D&F Public Service Announcement

Ever think to yourself when you bought that diamond ring for that special someone you were getting ripped off? Well chances are you were if you bought it between January 1, 1994 and March 31, 2006 according to this newly settled class action lawsuit against diamond cartel De Beers. Besides being a horrible company that brutalizes it work force in the diamond mines of Africa it looks like they totally molested people on the price of diamonds. Of the $295 million settlement amount, $135 million is going directly to consumers, which is good news (the rest is going to wholesalers and lawyers).

So, how many greenbacks are you getting back? Well that depends according to one of the lawyers (who by the way will be walking away with a nice check). It all depends on how many people make claims and for how much. It also depends on how much your bling cost. According to the article, “a $10,000 diamond ring is eligible for a $4,500 refund.” If you go to the article it will show you a nice "best case scenario" chart.

To make a claim go to this website and follow the instructions. For any piece that cost less than 10G’s you do not need a receipt. It is tempting just to file a claim when you actually didn’t buy anything since you don’t really need to prove it. But I saw a Discovery Channel expose on the De Beers family and their company and they are bastards, so I wouldn’t mess with them. If you jewelry or diamonds cost less than $96 you wont reach the $10 minimum and it is a waste of time to claim anything…so next time buy something more expensive.

Thinking you just hit a new pay day. Well none of the claims are going to match that of the lawyers. They will walk away with a cool $20-$30 million and you wonder why I want to be a lawyer. COME ON!!!

Pass the word along, I want all readers of D&F that got screwed by De Beers to get their just desert. Sean tipped me off to this little story and has already filed his claim. There is no telling how long it will take to get the money, but I bet when you get the check in the mail (which reminds me of a joke someone painfully told me) it will feel like reaching into your winter jacket and pulling out a 20 spot. The more you know.

Freak Your Friends Out

Bored? Looking for something to do this afternoon? Well, does D&F have a simple yet fun way to confuse and possibly freak out your friends.

For those of you who did not know, Leah Remini (most recently of The King of Queen's, but I prefer her from the Saved By the Bell days) is a big time Scientologist. In fact, she's so big that she was one of the first people to see the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard (that's Suri Cruise for you non-believers).

Apparently, she wrote this letter as part of some campaign to motivate (read: extort) people into sending The Church of Scientology more money. During the course of the letter, she somehow makes the totally logical jump from 9-11 to the need to further one's "studies" in the Church of Scientology. Right...

Anyway, take the letter, make a fake e-mail address on Hotmail or Yahoo or some other free e-mail site, do some creative cutting and pasting (make sure you change names where applicable), and then start sending that bad boy out to all your friends and loved ones. I suggest using an e-mail address like "sciencetologist_leah@" or "LRH_leah@" You get the idea.

Let us know how it goes!

Keep on talking Bill

Is former President Bill Clinton trying to derail his wife's chances at becoming President? Yesterday in a speech he delivered in Denver he is quoted as saying,

“And maybe America, and Europe, and Japan, and Canada -- the rich counties -- would say, 'OK, we just have to slow down our economy and cut back our greenhouse gas emissions 'cause we have to save the planet for our grandchildren."

Let me get this straight…a former President believes that we should harm our own way of life and economy and in doing so harm everyone in the world to solve a “problem” that people aren’t even certain can be solved by a slowed economy. Good idea Bill…I am sure Hillary really appreciates you going out on the stump for her saying whatever pops in your head.

If you have been following the presidential politics the past couple months the issue of a recession is in full play. Every candidate and even the current President have gotten into the mix. That ridiculous “economic stimulus” (AKA political pandering) plan has been approved by the House and will be voted on shortly by the Senate. So, if we are trying to avert a recession, why would the husband of a Democratic candidate for President advocate artificially creating a recession to combat Global Warming? A recession, by definition, is two consecutive quarters of decline in real GDP. Therefore, a “slowdown” in our economy that Bill is touting would probably result in a recession or even worse. This could be the first time in history that a major political party representative is supporting economic suicide. I am sure China and India are waiting for the day that America voluntarily shuts down her economy.

Thanks Bill for making my choice this November even easier.

Score one for scientist everywhere

Scientist Joe.

Thunderbolt Aerosys Splashtems has finally taken a cue from Hollywood movies and developed a jet pack that will allow its users 75 seconds of flight time. You read that right…75 seconds…not minutes. Its no “James Bond” or “The Rocketeer” but it is a start. So for those lazy days when you would like to “jet-pack” your way to the mail box, laundry room or if you just want to be 75 seconds closer to any destination I think this is well worth the investment ($100,000).

Also this is a coup for scientist. They have been taking a beating from main stream blogs about their intelligence and just this morning D&F’s Bobby Sawyer lambasted them with this ominous diatribe,

“So, this is a notification to the world's scientists - I am no longer going to assume you are smart people. Before, the intelligence hierarchy was something like this: doctors, lawyers, scientists, Ken from Jeopardy, and the list goes on…Now, I'm putting scientists behind Deal or No Deal contestants.”

So, I say congrats to scientist everywhere. This is a huge win. I don’t see any Deal or No Deal contestants coming up with jet-packs that burn out after 75 seconds. Bravo. Walk proudly today…for tomorrow you start on Flying Cars.

We Need to Quit Assuming Scientists Are Smart

As my distinguished colleague has pointed out in recent posts, "scientists" are spending a shocking amount of time and money studying things that are completely useless (cow burping and global warming) and / or telling us things that we already know (Nerds don't get laid).

Now, German "scientists" have gone out and did a study - I'm talking scientific method here - to figure out if sports fans get excited during big games. Shockingly, they discovered that passionate fans have increased levels of stress, blood pressure, and run a higher risk of a heart attack during the big game. Thanks, guys. How about determining if drunk people are more or less likely to engage in casual sex. Oh, wait, you already took care of that one.

I'm pretty sure there are countless other things scientists could be discovering besides confirming what everyone already knows. Aren't there some pesky diseases in the world that could use some cures? Diabetes, cancer, AIDS? Or how about working on that flying car I was promised as a kid by Saturday morning cartoons? If you use the Back to the Future movies as a benchmark (and why wouldn't you?), we are seriously way behind where we should be on technological innovations - widespread video phones, fax machines in every room of the house, large holographic sharks that advertise movies, and oh yeah - FLYING CARS!!!!!

So, this is a notification to the world's scientists - I am no longer going to assume you are smart people. Before, the intelligence hierarchy was something like this: doctors, lawyers, scientists, Ken from Jeopardy, and the list goes on (Scientologists being at the bottom, tied with people who buy these things) Now, I'm putting scientists behind Deal or No Deal contestants.

Note to scientists: you can redeem yourselves, but it's going to have to involve flying cars.

Fun With Photos

During the Republican debates last night, John McCain, emboldened by his win in Florida, challenged Mitt Romney to a "contest of fisticuffs" with the winner taking the nomination. There has been no comment from the Romney camp.

