a complete moron" better than misspelling simple words and mixing up "your" and "you're."

Is "Complete F-ing Idiot" a Racist Term?

2008-07-10T11:20:00.003-05:00

From the Dallas City Hall Blog:

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

That's it. This racist BS has gone entirely too far. I'm not sure what qualifies someone to be a Dallas city Commissioner, but based on this little interchange, one only has to pass pre-school and have a 3-yeard old's understanding of the universe.

What's more shocking is that a judge - someone entrusted to interpret the laws of Texas - is stupid enough to believe "black hole" is a racial slur.

According to the article, Mayfield shot back that a "black hole" is a science term, but stopped short of trying to explain what the singularity is. If I were in his shoes, I would have gone with something like, "Well, at least it's not a brown hole like the sanitation department."

And what the hell kind of come back is, "it's a white hole" anyway? Price might as well have gone with the "I'm rubber and you're glue" approach.

IDIOTS!

Is Every Other Feminist Problem Solved?

2008-07-10T09:20:00.005-05:00

I'm not naive and ignorant enough to believe that the battle of the sexes is over and that every man and woman in America is on the same playing field when it comes to job opportunities and compensation.

Having said that, we have come along way, and while there are still some parts of the professional American world that are clearly dominated by males, females have little trouble gaining access to those fields and receiving competitive pay.The point is that we, as a society, have made significant progress since the bra burning days of the 60's.

We've made so much progress here in America, that I think the old warriors of the feminist movement have kind of run out things to complain about. For example, magazine editor Cynthia Good recently went on a hell-bent crusade to get the city of Atlanta to change all the "Men at work" and "Men Working" signs to reflect that women are working on the roads as well.

Of course, this is quite the trivial victory in the battle of the sexes. I can't help but think that Cynthia's time, effort, and position as a "woman's magazine editor" would be better spent fighting for women's rights in countries that continue to treat women as second class citizens.

You know - places like Saudi Arabia or any other traditional Muslim country where female castration is still practiced. Or how about Africa where men think having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS (I'm not making that up).

At the end of the day, this is the United States, and if Cynthia thinks that changing some words on road signs and making the city of Atlanta spend thousands of dollars doing so will further the feminist movement, then more power to her. Personally, between driving, talking on the cell phone, dealing with the idiot drivers in Atlanta, the traffic in Atlanta, I really don't think the driving population of the city is a) going to notice the change or b) if they do notice, it's not going to inspire any sort of further action.

Oh well.

Sex Columnist: Not Just For Sluts!

2008-07-09T07:00:00.003-05:00

So Foxnews.com has themselves a sex columnist. And because I'm usually bored out of mind at work, I end up reading whatever Yvonne K. Fulbright has to say. As a result, I've become convinced that in order to become a sex columnist, all you have to do is sleep around....a lot. Here's a snipet from the latest Foxnews FOXSEXpert (I didn't make that name up):

How many sexual partners have you had? If this were an actual survey, would you lie about it? The discussion often comes up during the beginning stages of dating, and apparently a lot of people are lying about their numbers.

My god in heaven. Stop the presses You're telling me people lie about their sexual conquests to complete strangers? Please tell me Ms. Fulbright is getting paid a ridiculous amount of money to bring this previously unknown fact to light. She is? Good. I can sleep tonight.

In honor of this Pulitzer-prize winning journalism, I bring you this classic Onion piece:

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Lisbet "Lizzie" Gilchrist, a second-year undergraduate at Penn State University, told reporters that she has the makings of a good sex-advice columnist Monday.

No Need to See New Cohen Film

2008-07-08T16:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, we commented on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. Today, we comment on Sacha Baron Cohen's new movie which features Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter. But not tomorrow - I can see what's happening, and so I am placing a self-imposed two post limit on this latest Cohen project.

According to The Smoking Gun.com:

JULY 8--Lured by $1 beer and the prospect of "hot chicks" and "hardcore fights," thousands of Arkansans were duped last month into appearing as extras in comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's latest staged mayhem. Cohen and his confederates organized cage fighting programs on consecutive days in Texarkana and Fort Smith. Both cards ended with two male grapplers (one was identified as "Straight Dave" and wore camouflage) tearing each other's clothes off and, while in underwear, kissing down their opponent's chest.

Two comments and then the self-imposed limit begins.

1. According to IMDB, this movie isn't being released until May of 2009. If the past two days are any indicator, we can expect weekly, if not daily, updates on Sacha's pranks over the next 10 months. Basically, if you pay attention to entertainment news, you will be able to accurately predict 90% of what will be in the movie. You know how some movies show all the funny parts in the preview? Same thing except it will last FOREVER!

Combine this with the same sort of parroting that followed the Borat movie, and you can skip seeing the movie all together. You'll have the plot (if there is one) basics from all this "news" and your friends will fill you in on the funny details...ad nauseum. You're welcome - I just saved you $10 ($20 if you get popcorn and a drink).

2. This obviously is a viral marketing campaign, and yes, D&F is now part of it. I've got to hand it to the brainiacs in Hollywood. Based on the sort of crap that's been green lighted over the past 10 years, I would have thought a bunch of Down-Syndrome monkeys with an Etch-a-Sketch were producing everything. Now I know that those monkeys apparently know how to manipulate the mass media, which really shouldn't be a surprise seeing that the mass media is run by lobotomized monkeys.

German Scientists: Smart as 11-year Olds

2008-07-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

From Breitbart.com:

The dangerous rise in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere may be troubling scientists and world leaders but it could prove to be a boon for plants, German researchers said Tuesday.

Thanks, German scientists. I learned that carbon dioxide was good for plants back in 5th grade. You see, plants breathe CO2 like humans breathe oxygen. And interestingly enough, a by-product of photosynthesis is oxygen (just like a by-product of human breathing is CO2).

According to the article, the German scientists have developed a follow-up theory that sun light and warm temperatures are good for plants as well.

I thought Germans were supposed to be good at science? Einstein was German, right?

Airline Uses Classic Road Trip Threat

2008-07-08T07:30:00.003-05:00

We've all been involved in this scenario in one capacity or another. A family is riding along to some destination (presumably fun, like Six Flags* or Disney World), and the kids in the back are getting unruly.

One sibling has violated the sovereign boundaries of the other siblings back seat space (clearly marked by the middle seat belt). Wet-willy attacks are increasing at an exponential rate. And the parents in the front seat are contemplating running into those water barrel things at exits just to make the insanity stop.

Fortunately, the parents stop short of ramming traffic control devices and opt for the classic threat: "If you kids don't stop [insert annoying kid thing here], so help me God, I'm going to turn this car around." And if you're childhood was anything like mine, the car got turned around A LOT.

It appears that this particular technique is not exclusive to family vacation road trips. American Airlines cancelled an entire flight because the passengers had become "verbally agitated and hostile." The flight crew, afraid for their safety and not wanting to deal with a bunch of whiny passengers, refused to fly. Thus, the flight was cancelled.

* - Not Six Flags Over Georgia though. They have evil rides that remove peoples' heads.

People You Don't Mess With

2008-07-07T08:02:00.008-05:00

Welcome back. I trust everyone had a good Fourth of July. We'll start the week off with a D&F Public Service Announcement.

There's just some things you don't do. No matter how funny or entertaining they might be, in the interest of self preservation, you don't do them. Here's a brief (but not inclusive list):

- Wrestle a baby bear - the mom is nearby, and while the little cub may seem fun and a pretty easy match up, the pissed off mama bear is going to rip your face off and most likely use it as TP - like the Charmin bears, except less cute and a hell of alot more painful.

- Agree to do any show on MTV - there's only two options if you're on MTV. One, you're chemically imbalanced and have been selected because the slightest insult will trigger a psychotic rampage which will ultimately end with you in anger management and / or rehab; two, you'll become the target of the aforementioned psychotic episode and, as a result of the attack, develop your own chemical imbalance (and dependency) and then flip out. It's a vicious cycle.

- Not running after hearing the words, "Hi, I'm Chris Hanson. What are you doing here?"

Well, we can add another one to the list: messing with the Israeli intelligence service as part of your new movie. Sacha Baren Cohen's (you may know him as Borat) latest movie is pretty much the same thing as Borat, except now he is a gay German designer named Bruno. The hijinks will ensure.

Anyway, "Bruno" secures an interview with a former Mossad official. You know - the people who hunted down and promptly killed anyone that had anything to do with the 1972 murder of Israeli Olympians (go rent Munich for more detail). Also, the entire Israeli military is bad ass. They've won every war they've ever been in, which includes multiple victories over the same countries (just ask Egypt).

So, in addition to the things mentioned above, D&F recommends that you NOT insult or use someone who has access to highly trained professional assassins during the course of your new movie. While it may seem like a good idea and will probably make people laugh, it's just not worth having your ass beat by a pissed off Jewish secret agent.

This guy just watched "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Fortunately, he thought it was pretty good, so Judd Apatow is only getting a warning shot.

What is this? A Union job?

2008-07-04T07:45:00.002-05:00

No, it's the 4th of July. We'll be back in force on Monday (maybe Sunday, if I get inspired). In the mean time, if you're looking for a little patriotic reading lesson, check out this article from American Thinker.

Have a good 4th of July!

Hypersensitive Muslims SUCK!

2008-07-02T10:00:00.004-05:00

In the Scottish town of Tayside, the local police setup an advertising campaign to educate people on a new non-emergency phone number for the police:

The puppy is a German Shepherd police dog trainee. He's cute, in case you didn't notice. Well, he's cute to normal people. To a group of jerk face Muslims in Tayside, this poster might as have Mohammad giving two thumbs up to Brokeback Mountain.