Add Another One To The List

Clip from the best South Park....EVER

Those damn celebrities are dropping like flies to the Church of Scientology (and I use that term lightly). The voice of Bart Simpson, among others in The Simpsons, gave $10 million last year and was given some crappy award, the inscription probably said something like, “Hey, good job, you just wasted $10 million”. Just as a point of reference for that kind of donation, Tom Cruise has only given $5 million the past 4 years combined. However, he does make creepy videos that get leaked onto YouTube.

You might be asking yourself who were the other lucky winners of the night. Well good thing I read the article. Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpson) took home the elusive Patron Laureate Award, Kristie Alley took home the Diamond Meritorious Award and Priscilla Presley spent $50,000 of Elvis’ money to take home the Patron Award (Elvis is really proud that his wife is a Patron of Scientology).

So, kids, if you would like an award from an upstanding organization like The Church of Scientology get out your checkbook…write lots of zeros, otherwise you will get stuck with the Patron Award.

Mother of the Year Nominee

This picture is pretty telling...Alicia the Idiot Mom is standing by her dog while Noah is on his own to heal. Real cool Alicia.

I love dogs and all, but this seems to be a bit much. A 2 year old was mauled by his family dog and the mother decides that the dog should stay. Granted that the little boy did not die but he has some pretty nasty cuts and bruises all over his face (as you can see in the picture). The paramedics said that he was lucky to be able to see out of his left eye. So this wasn’t a nip at the boy, it wasn’t a playful bite this was an all out attack. If this was a responsible parent, the dog would be dead in 13.7 seconds (the time it takes to "lock and load") or at least on the way to the “farm”. Alicia Cottier, the mother, says, “I believe Noah (the boy) was annoying her. I love the dog and she's part of the family.” Alicia did the only logical thing...she protected the dog...little Noah should be able to take care of himself. As the dude in Monte Python says, "It's only a flesh wound."

She goes on to claim that, “it's not like the dog picked him up and shook him or anything, she just snapped at him for pulling on her ears” and “she's a good dog, I've never had any problems with her before and I don't think it's her fault.” Ok, so instead of protecting your child you are protecting your dog. This reminds me of a girl that Bobby used to date…we will call her “Liz”. She once said that if a family lost their house due to a disaster (fire, hurricane or anything other weather machine that George Bush has out there) she would feel worse for the dog than the family who lost everything. This type of reasoning makes no sense.

But the reporter of this story goes on to imply that everything is ok in the Newbold/Cottier (the boy and mother have different last names) Household because Noah the 2 year old says that he loves Cassey the baby eater. Unfortunately this happened in a private home in Australia and the police can not press charges. It seems to me that if this happened in America Cassey would be on her way to whatever factory they use dead dogs in (like horses would be the glue factory).

Congratulations Alicia Cottier for being the first mother nominated in 2008 for D&F Mother of the Year. You are in great company with Britney Spears.

Floyd Landis Award

It has been awhile since we have given out a Floydie (Floyd Landis Award) but there hasn't been that many comments to give it to. The only people that were commenting were random 12 year old girls that were posting on the Hannah Montana post at the start of this month.

However we had a gem today. So, with no further adieu I award this Floyd Landis Award to los lonely boys who posted on our Random Wikipedia Article:

"They stop serving them after everyone started saying before ordering, "What the weck should I get" and then laughing uncontrollably for 10 seconds."--in response to the Weck bread sandwich."

Congrats, you have made us proud los lonely boys.

McCain Wins More Than Florida Primary

Don't mind the old guy on the left...Jeri Thompson is hot (that is not a cliche its a fact).

Yeah, sure he got a huge win tonight (Tuesday January 29). He won all of Florida's delegates, gets tons of free media attention and has the big M (momentum) going into next Tuesday's voting in 22 states. McCain is not my first choice...probably not in my top 3 but I have to congratulate him. He was able to out "straight talk" Romney and got those really, really old people out to vote. Probably promised them some free Metamucil or something. More importantly though, he won the right to use political cliche's that have withstood the test of time. He now is able to get out on the stump (inside talk for political events) and use all sorts of phrases that will promise to bring much cheering and hooting and hollering.

For example, how about this gem, "Its great to be here in __________ (insert your town)!!" Or this fan favorite, "We are going to take this train all the way to WASHINGTON!!!" Speaking of trains, McCain loves getting on the, "Straight Talk Express". I am not sure if he is able to use "The Comeback Kid" anymore but hopefully he will be able to let everyone know that he is in fact ready to, "go to Washington and get to work for the American people." Also, if you are able to rhyme your name in slogans then you are golden. "Mac is Back", "Fit like Mitt", "Yo Mama's for Obama", "Fred's wife is hot" (I realize that does not rhyme, but she is, look at the picture). I made up a couple of those...so if those campaigns would like to contact me about maybe selling the rights to them I would be happy to negotiate a price.

So, as we probably look at the Republican nominee for President, I can only hope that Senator McCain has employed a campaign cliche manager so that he gets his message out in as simple way as possible. It has been an interesting political season...and it looks like for the Republican side of things we get the Maverick from Arizona. I just can't wait till the next phase, and the cliches that these candidates will pull out to impress the really dumb people who make up 89% of the American electorate (I obviously include myself in this).

LIST MANIA!!!!

Uhhhh...nerd. This is The Donk.

I know it is only the end of January but I feel there is a hole in my heart, a void in my soul, or, as the French say, “Je suis froid”*. I am having list withdrawal. And the only way to get through withdrawal is going cold turkey or getting a little bit at a time until you are able to stop. Well neither option is very attractive so I came upon a great little website that will let you indulge your addiction to lists. List Universe is the GREATEST list website out there...probably the only list website (the site was down when I tried earlier). This website probably took up at least 38% of my day today.

The list that is making the rounds on the news sites is the “bizarre products sold through Amazon” list. So sit back, grab a cold one and enjoy your fix of list for the day (it’s safer than meth).

Bizarre Products you can buy from Amazon.com:

--The Donk. Some Star Wars contraption that moved that fat guy around…except this doesn’t hover it has wheels. Some nerd will pay $20,000 for it.

--Wolf Urine. (I don't mean the really non-straight acting American Gladiator) Its product description says, “Promises to keep members of the opposite sex away from you…forever.” If you look at the Amazon page…someone left a review with the title, “A tad disappointing”…what was he expecting?

--Stop Eating Poop cream. Above description will work as well…except this product is for pets.

--Dr. John's Famous Pee Pee. Dr. John is only 3…that is why he still calls it pee-pee. Actually it is a way to outsmart a urine test.

--Uranium. The product description says it is useful for testing Geiger counters. Who the hell has a Geiger counter lying around the house?

There is your list fix for the day. I am proud to say I have not purchased any of these products but the poop cream seems pretty tempting.

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Footnote:

*That French phrase actually means “I am cold” but whenever you insert a French phrase into anything it automatically makes it more intelligent. Which is weird since the French aren’t very intelligent.

NASA is Up to Something

Last night, an asteroid passed really close to the Earth. Well, it was over 300,000 miles away, but it was the closest an asteroid had ever passed. Looks like NASA needs to start watching Armageddon and Deep Impact to get some ideas on how to save the world.

Since the asteroid was so close, NASA took a couple pictures. I don't know about you, but when I hear NASA, I think of the most technologically advanced things on the planet. If the paparazzi can photograph every square inch of Britney's nether region in less than a second, then NASA can certainly get a decent picture of an asteroid. You would think.

Well, it turns out the classic 1979 video game Asteroids wasn't too far off. Here are two pictures. Which one is a game from 1979 and which one was taken with the most advanced cameras available in 2008?











What the hell is NASA doing with all that money?

Helpful Hints for The Jihadists

You would think that 7 and half years after 19 insane Muslims turned ordinary airplanes into ballistic missiles, security at airports would be at least somewhat better. I'm not talking El Al level scrutiny, but at least some common sense when it comes to checking people through the security gate.

According to Foxnews.com, the Mayor of Charleston, WV was in a bind. He had a plane to catch, but had lost his valid West Virginia driver's license, and the expired one in his wallet would not pass muster with the screener. Minor side note: most states, when you go to get your new driver's license, take the old one. So logic would dictate that Mr. Mayor was driving around with an expired driver's license.

Anyway, the Mayor then pulls out a copy of Charleston Magazine which contains a photograph of said mayor and an article welcoming visitors to Charleston. If you ask me, that's waste of magazine space. I checked the Internet, and a total of 6 people visited Charleston, WV last year, and only 2 of those people could read words with more than 1 syllable.

Here's the good part - the magazine picture and article were accepted as valid ID. That's right - the expired ID issued by the state was no good. But a magazine article from an unknown source was an acceptable substitute. So, aspiring terrorists - if you're having trouble getting some acceptable forms of identification to assist you in striking deep into the belly of the infidel, just use Photoshop or one of those booths at Six Flags, and create a magazine cover with your picture and some useless article about whatever city you're in.

Friggin unbelievable.

Random Wikipedia Article

A kummelweck, or sometimes kimmelweck or even kümmelweck, is a salty roll that is popular in Western New York. It is similar to a Kaiser roll, but topped with pretzel salt and caraway seeds. Kummelweck is commonly shortened to “weck," and often served in the Buffalo metropolitan area with roast beef and horseradish to form a sandwich known colloquially as "beef on weck."

A typical style of beef on weck sandwich is made roasted rare roast beef to provide about 1/2 of meat on the bottom half of the roll. The cut face of the top half of the roll may be dipped in the juices from the roast. Prepared horseradish is usually provided for the diner to spread on the top half of the roll to taste. In the Buffalo area, it is common to see jars of horseradish on eatery tables that serve the sandwich, much as you might see ketchup bottles available in other restaurants.

(I have always wanted to know about BW3's name origin) The American restaurant franchise Buffalo Wild Wings is formerly known as BW3, and this fact raises the question as to the meaning of the third 'W' in the former name. The abbreviation came from the original full name of the restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings and Weck. The chain no longer serves beef on weck outside of Western New York and no longer uses the original name but does still use the extra "W" in its abbreviation.


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Thanks to Wikipedia.com for the information.

It's Somebody's Else's Fault You're Stupid

The other day I mentioned a liberal group that is planning on spending $8.5 million to convince everyone that Bush is a bad President. In this group's opinion, the current mortgage crisis is his fault. Well, it seems the idea that the government should be responsible for people making bad financial decisions is not a one-time thing.

This article highlights the great city of Cleveland, OH, and how thousands of homes are in foreclosure because the adjustable rate on people's adjustable rate mortgage did something completely unexpected and mean - it adjusted. Now, the city is suing lenders, accusing them of targeting black people and causing "the greatest drain of wealth the African-American community has ever experienced."

I don't have statistics to back this up, but I'd be willing to bet that the percentage of black people who are in foreclosure is less than the percentage of white people. It's not a race thing. It's a stupid people thing. And if there's one thing that transcends race in this country, it's stupidity. If you're making $30,000 a year and have never been able to qualify for a mortgage. And then all of a sudden you're inundated with junk mail telling you that you can afford a $250,000 house, you might want to look at the details. Maybe. Just an idea.

The article makes it sound like people had no choice. The lenders showed up on their apartment / trailer / RV doorstep with a loaded weapon, made them sign the mortgage papers, and then actually helped them move into this house. So, naturally, the government should step in and make sure people don't have to deal with the consequences of their idiotic decisions.

On the other hand, it really should come as no surprise that corporate America intentionally targeted black people. I will probably get shipped off to an Eastern European prison and turtored mercilessly for leaking this information, but I can remain silent no longer. The sub-prime mortgage phase is simply Bush's next step in his on-going campaign to destroy the African-American community. Phase one was implemented with his racist hurricane generator and the destruction of New Orleans - no other ethnic group was devastated by Katrina, mind you. Phase two is the current mortgage crisis. I can't go into any further detail. I just saw a black CIA helicopter. It may be too late....

Here's my question - if the market hadn't crashed, and the majority of the US continued to enjoy an expanding real estate market, would the African-American community be clamoring to turn over all the equity they made? Congress wanted to punish Exxon-Mobile for making record profits, so it's only fair to punish other people for being the recipient of favorable business circumstances, right?

On The Road

I will be traveling for most of the day and since I will be operating a motor vehicle it will be difficult for me to post during normal business hours. However, I will be an updating fool tonight.

Just to let you know...because I know you are thinking it...I had a great weekend. Thanks for asking.

The Championship in the Outback

Does she even play anymore? Not that it really matters.

In news that will surely not impact your life at all...the world's #1 tennis player was upset yesterday in the Australian Open. I am a fan of tennis (especially when it is broadcast in beautiful HD) so when I woke up this morning and read that Roger Federer lost to some dude with a last name I can’t pronounce (Novak Djokovic) I was a little shocked. Granted Djokovic is ranked 3rd in the world and so he isn’t too shabby of a tennis player (I mean I could probably beat him, but that is beside the point), it is still a big loss in the tennis world.

What is shocking is that the record 10 straight Grand Slam finals that Federer has managed to reach is done. This record is one of those that will probably never be broken unless Federer breaks it himself. He has won 12 total Grand Slam titles and that number is just going to go up. He has been #1 in the world for 208 straight weeks. In terms of greatest to play his sport…he probably is. There is a reason you see him walking next to Tiger in those incredibly dull Gillette commercials (yeah, those other two guys walking with Tiger are actual athletes as well…not some random guys they pulled off the street).