In yet another reason why Islam sucks, apparently dogs are considered inherently unclean. And the mere picture of a dog is enough to cause outrage in the Muslim world. Is there anything that just mildly irritates a Muslim? Or is it all or nothing with the Religion of Peace? You're either on the good side of Allah, or you're a name on some suicide bomber's to do list.

In response to the outrage, the Tayside police have put up new posters and postcards in the Muslim parts of the town:

Bulldozer Attack?

2008-07-02T06:30:00.000-05:00

From Reuters.com:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A Palestinian rammed a bulldozer into an Israeli commuter bus, cars and pedestrians on one of Jerusalem's busiest streets on Wednesday, killing at least three people and wounding dozens, emergency services said.

First off, the perpetual violence in the Middle East is one of man kind's worst failures. People have been fighting over various parts of this world for over 2,000 years. And to be perfectly honest - there's nothing special about it. It's a friggin' desert. Sure, there's billions of dollars in oil under the sand, but once that is gone, what's the attraction? Nothing.

Having said that, the best a Palestinian could come up with is a bulldozer attack? This sounds like a truth or dare contest turned bad. That, or this particular Palestinian didn't have the cojones to strap on a suicide bomb and fulfill Allah's will like a real man. No 72 virgins for this guy. He can expect a fat post-op tranny that smells like BO and bacon upon his entry into whatever Allah calls heaven.

And what's up with the bus driver not getting out of the way? It's not like bulldozers are high-speed vehicles or even turn quickly. Again, it's tragic, but being sick and twisted, I couldn't help thinking of this classic scene from Austin Powers:

The British Don't Understand 'Prank War'

2008-07-01T07:00:00.002-05:00

Ah, the prank war - what better way to waste time at work than come up with elaborate schemes to make a friend look stupid and / or embarrassed? You and your designated opponent spend countless hours and energy trying to out-prank the other - sending stripper grams, changing the desktop picture on his computer, sending anonymous e-mails strongly recommending a battery of STD tests. The possibilities are endless. And thanks to the Internet, there's always a good idea floating out there.

If there's one thing you don't do during a prank war, you involve the authorities. If you can't come up with an appropriate response to the latest prank, then you are bound by the International Prank War Convention to admit defeat and request a truce. Depending on the circumstances, your defeat may involve purchasing many rounds of beer.

This may seem like common sense to you and me, but to a British man who was obviously in the midst of a prank war, he opted to drop the equivalent of a thermonuclear weapon in the middle of a prank war - he sued his buddy and got the legal system involved. In official prank war terminology, this is called "being a dick."

Here's a brief synopsis of what happened - someone signed Matthew Firsht up for Facebook and changed a couple details - like his sexual orientation. Instead of responding with another prank, Matthew opted to sue the guy. Thanks to the show Friends, we have a textbook example of what the appropriate response should have been in this case (the clip is 9 minutes long):

Craigslist Wanted Post: Spencer Pratt Ass-Whooping Tape

2008-06-30T12:00:00.002-05:00

I take no pride in knowing who Spencer Pratt is. In fact, I find it quite embarrassing that not only do I know his name, I know way more about his life than I ever cared to know. I blame my wife for this, and yes, we are seeking counseling for it.

Anyway, now that Spencer and his idiocy have penetrated my consciousness, I've decided that the next big thing for celebrities to do is have an ass-whooping tape. And, naturally, I've designated Spencer as the inaugural celebrity.

You see, the sex tape thing is old. In fact, it's become an automatic assumption in the American mind that if you have been on TV or even know someone famous, you have a sex tape. No more will anyone in America be surprised at celebrity sex tape. You can thank Vern Troyer for killing that one.

So, to replace the steroid affects of the sex tape (it's been proven to promote C and D list celebrities up to B or even A list), I propose videos of celebrities getting the snot beat out of them, and who better to start it than Spencer? Right - no one.

Legally, I can't say that I will pay money to see someone kick Spencer's ass, but let's just say that your good deed will not go unnoticed. I may even be able to get you eternal consciousness on your death bed.

And yes, I did post this on Craigslist.

Who in the Hell Buys This Crap?

2008-06-30T08:32:00.004-05:00

I'll preface this by admitting that I am not a father, and, therefore, do not know all that goes into caring and raising a baby in today's world. However, I do have extensive baby sitting experience, and my wife and I are the ONLY couple in our immediate circle of friends without a baby / child, so I feel comfortable saying I am familiar, at least, with the basics of modern childcare.

Still, I'm amazed at the sort of gadgets one receives when expecting. Furthermore, I would be seriously pressed to assemble and properly work said gadgets. I once saw all the pieces of a breast pump, and I thought we were getting ready to perform triple bypass surgery. Those handy car seats that also fit into strollers and 13 other mounts? I couldn't even properly strap the kid in.

Despite the complexity, I can usually determine the usefulness of it - even the diaper genie, which is nothing more than a glorified trash can with a couple extra springs - serves a purpose. Nobody likes their room to smell like a used diaper.

And then you have this: a baby wipes warmer. I would not know of this ridiculous piece of plastic had my brother Sean and his wife Christie (who are expecting) not told me of it. I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of "if I didn't have it growing up, then neither should anyone else." For whatever reason, the child care industry in the late 1970's hadn't thought of warming baby wipes. Thus, I was subjected to endless torture sessions when a cold baby wipe would be applied to my nether region. The horror....

Of course, the argument could be made that a big reason why I am so surly and sarcastic today is because my parents neglected to warm the baby wipes to a pleasing temperature prior to cleaning me up. And why would anyone willingly unleash someone like me on an otherwise unsuspecting population?

As always, I digress. I'm going to lump this product in with the absolutely useless likes of presciption mood stabilizers for pets (and pet psychology for that matter). It's also a sign of our country's success when people are paid to come up with crap like this instead of worrying whether or not the re-elected President is going to steal your farm and give it to poor people.

WTF?

2008-06-27T10:05:00.003-05:00

In honor of the state of North Carolina offering a recall on license plates that begin with the letters "WTF", I bring you this lovely story from the Fatherland:

From Reuters.com:

BERLIN (Reuters) A woman trying to make "manure bombs" using stockings, slipped into a slurry tank and fled the scene naked, German police said Friday.

The story doesn't go into why the woman and her accomplice were attempting to make manure bombs, but the popular theory is that it had something to do with Germany winning a soccer game.

As for fleeing the scene naked - well, what's more embarrassing - being drenched in cow manure or being naked? It's a tough choice.

Have a great weekend. We'll see you on Monday.

How I Love Thee, How It's Made

2008-06-26T13:31:00.004-05:00

Last week, I updated my status on Facebook to: "Bobby is watching How It's Made. What is wrong him?"* You see, I love watching How It's Made. I will most likely never use the vast majority of the products featured on this wonderful program, but that doesn't stop me from turning it on virtually every night to see how those kooky Canadians make stuff.**

In response to my status, faithful D&F-er John B. offered this insight:

So, here's the thing about "How's it Made." It's a very dry show and bores the tears out of all wives....everyone of them. Sends them running for them there hills. That's why its a great show. Oh, and there's just something about knowing exactly how to make foil (just in case you need to make some for yourself out in the wild).

You might need to read that again to really appreciate the universal truthfulness of the statement. Katie absolutely despises "How It's Made." She will be sitting comfortably in our living room, reading a book or whatever it is she does while trying to ignore me. I will be flipping channels and find my beloved HIM***, and Katie will promptly leave the room and start cooking dinner / cleaning / laundry. She hates doing laundry, so she must really hate HIM.

Of course, John B's insight begs the question - why do women hate HIM so much? Using my wife as a model for the entire female population (which is a totally acceptable assumption), I've come to the conclusion that women are hard wired to like all things silly, nonsensical, and idiotic. And conversely, they dislike any television programming that is useful.

For example, Katie LOVES shows like The Hills, The Real World, anything on Bravo!, and pretty much any award show no matter how B-list****. Basically, if it involves vapid retards running around overreacting to otherwise mundane problems, Katie deems it good television. I, on the other hand, believe watching such crap actually makes you dumber. And as I've already said, she hates the educational TV (regardless of the subject matter).

Thanks to John B. for decoding that little piece of the Universe. Since learning of this truth, I have programmed the DVR to keep at least 2 episodes of HIM recorded at all times. This way, I can guarantee myself 45 minutes of Katie-free time whenever I want. Brilliant!

* - Proper Facebook etiquette demands that one always refers to himself / herself in the third person when updating one's status.

** - If you pay close enough attention, you'll notice that some of the products are labeled in French, and very few of the name brands are American. Thus, I deduced that How It's Made features crazy Canucks.

*** - Totally not gay acronym

**** - Naturally, this includes the two weeks of pre show coverage on E! and all the gay men grouping big breasts you can handle.

Friday Video Post on Thursday!

2008-06-26T08:11:00.003-05:00

Because this is so friggin' funny, I decided to post it today. WARNING - There is some adult language, so if you're at work, use the headphones.

Please to enjoy:

Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Shocking Headline of the Day

2008-06-25T09:34:00.003-05:00

From the AP's My Way News:

Barack Obama buzz sweeps through the BET Awards

Why is this news? Is there one, single person out there who thought that the people attending the BET Awards or even the people watching the BET Awards would be supporting John McCain?