I realize that most people, especially in America, don’t care about tennis and therefore don’t care that Roger Federer lost last night…but he is an incredible athlete. To put this loss into perspective…it is like Rich beating Sean in darts (Sean has beat Rich 36 straight times…Rich’s record against Sean is 0-36). The finals for Sunday are set, and no one will watch. Djokovic and some 22 year old named Tsonga are going to duel it out. If in 5 years anyone that is not related to either one of these guys remembers this year’s final paring and who won I will give them $1.50 in cash money.

Another study that was a waste of money

Bobby Sawyer Not Bobby Sawyer circa 1987

In news that really isn’t that shocking...med students have more "partners" than math students. I am not sure why someone would actually spend money studying this when they could have just relied on the tried and true stereotype. Look at Captain Awesome vs. Chuck in the hit NBC comedy "Chuck". Captain Awesome (med student) gets the hottie while Chuck (math major) gets the Nerd Herd. The study also found that the more sex people have the worse grades they got. Again, does this shock anyone?

The student body president at Cambridge (where the study was conducted) couldn’t help but make fun of the math students’ priorities with a line that sounds like he spent three hours thinking of and couldn’t wait to use:

“It's obvious that the mathematicians haven't found the winning formula yet.”

I could just see him trying to hold the laughter in while getting that one off (Judge Smails anyone?). So kids out there is blog land…as my Great-Grandma Ann would always tell my dad…”stay out of the bushes.” I am not entirely sure that applies to this scenario but I always like leaving you with some old person wisdom.

It's Friday, so I'm Phoning This One In

I've felt like it should be Friday since Wednesday, so my brain is really not working right now. As such, I'm going to simply post a video instead of finding a silly news story to highlight. At least it's a pretty damn funny video.


Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

Headline Of The Year Nominee

Maybe they would like to rephrase this.


___________________ (Insert your own comment here)


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Hat tip to a loyal reader who shall remain anonymous...except to me.

Mr. Bono Goes to The Pentagon

Why is Bono considered an expert on anything except recording hit singles and wearing silly sunglasses? Recently, Bono was in Washington, D.C. meeting with all sorts of people in an effort to raise awareness about AIDS in Africa and the whole debt relief thing.

It's great that Bono is using his celebrity to try and help people instead of pushing some crack-pot cult on unsuspecting people (I'm talking to you, Tom Cruise), but just because he's a famous rock star doesn't mean he's an expert on whatever cause happens to be important that week. Ok, that was a little unfair. Bono has been on the Africa thing for quite some time. I'm sorry, Bono....and Africa. I still don't think you're an expert.

Anyway, while in Washington, Bono went to the Pentagon (wait, it gets better) and met with Secretary of Defense William Gates to discuss not only the poverty problem in Africa, but security as well (WTF???). I will entertain the idea tha Bono might be able to offer some ideas on how to solve the poverty problem in Africa. I won't say "good" ideas, because anyone that thinks debt relief is cool clearly doesn't function on the same plane as the rest of us. But what in the name of all that is holy does Bono know about securing a country, let alone an entire continent? I'm sure he'd be the guy to go to on body guards and how to keep hoardes of groupies at bay, but that doesn't exactly translate into a comprehensive regional security plan.

You know what I think happened? Secretary William Gates is the new guy on the Bush cabinet, and, like any rookie, he gets stuck with the s*** details. Bush probably called him up to tell him about his "meeting" with Bono and laughed the entire time. I wouldn't be surprised if the call was on speaker phone and rest of the cabinet was in on the gag, including the Supreme Court. Yep, that makes way more sense than Bono talking about security. Way more.

As for Bono's comments, well, this video should explain everything:

That Answer is...

The Moment of Truth premiered last night on none other than Fox and as Sean commented, he was glad he DVR’d it. I have to agree with him. With most of these shows, they do a great job in stretching out the length of time between question and answer and love throwing in the tried and true, “We’ll find out……..(pause 10 seconds)….right after the break”. Then the audience starts to groan…even though it is a taped show and they have to wait like 4 seconds before they start taping again. Anyway…I have to admit that I could probably DVR the show every week and watch it. Usually I cringe when it starts getting awkward and people start to make a fool out of themselves on national TV but this is different. These people have agreed to sell themselves for the chance at $500,000. And they do it with the loving support of their family and friends sitting ten feet away. Therefore they knew what they were getting into, so I have no sympathy for them once the questions start to roll. Keep in mind that "normal" people do not go on shows like this...so they are either egotistical or feel that being on a game show will propel their acting careers.

The format is pretty straight forward. Before the show, the contestants are asked 50 questions while being strapped to a lie detector. They are then asked 21 of the questions on the real show. They are asked in money stages. You have to answer 6 questions truthfully before you win $10,000. Then 5 truthful answers will get you $25,000…and so on until one truthful answer will get you $500,000 and your family pissed off at you (if you still have a family by the end of the show). The cool part is after you answer a question a robot chick says “That answer is….True/False” (say that in a robot chick voice). Alright, it’s not that cool, but I am trying. Nothing major was reveled last night…except that some former football player sneaked a peak at his teammates in the shower. BFD. The tool that is on there now it was reveled has a huge gambling problem…I wonder why he was picked as a contestant? Next week one of his kids ask him, “Have you gambled away one of your kids college funds?”

Mark L. Walberg (not to be confused with Marky Mark) is the host and does a decent job. The show is being produced in 24 countries so it is a fairly popular format. It was created in Columbia and actually caused a little trouble down there. It was pulled off the air after a contestant was asked, “¿Usted ha empleado siempre a alguien para matar a su marido?", for you non-Spanish speakers, "Have you ever hired someone to kill your husband?” She couldn’t lie and said yes…but the good news is that she won $50,000. What’s the big deal…so what if she put a hit on her husband…who hasn’t? So now the Colombians will have to make due with the dubbed over American version that has lame questions. Sorry Colombia.

If you didn’t catch it last night then I think it is worth the space on your DVR for at least one show. I will probably give it another couple episodes before I delete the season pass. This might have to be one of those “guilty pleasure” shows…even though it might mark the start of the destruction of civilization as we know it.

PC Police on high alert in England

Over in England, London to be exact, the PC police are working overtime. A competition to recognize the top electronic children’s books was thrown into controversy over a adaptation of the classic book “The Three Little Pigs”; except the genius’ behind the adaptation made the pigs “cowboy builders”. That is not the controversy believe it or not…although a stupid premise, we’re going to chalk up that dim-witted idea to poetic license.

The controversy was why the book on CD was disqualified. According to the story:

“The idea of taking a traditional tale and retelling a story is fine, but it should not alienate parts of the workforce. Judges would not recommend this product to the Muslim community in particular.”

Not only did they feel the book offended Muslims…they felt that builders would be offended as well since all the structures the “builders” built kept being torn down in the book.