Perhaps even less shocking is P. Diddy modifying his idiotic mantra of "Vote or Die" to "Obama or Die." Why hasn't some college given P. Diddy an honorary doctorate in political science yet? Dr. Diddy - I like the sound of it.

There was one thing that did catch me by surprise - BET stopped showing infomercials long enough to actually air the award ceremony.

Judge: Duke Football Is The Worst Team....EVER!

2008-06-25T06:30:00.001-05:00

Every college football program out there tries to schedule a couple gimme games each year. The football program at Duke has been an AD favorite for years and years. Not only does it give more quality win points than a victory against a D-II team, but the typical jock loves the notion of beating up the smart rich kids that go to Duke.

And that's what the University of Louisville thought they had. UL had signed a contract with Duke to play four times between 2002 and 2009 - the first game was played in Durham in 2003 (the Cardinals destroyed the Blue Devils 40-3), and the final 3 games were scheduled for the 2007, 2008, and 2009 seasons. However, after being effectively emasculated at home, Duke decided it was tired of being a whipping boy and backed out of the contract.

Louisville, not wanting to give up such an easy opponent, sued for breach of contract. A Kentucky judge ruled in favor of Duke, sighting the fact that the Duke Blue Devil football club is the worst team in the history of football.

According to the contract, in the event of Duke's withdrawal, they would be responsible for finding a "team of similar stature" or face a $150,000 per game penalty - that's a total of $450,000 for those of you playing at home. Duke's lawyers argued that Duke is so bad that in order to find a "team of similar stature", the NCAA would have to allow a local Pop Warner football team to play Louisville. Obviously, this raises significant concerns for the safety of the 10-12 year olds that would be playing the Cardinals. The judge, not wanting to be responsible for the mass paralyzing of an entire little league football team, ruled that any other college team would do instead.

Do you think this is legal equivalent of the "Good Sportsmanship Award" little kids get when they're on the worst team in the league? The judge obviously feels for the Blue Devils and their horrible 6-45 record over the past 5 years. I'm going to have to agree with him. Losing 40-3 at home is flat out embarrassing. Add that to Duke's record of 13-90 since 1999, and it's a wonder that the Duke players could even muster the spirit to put on the uniform each Saturday.

Oh well. Duke has themselves a new coach - David Cutcliffe of Ole Miss and Tennessee fame. So maybe they can get 2 wins this year - they beat Northwestern for their only win last year, FYI.

Guess What I Couldn't Care Less About

2008-06-24T09:00:00.001-05:00

Remember when a strike used to mean something? Workers would join together and sacrifice their wages and livelihood to improve their working conditions - things like machines that don't explode every 5 minutes, workers compensation for being injured on the job, not having to work for next to nothing - benefits that most of us take for granted today. Around the turn of the 20th century, these strikes would often result in riots and deaths.

Today, more of then than not, the strike is being used by people / groups that really have no business in striking. Auto workers, for some reason, believe they're entitled to a pension on par with someone who has spent their life defending this country or serving the public. Professional athletes feel that getting paid a minimum of 6 figures to play a game is totally unfair. I have no idea what a typical television and movie writer makes, but I'm fairly confident that their working conditions are considerably better than a meat packer's in early 20th Century Chicago.

Now, the Screen Actor's Guild is jumping on the "Let's strike" bandwagon. Surprisingly enough, they want some of that Internet money...because making millions of dollars to play make believe simply isn't getting the ends to meet.

One of the aims of a strike is to build sympathy in the public eye by making a sacrifice - going without pay until your demands are met. For a blue collar worker in 1912, not getting paid is a big deal. If George Clooney has to fore go the navigation system and custom rims on his new Escalade because of a strike, I'm really not going to feel that bad for him.

If these jackasses do strike, at least it's in the middle of the summer, and there's still the possibility that the actors will quit being little whiny babies by the time new episodes are to start in the fall. Maybe....

D&F Supports PETA*

2008-06-24T06:00:00.003-05:00

I'm a big fan of steak. Actually, I'm a steak snob to the point where I pretty much refuse to go to a restaurant to eat steak unless it's a Ruths' Chris or Morton's type establishment. As a result, Katie and I actually go out for steak once or twice a year (when you add my steak snobbery with my enjoyment of wine and scotch, it's very easy to get on the better side of $200 for a really enjoyable dinner).

I'm fairly certain that my body would stop working if I only had steak once every six months, so over the past few years, I've strived to perfect cooking steaks at home. I'm pretty good on the gas grill and have since moved onto charcoal grilling (which gives the steak an awesome smokey flavor).

However, I have not been able to replicate the Morton's / Ruth's Chris broiler style - primarily due to the fact that I do not have a broiler capable of reaching 1500 degrees. That is, until my good brother Sean found a procedure for doing just that. Don't worry - reaching 1500 degrees is not required.

So, here's the recipe and technique.

And here's a video that demonstrates as well as provides some good background information.

Also, if you like you're steak cooked more than the rare side of medium, this technique probably isn't for you. The steaks we had the other night were, without question, the best steaks I had served. The method is quick, easy, and it provides an excellent meal.

*

AP Says Your Life Sucks; Suicide Viable Option

2008-06-23T09:30:00.002-05:00

It must be a slow news day. Instead of doing actual journalism - you know, things like researching a story, getting the facts, writing a compelling piece to make sure the public is informed - the AP has opted to post a story (and I use that term VERY loosely) about how the world is coming to an end.

Yep, that's some responsible journalism right there. Let's not look at how Obama has either flip-flopped or changed his tune on virtually every campaign platform he has; don't even try to research whether or not drilling for oil on American soil is a viable option to the current oil crisis. Nope - the editors at the AP felt everyone in the world was a little too happy, and they took it upon themselves to knock us down a couple pegs.

I don't know if the picture will change, but when I first read the story, the headline "Everything is seemingly spinning out of control," was placed next to a picture of the hosts of The View. I don't think there's a better visual representation of the Apocalypse than the idiotic talking heads from The View. At least you got that part right, AP.

Maybe there should be some sort of rule at the AP about writing stories while crashing from the weekend binge. Oh well.

Seriously...Monday...Again????

2008-06-23T06:00:00.003-05:00

These weekends are entirely too short. Plus, I spent most of the weekend working on the house. While it's actually enjoyable and somewhat relaxing to do this, it's still work which prevents me from doing my normal weekend activity of doing absolutely nothing (and drinking...No, I don't have a problem!). Of course, we're still a couple months away from football season, so it's not like there's anything on television anyway.

I'm trying to avoid as many political posts, but every now and then I hear something from someone in politics that reassures my faith in the democratic system; and I think it's worthy of passing on. Last week, Obama changed the Presidential Seal as a marketing gimmick, and he also did a preemptive "Republicans are being racist" attack.

In response, Lt. Colonel Alan West - who is running for Florida's 22nd district Congressional seat - had this to say about Obama's preemptive strike:

"My advice to Senator Obama is to run as a Man and Leader, and the American people will evaluate you as such, not as a victim. This is a Presidential race, based solely on a capacity to lead the United States of America. It is not about skin tone...however, perhaps we should come to expect these immature statements.

It also seems rather humorous that the Presidential candidate who was supposed to be such a "uniter" and transcend race is the one talking about it the most. If Senator Obama was confident in his abilities and character, he would not need to create a crutch for failure. Senator Obama has just tipped his hand, any criticism of him and his policies will be directly attributed to racism. I congratulate Senator Obama for taking race relations in America back some 30 years."

Lt. Col West - First off, thank you for your service. Second, I don't know anything about you or your campaign, but your statement indicates an intelligence and honesty in politics that is extremely rare. I hope your campaign follows suit. Good luck in the election.

Check out Lt. Colonel West's campaign website: Allen West for Congress.

I seriously hope to see more of this gentleman in the future of our country.

Need An Excuse for All That Porn?

2008-06-21T06:00:00.002-05:00

From Foxnews.com:

Computer malware may have cost a former Massachusetts civil servant his job, his friends, his health insurance, his pension — and nearly his freedom.

Michael Fiola entered his own personal hell in March 2007 when his boss at the Massachusetts Department of Industrial Accidents told him that a large amount of pornography, including kiddie porn, had been found on his state-issued laptop — and that he was being fired immediately.

First off, this guy is an absolute genius. In case you didn't read the article, Michael blamed the ridiculous amount of porn found on his computer on a virus that magically uploaded porn onto his government issued computer without his knowledge.

Granted, his life got ruined in the process, but at least the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has officially said that he didn't upload that porn onto his computer. And that's what it's really about - finding a suitable scape goat / excuse for all the freaky things you look at on the Internet. I will definitely be using this excuse next time my boss catches me looking at anything not work related on my computer. Be careful though - this is a one time use only excuse. After that, you'll have to own up to what floats your boat.

And since we're all about education here at D&F - the new phrase of the day is Rule 34. Rule 34 states that pornogrpahy or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. For more information on this universal truth, check out Urban Dictionary.

It's Friday, Bitches

2008-06-20T09:00:00.002-05:00

I started out this week really upset. I was going to have to work 5 full days. What is up with that? Fortunately, I was able to disguise a road trip to see the wife out on the North Carolina coast as job site visits, and, thus, was able to turn 5 days of work into 3.1845 days of work.

And Man Alive, those almost 3.2 days of work really did me in. I am now counting down the minutes until happy hour. I know you are too.

So, in an effort to make happy hour enjoyable for everyone, I bring you a little lesson in happy hour etiquette. Faithful D&F-er B1 sent this over because like his son, he enjoys a cocktail or two at the end of a tough work week, but hates it when people with no taste in music ruin it with crappy jukebox selections.