This reminds me of the time when I was offended by British teeth and the Brits were ordered not to smile in front of me in hopes that I wouldn’t get offended and start a mad riot where I torched a bunch of cars and looted stores for no apparent reason and maybe kill a few people here and there. Oh yeah…that didn't happen. And for the most part Brits have nice teeth...except this guy, and I am not entirely positive he is a Brit:

Back to my original rant, when was the last time a book that might offend Jewish people was disqualified from a competition? I remember “The Da Vinci Code” won multitudes of awards even though many Catholics were offended. Why is it that only when Muslims might be offended are things banned?

Liberal Group Thinks Bush Is Up for Reelection

From Foxnews.com:

WASHINGTON — A liberal advocacy group plans to spend $8.5 million in a drive to make sure President Bush's public approval doesn't improve as his days in the White House come to an end.

Ok, to be fair, Americans United for Change (the group highlighted here) does not think Bush is going for a third term. Instead, their goal is to make sure Bush's approval rating does not improve during his last year in office.

Am I missing something here? There has to be at least 134 more important causes out there that could use $8.5 million. This group is going to spend a considerable amount of money to make sure everyone continues to think Bush is a bad president. Here's my question - is this campaign going to continue for the next 50 years? Because that's how long it will take to really figure out if Bush was a good or bad President. For all intents and purposes, Americans United for Change might as keep the money, and throw a bang-up post Oscar party for all the nut-job liberals in Hollywood. It'll do just as much good.

Or how about donating money to one of the Democrats actually running for office? Edwards and Kucinich's campaigns are on life-support and could certainly use some far left-wing money. Oh well - if this group wants to waste their money, then more power to them. At least it's going into the economy and not to some stupid scientists studying the impact of cow burps on the environment.

As a side note, one of the "failures" Americans United for Change blame on Bush is the current mortgage crisis. That is awesome. I remember when we bought our house a couple years ago. One night, Katie and I were figuring out what we could afford. All of sudden George W. Bush busts into our apartment and tries to sell us on an adjustable rate mortgage.

"Katie, Bobby - listen to me," George said. "You can get twice the house for the same payment if you just go with a sub-prime mortgage. Don't worry about the fact that when the rate changes in three years, you won't be able to afford Ramen noodles and ketchup. Just look at all the cool houses you can get."

Fortunately, I was able to resist the persuasions of the President. Other people - namely idiots - did not. So yeah - George W. Bush is totally to blame for the mortgage crisis. He set it all up prior to going to New Orleans and setting up the explosives on the levies.

In Mascot National Championship News

In what can only be described as a miscarriage of justice, The University of Tennessee's Smokey has won the 2008 National Mascot Championship. I realize that I am biased towards Auburn, however if you saw Smokey in action and you saw Aubie in action, there is no comparison. The article does give Aubie his props…saying that he was a strong competitor but that an oversized hound dog was a better mascot. This humble commentator begs to differ. At least the useless nut mascot that is Ohio State’s didn’t make the cut.

Below is my evidence on why Aubie should be considered one of the greatest mascots to walk planet Earth. The only explanations for moves like that is some white guy that is in epileptic shock or the premier mascot of our time. I will go with the latter, but keeping in mind I know who Aubie is in this video, I could probably make a good case for the former. WAR EAGLE!!!

Jerry O'Connell Makes Up For All His Bad Movies and Shows

Remember the Scientology video William posted last week? Well, here's a spoof from Jerry O'Connell and the folks at funnyordie.com. It's awesome.

Again, Sean would normally be responsible for videos, but he only works on the weekend.

Are You F-ing Kidding Me?

So Fulton County (the county Atlanta is in) has decided they're going to do a little experiment: pay students for going to school and then getting better grades and test scores. Have we just completely given up on trying to teach accountability for actions?

This is, in effect, punishing the students that attend class, study, and get good grades and test scores. Not only are the lazy students going to get more attention from the school, they're going to be making money doing it. If I was a student in this school, what possible motivation would I have for doing well? I can pay attention in school, do my homework, study, and get absolutely nothing. Or I can play hooky, get bad grades, and then get money to do what I should be doing anyway.

Thanks, Fulton County Government. You've just made parents that much less responsible for raising their kids. I think you should go ahead and just make the welfare payments automatic when these kids "graduate" from school.

Is this bad??

There is a new video game out that has Presidential candidates shooting each other in the White House with paintball guns. When I first saw this, I didn't see what the big deal was and I guess I still don't. I can understand the outrage if this was a game that had semi-decent graphics and used weapons other than a paintball gun, but the graphics are cartoonish and paint balls are usually not the choice of ammunition amongst assassins.

If you read the Smokinggun.com article that accompanies this game, you would think that this game is going to push someone over the top to go out and kill someone. While the world is full of violence and there is no shortage of it in video games, this one seems kind of harmless. Now if someone says this game caused them to go out and shoot someone, then I will reevaluate my position. However, until then I think having Obama shoot Edwards with paint balls in a sub-par video game is much better than actually watching them debate each other in real life. It might not be the classiest thing ever, but having a former president going out on the campaign trail and trashing people from his own party isn't either.

Play the game and let me know what you think...is this bad?

Hillary Clinton Thinks You're an Idiot

This upcoming Saturday, South Carolina holds its Democratic primary. For those of you not intimately familiar with the primary process, South Carolina, for some reason, has the Republican and Democratic primaries on different days. My guess is that since South Carolina is so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, they're getting while the getting is good.

Anyway, the Dems had themselves a debate this past weekend, and as I'm sure all you well informed D&F'ers know, Hillary and Barack got into what can be best described as a brother and sister arguing over who gets the front seat. One of the major points of contention is that prior to the debate, Barack made a relatively objective comment about President Ronald Regan.

Hillary promptly misconstrued the comment as an endorsement of the conservative President and then proceeded to nag Barack incessantly. She also made a point to say that Regan and his policies were bad for America. Um, yeah - the Cold War was a good thing; it never should have ended, and his economic policies setup the bull market of the 90's (for which Bill Clinton got the credit), but sure, Regan was a bad President.

Well, apparently, Hillary is having some trouble making up her mind about Regan. According to HillaryClinton.com, the Presidential hopeful lists not only Regan, but George H. W. Bush as some of her favorite Presidents. I'm waiting for someone in the media to get hold of this minor discrepancy, but I'm not holding my breath.

On a completely seperate note - what is up with Hiallry and Bill in that picture? If I didn't know the Clintons, I would describe this picture as two stoners looking for a ride to Woodstock. The only thing that's missing from that picture is a cardboard sign that says "Have weed, will travel."

Simon Cowell is not a heartless bastard??

In honor (or honour if you are British) of American Idol being back on the air, I felt that we should do a feel good story to help promote the show (every little bit helps). It turns out that Simon Cowell actually cares about other people...and animals. In discussing his newly written will, Cowell lets the world know that he is a Bill Gates in the making.

However, instead of giving billions of dollars away and doing it while still alive, Simon will be giving $180 million away when he dies. I don't mean to diminish his generosity, because I would love to be able to give away that kind of money. Who will be watching for the obituary of Simon Cowell, well the children and animals of the world will be the primary beneficiaries. I say good for you Simon. Thank you for letting the entire world know how generous you are. It reminds me of an old Michael Scott quote:

“When I retire, I don’t want to just move to some island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives it all back. I want it to be like, ‘Hey…who donated that hospital wing that’s saving so many lives?’…‘I don’t know. It was anonymous.’…‘Well, guess what. It was Michael Scott.’…‘But how do you know? It was anonymous.’…‘Because I’m him.’

Who is your candidate?

Having trouble figuring out who to support in the Presidential Primaries? I know how you feel. At one point I really wasn’t feeling anyone and was having a difficult time trying to get motivated to support someone. I started doing my research and was able to figure out who out of the bunch was worthy of my support. There is an easier way. This website asks you some questions on the big issues of the day and has you rank how important they are to you. After about 5 minutes of answering questions you get your results.

I would hope that as an educated member of society you would not allow a computer to tell you how you should vote, but this gives you a good start if you are having trouble figuring out where the candidates stand in relation to your own view. Also, if you are going to rely on a computer to tell you who to vote for…how about you don’t vote?

It is a safe bet that the people that are most similar to me are on the conservative side. The candidate most resembling my views of the viable candidates (Alan Keyes was most similar to me…which is kind of scary) is Mitt Romney with 79% similarity.

Just a little public service to the fine readers of D&F.

World's Largest toliet pool

Are you one of those people that love taking road trips and stopping by the “Worlds Largest __________ (insert your own noun)”? There is a new detour on your around the world road trip. San Alfonso del Mar seawater pool in Algarrobo, Chile has earned the distinction of being the world’s largest outdoor swimming pool. I would also assume that it is the world’s largest pool as well, since I doubt there is a pool that is indoors that measure almost 3,500 feet long.

The surface area of this behemoth is 20 acres with about 250,000 cubic meters of water (to be honest with you, I have no idea what that means…but I am sure it is tons of gallons). They pump water out of the Pacific Ocean and filter it into the pool to make it swimming pool worthy water. There are ferries to take people across the pool since people are too lazy just to walk. Just to give some comparison on this massive watering hole…the next biggest pool is 150m by 100m (this pool is over 1,000m long). You could fit 6,000 standard backyard pools into this one and still have enough room left over for some laps. The water is around 80 degrees in the summer about 4 degrees warmer than the big Pacific Ocean. Also, another reason to stay in the pool…no jellyfish…which is enough for me to stay in the friendly crystal clear waters of San Alfonso del Mar.

You want to construct one of these bad boys in your backyard. Besides needing at least a 3,500 foot backyard you need roughly $3.5 million to build and $4 million a year to maintain it. Give me a call when you complete this beauty…I will be there to christen it. I doubt that this distinction will last very long since the company that built is getting request to do the same type of projects in the Middle East. Since those kingdoms over there love splurging on important things like man made islands and indoor ski mountains then I am sure a pool the size of Rhode Island is not too much to ask for. At least when the oil runs out they can claim to have "The World's Largest Public Bathtub" and hordes of people can go take pictures standing next to it.

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 21, 2008:

In over-doing Global Warming news:
A study of cow's farting is going on in Sweden...since there is nothing else to do there.

In stupid criminal news:
Two truck drivers steal over 300 I-Phones. Thank God they did it so stealth like...they are now in the clink.

In this should not be news news:
Illegal immigrants will not be granted driver's license in Michigan.

In possibly the greatest game ever news:
Guitar Hero has sold over $1 billion worth of games. I just want to say thank you Guitar Hero for making me a Guitar Hero.

In celebrities celebrating celebrities news:
Here are The Oscar Nominees. Hopefully this show will fall victim to the writer's strike as well.

Dutch Filmmaker to Iran: You're Retarded

As you may remember, in 2005, the Muslim world slightly over-reacted to a Dutch political cartoon depicting Mohammad as some sort of suicide bomber. I have no idea why someone would connect Mohammad and suicide bombers, but they did. And since Islamic extremists are so rational, they promptly demanded the annihilation of all things Dutch and a boycott of all Dutch products in the Middle East. But this is old news, so I won't waste your time recounting all the insanity.

Now, there is a Dutch filmmaker who is daring to show the brutality and violence that seems to accompany radical Islam. According to an interview with Foxnews.com, Geert Wilders (the film maker) says that, "I believe our culture is much better than the retarded Islamic cultures." He also believes that the sharp increase of Muslim immigrants to The Netherlands and other western European countries is not a good thing (obviously).

His film depicts Islam is a less-than favorable light. Iran, being the bastion of tolerance and peace it is, has pretty much threatened The Netherlands with renewed riots and violence if the government allows the film to be shown. So it's not enough for Iran to be totalitarian and use fear and violence as a means of control in their own country, they somehow feel warranted in telling other countries how to do things.

It all goes back to the hypocritical mantra that you always hear from a supporter of these radical Islamic states: Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance. Ok, I'll go as far as saying that Islam can be a religion of peace and tolerance, but it seems that the governments of Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran, and a couple other Middle East hot spots are becoming more and more dominated by Muslims that think it's cool to use violence and fear to spread the faith.

Anyway, before I get too deep (this is a humor-based blog, after all), kudos to Geert for calling the extremists out. Hopefully, he'll only be burned in effigy as opposed to the real thing.

(Un)Intentional Funny Headline of the Day

While reading the headlines, trying to stay up to date on all the current events, I see this:

"GUESTS GATHER FOR HILLARY FUNERAL"

What was your first reaction? Don't lie. I know what it was. If you're not a morbid, sick, twisted person, I'm betting that you thought Hillary Clinton had dropped her candidacy, and some smart-ass producer at CNN.com was being cute. If you are morbid, sick, and twisted, you thought Hillary Clinton was dead. And then you laughed.

Well, Hillary Clinton is alive and well, and, unfortunately*, doing quite well in her bid for the White House. This headline is for the famous explorer Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to conquer Mt. Everest. So put away the champagne, Barack.

On a semi-related note, I saw that CBS is bringing back Jericho this winter (Don't worry, I'll tie this into the Hillary Clinton reference in a minute). Last I checked, that show had been canceled because the idea of Skeet Ulrich saving anything is completely outside the realm of willful suspension of disbelief. And then I read this article. Apparently, the 14 people that liked Jericho sent an ungodly amount of peanuts to CBS, which convinced them to put Jericho back on the air. Personally, I think it's a form of group punishment rather than giving into the dreaded peanut petition.

So this got me thinking - perhaps we can convince Hillary to drop out of the race by sending her a quadrillion of something. It needs to be something completely random like used coffee filters, 8 track cassettes, or used Pictionary drawings. I don't know - just something. Leave a comment with your suggestion, and we can do this thing grass roots style.