Please to enjoy: 14 Songs You Should Never Play in a Bar.

FYI - Canada SUCKS!

2008-06-20T06:00:00.007-05:00

Making fun of Canada is awesome. Their unofficial name is America Jr - they're like our little, kind of dim brother. Don't get me wrong - tons of great things have come out of Canada: hot chicks, decent beer, funny comedians - but when you venture outside the bounds of good looking women and hilarity, you're left with a bunch of crazy, drunk people who apparently really enjoy making legal decisions that make our judicial and tort systems seem like a Stalin-type KGB institution.

A couple weeks ago, Mark Steyn (we feature his columns every now and then) was on trial for offending a group of Muslims. For those of you not familiar with the case, Canada has a sort of human rights commission. Originally, this commission was supposed to ensure fair hiring practices for all Canadian citizens.

It has since turned into a kangaroo court where any minority can charge anyone else for offensive remarks. The comments in this case revolve around the idea that Western Europe is succumbing to Islamic imperialism by the influx of Muslim population. Never mind the fact that by bringing these ridiculous charges, the Muslims (in this case) are proving Mark Steyn right. If you think the PC movement in this country could never go that far, recall Geraldine Ferraro and how quickly she was bounced from the Clinton campaign for suggesting that race was a big part of why Obama secured the nomination.

The latest joke of a judicial decision comes from Canadian judge Suzzane Tessier. She ruled that a father's grounding of his 12-year old daughter for breaking house rules was entirely too severe. Naturally, Judge Suzzy reversed the decision and freed the little brat of the oppressive regime. For good measure, the judge also ordered the minor to immediately get drunk, have unprotected sex until she was pregnant, and then get an abortion (all covered by the state, naturally).

I give Canada no more than 2 years before they outlaw parents all together. Canadians will be able to have all the sex they want, but as soon as a baby manages not to get aborted and be born, it will become a ward of the state where absolutely no discipline or morals will be instilled, and no individual responsibility taken for anything beyond one's own breathing. The State will take care of everything else. At which point, they will have to change their name to France Jr.

Because Socialism Works, Dumbass

2008-06-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

There should be some sort of test one has to take if he wants to be a civil servant - elected, career bureaucrat, whatever. The test should cover the basics of how government works and, more importantly, how simple economic and capitalist principles work.

The power that congress and, to some extent, the President wield over the economy is vast, so it's only logical that the people deciding how much to tax, spend, and waste our money at a very minimum understand the basics. Is that too much to ask? Doctors have to pass exams. Lawyers have to take a bar. What do elected officials have to do? Say things that me people feel good? Well, hell, let's elect every stripper and prostitute out there. They know how to make people feel good about wasting their money.

Yesterday, House Democrats held a little press conference where they made it perfectly clear that the solution to high gas prices was the socialization of oil refineries. For the political junkies out there, this really isn't a surprise. The last time the oil company executives were on the Hill for their quarterly tongue lashing, one brainiac congresswoman came out and said that she was ready to socialize the entire oil industry.

What's shocking about this latest press conference is the absolute ignorance these lawmakers demonstrate when it comes to how the oil industry operates. Rep. Maurice Hinchey made the brilliant statement that, "We (the government) should own the refineries. Then we can control how much gets out into the market."

Maurice seems to think that the oil companies are hoarding oil; that there is a stockpile sitting somewhere out there, and the oil companies are purposefully limiting supply to keep the price inflated. The only logical explanation for why Maurice believes this is that he does not know where oil comes from. And naturally, he and the rest of the Democrat Representatives at the press conference are steadfastly opposed to expanding drilling here in the states. Because as every college freshman knows, increased supply has no affect on price. Wait - that doesn't sound right...

The only socialized industry that functions effectively is the Postal Service, and they still have competition (FedEx, UPS, DHL, etc.). AMTRAK would have been out of business years ago if not for federal subsidies. Countries that adopted wholesale socialism (the Soviet Union, Cuba, most of western Europe) are either no longer existent or in serious trouble. Why would we want that?

I'm reminded of a great Ronald Reagan quote -"The scariest 9 words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.'"

WTF?

2008-06-19T08:37:00.001-05:00

From WBZTV.com:

GLOUCESTER (WBZ) ― There's a stunning twist to the sudden rise in teen pregnancies at Gloucester High School. 17 students there are expecting and, according to a published report, most of them became that way on purpose. Time Magazine is reporting that nearly half of the girls confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. None of the girls is older than 16.

The Breakfast of Champions

2008-06-19T06:14:00.003-05:00

Trying to get motivated for another fun-filled day at work? Me too. I did manage to get out of the office the past two days, so I'm feeling pretty confident I can make it through the end of the week without hurting anyone. That, and I finally perfected the coffee-whiskey-mood stabilizer cocktail that will keep everyone's volume to a low murmur while keeping me functional enough to perform the minimum amount of work required.

Here's some brain fodder to get your mind working this beautiful Thursday morning:

Obama and McCain Spout Economic Nonsense

Obama's Plan for Defeat

I'll be back later with a better post - just thought these were decent articles that - even if you don't agree with the opinions contained - will at least get you thinking about the multitude of issues that are involved with this election.

Al Gore Is A Moron

2008-06-18T11:46:00.007-05:00

About a year ago, Al Gore's monthly energy costs were big news. Al and the Gore clan live in a swanky mansion outside Nashville, and according to the local utility companies, they use about 10 times as much electricity, water, and gas as a typical single family home. There's also the massive amount of carbon dioxide Al Gore emits flying in a private jet around the world, telling everyone that doing things like flying private jets is going to destroy the world next week.

Of course the global warming skeptics pointed to this hypocritical behavior and basically called Al a modern day snake oil salesman. Al's counter? He buys carbon offsets, in his eyes, his carbon footprint is non existent.

The theory behind carbon offsets is this - people who have large carbon footprints "buy" unused carbon emissions from people who are not using their allotted amount. This begs the question - who determines how much carbon one person is allowed? Great question. Does anyone know who determines this magical number? Wait - since carbon is so bad, wouldn't it be better if we just do less carbon emitting activities instead of buying imaginary offsets that really don't reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the first place?

Anyway - back to Al's mansion - shortly after the story broke last year, Al made a pledge to make his house more energy efficient - solar panels, compact fluorescent light bulbs, geothermal heat, etc. To his credit, he actually did install said items. And what good did it do? Ironically enough - about the same amount of good as buying a carbon offset. Instead of reducing the amount of energy used, Al's efforts to make his home greener resulted in a massive increase in energy use.

According to the Tennessee Center for Policy Research:

"Since taking steps to make his home more environmentally-friendly last June, Gore devours an average of 17,768 kWh per month –1,638 kWh more energy per month than before the renovations – at a cost of $16,533. By comparison, the average American household consumes 11,040 kWh in an entire year, according to the Energy Information Administration."

Just to put those numbers into perspective - Al Gore uses enough energy in one month to power over 200 typical American homes for a month. I bet Al keeps the AC pumping 24 hours a day too.

And in case you're wondering how Al can afford the $16,500 monthly energy bills, it's estimated that he has increased his wealth by about $100 million thanks to global warming speaking fees and investments that did very well thanks to global warming hysteria.

Idiot Abuses Legal System

2008-06-17T06:30:00.004-05:00

Maybe that isn't the best headline? It's more a statement of fact / universal truth, and at the very least a headline should give the reader some insight into what the story holds beyond stating the obvious. Oh well. I'll work on that.

Anyway, D&F-er John B. alerted us to this latest complete and utter abuse of our tort system. Past instances include cases like "Hot cup of coffee v. moron," and "Fat, stupid people looking for someone to blame for their fatness other than themselves v. McDonald's" And yes, those are the actual cases titles. I looked it up.

According to The Smoking Gun, Haywood Rosales became glued to a Home Depot bathroom toilet after sitting on the aforementioned toilet. He's suing Home Depot and its insurer for $25,000 to cover the medical bills and, of course, the pain, suffering, and embarrassment that goes along with getting one's ass glued to a public toilet seat. That, naturally, begs the question - if it was so embarrassing to have your rear end attached to a toilet seat in the first place, why would you opt to relive the experience by filing public litigation papers?

Before Haywood tackles that question - I have one other, very important, question. Why, Mr. Rosales, did you not check the landing zone before taking care of business? I don't care who you are or where you come from. Everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) checks the toilet seat before they sit down. And I'm not talking about a cursory glance to make sure there's no evidence of the prior occupant's visit. I'm talking about a CSI-type examination for leftover fluids, solids, and if you have OCD, a UV-light examination. Surely, a wet super-glue type adhesive would be readily visible.

Of course, the possibility of an emergency situation must be addressed. Perhaps Mr. Rosales was having a rather "rough" GI day, and time did not permit the customary recon of designated landing zone. At first glance this may seem like a plausible explanation. But (no pun intended) it is not. When a sufficient recon cannot be conducted, the hover method is to be employed. In fact, the hover method should be employed if the seat appears clean but other circumstances would lead one to believe the area is contaminated.

So, in light of this information, D&F is going to have to call shenanigans on Mr. Rosales lawsuit. Next time, he would do well to remember the 6 R's of public bathroom use:

-Recon the designated area

-Remove necessary clothing

-Release (do I really need to finish this one)

-Rinse (again...)