Footnotes:
* Yep, I really don't want Hillary in the White House. Not because she's a woman, but because she will be a horrible President.

Early Voting

Not to brag, or bring unwarranted attention to myself, but I have already voted in Tennessee's Presidential Primary (don't be jealous). You might be thinking to yourself, "is this luxury only afforded to top notch bloggers who happen to be hilarious?" The short answer is no (so is the long answer). If you know me, this is not a huge shock seeing how I am probably the only person who tunes into C-Span for fun. However, this is a huge convenience for voters all over Tennessee (or any state that allows early voting). It was easy and quick. All I had to do was go to an early voting precinct place and BAM I was in like Flint. You have to show them your voter ID card and tell them if you want a Republican or a Democratic ballot (they assume you can't read if you choose the Democratic ballot so they read it to you....ZINGER!!!!). You take it over to the booth and tap on your screen who you want to vote for and them hit the blinking red button at the top of the machine that says "VOTE". Its simple...so simple in fact that old people were working the machines.

I would encourage everyone to vote in the primary. With early voting...everyone should be able to go and cast your vote for who you want to represent your party. If not, I don't want to hear your complaining when the match up in November is Dennis Kucinich vs. Ron Paul (God forbid).

The Super Bowl is set

Eli at some party...I am 96% sure he is intoxicated

We now know who will be playing opposite the New England Patriots on February 3 in Glendale, Arizona. The New York Giants outlasted the Green Bay Packers last night in a pretty good game. Eli Manning manned up and told the -24 degree wind chill that it was no match for the co-owner of the DSRL (Double Stuff Racing League). Many analyst last night (really only Jimmy Johnson) claimed that the loss in the final regular season game to the Pats is what gave Eli and company the confidence to come into the playoffs and extend their road game winning streak to an impressive 10 games. I am not sure how a loss inspires confidence but whatever...it was pretty cold last night so I will give him some slack.

Brett Favre played a great game as well except for two interceptions that cost him his dream season. The edge should have been with Green Bay seeing how they were playing at home in conditions that only people in Wisconsin would like. However they could never capitalize on chances that were handed to them on golden platters...or maybe silver platters. Lawrence Tynes (who in the same game lost his job then got it back) missed two field goals in regulation that Green Bay was unable to turn into points. They had home field advantage at Lambeau Field which used to mean something. They won the toss in overtime which gave them the ball first (for you non-NFL fans, in overtime it is the first team to score who wins). The nail in the coffin was when Favre threw the interception in OT that gave the Giants the opportunity to win the game and Tynes took advantage of that and won the game with his foot...a 47 yard field goal that erased the two easier ones he missed earlier (after further review...the laces in fact were out).

Oh yeah...New England beat San Diego...the only person who was surprised by that was Mike Ditka who on ESPN predicted Saint Diego (I think its German) would win. Yeah...and he was a NFL coach?? There wasn't much to say about this game except that New England scored more points and Phillip Rivers doesn't have much to say to the fans of the opposing team when he loses.

So the Super Bowl is set. A rematch of the last regular season game. I have a gut feeling Eli and the Giants have a decent shot of beating New England. I am not sure I want to put New England on upset alert...but I wouldn't be surprised if they pulled it through. I will let you know later if I change my mind. My predictions, it turns out, are not very good. I just hope that we get a few Peyton Manning commercials between now and then. That would be sweet and unexpected.

----------------------------

Did anyone else notice Tom Coughlin's (Giants head coach) face? He was sporting some massive raccoon eyes. It might have been the wind and cold, but no one else seemed to have the red face. Just an observation.

Celebrity Quote of the Day

"We went to Turkey. When we got over there, we rented a car and we drove all the way to Budapest. By the time we got to Budapest it was like the Cannes Film Festival, I'd never seen anything like it."---Charlize Theron

No problem right...except that she was going to the Istanbul Film Festival...not Budapest, Hungary. She was only about 900 miles off.

The CIA Should Watch More Movies

According to PC World, the CIA recently revealed that hackers can and already have infiltrated the networks of power stations and shut down power to various cities across the globe. Um, thanks CIA. The rest of the world figured this out this past summer when super cop John McClain had to leave his cushy retirement community in Palm Beach and yet again save America from almost certain destruction.

Yes, I know it was just a movie, and that as much I wish John McClain was a real person, he's not. But, with all this new technology and what not, the far-fetched schemes of Hollywood magic are becoming more and more possible.

For example, take the 1996 sci-fi Marlon Brando vehicle The Island of Dr. Moreau. The movie is horrible, so don't waste your time watching it. Here's what you need to know - Marlon Brando is a fat, mad scientist that splices animal and human DNA. Impossible, right? It would never happen. Well, last week some other mad scientists actually did it. We're still a couple years away from little rat-man butlers (got to see the movie to get that one), but believe you me, it's coming.

So, in an effort to increase the country's security, I propose that the CIA start watching action and spy movies in an effort to get a leg-up on would-be terrorists, crazed computer geeks, mad scientists, and world-conquering aliens. Here's a quick list of my recommendations:

- Obviously, all the Die Hard movies. We would get hundreds of ideas on how to protect sky scrapers, keep pro-South American dictators and their traitor friends from taking over airports and crashing British airliners, prevent revenge-filled Germans from stealing gold...You get the idea.
- All seasons of 24. Enough said.
- Anything with Chuck Norris - these are all bonus movies. Not only do you get top-notch intel on what stupid Arab terrorists are going to do, but great martial arts instruction to boot.
- James Bond movies - this is more for the crazy, rogue billionaire angle. You might think it's far-fetched, but one of these days, we're going to wake up and see a headline line like, "Bill Gates' Unleashes Merciless Robot Army on Nations' Bullies."
- Independence Day - if there's one thing we can take from this movie, it's that when all else fails, drunk-rednecks can save the day.

And the list could go on. On an unrelated note, it seems that some people get upset over the weekend when D&F does not update as much as during the week. For this, I apologize. During the week, William and I often spend a good amount of the day at paying jobs, surfing the net because our jobs aren't that great. Thus, we have plenty of time to find silly stories on the Internet and make fun of stupid people. On the weekends, I watch football, make and / or drink beer, and spend time with my beautiful wife, which leaves very little time for me to blog. The making and subsequent drinking of beer is very time consuming, FYI.

Anyway, have a good Monday. I'll be back later today.

I'm Surprised Someone Just Came Up With This

I seriously think I had this same idea when I first found out about the Make a Wish Foundation:


Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

The best part is when the kid wishes away the foundation's pro bono legal team. Classic.

Random Anti-Semite of The Day

In chess news, world famous chess player Bobby Fischer died, according to a spokesman for the World Chess Federation. Now, if you are anything like me, you probably knew one maybe two (if you're really good) things about Bobby Fischer. And knowing that he played chess does not count, Captain Obvious.

Bobby was best known for kicking the crap out of some commie bastard chess player back in 1972. Ok, the commie bastard was the reigning World Champion of Chess, but that's like saying you're President of The Star Trek Club for 40-Year Old Virgins. If you're good, you know that he was picked up in Japan back in 2004 for using an invalid US passport. Apparently, Bobby did some things to piss off the US Department of State, and they invalidated his passport as punishment.

Anyway, what I learned today was that Bobby was also stark raving mad. When interviewed after 9-11, he thought it was wonderful news, and the whole thing was the fault of US foreign policy. Then, in a different interview, he listed his enemies as Jews, secret Jews, or CIA rats who work for the Jews. Awesome. I didn't even know there were secret Jews out there.

The moral of this little story is next time you think you're want to make fun of someone for being in the chess club, make damn sure they're not crazy. You could set them off and end up with a crazy, gun-toting chess player on your hands, and you don't want that. It's like next to impossible to get away from a crazed chess player with a gun - they're always thinking three moves ahead of you.

Let them eat...rice?

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, I wish I could use my vast vocabulary to help feed the hungry people of the world 20 grains of rice at a time”? Well now you can. Freerice.com has teamed with the UN (I am not a big fan of this group…but they seem to try hard…and usually fail, but that is beside the point) to give out free rice to hungry people if you are able to define simple words.


For every word you get right, they put 20 grains of rice in a bowl. Every 100 grains of rice, you get a fresh bowl. I guess they are saying that a bowl of rice is equal to 100 grains. My high yesterday while waiting for my flight was 6 bowls…or 600 grains of rice. An example of one of the words that you will need to define so that hungry people can eat is:


Underfoot means:


-In the way
-For sure
-Completely
-Badly


Obviously the answer is “in the way” and I just gave someone 20 grains of rice. I am awesome (and obviously modest).


While world hunger is a very worthy cause…I wonder why they make someone half a world away from these hungry nations guess definitions of words to give out free rice. Why wouldn’t they just give the rice away without the gimmick? I guess it is to raise awareness. Do you think someone is sitting there at the distribution point for this rice counting out to the exact grain? A little kid is sitting there with his bowl and the “Man” says, “Well, sorry son, someone in America didn’t know the definition to convoke (to call together) so you only get 40 grains of rice”. I am pretty sure that doesn’t happen, but just a thought. It is a fun little time waster and seeing your bowls of rice stack up is pretty, pretty, pretty cool.




Just a little by the numbers action for you:

• 173,452,460 grains of rice were donated yesterday


• Since October 7, 2007 14,823,141,450 grains of rice have been donated

---------------------------------------------

Thanks to a D&F regular for sending that in.

Random Wikipedia Article

Southridge Mall is a huge mall on the outskirts of Des Moines, Iowa. It brings in about 3.5 million visitors a year (which is half a million more people than the actual population of Iowa). They are “anchored” by a JC Penny’s, Sears, Target and a Younkers (I don’t know what that is). Around the outside of the mall you have your typical stores including a 12 seat theatre that is run by Carmike.

Southridge opened in 1975 after 3 years of construction. Younkers was the first anchor store to sign up for a spot and remains the oldest tenant of the mall. The occupancy rate at the 1,000,000 square foot mall has been down in recent years because of newer and cooler (editors opinion) malls popping up. If you are from Nashville and have ever been to the Bellevue Mall (sometimes called the Bellecrap Mall) that is what Southridge reminds me of. Instead of having real stores they have churches, offices and an animal shelter. Also, they probably have a really cool comic book store where grown men (and sometimes the ladies who love them) who should actually grow up, play Magic: The Card Game. They have just installed Wi-Fi access so all the patrons can check out D&F while they are waiting for church to start. If you really want to check out their website...here it is.

Thanks to Wikipedia.com for the random article generator. Hopefully this broadened your knowledge of the malls of Iowa.

D&F's Offical News Reader

While watching the election returns the past couple weeks, FoxNews has left the responsibility of sifting through the exit polls to one Ms. Megyn Kelly. You might remember her as Megyn Kendall...but notice the Ms. in front of her name. Yes...Ms. Kelly got divorced. Now I am not advocating divorce and I am sure Megyn was devastated...however she is single now and probably looking for a rebound. Good thing she probably reads this blog and will be contacting me ASAP (as soon as possible for you non-acronym users). But that is besides the point.

She has worked hard and moved up the ranks of cable news. She started out as a lowly reporter and quickly was promoted to the news desk. She mainly works political and legal news but now co-host a show during the day on FoxNews. I would also say that of all the "Babes of FoxNews" she is the best at reading the news.

Therefore, D&F (at least me, which makes up one half of D&F) is making it official. Megyn Kelly is the official news reader of D&F. Congratulations...you more than deserve it. You embody everything that is right with news reading. You are smart, work for FoxNews and are smoking hot. Whenever you want to make a guest appearance on D&F let me know...I think I can pull a few strings. Keep up the good work and don't let this prestigious honor go to your head.

Rare Footage of Hillary Clinton in High School

So some creative person spliced together scenes from the great dark comedy Election and Hillary Clinton speaking. It's kinda creepy how similar the two are. Although, Reese Witherspoon is about 1,000,000,000 times better looking than Hillary Clinton.



P.S. - I would normally leave the video posting to Sean, but he continues his strike.

William Is a Slacker

Well, I guess the secret is out. William is lazy, and now he has the crazy dad from Malcom in the Middle giving him a hard time about it:

TSTWBTAT

TSTWBTAT for January 17, 2008:

In don't go there news...seriously don't go there:
Man sues over unnecessary rectal exam at hospital after getting hit in the head with a wooden beam.

In a little too much honesty news (read the first sentence of the story):
I am not sure if that is way to woo voters to your cause...implying they are stupid.

In marriages that last two weeks news:
That is how long Eddie Murphy and his new wife lasted.

In anti-climatic news:
Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose.

In man sues because he can't take responsibility for his own actions news:
Man sues Kroger over the fact that his diet consisted of eating two bags a day of microwave popcorn and he got some health issue. Also he has no friends.

Finally, We Can Understand Dogs

Science is friggin' awesome. For years, I have always wanted to know what my dog has been saying. You know when a dog gives you the "sideways head confused look"? It's been one of my life-long goals to determine if the dog is honestly confused at what you're saying or if it's more along the lines of, "You are an idiot. I can't believe your species is the most dominant on the planet."

Now, thanks to some bored (and possibly high) scientists over in Hungary, the first dog translator has been invented.

The translator is rudimentary - it can only recognize 6 words: play, ball, alone, fight, stranger, and walk. But I'm confident that in the next 10 years, we will be able to understand statements like: "Hey, my food tasted good the first time, so why wouldn't I want to eat my own barf?"; or "You know, it's about time for me to lick myself in a very socially awkward way."

This is going to go down as one of the greatest inventions of all time - up there with the Internet, powered flight, and hot pockets.