-Recover (put removed clothing back on)

-Retreat from the premises

To The 14 People Who Live in Wyoming:

2008-06-16T12:00:00.005-05:00

Back when William actually contributed to this blog, he signed up for a nifty little service from Google that will show how many hits the blog has had, what people are speanding time on, where they are, and a couple other things. It's intended to help buisness better tailor their websites to generate more traffic and ultimately revenue. William and I use it to see how many people are reading out mindless rants.

Anyway, we've managed to piss off the entire population of Wyoming (all 14 of them), and D&F is now being boycotted by the entire state. According to Google, no one from Wyoming has visited D&F in the past month. FYI, someone from every state in the Union (except Wyoming) has visited D&F in the past month.

I'm kind of surprised that it took this long for an organzied boycott to surface against Dink & Flika, but that's beside the point. The only other possible explanation is that the one Internet connection is down, and no one has reset the cable modem yet. Who knows?

To be on the safe side - D&F would like to officially apologize for whatever we said that offended the entire population of Wyoming. We really would appreciate your readership, and we are willing to do some articles of interest to Wyomingnites - the recent advances in dirt farming, what to think about this new fangled indoor plumbing, and how to deal with radioactive mutant mountain people.

Hope to hear from you soon, Wyoming!

Spoiler Alert / George Bush Hates Farmers

2008-06-16T07:00:00.001-05:00

I'm having a hard time deciding what to blog about this morning. Here are the two choices: the catastrophic floods in Iowa or M. Night Shyamalan's latest way to make you waste 2 hours of your life - otherwise known as The Happening. You know what? We're going to do both. That's right - it's 2-fer Monday.

First off, if you have any interest in watching The Happening, stop reading now. If you have no interest in the movie or have already seen it - please join me in demanding M. Night Shyamalan give back the 2 hours of my life for that horrible, horrible movie.

Had I'd known it was a tree-hugger / we need to stop hurting the earth movie, I would have never agreed to go see it. I was hoping for some creepy aliens or government conspiracy. But no, instead I get Marky Mark telling me that trees and plants are pissed, and they somehow have the ability to release toxins that make people kill themselves. Here's the thing: the prevailing theory among nut-job environmentalists is that an excess of carbon dioxide is going to cause the end of the world. Plants breathe CO2. So why would they want to kill humans that are giving them life?

M. Night should do a little more research before his next movie. And Marky Mark as a science teacher? I was going to let the stupid trees killing humans idea fly, but when you try and make me believe Marky Mark is responsible for the education of our nation's youth? That's where "willing suspension of disbelief" quits working.

Onto the next topic - in case you missed the 27 second news coverage of the floods in Iowa (who can blame you? The various media outlets have had their plates full telling us all how awesome Tim Russert was*, and the second by second update of what sort of hopeful change Obama is peddling at that particular moment). The entire state of Iowa is under six feet of water. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but the flooding is pretty serious.

Levees have broken; there's hundreds of millions of dollars in damage; people are dead; entire towns have been destroyed. It's actually not too dissimilar from the sort of destruction we saw after Hurrican Katrina. And, in all honesty, the farmlands of Iowa and other affected areas are much more vital to this country's and other countries' food supply than the debauchery factory that is New Orleans (don't get me wrong - I've had my share of fun in the Crescent City, but Mardi Gras doesn't exactly feed third world countries).

So, here's what I'll be looking for from the media and celebrities in the very near future:

- A telethon with all the A-listers you can find. This telethon is to include popular songs re-written to illustrate the plight of the farmers; people who have never been to Iowa telling us how beautiful it is; and a prominent rapper saying George W. Bush doesn't care about white people (I checked the stats, Iowa is only 2.5% black, and I'm pretty sure the majority of that 2.5% was just driving through the state when the census was taken.)

- Everyone from the local garbage man up through the city, state, and national governments being blamed for not responding fast enough. Also, if all the TV show writers could work in some sort of quip about how ineffective the government was for the fall premieres, that would be great (It took the government 4 days to get water to the Superdome...)

- Louis Farakhan (or the white equivalent, if there is one) telling everyone he personally saw someone placing explosives at the levees (this goes back to W hating white people).

- And finally, Sean Penn, in a row boat, with a shotgun, surveying the death and destruction then getting on national TV and repeating that George Bush doesn't care about white people.

Don't worry. I'm not holding my breath.

* - D&F sends our condolonces to the Russert family, but it's not like the guy cured cancer or brought about world peace. It drives me crazy when a journalist dies because EVERYONE in the media acts like it's the first time someone has had a heart attack or whatever caused the death. I know, I'm a mean bastard.

Chicken Little Comes Home to Roost

2008-06-13T06:30:00.003-05:00

Outside of reality shows, idiot celebrities, and the abduction and subsequent murder of white girls, there's not much else that will instantaneously transfix the population of this country (and most others for that matter) than a dire prediction about the future of our civilization.

We can see this phenomenon manifest itself in otherwise harmless mediums like movies and TV shows (I Am Legend, Armageddon, Soylent Green - the list goes on), or it can grow into something that shapes national and global economic policy (the Church of Global Warming, for example). Most modern religions have some sort of doomsday prophecy at their core, and every now and then an extremist sect gains national attention for their "the end is nigh" predictions.

The point is that pretty much since man organized into complex civilization, he has predicted the end of that civilization. Here's a quick list of the most recent instances of the end days:

- In the late 1960's and 1970's, many a scientist were absolutely certain that the human species would very shortly outgrow the natural resources of the Earth. Mass starvation, famine, riots, and other fun things would almost certainly end mankind's dominance of the planet. Paul Enrich wrote a book about it - The Population Bomb; and there were several computer models that backed up the doomsday scenario.

- Toward the end of the 70's, perhaps in response to the absolute silliness that was disco, the flavor of the day was global cooling. Another ice age was fast approaching, and unless immediate action was taken, mankind would meet its end.

- Global warming came about in the late 1980's, spread during the 90's, and today it's accepted as scientific fact by most people. For an excellent treatise on global warming, read this speech by Michael Crichton.

- Finally, there was the Y2K scare. Even yours truly was expecting a major societal breakdown when the clock struck 12:00 on January 1, 2000. But just like the multitude of religious apocalypse predictions, nothing happened. It was a New Years like every other.

ABC News must have felt that not enough people were concerned about the end of the world. As such, they have a special coming in September that ask the ominous questions, "Are we living in the last century of our civilization? Is it possible that all of our technology, knowledge and wealth cannot save us from ourselves? Could our society actually be heading towards collapse?"

Awesome. I love it when unproved theories are passed off as scientific fact. What's better is that they're asking regular people to submit videos of their fears and predictions based on their observations of the world. Talk about crack journalism - two hours of the people that say the tornado sounded like a big freight train are going to explain how to save the human civilization.

I'm actually kind of thankful that come September, I will be so wrapped up in law school homework that I won't have time to watch this special.

Time Flies When You Suck

2008-06-12T12:00:00.003-05:00

With football season fast approaching, I feel it's appropriate to go ahead and start setting the mood. We here at D&F are huge Auburn fans, and since we're not professional journalists, I don't feel the need to try and be objective in my reporting / commenting on college football. As such, Alabama sucks.

Do you know how much Alabama sucks? Well, consider this: the last time Alabama beat Auburn, you could buy a gallon of gas for $1.29.

WAR DAMN EAGLE!

Dennis Kucinich Is An Oxygen Thief

2008-06-12T06:48:00.003-05:00

While combing various news sources as part of my daily routine, I came across this little gem of an opinion piece. Marie Cocco, according to a hasty Google search, works for The Washington Post. Apparently, she thinks Dennis Kucinich is a stand-up guy, and not an insane recovering Oompa-Loompa (do you know how many surgeries it takes to get rid of that orange skin?). For those of you not familiar with the Ohio Congressman, he runs for President each election cycle and prides himself on coming up with the absolute most liberal positions in the country. Oh yeah, and he believes aliens have visited Earth as well. But I digress.

Marie thinks Dennis' 35 articles of impeachment for Bush was a complete and compelling litany of Bush's transgressions. Based solely on her selected quotes, I can tell you the articles are based entirely on liberal / Democrat talking points and conspiracy theories. But hey - whatever works. What's interesting, however, is how Rep. Kucinich went about presenting his Articles of Impeachment. Dennis spent 5+ hours on the floor of the House outlining his charges. 5 HOURS! And he didn't accomplish jack squat. Nada. The Articles of Impeachment were given a pass.

Because I'm such a huge fan of government, I decided to do a little math and figure out exactly how much taxpayer money the Dennis Kucinich wasted on this little stunt. According to Washminster, the budget for running the House of Representatives for fiscal year 2008 is $1.2 billion (this includes salaries for representatives, office personnel, and the various other costs associated with running the country, or something). Congress works roughly 150 days a year, and we'll say they work 10-hour days. Personally, I think that's generous, but for the sake of argument, I'll go along with it.

If you do the math, it costs $794,701.99 per hour to run the House of Representatives. Multiply that times 5, and you get $3,973,509.95

Good job, Dennis. You blew nearly $4 million on absolutely nothing. It takes some real talent to burn through that much money and have nothing to show for it.

* - And yes, that is a cetrified anti-alien mind reading aluminum foil hat Dennis is sporting.

Totally Uncalled For

2008-06-10T09:23:00.003-05:00

Is this really necessary? Having salmonella laced tomatoes popping up around the country is scary enough, so I don't see why they had to find the guy voted "Most Likely to Be a Mad Scientist" to hold the bag of poisoned tomatoes.

Not Much Else To Do in Antartica

2008-06-10T06:49:00.005-05:00

Did you know that the US government has a research station on Antarctica? I've seen some movie trailers that are based on this concept, so I'm going to say, Yes, I did know. I'm really not sure what purpose this research station serves, and to be honest, for the purpose of this post, it really doesn't matter.

According to to Reuters, the very last shipment to reach the base before 2 and half months of darkness was 16,500 condoms. During the winter months, there's a skeleton crew at the site, so that means about 125 people. That works out to 132 condoms for each person for approximately 75 days. That averages out to 1.76 condoms per person per day. Now, you could have all sort of fun with numbers at this point (male to female ratio, how many partners each person has, the occurrence of STD's, the "Smurfette" phenomenon), but there's really only one question that needs to be asked.

How the hell do these people find time to do research?

Government is Always the Answer

2008-06-09T14:00:00.005-05:00

Well, it seems the Federal government is not going to do anything to stop global warming - at least not this session. So, as the saying goes, if you want something done right, you better do it yourself. Small towns across America are no stranger to applying this theory to government and policies. I know of at least 2 city councils that have passed resolutions that label Bush and his cabinet as war criminals and / or call for the impeachment of anyone and everyone who ever thought about or actually voted for Bush. I can't set foot in 4 different Vermont counties because of the later.

Anyyway, it seems the business of stopping global warming (or climate change), like impeacing Bush, has fallen to the steadfast shoulders of local governments. I'm sorry - the repair of pot holes and approving the Strawberry Festival budget is business that is going to have to take back seat to climate change. After all, global warming is a crisis...right?

First up, Seattle is considering a ban on bon fires in public parks in an effort to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Good job, Seattle. While they're at it, Seattle should go ahead and outlaw the following things because they too release CO2 - lightening (it causes forest fires) and breathing. Idiots.

And not to be outdone, Minneapolis has now decreed that if you are in city limits, you can only idle your vehicle for 3 minutes, unless you're in traffic (because your engine doesn't release CO2 when you're sitting in traffic?). Random side note - on most cars, idling for 10 seconds uses the same amount of gas as starting your engine. So, if you're like me and used to keep your car running because you thought it wasted less gas than starting it again, you're wrong. That's not to say I am starting to care about the environment. Nope - I care about not having to take a second mortgage just to fill up my car every week.

So all you global warming nazis out there - fear not. Seattle and Minneapolis are doing their part to prevent the impending crisis, or something....

Phoning It In Friday

2008-06-06T06:01:00.002-05:00

I'm driving to Ohio today to make fun of all THE Ohio State Fans for loosing the National Championship to AN SEC team 2 years in a row. Oh yeah, and there's a wedding too, but the primary purpose is to make sure Big-10 fans understand that they are in the Bush League while the SEC is the number one place NFL scouts go when looking for game changers. MAN ALIVE - I cannot wait for football season to start.

But because I love you D&F-ers, here's a classic video to make you laugh and hopefully start the weekend off on a good note. Please to enjoy:

P.S. - Everyone should send an e-mail to William (link to the right) for his slacker post yesterday. I know for a fact he had nothing better to do than sit around at his apartment complex pool and drink Coke Zero, and all he came up with was free doughnuts? Come on!

Free Doughnuts!!!!

2008-06-05T14:42:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine emailed me some great news for all those saturated fat and delicious glazed taste fans. Friday, June 6 is National Doughnut Day and Krispy Kreme is giving away free doughnuts. And to answer your next question…you can pick any doughnut you want.

Don’t say D&F doesn’t do anything for our loyal reader.

As a side note…you can sign up as a “Friend of Krispy Kreme” and get a coupon for a free glazed doughnut. Tomorrow could be a twofer. Fantastic.

The US Will Be 2 Years Old This July

2008-06-05T06:13:00.005-05:00

One (of the many) recurring Democratic themes is that the United States is failing miserably to take care of the middle class and poverty stricken people across the land; that the haves couldn't care less about the have nots; and that the only way for a person in the lower realms of society to better himself is by becoming hopelessly dependent on government welfare programs. This socialist (almost communist) theme found its way into national policy in the 1930's and continued to dominate Democratic talking points in every election since.

Well, that would be the case if you were a "traditional" student of American history. Apparently, if you're Barack Obama or one of his lobotomized followers, the US hasn't done jack squat to help the little guy since, well, since forever. I present for your review some highlights from the Messiah's speech on Tuesday night.

First, the setup: while Obama actually manages not to use the words "hope" or "change" here, you can't help but feel hopeful for change after hearing this:

"Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment..." (Random note: during the North Carolina primary, I saw an Obama ad where he said the word "change" over 10 times in 30 seconds)

All right, so Obama is clearly going to reveal something that he is going to do that the United States has never, ever done before. And what are these things?

1. "...when we began to provide care for the sick..." Holy crap. Why the hell have I been paying $300+ a month in Social Security and Medicare taxes? I could have sworn that Social Security was part of the New Deal (1930's), and Medicare was part of The Great Society (1960's).

2. "...and good jobs to the jobless..." Again, the New Deal apparently never happened. But then again, who needs to get a job when you can live just fine off unemployment, welfare, and social security?

3. "...this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal..." The oceans are rising less because the Earth is getting colder. If Dems could comprehend time in a geological sense, they would realize that 20 years is a drop in the geological bucket, and global warming is much better for life than another ice age.

4. "...this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth..." World War I, World War II, the Cold War - all of these wars required massive sacrifice in order to win, and we sure as hell didn't win them by quitting in the middle of it. Plus, the argument can be made that we're still working on securing Europe and Asia.

5. "...when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves and our highest ideals." The word you need to focus on here is "remake." That means major overhaul, start over, a drastic change. I don't know about you, but I think while we certainly don't have the perfect solution, it's the best option out there. Can we improve? Always. Life will never be perfect, and to imply that government can make it perfect? Well, that's idiotic.

Barack Obama is the last thing this country needs right now. Of course, John McCain isn't the ideal candidate, but at least he seems to get the basics of what this country is.

It's what I think...

2008-06-04T13:27:00.004-05:00

The Presidential race of 2008 is set. In the left corner wearing the white flag of surrender is Barack Obama. In the right corner wearing something that won’t offend anyone is John McCain (did you see his speech last night in front of a green backdrop? Give me a break; no one takes you seriously as an environmentalist…good try though). If anyone has trouble sleeping in the next 5 months, just turn on the news and listen to these two guys go at it. It will be about as exciting as watching me play soccer when I was 4.

I was burned out with this nomination battle since Mitt Romney decided to give up his bid in March…and since then we have all had to endure watching Hillary’s slow and painful political death, while watching Barack do absolutely nothing to get his party’s nomination. I have never seen someone so undeserving win something so big. It almost reminds me of the time when Oklahoma got a spot in the National Championship game in 2004 over Auburn and went on to lose by 40 points to USC. Not that Hillary would have been better than Obama…but she has paid her dues and probably “deserved” it more.

Do I think Obama will get obliterated in the general election? I have no idea. I hope he does. He has not said one concrete thing of what he will do while president except to say that he “hopes” for “change”. Also, he has been endorsed by Jimmy Carter. I am not saying that alone should make people not vote for him, but it should give people pause. Do we really want another Jimmy Carter in the White House? I mean, who doesn’t love 20% inflation, sitting down with terrorist, having our embassies and its staff taken over and blaming America and its closest allies first for everything that goes wrong in this world.

This doesn’t mean however that John McCain is the answer either. I think both men offer very little in terms of making this country better than it is right now. I think both offer tired answers to questions that need new thinking. How are we going to strengthen our dollar so oil prices drop? How are we going to stay on the offensive in a war that the enemy won’t stop till we all drop dead (McCain is on the right track with this answer…but he needs to be a little more concrete about it)? Why is it that the only way politicians think problems can be fixed is by taxing more and spending more? Why is it that the greatest country in the history of the world gets such piss poor candidates for president (they probably won’t answer that one)?

As much as I do not like Barack Obama and think he will be a disaster for us, I cannot bring myself to vote for John McCain either. He has abandoned and betrayed everything that is core to the conservative movement. Therefore, I suggest to those who feel the same way I do, write in Ronald Wilson Reagan’s name. He will do a better job dead than these two guys will alive.

My Worst Nightmare

2008-06-04T06:30:00.000-05:00

Every couple years, some bat-s**t crazy guy escapes from the local nut house, gets hold of a video camera, and manages to con a couple media outlets into featuring his conspiracy theories on the pending alien invasion. Back in the 90's, one of them managed to get Fox to do a whole special on a supposed autopsy of an alien, complete with doctors and a pretty accurate recreation of what autopsies look like on shows like Law and Order and CSI. They even got nerd royalty Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker for you non-Trekkies) to host the thing. Don't pretend you didn't watch it.

Last week, the latest refugee emerged in Denver, and even got a headline on Drudge about his "video" of an alien visiting in house. To establish his credibility, Stan Romanek revealed that he had been the victim of alien abductions for years, and he could not longer silently stand by while these nefarious E.T.'s continued their reign of terror and cattle mutilation. Here's a screen shot of Stan's nemesis:

The "alien" is the Nerf football looking thing in the lower-middle of the window. Now, I have a serious fear of alien abduction. It's so bad that I pretty much refuse to watch any sort of UFO show close to bedtime. That doesn't mean I don't watch them - just not close to bedtime. So I've seen my fair share of alien documentaries, and this has got to be, without question, the absolute worst "video evidence" of aliens I have ever seen. It's not even a good recreation.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one. An unidentified Colorado man set out to debunk this convincing evidence by making his own "creepy alien looking through the window" video. This one actually does freak me out, and I haven't been able to sleep for a couple nights because of it:

Take note all you insane alien conspiracy theorists out there. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to maintain a professional standard. You're not going to convince anyone of your nut-job ideas with a Nerf Ball and a Sharpie. You have to go the extra mile and get some freaky-looking puppet action going on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fashion a tin foil hat to keep the alien invaders from reading my thoughts.

My father, the inventor of Toaster Strudels The Pringles Can...

2008-06-03T09:56:00.003-05:00

This takes me back to Mean Girls when that chick’s dad was the inventor of Toaster Strudels. The inventor (I use the term lightly) of the Pringles can died recently and his last wish was to be buried in the can that made him millions. There are two things that you learn from reading this article. One, this guy seemed a little fixated on his “crowning” achievement and two, the Pringles can is considered an invention. Never have I looked at the can and said to myself, “self…why didn’t I think of that?” Or, “that guy is making a killing, whoever invented a tube shaped container for chips.”

So the lesson on this one boys and girls out there in D&F land…no matter how stupid or small your invention may be…it could one day be used to store your dead body. Think about how much you will save when you don’t have to buy a coffin or urn.

The Return of Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3

2008-06-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

With the amount of legislation and Constitutional Amendments addressing slavery and voting, you would think that our government would be able to figure it out. Yes, I know it's a long shot to think the government is capable of figuring anything out, especially when it's so clearly articulated. But I can hope.

A brief history lesson: during the Constitutional Convention of 1787, the northern, mostly anti-slavery states maintained that since slaves could not vote and were legally considered property (thanks, Dred Scott*) then they should not be counted as population. The southern, pro-slavery states wanted the population numbers which translated to more seats in the House of Representatives and more electoral college votes (more political power). The compromise resulted in Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the US Constitution which said that one slave equals 3/5 of a person. See? Even when the country was new, the government still managed to make stupid decisions that really didn't solve anything.

Anyway, the 13th and 14th Amendments effectively rendered that little section of the Constitution moot, and future legislation and Amendments would ensure that every adult citizen counted for one whole person and had one whole vote. That is, until the DNC's Rules and Bylaws Committee met this past weekend.

The DNC RBC went a step further than its predecessor and effectively said that Michigan and Florida delegates, while whole people in reality, only count for half a vote when it comes to picking a candidate. I'm too lazy to sort through exact numbers, but this motion disenfranchises several hundred thousand voters.

Good job, Democratic Party - you've managed to violate at least 4 Constitutional Amendments, the entire Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Voting Rights Act of 1965, and 3 bylaws of the Cape Cod Homeowners Association. Impressive.

* - The Dred Scott v. Sandford decision was handed down 70 years after the Constitutional Convention, but it doesn't change the fact that most people viewed slaves as property in 18th Century America.

Are you kidding me?

2008-06-02T13:46:00.004-05:00

Does this make me look fat? Seriously...does it?

When I die, if I do not get more press than Yves Saint Laurent I am going to be pissed. For those who are incredibly not cultured like me…he made clothes. When I look at movies like Devil Wears Prada or magazines like Vogue or TV shows like Project Runway…I often question what exactly they are bringing to society. My answer is nothing. Fashion designers for the most part design clothes that will never be worn by anyone other than anorexic models.

If anyone out there in D&F land could tell me how Yves Saint Laurent changed your life, please leave a comment. In the 3 minutes of research that I have done on him…I can’t find any life altering work that he did. I don’t mean to be heartless…but come on. There are so many other sad stories of death that we could report on and hold internet chats about (that is what I linked to). Today President Bush honored a fallen soldier with the Congressional Medal of Honor...but I am sure the media is more worried about some fashion designer dying.

So, I am sad for his family and friends but I think we as a society need to re-examine what we value. If we were to look back and see our greatest accomplishments…I don’t think some crappy clothes design is what we will talk about.

Meteorology: Science for Lazy People

2008-06-02T06:26:00.007-05:00

Since Hurricane Katrina in 2005, annual hurricane predictions have been receiving a good amount of attention. Be it from the global warming crowd, who point to predictions of more frequent and more severe storms as proof of global warming; or from various media outlets who like to scare the bejeezes out of people living within 30 miles of an ocean coastline.

Between you and me, I think it's a conspiracy perpetuated by Lowe's and Home Depot because as soon as some yahoo on The Weather Chanel says "increased hurricane activity" you know there's a mad rush on plywood at the local home improvement store.

Conspiracy theories aside, I have found a way to have the respect and prestige that comes with being a "scientist" while not having to worry about pesky details like being right or providing useful information - become a meteorologist. I don't know why I didn't think of this before - look at some clouds, tell people when it's about to rain, point at colors on a radar map. It's so easy.

According to this story from the AP, meteorology has progressed to the point where they are now able to "pretty accurately predict an above- or below-average season, even predict the likelihood a major storm will hit SOMEWHERE along the U.S. coast." Wow. I am impressed. Just so we're all on the same page - we have a 50% chance of being right when it comes to an above average or below average season, and they're even willing to say that a storm may hit somewhere along the 2,000+ miles of Atlantic coastline.

And when they're wrong? No big deal. In fact, in 2005, one particular prediction called for 15 named storms, 8 of those hurricanes. What we got was a record 28 storms with 15 becoming hurricanes, including one little doozy called Katrina.

I know this sounds like I'm making fun of meteorologists (and to a certain extent, I am). But the main point here is that despite the vast technological advances over the past 100 years, we still can't predict with any amount of certainty what the weather is going to do more than 72 hours out.

The earth's climate is an incredibly complex system that mankind does not fully comprehend. And to claim that we are doing damage to this system without fully understanding how it works in the first place is ignorant and short-sighted. Should we protect the environment? Absolutely. Should we adopt policies that are going to grind our economy to a halt and cause mass starvation across the globe because the internal combustion engine may or may not raise the level of the ocean 1 or 2 millimeters? We might want to think a little longer about that.

Based on my extensive research (watching The Discovery Chanel), I have concluded that the earth's climate has constantly changed and that it will continue to constantly change with or without human impact. It's naive to think we can stop it.

And that concludes the science lesson for this Monday.

Wanted: A Literate Obama Supporter

2008-06-01T07:37:00.004-05:00

This is a D&F ABP: We want someone who can intelligently discuss Obama and his candidacy. I want this for the simple reason that I need an explanation as to why this dude is a serious contender for President of the United States.

There's one catch: this yet-to-be named Obamanite cannot use the words "hope" or "change" (or any derivatives for that matter) in explaining or defending his positions. So go forth D&F faithful. Find me someone who can debate Obama and his campaign. I promise to be nice to this person.

In related news, Mark Steyn, as usual, has some entertaining commentary on sexism's return. Apparently, come the middle of this century, China and India are going to have about 1500 boys for every 1000 girls. For those of you unfamiliar with the affects of such a disparity in the sexes, think roving gangs of teenage males raping and pillaging the countryside of southeast Asia. Fun.

Also included in the article is a quick run-down of Obama's campaign to date and that he has somehow managed to not only match but surpass Dan Quayle in his public speaking mishaps. Yet you wouldn't know this from watching the evening news.

Worst Month Ever

2008-05-31T15:00:00.003-05:00

I don't even have a good excuse. I have flat out slacked off during the month of May. I'm going to chalk it up to spring fever, but you know as well as I do that is not the case. Laziness is a big part of it. Then you have the absolute rage that builds up inside of me when reading any sort of political news story, and as a part of my court-ordered settlement with the human species, I am allowed a finite number of outbursts each year. I have already used up the vast majority of this years, and we're not even halfway through.

So I'm going to try harder next month. The Presidential race seems to be changing somewhat, and Barack has said plenty of stupid things over the past couple weeks. That's D&F's bread and butter. W may come across as a couple beers short of a six pack, but at least he knows the basics of American and world history (I'll touch on that tomorrow).

So, have a good weekend, and we'll see you tomorrow. Tell your friends D&F is back.

How Many States?

2008-05-14T10:59:00.003-05:00

After 4 fun-filled days in The Windy City, I have returned. Since the majority of the D&F readership was with me in Chicago, I'm guessing not too many people were inconvenienced by my absence. But for the 5 of you out there that were not at the wedding festivities, I hope your withdrawal symptoms weren't too bad.

Before proceeding with the post, I have decided that I am going to steer away from blatant political commentary. There's an endless stream of websites and blogs that will gladly try to convince you of the proper cause, and I would much rather spend my time making fun of stupid people and the stupid things they do. Coincidently, government (and therefore politics) seems to be filled with stupid people so more often that not, I will feature an elected person and / or government official that has done or is doing something stupid.

Please note: I am not making a judgment or attempting to sway your political beliefs; rather, in the case of government stupidity, I am simply pointing out that the people we trust to run the government aren't much more intelligent than the people we see on Jerry Springer. If the stupid person in question is not a government official, well, I'm just showing you how stupid he / she is.

Without further ado - here's a clip of Obama speaking in Oregon. Listen for the geography lesson:

You can't watch that and not think of the Friends episode with Chandler's Stupid State game. Unfortunately, Joey is no longer the champion seeing that Obama came up with one more state than Joey:

Obama graduated from Harvard, FYI.

Vacation

2008-05-07T06:47:00.003-05:00

I've decided that I am on vacation this week.

Actually, I'm really burned out on everything political, so I need to take a break in order to prevent my head from exploding. Sorry.

And I'm heading to Chicago to see some family and friends as well as go to a wedding.

So, have a good week, and we'll see you next week.

P.S. - William may still post something, but based on his performance over the past few weeks, I wouldn't hold your breath.

It's Friday - You Know What That Means

2008-05-02T06:54:00.003-05:00

Ah, it's Friday. Finally. My posts this week have been somewhat heavy, so I worked extra hard this morning to bring the D&F faithful something funny. Ok, I worked about 23 seconds on finding this video, but it's the thought that counts, right? At least that's what I tell my wife when I forget about a birthday and / or anniversary and end up buying a Hallmark card and some plastic flowers from Wal-Mart on the way home from work. How am I still married?

And since it's Friday, how about a 2-fer - this is a classic Super Bowl Bud Light commercial.

Good stuff.

Victims of Their Own Political Correctness

2008-04-30T10:30:00.002-05:00

In today's politically correct world, one cannot accuse a minority of gaining their position as a result of affirmative action. Well, if you want to be called a racist, go for it. But since "racist" is the modern day equivalent of "witch" in 1692 Massuchessets, it's no wonder people in polite society refrain from the accusation.

In theory, affirmative action is a fine idea - provide opportunities to minorities that, due to social prejudices, were unavailable to those groups in the past. In application, however, affirmative action was less than perfect; kind of like communism - in theory, it works. Ultimately, affirmative action, in some cases, put unqualified people in positions, and some of those unqualified people failed miserably at their job / education. Sure, qualified people fail as well, but the chances of failure increase significantly when the person is unqualified, regardless of minority / majority status.

And that brings us to Barack Obama. The man is flat-out unqualified to be President of the United States. I'm not going to say that he is where is he because of affirmative action. But, at the same time, I'm not disagreeing with Geraldine Ferraro and Bob Johnson when they say that Barack is where he is due in large part to his race.

With Barack's lackluster performance at the Philadelphia debates, the San Francisco bitter comments, and his absolutely horrendous handling of the Jeremiah Wright crisis, several Democratic party members and leaders are questioning just how capable is Barack in a general election.

If you go on Real Clear Politics' numbers, Hillary has a larger lead in a McCain match up than Obama does. Most pundits (Democrat and Republican) are in agreement that this Wright thing is going to get much worse before it gets better (it may even last through the general election). So if Obama continues to have slip-ups and really looses favor with the electorate, will the Democractic super delegates give the nomination to Hillary?

Personally, I maintain that the DNC has painted itself into a corner. With his promises of hope and change, Obama excited a good number of people. The problem was that no one, even the most passionate of his supporters, really knew who Obama was - as a man or politician. Now that the shiny new-Obama shine has faded, we see that he really is no different than every other politician out there. But he has won enough delegates to be the logical choice for the nomination.

Hillary, on the other hand, is strengthening her argument that she is more electable than Obama. If the DNC super delegates give the nomination to her, a Democratic mutiny is a very real possibility as is a number of Obama supporters staying home and not voting in protest, thus cutting into Hillary's chances of winning the general election.

In part, this entire situation stems from the Democratic party's desire to have it all. It's a politically correct wet dream to have both a woman and a black man contending for the title of First [fill in the blank with the appropriate minority title] President. If Bill Richardson would have been able to stick it out and capitalize on the Hispanic vote, there's no telling where the nomination process would be right now.

The only problem is when you pit two minority groups against each other (women vs. blacks, in this case), polarization is inevitable, and when you slight one group in favor of the other, it only fuels the racist / sexist charges. At the end of the day (or at Denver in August, if you want to get technical) the DNC is going to have to make a very non politically correct choice, and that is a liberal's worst nightmare. Well, that and a sudden repeal of the 22nd Amendment.

Computer Nerd Tip Of The Day

2008-04-30T10:06:00.004-05:00

If you have ever seen a presentation or a document that has a screen shot in it...and have wondered to yourself, "How in the heck do they get the whole screen to show up like that?" well I am here to tell you that you can stop wondering and start doing.

If you have three fingers you can do it. Hold down CTRL+ALT+Print Screen.

Open up either your PowerPoint or Word Document or whatever you want to paste it in and then place your cursor where you want the screen shot to go and hit CTRL+V to paste the screen shot.

I am sure most of you are thinking that this is a dumb post and not funny...but I guarantee that most of you will try this and be amazed at the results. To make it a little funnier...here is a picture of a fat guy in spandex:

Too Little Too Late?

2008-04-29T13:12:00.004-05:00

'Barack's new campaign slogan should be WTF? Well, I guess he can keep the whole "Change" thing going considering this latest press conference regarding the good Reverend Wright marks the 4th strategy change. Here's a recap for you: Strategy 1 - The Ostrich (ignore the problem); Strategy 2 - The Philly (he's a crazy uncle); Strategy 3 - The Hindsight (I was going to leave if he didn't retire); and now Strategy 4 - The Mission Impossible (complete and utter disavowal).

The blogosphere, if it hasn't already, is going to explode with commentary about Obama's comments this afternoon, but there is really only one point that needs to be made. During The Philly stage of this crisis, Barack made it very clear (I'm talking Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men "crystal clear") that he could no more disown Reverend Wright than he could disown the black community.

The logical conclusion of Barack's press conference is that since he has effectively disowned Jeremiah Wright, he also disowned the Black community. While entertaining and fun to catch Obama in this conundrum, it's not the main point. The point here is that Barack's judgment is absolutely piss poor. I apologize for the crassness, but that's the best way to describe what Barack is doing.

I listened to part of the conference, and his tone and rhetoric were specifically designed to give one the impression that he was taken by complete surprise by Wright's comments this past weekend. Wright's comments "violate [Barack's] core beliefs" and "contradict everything [Barack] said or believed." If one had never heard of Barack Obama or Jeremiah Wright, one might actually believe what Barack was saying.

That would be great - IF Wright had said something new this past weekend. But he hasn't changed his tune one single note. From government created, genocidal AIDS to God damning America, Jeremiah repeated and even attempted to justify each one of the controversial comments. He even added some new ones that would get any white person lynched - black kids learn differently and are better at different things than white children.

The question becomes - what has changed? Why, all of a sudden, did Barack determine that Wright's speech was completely anathema to his core? Because an association with Wright finally became a serious political liability, and Barack was forced to cut him out less he completely ruin his chances for the Oval Office. The disavowal is a common occurrence - if you're a regular player in the world of DC politics. But wait, isn't Barack supposed to change how things work in Washington?

You get the idea. Barack should have held today's press conference about 38 seconds after the Reverend Wright story went national 2 months ago. We're really starting to see Barack's shocking lack of judgment and his inexperience in the political arena. The man isn't anything new. He's not going to change anything. Sure, the man can give a speech, as long as it's prepared in advance. But as a politician and candidate for President, outside of the corrupt political world of Chicago, he's dangerously ignorant.

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

2008-04-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

From The Charlotte Observer:

A newlywed couple spent the night in separate jail cells - she in her wedding gown - after police said they brawled with each other, then members of another wedding party, at a suburban Pittsburgh hotel.

Talk about the honeymoon being over. Normally, I wouldn't think that much of some crazy bride beating up her new husband and a couple innocent bystanders, but there's something special about this story.

First, if you read the article, the police arrived to find the bride knocked to the floor as a result of a "karate" kick from the groom. How pissed do you have to be at someone to actually karate kick them? I could understand a shove or even a punch, but a karate kick? There's something more to this story that we're not getting. Was the bride really a post-op trans-gender and it just told the groom? Personally, I can't think of any situation that would prompt me to go that apeshit on my new wife.

Second, when two guests from another wedding showed up to help the karate-kicked bride, she started wailing on them, even throwing metal planters at the would-be rescuers. What the hell is in the water in Pittsburgh?

My theory - the martial arts groom is a dentist, and I can tell you from personal experience, dentists are some of the weirdest, chemically imbalanced people on the planet. Aside from the OCD and oral fixation a dentist develops (or already has) from dental school, these people look at teeth all day and have to pretend like they don't smell horrible breath. Who wouldn't be crazy after just one day of that?

But the story does have a happy ending, kind of. The bride refused a restraining order, and the happy couple left jail the next morning, albeit separately. She was still in her wedding dress.

What Goes Around

2008-04-29T06:24:00.004-05:00

Much to the dismay of Barack, the good Reverend Wright will not go away. I'm thinking that either shortly before or immediately after Barack's "classic" speech in Philadelphia, he had a little heart to heart with Wright, and Barack's handlers told Jeremiah, in no uncertain terms, that his usefulness to Obama's political aspirations had run their course. Obviously, Jeremiah had a different idea how his future would play out.

In can what only be described as supreme irony, Obama's chickens are coming home to roost. He joined Trinity United Church of Christ to build street cred among the Black population of Chicago, and Obama is now paying the price for standing on the sidelines while Reverend Wright indulged his own paranoid delusions.

National Review - a great site for conservative opinions on pretty much anything - has two articles that provide some good analysis on Reverend Wright and Barack Obama. This article focuses on Wright and his current attempts to co-op the Black church and community into defending his extreme rhetoric.

Thomas Sowell comments on why its a bad idea for Barack Obama to be the first Black President. Now before you go and get your panties in a wad, his reasons are policy based, not race based. Basically, it seems that all too many people are willing to overlook his contradictory policy proposals for his race. Not a good idea.

I'm really interested to see how this plays out in the few remaining primaries. I'm even more interested in watching the Democratic Party choose its nominee in a very un-democratic way.